An I'll be yours until the sun no longer shines - Be_the_C0wboy - 文豪ストレイドッグス (2024)

Chapter 1: Good Mornings start with dog pee

Chapter Text

“Dazai, focus”

A voice snapped him out of a current daydream. Slowly his surroundings refocused and he squeezed his toes tight in the ice skates. He rolled his shoulders to get rid of the pent-up tension in them and glanced at his trainer.

A blond tall woman, typical American, with a fake tan and teeth too white to be natural. She always pronounced his name wrong and he didn’t know If he should laugh or be annoyed by it. Still, he never corrected her. No need to irritate her even more.

“Do the stretches and warm up just how I instructed you. Now”
Her voice was bitter, of course, it was, she was stressed even more than Dazai who had every right to be distressed at that moment.
They stood aside from the actual ice rink. The chill air around them made his ears and the apple of his cheeks slightly red and he rubbed his gloved hands together to get some warmth back into them.

Many other contestants stood around talking with their trainer or having their parents around for emotional support. He saw them hugging their child, petting their head or kissing their cheeks, and giving them encouraging speeches. His parents were nowhere to be seen, like every time. Although he expected them to be here, it was not every time that someone's child participated in the final contest to enter the Junior Grand Prix.

He grabbed his elbow and stretched it as far as possible behind his head, careful enough to not mess up the hairstyle; a bun with a braid coiled around it and adorned with shiny little flowers and pearls. He hated it. The dress he wore was a size too small for his long legs and upper body and clung to it uncomfortably. He would sit on his bed and watch the competition rather than participate in it, but all those years of training had to be worth something. His arms hurt, the medication he took early should kick in every possible second. His trainer shoved them down his throat with the promise `You will win this. For me and you`

He moved on to his other arm, glancing around the ice rink and up to the seats which were going to be filled with the audience later on. Now, staff members were gathering on these steps that lead up to the tech room and discussed something in hushed voices, probably talking about the music and light show. He walked over to his backpack and searched for his phone when a presence stood behind him all of the sudden.

“Dazai what did I tell you?”

It was her again.

“I wanted to listen to the piece and go through the steps” They solemnly answered, looking at the little wrinkle that made an appearance on the trainer's forehead whenever she was not in a good mood, he knew better than to antagonize her right now.

“Very well” She nodded again and walked over to him, grabbed his arm, and put her fingers over his pulse. She was content with what she found, she solemnly nodded and left him for the jury members.

Her grimy face switched as if turned on by a button to a polite and friendly smile and greeted the men and women alike. She did that quite often, after giving him his “superpowers”. She called them superpowers, he knew what they were, stimulants.

He heard tiny scraps of the conversation before he plugged in his earphones and started moving around, not taking much space but enough to fully extend his arms to both sides, from them hung wings, in light blue and dark marine, between the colors were dark little rhinestones lined up, too much for his liking.

He turned and swayed his legs slowly to the classical music in his ears, almost bumping into a girl who apologized and quickly moved on. The all-known glares, oh how he missed them. He was known in many ice skating clubs, he was the “Demon prodigy”. An angel sent from heaven, that was his title at the beginning, after many competitions he won his title and changed into the Demon prodigy, the way he moved, acted, and most importantly presented himself was demon-like, inhuman. That's what the articles said, and other interviewed contestants.

He knew he didn’t need to practice. The performance was almost burned behind his eyes, so well practiced that he could dance it in his sleep. He still did it to satisfy his trainer. He still heard her voice telling him to practice so that the other skaters would be frightened, a strategy.

Speaking of her she now pointed to different girls and Dazai followed her sight with her finger to the girl.
He knew her, too well. Karina Maskolov was the same age as him. His “rival”, at least that’s what his trainer told him. He never cared about her, because he knew he was better.

She wore a dark red dress and her black hair fell softly on her shoulders. Last year she beat him in the final competition but not this year, Dazai was sure about that. He still remembered his trainer's look she had given him when he stood next to Karina, who had held up a big flower bouquet along her gold metal and worst of it all, her arrogant smile.

After many painful minutes of waiting and practicing boring steps the competition finally began. The first girl started. She was Chinese and wore a light green dress with dark green gloves. Her dark hair was styled in high pigtails. She looked amazing, how she flew over the ice as if she was flying, her flowy dress made her appear to have wings, and she used those. She had what Dazai never owned, and probably never will have.

“Tch. And that’s what you call talent” He heard the trainer mutter under her breath, he sat on the little benches beside the rink and looked at the big screen to watch the performance more closely. He tried to analyze anything, the timing, the breathing pattern, the angle an arm or a leg was lifted, or even simply their expression. The music that filled the area was lively, more on the contemporary side, and he relaxed for a second to listen to the music.

“Oh no” He opened his eyes to catch the image of the girl on the big screen:

She missed a step and fell.

She quickly recovered and finished her piece. When she walked off the rink she broke down in her trainer's arms who caressed her back softly. Dazai watched the interaction closely but moved on as the next girl was called out. He shouldn't spend his time with useless longing, longing for aftercare, and love. He had what he needed, for him care and love came second, in the first place stood ice-skating and his trainer, everything else came after that.

After many successful and few unsuccessful performances it was his turn.

“Do it as we practiced. Or else…you know what happens”

Of course he knew what happened, his trainer didn’t have to whisper it so threateningly in his ear.
He nodded and walked on the ice. He moved slowly in languid movements towards the middle where he stopped. He got in position and waited till the music started.

People liked to call him the “The flirty girl”, he despised this name.

Not only did his skin physically itch but also something about it did not sit right with him. Whenever he brought it up with his trainer she passed it off as “teenage problems” or something not worth her time, so he stopped worrying. Journalists asked him if he was naturally that flirty and his coach would usually answer with something along the lines of “You have to find out by yourself, but I can tell you this girl has teeth and is not afraid to use them”.

Whether it was the blatant sexualization of a seven-year-old child or the misgendering, it left Dazai with the sudden urge to throw up and the need to hide but it was his job so he laughed, giggled, and held his hand in front of his mouth and the thirsty men ate it up, every single piece of his stupid and painful act.

Only when a man came up to him, too close for comfort, and even worse touched him, only then did he let his mask slip.
Later on, he felt a bruise welling up on his face after his trainer was done with him and let him go.

Truth be told, Dazai may be pretty but he is not a girl.

In the end, he won the competition. He stood with two other girls in the middle of the ice rink, each trainer was positioned behind them, with their hands on the ice skaters. His trainer's hand had a burning grip on his already thin shoulder. The jury screamed through the speaker. He couldn't feel his body, not even when his trainer placed the medal around his neck, not when she hugged him, he couldn't even hear what she whispered into his ear.

It was as if he wasn't even there. Nothing felt real. He didn't remember if he cried or if he laughed or smiled.

It was as if he watched himself from an outer perspective.

When photos were taken bright flashlights lightened up in front of his eyes, he couldn't even blink.

It was as if he wasn't even there.
–

“Dad, Dogra peed on the floor!”

This was the first thing Dazai heard in the morning. Nothing new to him but it still made him groan. He pushed his hair out of his face and pressed his palms onto his eyes to fully wake up. Their body felt heavy, perhaps he shouldn't have taken those two extra melatonin gummies yesterday.

“Ew it stinks”

What a lovely way to start the day! They got up too fast and almost fell face first on the floor, ugh how much they hated iron deficiency. He still managed to get a hold of himself to put some decent clothes on for breakfast and opened the door. ‚Ew it stinks’ was an understatement, it smelled nasty, gut-churning godawful. Dazai had to cover their mouth or else he’d throw up. He couldn't even see who stood in the hallway, judging from the voice it was Yumeno. Of course, it was, who else didn't go out with the dog they ‘owned’ and then complained when it showed how untrained it is.

“OHHH DAZAI IS UP HE CAN CLEAN IT UP!”

No he cannot!?

But what his little sibling wanted they got every single time. Yumeno smiled devilishly at him and he knew he wouldn't find a way to chicken out.

“Osamu, could you please clean it up? I have a morning shift!” Mori rushed out of the bathroom at the moment, tying his black tie around the dress shirt's neck, ”Oh, and please prepare breakfast for the two devils, everything is ready in the fridge you just have to place it in their lunchboxes! See ya later kids” Dazai hummed he really can’t say no to that.

He followed his father downstairs into the kitchen and searched for the tissue box when he heard the telltale click of the door being closed. Of course, while doing that a wet nose touched his calves and he jumped. “Ugh it’s just you,” he said bitterly and looked down at the little puppy eyes the demon gave him. (The dog is by no means a demon but Dazai just hates them anyways)

“Don’t be mean to Dogra, she’s a good dog” Said Elise who sat at the kitchen counter the whole time, she grinned at him and went up to Dogra and placed her in her arms. The little dog licked her cheek which she squealed delightfully and chuckled along, her blond locks shined in the morning sun. Maybe it’s not only the smell that urged Dazai to throw up.

“You know it’s not nice to be woken up by your dog pissing in front of your room on your first day of college right?” He grumbled over his shoulder while searching in the cabinets for a tissue box, where the hell was it??

“The upper cabinet has a tissue box, you idiot,” Elise said and pointed to the cabinet over Dazais's head.

“I swear I placed them down here, who the hell put them up there?” He murmured while grabbing a handful of tissues. Dazai received no answer from Elise, his sister was occupied by kissing Dogra’s cute little face, as she claimed. He made gagging motions and immediately got scolded for being disrespectful.

“You shouldn’t praise her for peeing inside the house you know?” He said while walking upstairs. The smell got more intense the more steps he took.

“She’s only nine months old!” She spat back but stopped with the attitude the second her eyes were on the dog. Dazai sighed and faced the problem ahead of him, behind them he could hear Elise praising the dog. What a lovely morning! He was in desperate need of coffee.
He stared down at the lake of dog pee and sighed deeply for the hundredth time. “I am not a morning person”

After cleaning up the floor Dazai was done for the day. He wanted to crawl back under the sheets, stay there for the whole day and do nothing but his education upset his plans so he got ready, packed his stylish messenger bag, and waited for his cab to arrive.

The cab in question were his cousins, Yosano and Ranpo, twins to be exact and they sure acted like such. People didn’t believe him when he told them that these two share a mind but he knew better than to be harmed by their personalities.
He stepped outside and was met with the sun high in the sky. Ugh, how he hated summer.

“Dazai!! Let’s go” They heard Yosano’s voice from the car. She sat behind the wheel while Ranpo sat at her side. Dazai sighed again and opened the door and dragged his body onto the backseat.

“Since when do you have a wolf cut?” Ranpo inquired curiously, his green eyes pinned them against the seat. “Did you cut it yourself?” Yosano squinted through the rearview. “Of course he did. No hairdresser would do such a horrible job” Ranpo sighed and sat back accordingly in his seat with his arms behind his head. “Don’t say that it’s the boy's first college day! He’s probably pissing his pants right now”
“Good morning to you too” He mumbled between taking sips of his coffee (yes he was that sort of person who took their coffee with them because firstly those cups you get are harming the environment and especially Dazai did not trust other people with his order; iced latte with oat milk, two pumps of vanilla and milk foam). Not the worst greeting he received from the two but also not his favorite. In his ranking of his cousins' greetings, he'd rank it a three. (On top of the ranking were the two assuming his hook-up was his mother, they were very well spoken on that topic and said that as well, he never saw that girl again)

Yosano punched Ranpo lightly on the arm. “You hurt me. I only say the obvious thing!!”

This went on for the whole ride, them making fun of him or telling him “important campus rules”. He didn’t listen much to them because most of them sounded like jokes that they thought he’d believe. Dazai hummed along or nodded on occasions just to keep them talking and distracting him from his growing anxiety.

“So literature it is, I heard?” Ranpo asked as they parked near the campus. He stepped out and adjusted his gatsby hat, Dazai never saw him without it even at home he wore that hat with his normal daily attire.

“Yeah Mori told me it’s the best for now, as long as I don’t find anything else that interests me” He can tell from their expressions that they disapprove of him calling his adoptive dad by his name. It was not his fault, Dazai lived with them since they were 15 and while he bonded well with Yumeno and Elise, Mori’s biological children, Mori’s and Dazai's relationship stayed the same. Respectful and friendly.

“Literature is that way. No, we'll show you the building. We have some time left before our class starts” Yosano suggested, her perfectly styled bob swinging in motion as she rushed towards an old-looking building made out of red bricks. Ranpo was right behind her heels as always, the two were from the start inseparable, Dazai remembered, always doing what the other did.

“Room B103 is yours. Good luck” Ranpo patted them on the shoulder and was gone.

Hoards of students stood in the hallway, probably waiting for their professors to arrive or for whatever reason. He read off of signs that his class was upstairs so he hurried upstairs to be met with fortunately fewer students.
In front of the class stood a group of students so he walked up to one of them and asked if it was his class.

The girl he approached provided him with some information that he thought would be good for now, like where the cafeteria was, which teacher he should not mess with, or where the library was located.

He listened closely and created mentally a little list with all the things the girl said. While doing that a flashlight appeared some distance away from him. He turned around in time to see a student holding a camera right in front of their face. He couldn’t see more than long reddish hair and a hat. (Is that a fedora?)

Dazai was more than confused.

Did this person just take a photo of them? And why?
He was perplexed. Dazai started walking towards the photographer when the girl took hold of his sleeve. “Our professor arrived” He turned back to the stranger and they were gone. What in the how??

Oda Sakunosuke was his literature prof and they liked him. He was an attentive and kind teacher. Even when students tried to speak in metaphors and other weird figures of speech, only to seem better than others that Dazai considered interfering, Oda Sakunosuke stayed serious and commented strictly on the content.

This was going to be a long and fun time here, Dazai thought when the next student said something about a Jane Austen book they had read in English and proudly announced how inspired they were by it. They probably didn’t understand a word but they let the student think highly of them.

Only when someone said something directly false did Oda raise his voice and interrupted the student to correct them otherwise he let them talk and discuss books and extracts freely.
Dazai thought their brain would produce steam when he’d come out of the class but it turned out to be the exact opposite.

Oda told them to analyze an old Japanese literature piece to see where everyone stood and that was his first class of the day, sadly not his last.

“You’re the new one right?” Dazai walked out of the classroom when he was approached by a young man with black shoulder-length hair and sickly pale skin; they could tell from the Russian accent that he was a foreigner.
“Yes, Dazai Osamu and you?”

“Fyodor Dostoyevsky. Delighted to make your acquaintance” Fyodor grinned and it made his dark eyes seem red and made the hair on Dazais's neck stand up. What a guy. “I saw your reaction throughout the class and I am relieved that I am not the only one who is deeply disappointed in some of the students here” Oh good they were on the same side then.

They walked towards the cafeteria while talking about the students rather than the class itself. Fyodor bid him goodbye and walked up to a man with light braided hair, and left Dazai with new informative (and juicy) facts about some students.

Like the blond girl in class, she was apparently in a relationship with a professor a long time ago and was also engaged to him. Dazai saw no ring on her hand earlier so he didn’t give in much to that information. What was interesting though was that Oda was taken by one of the professors who taught law. He wasn’t told the name of the professor, only that they have been together for good three years. Fyodor told him that they smoke every day in front of the building. Why he told them that, Dazai didn’t know. But for now, he was happy with having someone to talk to in class.

The day went on rather uneventfully until his last class of the day.

He had a rather long lunch break in which he got acquainted with the buildings and some professors he met in hallways or the cafeteria.

Doppo Kunikida was the same age as him and they shared Psychology and Calculus, he was also rather delighted to see how organized Kunikida was, he was going to profit from that at some point in the future, Dazai just knew it. Around midday, he sighted Yosano and her friends. He met Ranpo's boyfriend, an English literature major, a rather shy and quiet man, unlike his partner who bragged about their intelligence and their fancy criminal justice major. Then it was time for Dazais last class: Art.

Although it is not his major they found themself quite frequently drawing or painting, their room definitely showed that. On some days he didn’t leave his room or even remembered to eat, they were so focused on drawing that they lost themself in it, completely.

So he stepped into class and came eye to..not quite eye, rather hat. It was the mysterious photographer from early in the morning.

“Hey it’s you,” Dazai said and sat down next to him. At that moment he looked up and Dazai, well he’s only a man, okay, please believe him, he was awestruck. Dark gray (or was that blue?) eyes found him, and perfectly shaped eyebrows frowned immediately.

“You know it’s not very adequate to take pictures of strangers without permission.” Dazai grinned when the stranger's eyes hardened visibly and his mouth drew into a thin line. “I know I am pretty to look at, but that’s quite rude isn’t it?” He braced his chin on his hands and smiled sweetly at the other who still hadn’t said a word.

“Tch, what do you want? I was in a rush” Oh that voice did things to him, whether it was the raspiness or the deep tone. He grinned even wider then.

“Why don’t you tell me your name so that I can address you correctly” He searched the other person's face for any signs but the beauty’s face was closed off. He only saw little freckles around his nose and two or three moles, what a gorgeous sight. No emotion was displayed but the deep frown.

“Chuuya Nakahara”

“So Chuuya Nakahara, could I at least know why you took a picture of me? Or will the dog bite me?” He smiled with teeth and all and he knew it enraged Chuuya even more. Chuuyas' nostrils flared at that moment and yes the resemblance with a dog was more than fitting! “Who do you call a dog, you arrogant ass!” And a foul mouth oh what a man that Chuuya Nakahara was!

“You still haven’t answered my question!” He urged forwards so that their thighs almost touched and Chuuya moved immediately a few paces back in his seat.

“I was late with an assignment for my photography class. We had to create presentations. When you stood there with the group you especially stood out. I liked the atmosphere of it! Damn, is that enough?!?” He snarled and pointed a finger at Dazais's chest. Oh, he could do anything to Dazai and they could finally die a happy death. He pushed those thoughts aside and concentrated on the matter at hand.

“You know Chuuya, I was worried sick if I looked good enough in it, did you at least catch me in the right light?” Dazai wanted to know more about him so he pushed.

Chuuya didn’t react so he started running his mouth as usual. “Oh how impolite of me” He sat up with his back straight in the seat and gave Chuuya his hand “I am Dazai Osamu”

“Good to know I guess”

“Hmm what did you say? I didn’t catch that! You know at first I thought you are mute, which is absolutely fine because I am a pro at sign language! But you spoke I thought that maybe the height you're missing is scrambling your brain or something. But look at you!” He looked Chuuya up and down and regretted it the second his eyes laid on his defined legs, which were wrapped in tight black pants. Oh, that’s…interesting. He didn’t notice how Chuuya turned beet red or how he almost punched Dazai in the face. Of course, he did not!!

“What’s that supposed to mean? Huh, you idiot! I don’t lack any height!”

“Whatever makes you happier, yeah sure! So what grade have you gotten on the presentation? I hope it was the best, I mean I was in it so…”

“What do you want?” Chuuya asked, visibly exhausted and Dazai pouted and made the biggest puppy eyes they could muster up at the moment.

“Do you have a short memory Chuuya? I asked for the grade you received”

“He’ll send them over email in the upcoming days” He responded dryly.

At that moment the teacher entered the room, a tall red-headed lady in her hands she held many canvases and bags.

“Hello students. Oh, I already see new faces, how delightful. So many of you may have noticed that this year's Art class will be photography so we teachers had many discussions about this term's plan and we came to the conclusion to put both classes into one. We’ve mailed you students and I hope that you've all received the messages!”

She clapped her hands together and smiled brightly. It was blinding. Something else piqued Dazai's interest though, the young hot-tempered man beside him. He was pretty, with his delicate yet sharp features, his scattered freckles that not only were positioned on his nose and cheeks but also on his neck, his soft lips, and his collarbones, oh yes that was a sight to behold. Dazai was fascinated. His hair looked from close up more brown than red, it still held some warm tones in it that made it seem red though.

“What is it?” Chuuya's deep voice broke him out of his daydreams and he looked up from his arms, muscular arms, very muscular arms, may be said!

“You never commented on how I looked in the picture or should I just assume that Chuuya is a bad photographer because the model in it is very likely not the problem” He winked at Chuuya who screwed his face together in disgust.

“I did!” Hissed Chuuya, he tried to listen to the teacher who now explained the topic they were going to be talking about this term, also the exams. It was white noise to Dazai. They concentrated on Chuuyas hands, scribbling down almost every word the prof said. He wore rings, silver rings with little carvings in them.

“You’re rather slow-thinking or you’re forgetful or both, probably both. You still haven’t answered my question~” Dazai sang and it filled Chuuya with even more range.

Chuuya searched in his backpack and retrieved his camera and shoved it into Dazais chest, making them almost fall over.

“Wow, I didn't know middle schoolers could make such good photographs!” Dazai whispered.

Not only was he a sucker for Chuuya's godlike looks but also his skill at photography. In the picture he stood there with people rushing around the group of people he had approached earlier, nothing was really focused but him.

Dazai looked almost soft, contradicting how anxious he felt at that moment. Dazai wasn't a big fan of people taking pictures of him, there was a time he enjoyed it but that was in the past. Now he felt like he saw a new version of themself through the eye of Chuuya. He was speechless and completely in his own world that he didn't notice the annoying growl from his companion at his side.

” Oh well it’s probably only because of the model in it” They tried to brush it off.

“What did you just call me? A f*cking middle schooler?!? HUH? You want to get punched that much?” Chuuya exclaimed loudly and grabbed a fistful of Dazais shirt. He was in heaven at that moment, having Chuuya this close, Chuuya’s hands not directly on his body but close to it, it felt heavenly.

Until they heard a cough, both of their heads snapped in the teacher's direction who smiled at them gently and her eyes were on Chuuya’s hand on Dazai's chest.

“Sorry” Chuuya apologized and she moved on as if nothing happened. They received some weird stares but that was it.

“It’s not my good side but you could have at least informed me when you took the picture. Even Kira, she looks much better from the opposite perspective!” Kira was the girl he approached earlier in front of his first class. He kept his voice low and crept a bit closer to Chuuya so that the prof would assume they were talking about this semester's topic rather than Dazai's looks.

“Try to do it better next time then! You sure are good at complaining. Just shut up and listen already” Chuuya remarked and snatched his camera from Dazai’s hands rather violently. Huh for such a small person, Chuuya sure had some strength.

The rest of the lesson simply passed just like the start did lots of bickering, mostly from Chuuya’s side as Dazai had found out. Chuuya never wanted Dazai to have the last word, even if it was just a childish insult, he had gladly let his tongue run free. It was fun and amusing, not something Dazai was used to, most people around him couldn't keep track of his antics and grew easily annoyed. Although Chuuya seemed annoyed he fired back just as maddeningly as Dazai.

“Is little ChuChu worried about me not passing?” Dazai said when they walked out of the door.

“Don’t ever call me that again you f*cker”

“Or what? You brag about punching me but you can't even reach my-oof”

A loud smack pierced through the corridor they stood in, not many students left the building that late but some still lingered after most classes finished to study in the library or for other reasons, multiple sets of eyes glared at them and some complaints were dropped. Chuuya didn't hesitate, he kicked Dazai pointedly in the shin, making him almost fall over in pain and slapped him across the cheek when it was close enough to reach, this was the last thing Dazai saw for the next thirty seconds little black dots danced around in his already horrible vision. Not only did his shin hurt like hell but his cheek burned horribly, and worst of it all was that Chuuya turned around and moved on as if nothing happened. Now Dazai seemed like a madman, standing in a vacant hallway and looking like a punchbag. His pride was hurt but they were not going to stop until they got what they wanted!

“Why are you following me?”

The question was reasonable, Dazai caught up to Chuuya, the victim, in this case, did not look up from his phone he only felt the burning gaze from Dazai on his head.

“I didn't know dwarfs can walk that fast,” Chuuya stopped in his texting and looked up, “I think you need to repay me”

Chuuya turned around abruptly and Dazai grinned in the most innocent way possible, adjusting his hipster vest and pushing his big glasses up his nose, only to make Chuuya even more furious.

“What idiot? Give me one good reason to listen to your blabbermouth rather than running you over with a car” He asked bewildered, if he could get him as angry as back in the class he'd have Chuuyas hands on him, but perhaps that was never going to happen again. So he should have felt triumphant when Chuuya stepped closer, from this close up he was able to count the freckles adorning Chuuyas face again, and most importantly he could see those eyes. From the moment he saw them, they knew that those eyes were familiar, but in what sense?

Chuuya walked up to a motorcycle, because what else would a guy like Chuuya drive, of course? It suited him and this sort of punk style, sans the tacky hat.

“Do me a favor..as damage compensation so to say” Dazai leaned down so that they were on the same height, Chuuyas eyebrows twitched in anger which made them, even more, happier because he knew that he was right, not everyone would buy into it and make a deal with them, Dazai was sure of that. He could at least try it, he had to confess that Chuuya fascinated him in more than one way, if he could spend more time with someone like Chuuya why not indulge in it?
Perhaps they were going to become friends soon? Something in Dazai felt content with that, being friends with Chuuya, so he was going to try everything and made sure that this was going to happen.

Chuuya mumbled some words under his breath before exhaling out loud, his shoulder sagged with the motion and he closed his eyes for a moment as if he'd have to brace himself for his following words.

“And why would I do that?” Chuuya rubbed his temple, probably to ease the upcoming headache, and leaned his back against the motorcycle seat with his hands in his pockets

“Why, you ask? That’s a good question. Let me elaborate” Chuuya made a movement with his hand to encourage Dazai to go on. “First of all, I could easily tell your prof that you didn’t get my permission to take the photo, also Kira was in it too so it would be two against one, secondly the slap you gave me makes it even fairer to initiate you doing me a favor!”

Dazai knew this was unfair, they had valid points and little to nothing could counter back his points. From the looks of it Chuuya contemplated his options, he stared deeply into Dazai's eyes, most of the time it made them weirdly uncomfortable but they knew if they back off Chuuya could somehow get the upper hand which Dazai was never going to allow in the first place! There was a slim possibility that Chuuya’s professor would actually believe him rather than someone who claimed was being photographed. It was still very unprofessional to photograph a person without their permission, no matter if you're a pro or an amateur.

“Okay I’ll do whatever you want me to, only with one condition” Chuuya muttered and looked at the ground, Dazai never felt so much joy at once.

“So let me hear your concerns dear ChuChu!”

“If you don’t drop the name I’ll-“

“Don’t you think it would be inappropriate of you to threaten me when I hold something over your head, hmm don’t you think so?” Dazai could never put into words how much joy he felt when the baffled expression took over Chuuyas features.

“So my condition is that I won’t do anything regarding sexual activities” Chuuyas arms were crossed over his chest and eyes as hard as stone. When Dazai felt triumphant for one second he felt now shocked, what horrible impression did he leave on Chuuya to think of them so lowly?

“I don’t know what gives you the faint idea of me wanting to do something with you!” Disgust and ridiculousness were audible in Dazai’s voice because that was exactly what he felt at that moment. His therapist was going to enjoy his speeches in the next session. “I don’t know how you’ll pay me back, in some non-sexual way hopefully, but don’t worry your pretty head about it, I’ll find something manageable”

“Although I feel flattered that your first thought was us having sex, I mean if you want to have a beautiful night with me, you should have just asked, you know?”

“No thanks. I know my worth” A hand shoved their face away and Chuuya took the initiative to heave himself onto the seat of his red motorcycle. Dazai stood next to him, waved so innocently, and grinned proudly while the motorcycle backed away onto the street that led you in the direction of the city center. A middle finger was apparently Chuuya’s goodbye.

Dazai thought that uni was nothing for him, but this year couldn't start any better.

Chapter 2: Don't forget your ID the next time you buy cigarettes

Chapter Text

“That's enough for today! Monday at the exact same time and place, understood girls?”

The girls clapped and quickly strode off of the ice rink, so did Dazai. He needed to change immediately, his lungs felt like they were on fire and breathing became difficult, still manageable but painful. He tried something he never did before: a binder. He found it for cheap money on a website, told his parents that it was a “new sports bra” and purchased it. He never felt so euphoric and truly himself before. But now he had to take it off or his lungs would collapse.

Those struggles, body image struggles, they appeared a few months ago, after he turned twelve years old.

At first it was his hips, a weird feeling overcame him everytime he looked at them. His curves started to make an appearance a few years prior but he never really paid attention to them before. One afternoon after he stood in front of the mirror and couldn't believe his eyes, this wasn't his body. It felt strange to see his body that way, he perceived himself differently but he knew it was himself he saw in the mirror. A stranger stood in front of him, the stranger looked exactly like him, had the same hair, eyes and height but somehow he felt so foreign.

From this point on it happened with other body parts, his growing chest, his high pitched voice and the worst of it all his period. He cried when he saw the blood in his pants, he knew that the day would come that he would start to menstruate. It still felt so wrong. When he heard his voice on a record he would cringe internally, that wasn't him. That wasn’t the Dazai he knew.

He cut his dark brown hair short, beneath his ears. It was a bad decision because the next time he arrived at his training his trainer pulled him to the side and discussed with him what a risky move that was and how it could affect his career. He didn't understand it but he didn't have to, he had to wear wigs from that day on without opposition.

After he searched through the internet he found people he could relate to. He read articles after articles and came to the conclusion that he was transgender; people whose gender identity is different from the gender they were thought to be at birth.

He felt seen, comfortable and started chatting with people who shared the same experience as him. Because beside Training he had no chance to really make friends. He was homeschooled and the only people he saw were his parents, the girls he trained with and occasionally boys when they had to practice skating with a partner. He also tried out a new set of pronouns and names.

That night the real Dazai Osamu was born.

He stood beside his “friends” in the changing room. He faced them with his back and pulled the binder slowly off, his back hurt and he felt the outline of the binder still on his body. He quickly changed into his normal clothes, when he turned back he was surprised to see the other girls staring at him with their mouths agape.

“Is there a problem?”

He asked timidly. They weren’t aware of it, right? Many people wear binders and not only because they were transgender, some people have back problems and a binder helps with that, something he read some time ago. He just liked himself more with a flat chest, nothing special, or so he assumed. The girls exchanged worrisome glances but shook their heads no and reassured them that nothing was wrong. He felt relieved and went home.

Dazai wore the binder every time they trained during the next weeks and felt better than ever, he didn't tell the girls about his newfound identity they wanted to find the right time to be sure and come out to them. He bought a skin coloured binder a black one and also a white one, it was always good to have more.

Until one day. He almost wanted to leave again the second he passed over the threshold of his home, his parents were fighting again. He tried to sneak past them to flee in his room but they noticed him and immediately stopped arguing.

“Dazai come here”

He gulped down, already rethinking his life choices and escape routes. What he didn't expect was his mothers being on a phone call with his trainer. Oh no this can only go wrong. He was starting to feel his limbs shaking, he couldn't feel his fingers or rather any body part, he crossed his arms behind his back and pinched his hand with his fingertips, something he usually did to calm himself down. But at that moment it only made his anxiety even worse. He could feel his heartbeat quicken when he saw his mothers tired expression and her quiet nod to whatever his trainer said on the other end. He didn't dare to glance at his father, it would only make tears well up. Not something his parents really fancied.

“It was your trainer” His mother said when she hung up on the phone, she rubbed her temples with her hands and for the first time this day did she look at him, it made him almost throw up the jucky protein shake they had earlier. Her gaze felt calculating and tired at the same time, it made her brown eyes seem almost black. Void of any emotion, perhaps he got the title “Demon prodigy” from her, relatives told him often how much he resembled their mother.

“She wanted me to inform you that you'll be taking training hours with her alone from now on” For most ice skaters this would be a victory, to be recognized by the trainer to have single training hours. But this didn't feel right, something was left unspoken. Dazai could sense that from his mothers eyes so he waited for her to move on.

“She had received many complaints. Do you know what they say?”

He shook his head and she sighed deeply.

“The other girls you've been training with, they noticed something and had a little talk with her after you left. I quote ‘they didn't feel safe being in the same changing room with a trans person’ I didn't use the word they said but I think you know which word I mean, don't you?” It was too much, he wasn't ready not now. He needed more time. He felt his jaw quivering, no please don't do that to him.

“Dazai I need answers, now” Her voice was filled with range and he pressed his eyes close to stop tears from spilling over.

“I wear a binder. I was experimenting. I am so sorry to make them feel bad. I will apologize immediately” He violently shook his head and kept his eyes closed, too afraid to see a reaction he was so scared of receiving. What he did not expect was his mothers hands on his shoulders, softly smoothing out any wrinkles on it.

“Dazai, it's not bad to experiment. We all do that okay. We are not angry at you, but we are disappointed that you lied to us. I already talked with your trainer and she thinks it's best if we just ignore it and let you be. She said she knows what to do and I trust her”

He didn't understand what that meant ‘she knows what to do’ but it left a bitter taste. For the moment he was content with their reaction, although he lied again to his mother but he felt more than happy to let her know the snippets he told them rather than fully come out. One day he was going to come out. He will make sure of that

–

“I hate him. I absolutely hate him, who does he think he is that stupid smartass wannabe” Kouyou laughed when he repeated the same sentence for the tenth time during their phone call. Chuuya was sitting on his balcony with his weighted plush dino on his shoulder and a cigarette in his unoccupied hand.

“Are we talking about the guy you met or your stem prof who reeks of lemon fragrances?” His sister had the nerve to chuckle at his obvious anger. He snarled some insults under his breath because he didn't have the balls to say them out loud, he learned from past experiences. (aka Kouyou’s cold stare that freezes everyone's blood, Chuuya was often a victim of this gaze)

“That f*cker didnt even let me finish a sentence before he completely dismissed everything I said and moved on as if I was air!” He gestured wildly around with the cigarette but careful enough to not burn his beloved dino. It was too precious.

“Maybe you read him completely wrong. Some people don't give out praise freely, you have to impress him in order to get a compliment out of him or maybe a comment” She was right. Of course she was right and Chuuya knew that, he sagged his shoulders in defeat and put the cigarette in the ashtray.

“I'm out of cigarettes because of him, what an annoyance that man is” He heard chuckles again and frowned.

“You know I'd love to change classes. But it just so happens that I share my favorite class with that beanpole” He fiddled with the plushy’s green tail and watched planes fly over his head, the sun starting to set. Call him a sap but it was one of Chuuyas favorite things about his apartment, the godlike view he was able to see every morning and evening. He closed his eyes and breathed in the slightly salty sea air that reached his apartment.

“Sorry dear, but it will do you no good if you stopped doing what you excel at” And again she was right. Dazai wasn't even that annoying, Chuuya was exaggerating of course because…he didn't even know why. Dazai was pretty, with his long eyelashes and little dimples that appeared when he smiled. Now he felt bad about the punch but some part in him knew that it would have happened sooner or later. For such a pretty face the man surely had a bratty mouth. Something that piqued his interest were Dazai’s bandages, he was scared that he was hurt or worse. He was probably never going to find out but he can still wonder.

“I know and it's also me. Dazai isn't really the problem in all that, I am the one who gets so easily distracted by his stupid childish antics” He walked through the door into his room and flopped face first on the bed his whines were muffled by his pillow and the dino on his side.

“Oh dear. Do you want me to distract you?” Kouyou always knew what to do, she was not only his sister but also the only family he had left. He never met his mother, she died when he was born and his dad was apparently gone, both his siblings never talked about their father, only their mother. Paul was twelve when Chuuya was born and Kouyou four, he knew most of his origin but he left them when Kouyou turned eighteen. Now he was known as Paul Verlaine the author. He was a taboo topic between the two siblings, it reminded Kouyou of the hardships she had to deal with at such a young age and Chuuya was more than grateful for her so he avoided talking about him.

“Please” He begged, anything to get his mind off of painful memories and the most stressful day since months. Kouyou was a designer, situated in Tokyo her brand “Golden Demon” was her pride and joy. Whenever someone brought up the topic she would talk for hours about it, her coworkers, her new project, anything and Chuuya was happy to hear her being so carefree and joyful in what she had. She grew up and dealt with her past, something he was never able to achieve. He wanted to be just like her, someone who can be proud of who they had become instead of living in the past.

“Chuuya you in there?” His roommate Tachihara knocked on the door, interrupting kouyou who now gossiped about her two coworkers having a dramatic relationship crisis. He didn't lift his head off the pillow and hummed loud enough for his roommate to hear him. Tachihara peeked in through the door, on his head was orange hair dye and he wore his usual bandaid over his nose bridge.

“Is that Tachi?”Kouyou blurred out through her rant and that was when hell broke loose. Usually his sister disliked being interrupted but over the years she warmed up to Tachihara and Akutagawa she treated them like her family but Akutagawa didn’t live with them so she didn’t get the chance to talk to him as often as with Tachi.

“Isn't it my favorite sister! Well hello Miss Ozaki how are you doing on this splendid evening?” He managed to not topple over Chuuyas chaos that were piles of clothes scattered around on the floor and many many art and photography supplies and threw himself next to Chuuya on the bed. Chuuya flew in the air with the impact of Tachihara almost breaking his bed and smacked him against his arm and threatened him to not get any hair dye on his bed sheets. (they were fresh and still smelled like his preferred detergent!)

“Oh someones in a bad mood today” Tachi stated and got punched in the back for it.

“CHUUYA PLEASE NO OH MY GOD NO KOUYOU GET YOUR BROTHER OR HE WILL KILL ME!” screamed Tachihara through multiple kicks and punches that were not so soft and felt more like steel. “CHUUYA STOP OR YOU'LL BE A NEW SPECIES OF MINION IN A SEC AHHH-”

“Don't worry I’ve got it handled! Buy him a bottle of his favorite wine and a pack of cigarettes and he’ll be back to normal, trust me it works every time!” Came Kouyou’s amused voice.

“Okay the annoyance is dealt with anyways so Tama and Hinaro you said?”
Chuuya panted out of breath and righted his shirt and pressed the pillow (his least pillow an ugly green one with rhinestones that switches colors to purple, he said he’ll get eye cancer from only looking at it but still kept it because he felt guilty giving it away) even harder against his roommate's face who tried to free himself and screamed insults and threats but to no end.

“Chuuya…time..job…now!!” Were words that escaped through the material on Tachihara and at that moment it clicked why Tachihara came in his room in the first place. He shoved the pillow immediately off of his roommate and bid Kouyou goodbye but not without promising her that he was going to call her back.

“Why didn't you say that from the beginning you idiot?!” He screeched , rushed to his wardrobe and searched for his work clothes. He stripped off his sweatpants to put on the black pants and a white dress shirt, he had to look formal for his part time job.

“I TRIED BUT SOMEONE ATTEMPTED TO MURDER ME!! I'M GOING TO TELL GIN” Chuuya stopped in his hectic and looked appalled at his friend. Gin was the trump card, the one who everyone was scared of not because they were scary in the first place but none of them ever wanted to be on Gin’s bad side(their brother Akutagawa), nothing good would come out from that.

“YOU WOULDN'T” He pointed at him accusingly and Tachihara still tried to catch his breath and only grinned deviously at him. Oh no, he was f*cked.

“Don't overestimate me tiny man or you know what happens” He slid his thumb along his jaw and Chuuya visibly gulped down, he threw his hands in his hair and almost toppled over.

“Okay FINE! What is it that you want? The spaghettis or the croissants?” Tachihara beamed and basically jumped right into Chuuya’s open arms and clung on him like a koala.

“The croissants of course! You are the best friend ever. Do you know hoch much I love you Chuuya? I never regret meeting you!” Tachihara beamed and nuzzled his head against Chuuya’s neck, praising him like he had gifted him a million yen. Both men were painfully oblivious to him dying the shirt orange until Chuuya remembered and shoved his friend off with all the strength he could muster up.

“Get off me you stupid f*ck. I need to CHANGE NOW because SOMEONE thought it was a good idea to rub their disgusting lice head against my ONLY white shirt!!”

“I only had lice once okay and never bring that up again!”

“Or what? You’re gonna tell Gin, you know they would make fun of it just as much as I do so f*ck off lice head or I’ll rip your hair out so you can never dye it again!” He made an attempt to storm after Tachi but he ran away, not before stopping at the door to remind him.

“Don't forget the croissants or Gin will kill me” Smiled brightly and shut the door, his stupid giggles were background music as Chuuya stared down at his very orange shirt and hands. What did he do to deserve this?

After many outfit changes he settled for a black dress shirt and black dress pants and his dark boots, he arrived just on time and docked in, put his apron on and handled the first plates on his arms and served the customers. Kyouka was his favorite coworker, she was attending the same uni as him but was a year younger. What he appreciated about her so much was the fact that she never complained when he grabbed some leftovers, legally speaking they weren’t allowed to do that but she let it slide, unlike Ace. He worked at a fancy restaurant downtown. It was a fifteen minute drive from his apartment but it was worth it. Despite sharing the rent for the apartment with Tachi it was expensive, not only was it close to the campus but it had two bathrooms, a balcony and two spacious rooms and a rarely big open kitchen with a living room. It was western styled something he was not sure of at first but after living there most of his teen years he learned to appreciate it. Most apartments were taken by college students for its close distance to the uni and the city center.

After almost two hours of him balancing plates and other dishes on his arms, talking bad behind Ace’s back with Kyouka (“His hair looks so ugly I wonder if he ever gets laid” “Of course not . Someone would have to be blind to even find him appealing in any way”) talking to snoopy customers and having to suffer annoying children he had his break. He patted his pocket and found a lighter but the other was empty, right he smoked his last cigarette with Kouyou on the phone earlier. He jogged to the next gas station and let his eyes hover over the many drinks they offered, cheap coffee would do the job, he needed the caffeine to get through his shift.

“One bottle of this and a pack of the yellow ones for 430 yen” He pointed to the cigarette shelf and pulled the crumpled bills out of pockets.

“Your ID please” the money almost fell out of his hands, he looked up to the cashier an old man with grayish hair and round glasses, he was waiting but Chuuya had a problem his ID was not on him at the moment not even his phone where he had a picture of his ID saved in his favorites for worst case scenarios (such like that one). He exhaled deeply, bracing himself for the most humiliating discussion he would have in a long time.

“I'm very sorry sir but I forgot my ID at home. But I can reassure you that I am an adult, please! I'll pay double the amount if you want, please I just really need a cigarette as fast as possible!” He hated pleading and convincing a stranger that he was an adult was embarrassing enough, sure he wasn't the tallest but he still looked his age!

“I’m sorry boy but I can't give you these if you don't show me your ID”

“Listen, I have multiple tattoos, okay! I am f*cking 22 years old if you want to I can show you them. They were painful but the designs are beautiful and are very meaningful! Just give me those f*cking cigarettes already!” He had enough and slammed his fist on the counter making the coffee fall over and the cashier widened his eyes in shock, fortunately it was a can and did not spill out. The cashier opened his mouth to argue back when a hand was placed on Chuuya’s shoulder. He turned around, he was high on adrenaline and had almost punched Dazai….wait DAZAI?!?

He stood there in all his glory, sans his dark academia outfit from classes but in more comfortable looking clothes, he smiled sweetly and placed a cup of instant noodles on the counter. Chuuya was sure his mouth was wide open because why was he here?

“I'll pay for him”
And he did. He grabbed the cigarettes and the coffee and urged Chuuya to follow him outside. He trotted behind him like a lost puppy, this was so unfair.

“So I wasn't wrong when I thought I heard Chuuya barking” Dazai snickered and gave Chuuya his purchases he stopped abruptly before releasing them in Chuuya’s waiting hands.

“I didn't know middle schoolers were allowed to get tattoos”

“Do you want to create that scene from the morning f*cker? Give ‘em me already and no you don't get a cigarette don't even think about it” He snatched them from Dazai’s hands and opened the package and lit up a cigarette and exhaled the smoke, enjoying the slight burn in his throat and closed his eyes for a moment. His nerves relaxed immediately and he felt a bit more at peace, despite the reason for his annoyance standing beside him.

“Not a big fan of cigarettes. It suits you and your aesthetic more than me”

Was that a compliment? He raised a questioning eyebrow but Dazai watched him silently, not indulging him more. He snickered to himself and took another drag.

“Why didn't he ask you for your ID? You have a baby face! I hate this” He sounded like a bratty child and Dazai just stared at him and chuckled, “Why were you even there to begin with?” He asked and opened the can of coffee, holding the cigarette in Dazai’s direction, the other took it and waited until he opened the can and gave it to him without a comment. The coffee tasted like literal sh*t, too sweet and milky for his liking, his face twisted in disgust after he gulped down half of the can. He turned his head and caught Dazai hiding his mouth with hand. He grumbled insults under his breath and took another drag.

“I live close by and craved good ol 'ramen!” He shook the packaged bowl in his hand.

“You want it? It tastes like sh*t” Chuuya offered him the rest of the coffee, he knew if he drank more he would be unable to leave the toilet for the night. Stupid lactose intollerance. Dazai shrugged and took the can from him, emptying the can in one gulp before throwing it in the trash bin close by.

“What brings you here so late?” Dazai wiped his mouth with his gray sweater clean and approached Chuuya again, who lit up another cigarette.

“I work there and was on a break” He pointed behind him and in the distance he could see the neon signs of the restaurant. Dazai nodded and stayed quiet. He seemed different than earlier during class, more relaxed and not so antsy, observed Chuuya and took another drag before stomping the end out with his foot. It was probably a lot for Dazai and he was simply tired, he didn't need to know why he seemed down, although the question lay on the tip of his tongue, he didn't ask. Only then did Chuuya notice the dog chained against the fence next to the gas station.

“Is that your dog?” His face lit up, it was a rather small dog with dark fur and floppy ears. He approached the dog and crouched down,he held his hand up for the dog to sniff at it and then started petting the dog behind the ear.

“The beast is my sibling’s dog. Her name is Dogra” Dazai said and stood next to him. Chuuya glanced back at him and saw Dazai squinting his eyes at the dog, so he wasn't a fan of dogs but had to go out with her nonetheless.

“You're such a pretty lady Dogra! Oh yes you are! Who's a pretty lady? Yes you AR-” Dogra was an active dog, she flung her front paws up his shoulder and made them fall over, overhead he heard Dazai frantically asking if he was alright but Chuuya’s worries were gone. He laughed so loud and hearty that his belly hurt, between licks and whines from the dog he kept praising her until she calmed down. He sat down on the ground and caught his breath. All of the sudden he caught sight of his watch, he had to return. He got up and cleaned his clothes off of dirt and smiled lightly.

“What a surprise! The dog likes the dog! What a pair you two are. If you ever feel lonely, which you probably do, judging by the way you get happy at the sight of this demon, you can always have her. I have no use for her '' Dazai snickered and gestured between Chuuya and Dogra, normally he would lash out and insult Dazai but right now he only felt content and couldn't muster up the willpower to argue. He waved Dazai off, enjoying the baffled expression on his face a bit too much but he didn’t care. “Also I wanted to inform you that you have orange stains on your neck”

“Yeah f*cker thanks for informing me i almsot didnt notice that. Oh and before I forget it: Think about a way I can compensate you for the cigarettes and the deal!” He walked off, with his hands in his pockets and grinned to himself.

“I can only think of one way, but Chuuya! Not in front of everyone! There are children around!” Dazai screamed for the whole gas station patrons to hear. Chuuya stopped in his tracks and turned around mouthing a ‘f*ck you’ and showing a middle finger before rushing to the restaurant.

The next hours flew by and Chuuya actually enjoyed his job for once, no it wasn't Dazai’s appearance that made him feel a bit lightheaded. It was him and his adorable dog, Chuuya, who was a sucker for dogs, tried to think of Dogra cuddling with him rather than his empty room in his apartment and that thought kept him going until the end. He bid Kyouka goodbye and told her to text him if she arrived home safely.

The lights were out when he opened the apartment door and hushed quietly on his tiptoes to his room, not before placing the little paper bag with croissants on their kitchen table, and closed the door and exhaled deeply. He changed and got ready for bed. Sleep didn't come fast for him, he actually didn't sleep at all that night. At 2am he watched a Chinese lady cleaning her apartment when he received a notification.

‘(chuuya284): dazai.0samu started following you’

From where Dazai got his social media account, he didn't know. He was more interested in the clever mop the woman used when he heard knocks on his door.

“Come in” The door opened and he saw the red hair before Tachi’s eyes searched the room for him, when he found him he gleamed and sprinted towards him.

“Good, you're awake! Gin and Higuchi are here and we want to watch a movie”
His eyes were reddened and he smiled way too brightly for being awake so early, he grabbed Chuuya's hands and pouted out of the sudden.

“Please come and watch it with us!!” He pleaded and at the threshold appeared Higuchi in a stitch onesie and Gin in their usual balck attire but sleepwear now. How could he say no to that? He nodded and followed them to their living room area.

Somehow the four fit onto the small couch, only because Higuchi sat on their partner’s lap otherwise it would have been a group cuddling session. The three giggled like highschoolers with a crush while Tachihara searched for a (legal) website to watch Twilight.

“NO DON'T CHOOSE HIM NO BELLA NO”

“Why are they shiny?” Gin asked in the middle of the movie, their girlfriend gaped at them.

“Don't tell me you have never watched Twilight?” Gin shook their head no and Higuchi clapped her hands together and proclaimed proudly, “That’s it we’ll watch the trilogy”

Chuuya groaned but his suffering went unnoticed because the three now discussed whether they were team Edward or Jacob.

"I don't know about y'all but Robert Pattinson could punch me in the face" Tachi blurted out when Edward was on fullscreen.

"You have literally no taste" Gin deadpanned, they got hit by Tachi and started wrestling on the little couch.

It was going to be a long night for sure.

Chapter 3: Remember: we are rivals

Chapter Text

The single training hours didn't help. Dazai felt even more monitored than before.

He had to be weighed before he stepped on the ice, he also had a strict diet along with their many allergies. He felt more tired with every upcoming training hour, his hair started to fall out and his morning dizziness worsened, with the increase of stimulants since his change in practice hours and his arms full of scars, the trainer thought it was better to inject them through needles. They would work faster and more efficiently. He started covering up his arms because the little dots looked unappealing.

He regularly woke up early in the morning, had “school” and when the clock hit midday he was sent to his training. How much he hated it here. He missed Japan, his friends, his hometown, and his mother tongue.

After he won the competition in his district when he was nine years old did his parents finally see his true potential. Not only that, sponsors ran after him and made his dream come true; having the best trainer for his age group train him.

Papers were rapidly signed and then they were in the US. He learned a new language and met new people. He was homeschooled and their parents worked from early morning hours to late evening shifts. Their free time was full of practice, he simply had no time for making friends. They didn't need them anyways! What could he do with them, he simply saw no use in them. They couldn't help him with improving his jumps and figures, no they didn't add anything to the picture, a simple distraction that was what friends were, his trainer told him.

At 12 he started training alone. He had to win a few regional competitions for him to make himself noticeable, and oh boy they did. Dazai left a bitter impression as the child with a cold gaze and arms as graceful as a swan. Parents stared at him in fear and babies cried when he passed them, that was a victory. They easily won competitions and his shelf was filled with certificates, their medals were stored in the room at the training grounds.

The stress and pressure were starting to get to him, their anxiety was so bad that he couldn’t move on some days. Panic attacks were the norm, he woke up, cried, and got ready for school. He showered, cried and hurt himself, and moved on. This routine went on for months, they didn’t remember when it started, only that one day his trainer grabbed their arms inspected their wrists, and forearms, and even made him strip down his pants to see scars and wounds.

“Why would you do that?” She had questioned Dazai. He didn’t know, her grip on his shoulder was painful and he swayed with dizziness. Why would she ask that, if he wasn’t even certain of himself?

“It helps me cope” They responded because that was the only answer he could give her at the moment. He wasn’t able to come out to her, although they assumed she knew some part of it all the time.

“With what? Stress? You poor little girl, what is stressing you? When I was your age I had to be stressed because of my parents but you? You don’t have a reason to cope with whatever you think you are going through. You are doing fine, understand?” Oh, she was right. This was typical. The stress and pressure were all just in their head.

“Yes ma’am” They nodded because, in the end, he had no right to oppose her. She had the upper hand in it all along. There was absolutely no reason to fight her when they already knew that he would lose.

“You’ll get a partner in a few days so prepare yourself for partner skating” So the training changed again they moved training grounds to the neighboring city and he started to meet people.

At home, the tension was starting to suffocate him. His parents fought more than being at home. Until the point that his father left them. One morning Dazai woke up and heard sobs. They got up and strode to his parent’s bedroom and saw their mother sitting on the bed, her blanket laying around her as if she had just woken up. Her face was hidden in her hands and her upper body shook with each cry. Through her hands he could make out his father's name; it sounded broken and teary.

His parents never married, they didn’t see the benefit it could bring or they knew from the start that a divorce would be too expensive. So they started to live with his mother, and they moved again into a smaller apartment closer to the new training area. When his father left, he was hoping to spend more time with his mother to finally have the childhood they so much dreamed of. He didn’t foresee that she would have to work more hours than before. His father didn’t leave money either; he was simply gone, pictures of the three were long taken down and the walls in the new apartment were bare. It simply was used for sleeping, nothing else. They never felt so lonely and isolated.

Whenever he tried to talk to his mother about his father she closed up, built her walls high up until he couldn’t reach them, and left him with even more questions than before.

Her massive mood swings affected him more than he realized. In the morning when she cried they felt a lump in their throat and couldn't do much other than just stay in their room and stare at the white ceiling. It affected his skating too. He couldn't concentrate and fell more often during training as if they had just learned to skate. When she let her anger out on him, blaming him for his absent father, he completely shut off. On the ice, he tried his hardest and pushed himself closer to the limit each time. The limit was a breakdown.

He couldn't do this anymore. It was all so so much for them. He never wanted his father to leave.

His father was there for his partner when she fought with her parents because they disapproved of the relationship between their daughter and Dazai’s father. Their conservative beliefs made them disown their daughter, in those dark times his father was there for her. She was a lively and kind woman always trying her best for the family she so dearly loved and always yearned for. So where did that woman go and how can Dazai bring her back?

Every attempt of him trying to get closer to her failed, so he tried a different approach. They didn't have to do much for that, just try harder and make her proud of what he was good at!

So when they pushed himself harder, took more stimulants because his body had gotten too weak, and tried to perfect his turns and jumps during practice he did it only for her, because she was going to see how hard Dazai tried and forgive them, for destroying the family.

But she never approved of him, the night his father left his mother did too.

“Dazai what is going on? I can see that something happened. You know that you can talk to me right?” One day after practice he collapsed against one of the seats beside the ice. His trainer stood beside him, worry was visible in her blue eyes, her hands were pressed against her sides and Dazai lost it. Tears gathered in Dazai’s eyes and they flung their thin arms around her middle and screamed, clawing their hands in her wool sweater as if she might leave if he didn't hold onto her. He couldn't do this anymore; he just wanted to leave, nothing was important to him anymore. The one person he cared so much about was gone and he could never get his mother back. He was just a child, he didn't know what to do. They were afraid, scared, and lonely. Afraid that one day he might wake up and she was gone, scared that he was going to end up alone, alone in this scary world without anyone else and lonely because he had nobody left.

She carded her fingers through Dazai’s hair and whispered comforting words into his hair.
He didn't remember when his mother hugged him and went that far to praise him for how strong he was. It was all too much at the moment and they cried even harder.

“So what is it that worries you so much?” He calmed down after a painful 10 minutes of him crying in her arms. She smiled softly at him and he felt something in his chest aching.

“My parents. My dad left” He stuttered through hiccups. His voice was raspy and his vocal cords burned.

“Poor child. I am so sorry to hear that” She said and hugged him again, this time he didn't know what to do. He was never hugged before, he initiated the hug most of the time. But he found himself enjoying the warmth of another body against his and relaxed into the hug. He told her about the current relationship between his mother and them and she listened and told him stories about her mother and Dazai found himself empathizing with her. At that moment the two shared a new bond. Dazai despised her nonetheless but found someone he had lost. The relationship shifted, he found comfort in her and she treated him like her own child.

Things didn't quite get better. He still felt lonely and approached his mother even when she slapped him across the cheek he never stopped rebuilding the relationship he had with her. Dazai pushed himself if not even more than before. His outbursts were taken care of by the trainer. They were spiraling and he couldn't find a way out. Until Dazai met him.

He was his partner for the upcoming competition. They trained with other pairs and he was strong and beautiful on the ice. The moment Dazai laid his eyes on him he knew he was in love. Other girls glared viciously when he smiled at Dazai and told them how happy he was to have him as a partner.

They got along surprisingly well. Dazai never thought of himself as a people person, he was shy at first and needed time to feel comfortable, additionally, he didn't have much experience with friends even less with romance.

They teased each other and started talking. They had never met someone as great as him, he was all he needed at the moment. When Dazai arrived in a gloomy mood his partner cheered him up. One day he asked him on a date, and of course, Dazai said yes.

They ate ice cream and had the most fun Dazai had for a long time. Since he met him he didn't even know why he was sad before their issues and struggles all vanished when he glanced at him. He was Dazai’s happiness. When the girls asked him if they were together he blushed and felt lightheaded all of the sudden. The thought didn't scare him. The two were so close that skating felt naturally with the other, so intact and perfect. They knew where each one’s strengths lay and weaknesses.

He truly fell in love when they won the competition. When the jury screamed their names through the speaker. He grabbed Dazai by the chin and kissed him.

They saw each other every day and whispered secrets under the blankets, giggled childishly when he kissed Dazai on the cheek, and simply said they were happier than ever. One thing was kept unsaid, that Dazai was not a girl. He knew he didn't pass but with his situation at home he couldn't find the courage to ask his mother for help, he still didn't fully come out to her so he kept it a secret from everyone.

“Do you want to be my girlfriend?” They stood in front of Dazai’s apartment complex, he held Dazai’s hands in his own. They saw the red blush on his cheeks and the shine in his eyes, how much he wanted to say yes. Before that happened they had to tell him.

“I need to tell you something”

“It's alright if you don't want to. I kind of understand it”

“No wait let me please-”

“Of course, you would say no I mean a girl like you would never want a guy like me” He interrupted and scratched his head in visible discomfort.

“That's not it trust me I wanted to say-”

“Is it you and not me? Whatever it is, I will fix it, trust me! I just like you and I can assure you that-”

“I AM A BOY” There he said it out loud for the first time. A weight on his shoulders disappeared and Dazai felt like he could breathe normally again. To finally come out, all the fear he kept inside vanished from him. He felt good.

“What?” He asked Dazai, his smile from before was gone and he looked downright shocked. He withdrew his hands and wiped them off on his shirt.

“I am not a girl. I am trans” He explained timidly. Now a new fear started to wash over him; of not being accepted.

“No, but you have a girl’s body and your voice… it's… just. I had my hands on your body! It can't be. No, you are not a boy. I don't like boys. I would not have fallen for a boy. I even kissed you. I AM NOT GAY” He stepped slowly backward until his back hit a bench, he almost toppled over. Dazai reached out to help him get up but his hand was slapped away.

“DO NOT TOUCH ME. EVER AGAIN.” These were the last words he said to Dazai, perhaps he said more harmful words but it was all static noises for them. He couldn't breathe, everything turned around him in slow motion but at the same time too fast.

With the last willpower he had, he opened the apartment door and rushed straight into his room and ripped their shirt off, and threw it onto the floor. Dazai felt like they were drowning in self-pity and no one even attempted to help them. Couldn’t they see how bad he had been doing the past few months? How often would he have to hurt himself to be seen? How much pain did he have to go through for his mother to realize how bad her child was doing?

Next were the pants which had been secured with safety pins so that they fit their hip size, those pins were opened rather harshly and thrown on the floor. Then he stood only in underwear in front of the full-body mirror and the sight scared them. Tears were welling up in their eyes, dark eyes, such dark eyes. Why can’t they shine so bright? Once they shone so bright, that people told them they looked like a galaxy. Now they resembled a black hole. His chest felt heavy all of a sudden and breathing became difficult.

They had to remove the binder. A dull beat buzzed in their ears and they covered them quickly, no need to hear their rapid heartbeat, it only increased their inner panic.

Dazai knew he was going to tell all of the other people of his identity, he can't come out by himself anymore. This one thing he had so much hope for was being taken away from him right in front of his eyes and he couldn't do anything, only watch from the outside.

They could never truly feel like a boy. Tomorrow people were going to stare at them with a hidden agenda, that he was weird and sick in the head for thinking he was a boy. They had sunken onto the floor, heels of his shaky hands pressed firmly onto their eyes to stop the flowing tears, silent screams escaped their quivering mouth and their back was hunched. Why couldn't they be a normal girl, everything would be easier. Their whole body twitches violently. Their parents would be proud of them, and Dazai would be proud of himself.

Tears were running down his cheeks and his heart pounded violently in his chest. He couldn't breathe. A painful sound escaped their mouth, he put his hand between his teeth and bit to quiet down the noises. They hated it, hate hate hate it! This body had always felt so foreign to them, the stupid little fabric didn’t assist in that matter.

The only thing it did was hurt their ribs, challenging their breathing and making them feel trapped. The binder was off and they didn’t dare to take a look into their reflection, the person he might have seen was not him, not in the slightest. They wrapped their arms around their abdomen, but their arms flew away from the skin-to-skin touch as if their skin was on fire. Even that felt foreign and displeasing.

Boys didn’t do that, they didn’t have to prove their manhood or masculinity, why did they feel the pressure then? Why did it feel so difficult then?

That night they slept with a tight sports bra on along with their usual sleep attire, during the clothing change they didn’t glance once into the mirror. Such strong and irritating dysphoria was overfamiliar with them, even so, it was always so suddenly enormous, just too much to handle.

–

“As you can see the image here is not from this century. It was taken in 1856. Can someone tell me what happened a few years prior?” The professor asked the students.

Dazai, sleep-deprived and low on caffeine, sat next to Chuuya. He had to argue with the short hat rack but in the end, they sat triumphantly next to a gloomy Chuuya. It somehow made his stressful morning a tad better. He was awoken by Yumeno and Dogra pouncing on his mattress and demanding him to make waffles because Mori was called to the hospital for an emergency.

But his mood soured again when the prof informed them that they would start the lecture with art history, a part of the program for art and photography majors alike.
He hated history, back in high school time he never was able to ace this class. He was a good student, even above-average, and never failed a single class but history was their final boss. He never read the sheets they were being given and rarely listened to the teacher. Now he regretted being so naive back then.

Chuuya raised his hand because of course he knew the answer, what a nerd.

“The first photographic camera was developed and built by Alphonse Giroux in 1839”

“Yes, exactly. I hope everyone knows that already, if not I suggest refreshing your memory with a little documentary. I will send you the link this afternoon. I will test you all about the camera and its history. It is paramount for your final exam. Don't think I will go easy on the newcomers” She winked in Dazai’s direction and he widened his eyes in shock. This was not going well. They would have to study a lot, which he usually didn't do. He passed most of his classes due to his photographic memory, not because he studied. He glanced at the information he would get tested on and remembered it.

Chuuya snickered next to him, oh so he thought it was funny.

“Do you find it so delightful that I suck at this?” Dazai pouted and braced his face on his palm. Chuuya smirked and shrugged. He wanted to snatch his hat off and throw it away, but no not in class, he can do that later.

“Somehow, yes. You seem so full of yourself that it makes me overjoyed to see you fail” He grinned, they would almost say that it was a lovely side, wasn't it for the rude comment.

“We will see that. I am very clever, did you know? But your hat probably feats off of your brain so there's little left. Anyways I bet I can top your stupid little quiz score” He claimed and threw his hands in the air, for dramatic purposes only. Chuuya laughed out a dry and unconvinced laugh, before settling his eyes on them. In them glimmered a stubborn and competitive light and Dazai reconsidered his actions for a good second.

“You can bet on it” Chuuya held his hand out for Dazai to shake and he did.
He didn't get the chance to discuss the details for their little bet thanks to Chuuya dashing out of the lecture, muttering something about being too late for something French-related. Did he take French? Was his accent visible when he spoke? Or was he part French?

He didn't ask and Chuuya’s Instagram profile didn't seem like it, most posts were pictures of his friends or landscapes, notably sunsets. One post stood out, multiple pictures of his drawings. Most were just scribbles of strangers or animals, the one with the kitten and the ball of wool was his personal favorite. Dazai almost commented about the serene atmosphere Chuuya had created in the picture but refused to in the end.

He walked into the cafeteria towards the vending machines to buy two coffees. In the first days of uni, they approached Oda quite often and quickly formed a friendship with him. He found out that the man adopted five children during his twenties and that he was writing his second book at the moment. Dazai ever the curious pressed for details and Oda indulged him freely. He was a mastermind in Dazai’s opinion, Oda was a perspective man and well-spoken. He regarded everything Dazai said, whether it was a complaint about a student or an opinion on a book.

“Isn't that my favorite professor!” Dazai exclaimed when he entered the lecture hall, Oda was on lunch break and ate homemade curry that he swooned over so much. The man looked up from his meal and smiled lightly.

“Here I thought you could use some coffee” They tossed him the can of coffee and Oda caught it mid-air and immediately took a sip.

“I need that after reading some essays of your schoolmates. I think some should have picked creative writing instead of literature” He scratched his stubble and frowned down at the papers lying on his desk.

“I know exactly which one you mean! I noticed that right from the beginning “ They babbled and went off on a rant about each student and their flaws. During his speech he sat on the lowest row of the desks facing Oda, he listened keenly and even scribbled down some notes.

“Fyodor is the only exception. I don't even know why he chose literature, law or criminal justice would suit him much better but he’s brilliant. His sense of understanding amazes me every time anew” Dazai praised and peered outside watching birds on the big oak tree outside the window. He was lost in the moment until Oda coughed awkwardly.

“Is something bothering you? You weren't there during the lecture and we talked about a book you told me you liked. I assumed you would be more…cheerful” Oda’s monotone voice sounded worried and Dazai smiled lightly.

“I think I agreed to the worst bet ever and I need your opinion on it” Oda hummed and returned to signing papers on his desk, “ there is this one guy in my art slash photography class. We had a…joyful start. Art history will be part of the exam at the end of the school year and I am horrible at it. He isn't though and I was simply jealous and told him that I will get a better score in the quiz about art history” When he said it like that it seemed so stupid to him and he felt quickly embarrassed.

“Hmm sounds like you will have to study a lot, but what is so wrong with that?” Oda looked up from the sheet and his face seemed puzzled. Dazai couldn't blame him the way he voiced it made him seem like a bratty child.

“I suck at history!” He cried out.

He hated history listening to the speaker’s voice lulled him into a dreamy state. The documentary the teacher sent them was peculiar and informative (and long). He made notes, stopped every two minutes, and reread his notes to better commit them to his memory. They had to pull an allnighter, he sat at his desk for way too long and the many cups of coffee decorated his desk kept them company. He wanted to give up halfway through the film but slapped some sense in himself, he had to win the bet! Chuuya wasn't going to brag about his victory.

You might ask yourself, was it worth it in the end? The answer: No

Not only did he arrive late because Yosano thought it was alright to not tell them that she had late classes for the day (Ranpo did not have their license, claiming it was unnecessary) so they took the bus.

“No way you actually passed. But oh what is that?” Chuuya said and pointed at their grade. Chuuya passed perfectly with 100% because…again he was a big nerd. Dazai saw his life passing before his eyes and prayed to every god out there why he deserved such harsh treatment.

“Fine you won the bet but don't get ahead of yourself hat rack”

“Hat rack?” Chuuya spat and grabbed his hat with both hands as if it could have been swept away by a harsh breeze.

“You heard me don't make me repeat myself Chuuya” Dazai sulked and poked Chuuyas cheek which was surprisingly soft not like he imagined what his cheek would feel like if he ever touched it. No, of course not. Chuuya smacked his hand away and cursed under his breath.

So what now? Dazai didn't fail his test but he grew restless, knowing he could have done better and also knowing that Chuuya beat him. Then an idea burned itself in his brain, it was brilliant, never been done before, incredible, just perfect. Heh, the shorty was going to hate the idea, besides he didn't have a chance to refuse…oh he was going to love it!

“Hey, Chuuya!” Dazai exclaimed and the other sighed deeply before turning in his direction, awaiting whatever nonsense Dazai might utter.

“I have an idea and you won't like it but you have practically no right to reject it because it was a deal-”

“Get on with whatever you want to say, Dazai” Hearing their name out of Chuuya's mouth was not something he thought would affect them, for the moment it did. They shook their head to get rid of other images popping up.

“Our deal, you remember it right?”

“Yeah, I owe you something” Chuuya repeated and stared expectantly at Dazai who nodded happily.

“Yeah, uhm about that I found something! You, my dear, have to teach me about history, especially art history! How does it sound? Like lots of fun right,” Dazai squealed and completely ignored Chuuya's bewildered glare.

“I thought you were so sure of yourself? What did you say?” He asked himself because Dazai had no idea what they had said. They tell too much but say so little at the same time that they forgot what he said to some people. “I recall it was: ‘I am very clever, did you know?’ You know what? No, I don't think you are that clever, but if you can sleep better at night, yeah sure thing” Chuuya smirked at him, and how he wanted to wipe that expression off of his face

“If I don't pass with outstanding grades we know who the real problem is then!” He poked his tongue out and relinquished Chuuya’s theatrically gagging. His final answer to that was his middle finger.

“So you agree?” They asked him and he knew for sure that Chuuya was going to agree, there was no other way! He had agreed to this from the beginning, still, Chuuya looked conflicted as if he was weighing his options.

“Of course I do. There is no other option to choose” he shrugged his shoulders and looked defeated.

“So how are we going to do it?” The two walked out of the lecture hall and stood in the hallway when Dazai asked the question.

“I'll text you the time and place. Leave it to me” He turned and moved on when Dazai noticed that they didn't have his number.

“Eh Chuuya!” He called out, the man turned around and frowned, “I don't have your number” He scratched his neck timidly and noticed Chuuya approaching him. He braced himself for a punch or an insult but not Chuuya handing him his phone, displaying an empty contact. They took the phone and typed their number into it. Instead of simply filling in the form he typed in his birthday at the unoccupied slot and his email address. Chuuya didn't need to notice that though, he only wanted to make sure that he was able to contact them!

“Well then see ya around!” Chuuya walked off towards three awaiting students, a blond girl and her black-haired companion, who covered half their face and a copy of the latter only with white dyed hair tips. He greeted them and turned around, facing Dazai.

“I would suggest you start with the creation of the camera. From there we will move on in baby steps” Chuuya grinned wickedly and Dazai didn't know if he should have been turned on by that or embarrassed. In the end, it didn't matter, he would meet Chuuya regularly from now on, and hopefully, beat him in the next important assignment .!

Chapter 4: Terrace house

Chapter Text

“Will he be all right?”

“Very likely. The shock wasn’t that life-threatening but the fall on the ground indeed was. He hit his head badly and has a fatal head injury”

“Oh no, how did this happen?”

“I have no idea. He stood next to me, and he fell the next second. Didn’t warn a soul just dropped like a dead weight to the ground.”

“Did he eat something before that?”

“Oh, he sure did. Shoveled all the cake down his throat, at some point we had to help him eat because he was shaking so much”

“You are so irresponsible! He could have died and you even helped him?”

“It wasn’t as bad as you make it to be”

Chuuya was unconscious. With his eyes closed and limbs heavy as if filled up with cement he lay in a bed. He can tell from the well-known antiseptic smell in the air, that he was in the hospital, everything smelled and felt too clean.

His best friends stood close to him, but not exactly next to him, he couldn’t hear Yuan’s teeth clattering or Shirase’s habit of swiping his hands across his jacket when he was nervous. No, he could only decipher their hushed voices, Yuan’s especially, the girl could have the loudest and booming voice in the room.

“Shut up you two or I'll throw you out of the window” Chuuya groaned and slowly sat up, his head pounded and his mouth was dry. His hand flew to his head where he felt gauze wrapped around it, he must look like a clown. The two kids beamed at him waking up and rushed towards him, Shirase hugged him from his right and Yuan from the other side.

“We were so worried about you! You didn’t wake up much to Shirase’s countless attempts you didn’t stir!” Yuan nuzzled her cheek against his and he smiled relieved and brought her in an awkward embrace from his position. Shirase retreated and stood stiffly next to them and glanced around, he probably didn’t want to ruin Yuan’s and Chuuya’s moment. Even though Chuuya liked both his friends equally he noticed Shirase distancing himself when it was only him and Yuan, as if he was too scared to interrupt them. Chuuya had to talk with him or else he would lose his mind over his friend closing himself up over whatever feelings he harbored.

“I’m fine can you let go now?” Yuan’s hold on him started to strangle him, he pinched her arm and she freed him without restraints.”So what is the plan for now?” He righted his shirt and slipped out of the bed. His two friends stood in shock next to him, how was he able to stand? He was completely unconscious a few seconds ago!

“You’re not going anywhere! You are sick...or…have something that MAKES you sick! This was the third time you fainted!” Shirase stammered and held him by both shoulders to keep him in place. Yuan stood behind him and glanced between the two. She always sided with Shirase, rarely spoke her own opinion, and went along with what the others said.

“You know that I have diabetes right? This happens when my blood sugar is too high but you did the right thing and brought me to the hospital” Chuuya hissed, he had told them many times before that he had diabetes but his friends were wary of it, not because they didn’t believe him, they simply didn’t understand it. “Let me go. I am fine and I will go now. If you want to stay here and play doctors, sure suit yourselves. But I am not staying here” He pushed his friends away, ignored their protests, and got ready. His belongings along with his clothes lay perfectly placed on the single chair in the room, he grabbed his phone and keys and got dressed. Not before ripping the IV out, earning loud gasps both from Yuan and Shirase, he was scared of seeing blood and had to gulp down bile at the sight of blood drops leaking out of Chuuya’s arm. Then he dashed outside with both his friends right on his heels, they knew he wasn’t going to stay here so it was best for all to act along.

He found a little trolley with medical supplies, picked out the gauze, and bound a strap around where the needle was. Shirase and Yuan watched out for nurses or doctors, the hallway was surprisingly void of them.

“We can go” Chuuya ordered and nodded towards his friends. The three were careful to not be sighted by doctors and nurses and slipped around corners until they were at the main entrance of the hospital from there on they could act like normal visitors and strutted along with other patients.

When they exited the hospital all the three exhaled deeply and Chuuya was the first to snicker at the whole act. Yuan and Shirase stared at each other before chuckling lightly and following where Chuuya walked off.

“How are the others doing? I hope I wasn’t out for too long” Chuuya inquired, his hands were deep in his pockets in search of some spare coins. His throat begged him to drink, thirst was normal for diabetes patients and Chuuya had no idea what his blood sugar was at the moment. He measured it on his app, but his phone was low on battery and he needed those few minutes to call a cab to get home.

“Not much. After you fainted everyone was worried and left fast but that was it. Well, your brother showed up and we all were too scared to talk to him…” Shirase mumbled behind him, Chuuya only paid half of his attention to his friend, nonetheless, he nodded along. If his brother arrived he must have received a message that his blood sugar was high, so he still had their phones connected. Interesting.

At a little drug store, he bought himself two water bottles and a bar of chocolate. He felt miserable, not because he sneaked out of the hospital but because of his friends. It was indeed not the first time he passed out and it saddled his friends every time. They needed him in their gang. He was the muscle, the leader, and the voice in most matters. They relied on him more than on others, so to disappoint them again felt like an insult to his pride. They started fretting about him when he arrived with a sensor on his arm one day, of course, the usual questions ensued but he didn’t care these were his friends, his trusted friends they would never see him differently.

But they did. Whenever he was drinking Yuan begged him to measure his blood sugar, though she wouldn’t stop until she saw that the results were decent. In school when he ate a piece of cake Shirase insisted that he shouldn’t eat like that.

It was as if the Chuuya they knew, he knew didn’t exist. He was only seen as an illness he didn’t even want.

Worst of all it burdened them, they had to look after Chuuya during a street fight when it was the other way around before. He was their leader and he wanted to look after them!!

He paid for the items and left quickly. He gulped down one entire bottle on the go and ate a bit of chocolate while his two friends indulged him in the newest school drama in their class. There was a rumor about him, apparently getting surgery by Japan’s best doctor as if he could afford that.

They trudged along their gang’s territory the more they walked. Windows were broken and walls were full of spray paintings, some alleyways were too dark to even make out if someone stood in there. The three kids hurried to get as fast as possible out of there and to their base.

“Who do we have here? Isn’t that the little leader of the Sheep?” When they rounded a corner Chuuya stumbled into a solid chest. The person reeked of strong alcohol and cheap cigarettes. He looked up to find a young man standing there, behind him stood two others, both looked horrible as if they didn’t know showers existed. Chuuya screwed his face in disgust and told his friends in sign language that he could take them. The two understood immediately and backed off.

“What do you want?” Chuuya demanded and tried to make himself seem as tall as possible, he cracked his fists and smirked. He knew he was going to win this, even if the three were relatively strong, they would never compare to him.

“Oh, many things! I would start with your gorgeous eyes, then your hair perhaps your body…but for now I’m content with only your base. We can do this without throwing punches. I would never want to hurt a child, you know?” The man grinned mischievously and his companions behind him chuckled lightly. Chuuya registered the implications easily, he was wanted. A deal with this freak? Over his dead body would he give his safe place out! He stepped closer until the tips of their shoes touched.

“Good thing I am not a child then” Chuuya whispered into his ear, he had to stabilize himself on the man’s shoulders and tried not to throw up when he was close to his hair.

He took the momentary shock as an advantage and hit him hard in the stomach with his knee. He toppled over and Chuuya took a handful of hair and smashed his head into the wall, a wet sound and hot splashes of blood painted the light wall red. His comrades gasped and dashed towards him. He used the unconscious man as a shield, one tried to punch him in the face but he placed the comatose man’s face between them and kicked him in the kneecaps. He threw the senseless man on the floor and bounced on the other, pressing his thumbs in his eye sockets until he was temporarily blind, earning a few punches on his back and scratches on his arms, he hit him hard in the neck and he fell on the ground. The last man stood on the wall, gasping for air and watching him warily.

“I won’t hurt you, please! Don’t hurt me. I have a girlfriend please!” The man begged pathetically on his knees.

“Should have thought about it before,” Chuuya said and kicked him harshly against the side of his head. With a loud thump, he fell to the ground.

“You can come out” Chuuya exclaimed, his two friends stammered out of the next alleyway and toddled towards him.

“Oh, that was faster than I thought” Shirase glanced at his wristwatch and gave Chuuya his unopened water bottle back. He emptied it in a heartbeat along with half a chocolate bar. They arrived at the base, Chuuya flopped down on the couch, a green and old thing it probably had stains that he didn’t want to know where they came from. They rested for a few hours and spent these hours talking about school because Chuuya was not in the mood to discuss his health, so they watched trashy TV shows.

When it started to grow dark outside and police sirenes started to increase, disrupted a harsh knock on the thin wooden door the peaceful silence. The three leaped in the air and glanced at one another in utter shock. Could it be the guy from earlier?

“Chuuya I know you are in there” Chuuya's shoulders sagged in relief. It was just his brother. Paul waited impatiently outside the door when Chuuya opened the door slowly and carefully, he glanced around to make sure it was only him and fully opened the door. Paul gave him an up-and-down glance and smiled relieved. “I was worried about you. The hospital called that you were transported there with an ambulance” He patted his shoulder and gestured to the car behind him. “Let’s go home. Kouyou already prepared dinner for us three” If it weren’t for Kouyous presence he would have declined. He bid his friends goodbye and got back to his home.

His sister greeted him with her naturally warm smile. She didn't hug him, it was not something she was keen about and therefore didn't act upon it. She was an interesting character, so passionate about her work that someone would even think it was her entire life. He remembered old grannies asking her about a boyfriend and she declined with a wave of her hand and an 'I am not interested in love'

“So how tall was your foe this time?” Kouyou smirked. The three sat at the dinner table, Chuuya shoveled a bowl of rice in his mouth when she asked him the question. Paul watched over the teacup the interaction with great attention. Both siblings weren’t a big fan of Chuuya’s rowdy antics however they also never stopped him.

“A head taller could also be one and a half. I don't remember it. Only his stupid look when I kicked him. HA” Chuuya belted with rice corns flying out of his mouth.

The fight was just what he needed after the fainting, adrenaline flew through his veins and he felt more alive than ever before.

“Chuuya, don't talk with a full mouth” Paul demanded and patted his mouth dry with a tissue.

“You only wish you could be as strong as me! But you only care about your looks with your fancy braid and expensive suits” Chuuya pointed at him with his chopsticks accused, he raised himself out of his chair to be at eye level with his brother. Paul opened his mouth to counter back but was interrupted by Kouyous subtle chuckles.

“What’s so funny huh?” Chuuya frowned but his anger melted when he saw the tender smile on Kouyou’s face, she shook her head and mumbled that it was nothing.

“Chuuya I just don’t think your little gang is a good environment for you” It was not the first time Paul forewarned him about the Sheep. Of course, Chuuya knew well that gangs were dangerous, especially in the territory his gang was located. It still unnerved him that Paul wanted to take away something he held so close.

“So what?” He laid lazily on the living room couch with his feet on the armrest and his head on Kouyou’s lap. Paul stood next to him with his arms crossed, it was the ‘father stance’, Kouyou told him once he was younger.

“I just want you to be safe. You are already sick I don't want to hear how much more times you faint and even worse not with us at your side” He pointed towards Kouyou and himself. The two were fiercely protective over him, he hated it! He was strong enough to not be babied by his siblings!

“I am old and strong enough to look after myself. I don't need you two scaredy cats behind me all the time watching every step I do” He whined and threw his arm over his face to cover his eyes.

“Mom would say the same thing” Paul added. He knew it was the only thing that can calm down Chuuya’s stubborn outbursts. His mother he never met, never knew. The one person who died so that he can have a chance to live. Chuuya stood up swiftly and pushed his brother away with his finger.

“Don't you dare bring mom into this!”

“But she-”

“SHE ISN’T HERE ANYMORE. SHE IS DEAD!” Chuuya screamed at his brother, he was red in the face and out of breath.

“Don’t talk about her like that she-”

“OR WHAT? IS SHE GOING TO TELL ME I AM WRONG?” He stormed into his room and flung his door close with a loud smack. He looked at his hands and saw ants crawling.

What great timing

–
Rays of sunshine shone through pearly white curtains, illuminating white thick blankets, and several pillows. Birds uttered soft melodies while exploring the highs and lows of the wide clear blue sky with no cloud in far sight. That feeling only existed in fairytales, when the prince kissed his princess awake and the world would start to be a better place. The different chipping sounds form a lullaby so drowsing, that even Chuuya, in this case, the sleeping beauty, couldn’t resist the urge to relish in the comfortable warmth that their king-sized bed offered for another thirty minutes.

The only addition that could have made this moment perfect would be breakfast in bed, a plate of croissants along with a hot cup of green tea next to a bowl of freshly cut berries and other delicious fruits, looking too exquisite to take a bite of.

Before he felt the sensation of butter croissants dipped in the strawberry jam on his eager lips, he groaned in pain instead, sudden sharp pain at his left arm, and again, and again and for another time. He whined and slowly opened his eyes, only to be met with a blurry vision of his frowning roommate.

“Earth to Chuuya?” He waved a hand in front of his face. It took him a moment to remember where he was. He was in his room, to be specific in his bed. Far and wide was no sight of a plate with the luscious baked goods nor the mild soothing smell of green tea.

The only smell noticeable was the range that surrounds the fuming man, it reeked of death. He sighed in frustration and his eyes drifted towards the window beside his bed. The sky was colored in different shades of grey, several dark clouds plastered along the ocean of greys. It was probably going to rain, he wondered idly.

“Chuuya!” He snapped out of his daydreams when a strong hand gripped his arm and shook it with too much strength.

He then focused on Tachihara, with crossed arms and a bouncing foot standing next to him, waiting impatiently. He mumbled a raspy ‘Good Morning’ and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes with his fingertips.

“You overslept! Get out of your bed sleepyhead!” Tachi reminded him and turned on his feet to walk out of the room.

“What?! What time is it?” Chuuya was then wide awake, tearing the bedding off his bare legs. Immediately regretted it when he felt the chill air in his room. A bright redhead appeared at the door frame

“It’s 9:45 am go get ready” and disappeared just as fast. The boy cursed out loud and rushed to his wooden closet, banging the doors open. After a quick deep dive into the semi-walk-in closet, he found appropriate clothes and ran to the bathroom at the end of the hallway. He got ready rather fast and rushed out of the door back into his room. It was a disaster, how did he not notice that the day before? Everywhere were notebooks scattered on the floor or clothes or camera supplies or random drawings he had started nights prior but either forgot about or hadn’t found the strength to continue.

He gathered all the necessary material he was going to need for class and tutoring Dazai after classes, yes he prepared a plan for this idiot. He was going mentally through his checklist when he noticed something.

“Why are you still home though? Don’t you have classes yourself?” He screamed and stuffed notebooks and several pencils he didn’t know he owned in his bag. “I have afternoon and night classes today! Hirotsu has a doctor's appointment today.” He shouted back and appeared again at his threshold a mischievous grin adoring his usually calm face. “Of course you do!” He mumbled under his breath and sidestepped Tachi to run down into the kitchen, where he searched like a complete maniac for something edible that would raise his blood sugar.

Tachi had followed him like a stray cat and stood at the kitchen isle that separated the open dining room from the kitchen. “In the top drawer on the right are some cereal bars, I always take them with me when I’m late” He informed him as if that would be of no importance. He knew what he searched for: His favorite cereal bars.

”Why are you even up at this hour,” Wondered Chuuya, and tried to reach the drawer for a said snack. His friend watched the show with a smug expression behind a cup of coffee, but eventually stood up because there was no fun watching a child-sized man trying to grab a cereal bar when his hands can’t even reach the handle to the said drawer.

“To meet up with Gin and Ryu, we have this stupid project. Here let me help you” He said and handed him the food, which earned him a harsh punch in the ribs. For revenge Chuuya drank the cup of coffee almost empty that was waiting to be drunk out of, he claimed, in a few gulps and slammed it in front of his shocked roommate. “Ohh you’re playing with fire here, you’re playing with fire” He threatened him with piercing blue eyes. “You can tell me your master plan later! Bye!” He bid Tachi farewell and closed the door, cutting his friend’s protests halfway off.

But he had more important business to attend to his classes plus the tutoring. He was too early on his way to the campus and would have enough to plan it all through.

After parking his motorcycle at the college’s parking lot he found himself a bench with a table to lay all his materials out. He sat down and pulled his laptop out, he was missing an assignment for French, he created a quick note in the app and moved on, another missing assignment for Japanese literature, he added it to the note and searched for other missing assignments. He had five in total. He felt his soul leaving his body.

Three were due this week, the rest were bigger projects they had a whole month to complete. He could do this, there was no point in freaking out and throwing a tantrum. No, he could handle this little bit of pressure. Of course, he could, he was a grown man. He took his planner out and created a plan for this week. After he was finished with that he searched for sheets he could print out to go over with Dazai. He knew Dazai was smart, the way he talked made it only more clear. He used funny words that Chuuya only read in the 19th centuries of novels and he had this air about him that made him seem like he was superior to others. Dazai was someone he found interest in getting to know better.

His eyes fell close at some points and he told himself that he would only lay down for a short break to rest.

He fell asleep and woke up to some pointy object poking his head.

“Stop” He grumbled and woke up. He saw a blurred vision of Dazai; a brown-haired man with bandages around his neck and wrists, his usual light blue dress shirt under his dark blue vest that accentuated his small waist so well along with his beige pants.

He blinked again and saw a coffee cup right in front of his face the person that held it up was none other than Dazai.

“Good Morning sunshine! Slept well?” He grinned. Chuuya snapped the beverage out of his hands and took a sip. “Too sweet ” he added and got up from his seat. He collected all the papers on the table and stuffed them in his backpack.

“So the hat rack had some missing assignments, interesting” Dazai took a sheet, with his essay for French and glanced over it.

“None of your business. You probably can’t even read a single word” Chuuya hissed, holding the coffee in his hand and taking another sip, it still tasted the same. The caffeine was very appreciated.

“Of course, I can. This means” Dazai tried saying the sentence in French but failed horribly, his accent was shameful and he pronounced the letters in the end.

“You’re sh*t at this, give it back here” Chuuya took the paper and read the sentence out loud with perfect pronunciation. He was proud of his French skills and liked to show off, the way Dazai looked impressed inflated his ego even more.

“Wow so you are good at something, I see” Dazai smirked and walked off towards the building where the art class lecture was located.

“What’s that supposed to mean? I am good at plenty of things!”

“These are?” Dazai inquired and glanced behind his shoulders, Chuuya followed him.

“Making photographs, poetry, occasionally baking, learning languages! I am fluent in three and learn now a new one” Chuuya bragged, he caught on to Dazai and walked now next to him.

“I see” Was Dazai’s only answer.

Chuuya expected a comeback on what a nerd he was or that he should show him how good he was at speaking English and French, but the childish brat didn't give in and only left him feeling ashamed. They arrived at the lecture hall and he yanked the door open, students were already seated and all eyes were pointed at the pair. They were late? What how?!? Hands were placed on Chuuya’s back, he snapped out of his haze, and pushed, rather harshly, forwards the seats.

Two spare seats in the back were where the two sat down. Fortunately, the professor brushed off their belatedness, however when the two started bickering about who was at fault, she admonished them both for interrupting and suggested they give the lesson.

Both shook their heads and apologized multiple times. After that, they shut their mouths and exchanged no words.

'It’s still your fault

Was written on a piece of paper in messy handwriting and tossed to Chuuya.

'Just f*cking listen to you, idiot'

He returned in an, even more, messier handwriting.

'Is ChuChu that worried about me not passing?'

Chuuya didn’t wait for any second before ripping the paper into dozens of pieces and letting them fall into the open gap of Dazai’s shirt. He squeaked and held a hand on his neck like someone had slapped them, glaring at Chuuya.

“Don’t ever call me ChuChu!” Chuuya mouthed and returned his attention to the teacher.

“So sunshine is alright but ChuChu is a nogo?” He felt his checks redding at the pet name, but Dazai looked completely serious for once. The name did something strange with his heart.

“I prefer if you would call me simply by my name!” Dazai chuckled when he heard the stutter in Chuuya’s voice but didn't go any further.

The rest of the lecture went fine, today he felt slightly distracted by Dazai. At one point he crafted paper planes and threw them around the room, obviously when the prof turned her back on them, most of them landed in students’ hairs or on their papers. It was fun and carefree until she sighted him throwing one and demanded him to stop. Chuuya had to stifle his laughs at Dazai’s whines and bashful expressions.

“Do you have any classes for today?” Chuuya asked when he left the lecture hall, he checked his phone for any messages but only found a message from his boss.

“No, I don’t. So where were you thinking of doing the deed?” Dazai asked his fingers were under his chin while he thought.

“Don’t call it like that. Just accept the fact you're bad at something” Chuuya snapped and slapped Dazai’s arm. He shrieked and held his arm. The punch wasn’t even that hard! “The library?” Chuuya pondered. He could do some research if he needed some extra help or if he needed evidence for some part. Also, the atmosphere would be ideal to study and get some assignments off the table.

“Off we go!” Dazai took him by the sleeve and dragged him in the wrong direction.

“It’s that way idiot” Chuuya remarked and pointed the other way.

“Off we go again!”

“Do you even understand this yourself? Everything you've told me sounds like you just made that up” Dazai whined after an hour, the two grabbed another coffee to go, this time without sugar for Chuuya’s liking (extra milk and sugar for Dazai which made him internally gag) and now he had to teach a hyper-caffeinated child what Guernica’s importance in history was.

“He used new ways of making art; Slow introductions, different room, and space techniques, he used scenes with rapid but also statical actions, violent scenes, pain, and suffering using destroyed bodies. He used all these new ways and created his most famous piece” Chuuya stumbled over his words and used his hands to gesture to all these facts, trying to portray his thoughts because Dazai was a lost cause, he stared at him with big eyes that seemed to have no thought behind them. If something did not stand in black and white on paper, he could not read it.

“Try to read between the lines. When this was painted and with all the information I gave you” Dazai groaned and slumped onto the desk. He was a lost cause.

In the following days, Chuuya tried to explain to him the simplest things, techniques, symbolism and motives, and hidden meanings. After the first afternoon with Dazai, he tried a different approach, instead of him explaining the picture he tried to make Dazai do the job. He would present him a painting and the other had to analyze it. They would compare Chuuya’s analysis’ with his and talk about where he drifted off from the actual topic and added too much or when he should have gone deeper and more in detail.

“For a literature student, you are sh*tty with words” Chuuya deadpanned after listening to Dazai fumbling over words.

He looked exhausted, he told him he stayed awake at night and listened to the voice messages Chuuya sent him and tried to comprehend them. He claimed it was difficult for him to follow Chuuya's line of thought over text so he called him. It was awkward initially but the weird tension vanished after Chuuya explained his analysis.

“It's unfair you probably took photography in high school! There was no such program when you're homeschooled!” Dazai was exasperated and threw his hands in the air.

“You were homeschooled?” Chuuya inquired and took a sip of his coffee, his legs lay on the unoccupied seat in front of him, Dazai had complained how unfair it was that Chuuya’s legs fit so perfectly but his legs were too long. Chuuya’s answer was a middle finger.

“Yeah. The American school system sucks ass and I told my parents I would rather go bald than attend one. SO homeschooling it was for me” Dazai said and looked for a paper to hold. Chuuya noticed his hands slightly shaking and only hummed and didn't ask any further.

The first week of tutoring paid off after another test, their prof was an interesting case, testing college students but Chuuya didn't mind it was mostly stuff he learned in high school instead of the subjects he had to. He passed as last time with the highest grade, Dazai beamed next to him and giggled ecstatically. He didn't need to urge him to show him his grade because the paper was shoved into his face.

“I passed! I got a 98% on it! We will have to celebrate this victory”

The victory was Dazai buying him his coffee. The two sat in the library because studying for one week wouldn't pay off. For the newest assignment, the two sat together and worked. The “rivalry” was not forgotten but the two brains noticed that it would make more sense that Dazai had even a chance against Chuuya, he didn't want to lose against a loser. So he helped him with the assignment, again analyzing an important piece in history; Las Meninas.

“A piece by Diego Velasquez painted in 1656. Through his painting ‘Las Meninas’ Velasquez has made visible his concept of the complex personality of the King. The visible elements of the painting are meant as signs that point to the nature of the King. In these elements Philipp IV. recognizes himself. Thus “Las Meninas” is a portrait of the King’s individuality, yet in the absence of his visual imagery. The visual elements of the painting are also meant as signs that point to the nature of Velasquez himself.”

“I need a gun” Dazai groaned and smashed his head against the table, many students watched him, and some shushed him. “When I said I wanted to celebrate my test results I didn't mean to finally have a reason to jump off a cliff!” He whined in his annoying voice and Chuuya smacked him with the papers rolled up against the head.

“You need to try! It is not that hard. You just-”

“You just WHAT? Be good at history and using those funny words you use all the time. I CAN’T and I probably never will” He cried against his papers.

“Even if I do research, and learn all historical events that happened at the time, I still can't put those pieces together. It makes no sense to me!” His whines were muffled against the papers and if Chuuya was not high on caffeine he would even call him cute. He patted his head lightly “There there” He muttered, Dazai hurtled up in the air and Chuuya pulled his hand quickly away. Did he do something wrong? Dazai touched his hair where Chuuya's hand was as if it left some stain behind.

“Is everything alright? Did I do something wrong?” Chuuya mumbled and tried to read off of Dazai’s face what he felt, he looked perplexed but his cheeks..was that a blush? He couldn’t ask further nor could Dazai answer him because at that moment someone sat down next to him.

“Chuuya, I need your help. Do you remember that one-” He took his eyes lowly off Dazai and turned around and saw a grave Akutagawa, Gin’s older brother. He wore his usual black attire just like his sibling, with the black coat pants and victorian styled shirt. Akutagawa’s eyes were laid on Dazai who still patted his head and stared into the distance. Chuuya sighed deeply and faced the matter at hand.

“What can I help you with?”

“Uhh yeah, that. Do you remember the guy I told you about?” Chuuya tried to remember but couldn't come up with, which guy his friend talked about.

“You have to be more specific” He smiled apologetically.

“The one in environment. White hair, more on the shorter side who looks like a mailman?” Chuuya was puzzled he had never heard Aku talk about someone like that. He didn't need to because Dazai chose that moment to make himself important.

“Atsushi Nakajima. I have calculus with him. A shy but friendly guy. He always lends me his notes and sends me his assignments! Pretty smart if you ask me” Akutagawa was always rather pale, sunlight didn't do him good but when Chuuya saw the slightest hint of red on his cheeks he had to gulp down the coffee, or else he would have spit it out.

“You have a crush on him?” He asked bewildered, not because he thought it was weird but Aku was for the longest time totally against relationships, he was definitely into men still he wasn't keen on being IN a relationship.

“Sort of”

“So what is the problem? Ask him out” Dazai suggested, he listened attentively and was all ears now. He glanced at Chuuya to see if he agreed, he shrugged his shoulders and looked at his friend.

“But how?” He seemed so overwhelmed with the answer that Chuuya prayed to every existing god to look out for him. He tried not to laugh at Aku’s baffled expression because he knew if he would laugh the man would leave and not answer his messages for weeks. A sensitive man he was!

“I would go up to the person, look them in the eyes perhaps hold their hands” Dazai started and stood up, trudged around the desk and kneeled on one knee, and took carefully Chuuya’s hand in his. He stared deeply into Chuuya’s eyes and he could see how warm and brown Dazai’s eyes were, he spotted a little mole under his lips and how sharp his jawline was. He traced a finger along Chuuya’s palm and he was hyperaware of how warm and soft Daza’s hands were. “And simply ask them ‘Would you like to commit double suicide with me?’”

“Horrible idea. Don’t ask him out like that or you’ll get your ass dumped” Chuuya’s momentary trance was destroyed as soon as Dazai’s voice uttered the word ‘suicide’. He placed his hand square on Dazai’s face and pushed until he fell on his ass, his whining disturbed many students and he was again shushed by them.

“So what IS the best way?” Aku begged, Dazai’s antics didn't affect him in the slightest or he was good at masking.

“Not Dazai's-"

"Hey!"

"We will think of something, right?” Chuuya ignored a pouting Dazai and looked at him who sat again in his seat opposite him.

“Yeah leave it to us!” He beamed and smiled at Chuuya, was that a good choice?

“I don't want to burden you with my problems that's all”

“No we are friends and that’s what friends are for, aren't they?” Chuuya reminded him and ruffled his shaggy hair.

“Yeah yeah I get it, now stop petting me I'm not a cat!” Aku stood up and uttered how grateful he was for their help and excused himself and left.

“I think ‘Las Meninas can wait, right?” Dazai grinned and already folded his papers together.

“No first school then we will play Terrace house!”

“Oh, I love that show!”

Chapter 5: He will never get laid!

Chapter Text

Death was something familiar to Chuuya. No, he had never seen someone dying, breathing their last breath, getting brutally murdered right in front of his eyes, or holding their chest in a tight grip until that little organ, that kept us, humans, alive, stilled. The only death he knew about was his mother’s.

She was a beautiful woman with red wavy hair, blue eyes, and a delicate and angelic smile. She spotted freckles all over her face and she beamed with happiness. The photo album was filled with pictures of her smiling, laughing, and simply living her life to the fullest. People asked her quite often if she was a foreigner due to her uncommon appearance therefore she was proud to say she was Japanese. He knew if she was still alive she would look breathtaking. When he felt alone he sometimes wondered if she would approve of him, as her son and him as a person. Would she be proud of him?

But what could she have been proud of?

Him running an illegal gang with minors who got beaten black and blue? Him escaping from home and coming back with bruises all over his body? Him smoking and drinking from such a young age because he found happiness in drowning himself in substances?
He knew that if he had a mother, any mother, she would be disappointed.

He never connected with people, there was always this invisible barrier between him and others. No matter who he met, it never worked out; he closed himself off, in a pathetic attempt to not hurt or destroy others just as he destroyed himself, and her. When people pushed and reached out first he tumbled back and let his anger get ahead of him.

The range was easier than the hurt and pain he carried around daily.

In school, he was known as the delinquent who beat up kids after school. He attended school with half a mind, but was never mentally there, his thoughts were high up in the sky, aching for something human when everything he felt was emptiness. Students circled him as if he would bite if they stepped any closer. It hurt him even more at first, people distancing themselves from him or simply fearing him, it affirmed that he was something to be scared of, not like the rest.

His grades were foolproof. He never failed a single class, although he rarely spoke up he was one of the students at the top of his class. Group projects were horrible, when people feared you from far away how cruel can they be from up close?

Teachers never reached out to question him about his reputation or his injured appearance. They merely glanced at him throughout lessons and even less spoke to him. The school was his living hell and he went through that hell five times a week.

Rumors were spread when he came back to school with his sensor. An object that reminded him who he was; an illness. Nothing else.

He fainted for the first time in middle school. All his classmates screamed and almost trampled him because of their massive shock. One finger was broken when a student misstepped and hit it, Chuuya didn’t feel any pain he was unconscious. When he woke up the school nurse patted his hand lightly and asked for his parent's cell phone number. He burst out in tears because he didn’t have any! He never had a normal childhood and would never be a normal child! He was that little criminal who was too weak to defend himself and earned himself injuries for that. He cried until his siblings arrived, only teenagers at the time.

Between alleyways and behind houses he found what he lacked in school, not courage but his potential. His gang earned an advantage with him being the leader, no one dared to cross their territory or else they would be crushed by Chuuya’s presence and even worse his fist. While fighting and punching men twice his size might seem mental to some, it was his way of living. Whenever he held someone to the ground the person beneath him begging to have mercy on them he felt powerful, this power thrummed through his veins and latched out on top of his fingertips. He felt alive and could show himself to the world without the premise of some stupid illness within him. To his foes his illness didn’t matter, they fought him like there was no tomorrow.

Kouyou was sixteen and Paul was almost an adult when he was diagnosed with diabetes, his mother passed it to him. Kouyou stomached the news surprisingly well, she started a new side job and was able to pay the hospital bills along with his treatment. Paul didn’t face him for days after the doctor broke the news, he avoided him for weeks. Chuuya banged against his door, screaming to open up the door but he received no answer. One day he entered Chuuya’s room, looking as fabulous as he always did, and apologized. Chuuya never forgave him, how could he? Paul spent his days in his room, probably thinking, while Chuuya was out fighting the rage that he was too scared to let go of at home. On the days he needed someone so terribly no one was there for him.

At least his mother and he had one thing in common. He found hope in the illness, an eerie idea some might think, sadly it was what gave Chuuya aspiration to move on.

She had lived a short life but a beautiful life. The photo albums from her were loaded with her photographies; she had traveled to Paris and taken a photo of the Eiffel Tower, a picture of her friends happily drunk in a low dimmed bar, a picture that struck him right away and his personal favorite was her in front of a mirror holding the camera in front of her chest and smiling brightly. It felt so young and alive to see the person he so dearly missed but never met being so carelessly cheerful. He aspired to know more about her.

He asked Paul, the oldest of the three, what she was like. His brother stared off into the distance, behind his eyes danced memories of long forgotten moments and he smiled lightly and shook his head to rid them. He told him about her passion for photography, and her desire to treasure every moment as if it was her last. He asked Paul if she knew she would die soon and Paul answered honestly, his gaze felt indescribable and empty.

“I don't know, Chuuya” He returned to write down in his notebook he kept around and the conversation was done, not for Chuuya, his heart ached to know more about her. What did she see through the lens? A path out of reality? A distraction from her suffering health? Or simply just a hobby?

Thus he chose to spend his money instead on his next treatment for a new camera. It was a common camera, nothing was amiss or unique. He took many pictures, everywhere something caught his eye he had to take a photo.

What started as a curiosity to understand his mother turned into his passion. He spent every wake second improving his skills, setting up projects, anything only to be closer to her. He didn't care how long it was going to take him to understand her if he had to search his whole life or even after death. He was sure of that.

Who knows, maybe he understood his mother’s love for photography when he saw an ice skater at the Grand Prix all those years ago?

--

Dazai was not a big fan of studying, remembering facts or dates came so easy to him, but sitting down with the determination to study was beyond him. It all smushed together complete nonsense for his brain to comprehend and he could reread a sentence dozen of times or listen to Chuuya’s voice messages more times than necessary, in the end, he gave up. Something not being perfect at the first try was stressful and new for him, everything he had tried out was flawless on the first try, so analysis of stupid and pretentious art pieces he messed up for god knows which time, made him feel miserable. Why was Chuuya so good at it but he wasn't? What a cruel world they lived in. At the thought of Chuuya, he opened their chat and played the most recent voice message again. The ‘Arnolfini Portrait’ was disgustingly ugly, why would any woman wed such a horrendous-looking man?

‘He probably never washed his ass crack’ They texted Chuuya. Another addition to his life, texting Chuuya. In the beginning, Chuuya barely responded it took them spamming his phone with weird cat pictures that he finally answered. Chuuya’s rage wasn’t as voluminous or fuming than in person but still entertaining nonetheless, even better when he recorded voice messages and was cut off due to his finger moving from the button. When he felt bold enough they would send him doodles of little dogs with a choker engraved with Chuuya’s name on it. Dazai had chimed that the drawing looked just like Chuuya, he was blocked for many hours.

‘Kys’ Chuuya responded only a few minutes after they sent him their pressing complaints about the stupid wedding painting that required an immediate response. What he would give to see Chuuya’s face now!

Dazai was very particular with what art style or epoche he enjoyed and which he disapproved of. Northern Renaissance was not one of his preferred ones and he would tell anyone who would listen to him. Chuuya was a sucker for every epoche he had learned in the first days of tutoring, he was able to find in any piece something he adored. Even Whistler’s 'Nocturne In Black And Gold'. His eyes shone with a fond gleam and he stared at the painting for ten whole minutes in SILENCE. Dazai was worried that he fell ill all of a sudden, Chuuya and speechless? These two words didn’t belong in one sentence!
Making fun or openly hating a piece brought out Chuuya’s short temper in the most exquisite way possible and Dazai bathed in that momentary attention like the selfish person they were.

After countless attempts at bribing Chuuya into calling in hope that he would explain to him the meaning behind this painting and bla bla bla, it all was white noises to him, he was just happy to hear Chuuya’s voice. So when he picked up after the third beep and heard the hatrack huffing in annoyance he was immediately in a light mood and smiled lightly even if Chuuya was not around to witness it.

“So where lies the problem, bastard?” His voice sounded rough through the speaker and it filled Dazai with shameful giddiness. He started ranting about how atrocious the painting was and Chuuya listened attentively and hummed to let them know he was still there.
“So in conclusion you just wanted to tell me how much you hate this piece?” Chuuya breathed out a tired sigh.

“Exactly! I also wanted to bring up the Terrace House situation”

“Aku pesters me every day with it. I didn't expect our help to be so necessary to him” Chuyya confessed silently.

Dazai met Ryunosuke Aktuagawa that day in the library for the first time. A man clad fully in black and looking like he was on his way for a vampire feast. His dark eyes reminded him of his past self, alarm bells rang at the sight, telling him to distance himself and run. He didn’t want to be associated with his past self and to see someone so resembling his teenage self frightened him. On the other hand, he was a close friend of Chuuya’s if not even his oldest friend. To ruin someone's friendship only because he was scared of Akutagwa was a low blow, even for Dazai. Chuuya was, what was he even to him? A friend? Classmate? Acquaintance? He wasn’t sure where they exactly stood and some part of him didn’t mind, he was grateful for every second he spent with Chuuya, even if it meant losing brain cells over stupid artworks. Chuuya told him after Akutgawa left that they met in his last years of high school, while Chuuya was his senior he befriended the lonely and sickly boy quickly, just like his sibling Gin. Was it even possible, to break the deep trust that had thickened over so many years of being friends?

They brainstormed, and it was completely silent on both ends of the call. Dazai tried to come up with something, but their brain was void of any thought. If the roles were reversed, he would simply talk to his crush and ask them out, for Akutagawa this seemed to be the difficult part. It was not the How but What.

What was he going to talk about with his crush?

Chuuya clicked his tongue in annoyance that Dazai could relate to very well.

“He could talk about…the weather?”

Calculus was as exhausting as ever, it was still his best class! Received high grades without even trying. It drove Kunikida insane who had studied for weeks and got a lower grade than Dazai, still good but not ideal. The pen Kunikida so cherished was close to snapping in half, his usual glare was deepened and he looked thirty years older.

“Kunikida stop glooming or you will be gray in your twenties!”

“Shut up or I’ll shove your papers down your throat!”

“Oh, I didn't take you for the kinky kind. I like that in men” He added a wink for the fact he knew that Kunikida was going to strangle him either way, if he kept quiet Kunikida would have done the deed purely out of contempt.

“You good for nothing, I should have-”

“Dazai, look!” Atsushi beamed at the sight of his grade and showed it to Dazai, completely unaware of the tension between them. The tiger-obsessed man was a beam of sunshine, that he met on his first day.

Although Ranpo had shown him where his lecture halls were he didn’t find them, he spotted a man with a rather choppy haircut and dressed too formally for college. When he approached him they noticed him looking a bit lost, anxiously holding notebooks and his eyes roamed over students passing by. Dazai asked him if he knew where his class was and surprisingly he shared the same class with him. Atsushi Nakajima was his name and he was an environment major. During their walk, he had told them about his classes, his friends, and his family. Atsushi mentioned how happy he was to share a class with someone as cool as Dazai. The thought that people saw him as cool urged him to pinch his arm, was this a dream? Osamu Dazai was cool?

He didn't have the chance to question Atsushi’s choices because the man cheerfully went on with his life. He was an amusing guy, discovered Dazai. In Calculus the two sat down together and Atsushi was the one who introduced him to the ever stoic Kunikida.

“If he tried to get everything ideal in his life he will never get laid” Dazai admitted after he left the class, feeling the few hours of sleep deep in his bones weighing him down and the energy that took him to harass Kunikida.

“Yeah, sometimes I get worried he would never be content with what he has. Having ideals is fine but trying to achieve something ideal and throwing worthy opportunities away only because they are not this specifically ‘ideal’, seems like a lot to me” Atsushi quaked, he bit his nails unconsciously an anxious habit Dazai had noticed. “Sorry, that was not…I hope that was not too much”

“There is no need to apologize. You deeply care about your friend and I think it’s right to show how much you care” Dazai reassured him and ruffled his soft gray hair. Atsushi sighed and slumped his shoulders, he over apologized many times before for minor things, mostly when he spoke about his interests or his friends. It was an endearing sight, to see how much someone cared without shame.

“Maybe we should go out for drinks this weekend to get him loosened up a bit,” Atsushi suggested and stopped right in front of the library doors, staring off in deep thought.

“That is a great idea” Dazai replied, he would have blackmail material of Kunikida being black-out drunk if he needed answers for assignments that Kunikida kept from him despite his whines and begs.

“I’ll text you the time and place. See ya!”

“I am invited?” Dazai pondered, judging by Atushi’s confused stare he asked his question out loud.

“Of course, you're our friend!” Oh.

“Of course. Well…See ya around” Something warm filled his chest and he caught himself smiling when he passed a door with his reflection in it. Osamu Dazai had friends. He had friends. He was awestruck, so much that he forgot to introduce Atsushi to his and Chuuya’s first step of the plan. That can wait for later, now he had literature.

Despite Dazai and Oda being friends, the two recommend each other books in a weekly meeting, but he never met Oda’s partner. He second-guessed Fyodor’s bold statement because this partner of his was nowhere to be seen, they were a professor themself, law to be specific. He imagined a tall strict woman, with a bun and those weird pencil skirts or whatever they were called. No wait, that was very likely not Oda’s type. He was laid back and calm, a corresponding partner would be only possible. Someone dedicated to their job, smart and a family person, living with five children can be taxing so a patient partner must be!

Again they read extracts and works from old Japanese authors, today’s author was Fumiko Enchi, and her book ‘The waiting years’. Dazai had heard about it, and Yosano had recommended the book quite a while ago. Won prizes for its penetrating studies of female psychology. Oda introduced the book and the author and again Dazai remembered why he chose that major.

He was never good with words, stuttered a lot, and mumbled over his words when he was younger. During his teenage years, he started to form an anxiety disorder, and from there on speaking was a difficult task for them. If it weren’t for society's norm to talk, he would have stopped talking a while ago. Then again writing came so easy to him, creating universes with fascinating landscapes and even more brilliant characters in them or a simple story of a simple nobody becoming the person they had always longed for to be. Whenever he had free time he wrote, whatever came into his mind, through his hands these thoughts were printed on paper. Oda’s lessons reminded him of this passion.

“Dazai, you good?” He dragged his eyes away from Oda and glanced at Fyodor next to him. He was texting someone on his phone, smiling at the newest response even going that far to stifle a chuckle behind his hand, something that made Dazai uncontrollably shiver uneasily; Fyodor being genuine at anything, he was rather closed off and a cunning man, to an extent even cold with a friendly appearance. When his eyes found Dazai’s he seemed for once genuine even if his eyes were bloodshot. Oh, that was why he for once showed any sort of emotion; he was f*cking high. He assumed correctly when Fyodor sighed deeply and chuckled again! Without covering his mouth.

“I think I need the drinks today” He texted Atsushi under the table. Fyodor giggled as if he read the message himself.

“PLEASE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE”

When he arrived at the address Atsushi had texted him earlier, he assumed a calm and relaxing bar, not a club. He looked like his usual self, with the bandages and academia outfit, he was missing his oxfords because he prefers to not go home with bleeding feet, so he chose some stylish black sneakers. When he deemed his outfit adequate he took the bus to the location. A long row of people stood at the entrance, blocking Dazai’s view of the whole club. Most of them were students he noticed from crossing paths in college, some even went that far and greeted him in response he answered with a short nod. He didn’t even remember half these people but smiled politely nonetheless.

Atsushi stood right in front of the entrance, where two tall and muscular men played security. Atsushi beamed at him when he noticed Dazai approaching, Kunikida stood next to him, and with his grim face he stood out next to the excited cheers of students.

“You’re late, Dazai” Kunikida remarked and settled his glasses on top of his face, pulling his lips in a thin line, his nose crinkled in disgust whenever the door opened with drunk and breathless people storming outside. This club might not be on his list of 'ideal places'.

“It is alright! We can go in right now. I know the owner and they allowed me to use their name for exclusive service” Atsushi strutted with the most confident smile Dazai had ever seen, making Kunikida groan in frustration, did the man even know what fun was like? The guards let them smoothly in front of everyone’s eyes after Atsushi only said the name ‘Sigma’.

The club was spacious, with a big dance floor occupied by many drunk people, a vibrant light show flickered through the room making Dazai briefly dizzy. Atsushi made a beeline for the bar and the two others followed suit. Three bar stools were unoccupied and he let himself flop carelessly in one of them, ordering a whisky for two while Atsushi ordered a Gimlet.

“Why are we here?” Kunikida asked after precious seconds of silence between the three.

“To have fun!” Atsushi threw his arms in the air, smiling brightly and taking another sip of his drink.

“This is not fun” Kunikida dryly responded, he had not touched his drink since the bartender handed him the drink with a wink, and the man completely ignored it.

“What do you do to have fun? Don’t tell me you read math books for fun” Dazai joked, sipping delightedly from his whiskey, smiling at the warm sensation it left in his throat.

"Of course not, I do-”

“Okay stop! This is not what we’re here for. So here’s my plan: Shots, dancing. Another round of shots and then we can talk about Kunikidas boring life!” Atsushi shouted over the loud music.

“Sounds wonderful to me!” Dazai clapped his hands together, ignoring Kunikida’s complaints and threats, and ordered a round for the three. One round turned into three when a bachelor party group appeared next to them. Foreigners who didn't speak the language, Kunikida the ever polite man ordered for them was bribed into drinking with them.

“DRINK. DRINK. DRINK” They shouted and downed the first round. The wild men cheered Kunikida on and with every shot he took, he started to smile and laugh, his cheeks were slightly red and his hair tousled, he started swaying to the music and was taken away by one of the men to the dance floor. Dazai stayed behind and watched the weirdly amusing dance battle with the biggest smile on his face, he couldn’t remember having so much fun before. A few people passed by, stopped and talked with him, or openly flirted with him. He amused them with his charming smile and flirty words, he drank more alcohol than he could pay, thanks to the desperate people buying them for him. One guy even went that far and asked them for a hookup, he politely declined and the guy was gone. What a man.

After an hour their friend came back, sweating and out of breath. He smiled at Dazai, because Atsushi rushed to the toilet after the second shot, mumbling something about having a sensitive stomach.

“Why are you standing here? Come on, dance” And how they did. Dancing was not a strength of Dazai’s, but no one would judge him in a club full of drunk people. Loud and electronic music was playing and Dazai just let the music lead them. At some point, a girl started grinding against their front and he indulged her, held her hips, and swayed with her. She dragged him off the dance floor and pinned herself against a wall, holding them by the hips close to hers and looking at him expectantly, her lips were parted. What was he supposed to…oh oh.

“I am sorry love, but I am not into that” They whispered into her ear, what he hoped was a whisper the music was echoing in his ears and he couldn't hear himself. She looked appalled and slapped them on the cheek and ran off. Dazai touched his hot and red cheek and chose that moment to excuse himself to the toilet.

He closed the door behind him, the music only background music for the moment. The toilet was a horrible choice to stay in, it smelled like sh*t, piss and vomit together, he felt bile rising but tried to keep it in. Their reflection looked horrible, his eyebags were many shades darker than most of the time, and his hair was ruined not as he had styled it but his hair-that-looks-like-it-needs-to-be-washed-but-looks-okay-for-now hairstyle was ruined damn that touchy girl running her slimy finger through it, their stupid goofy smile was still on his face. He tried to frown but it was still there as if it was glued on. Dazai’s attempts at removing their smile were interrupted by a quiet muffled sob, they stopped in their movements and glanced around, and approached the closed door.

“Are you okay in there?” They knocked on the door softly and heard someone stifling their noises.

“I…I am okay” Someone slurred, that voice was familiar. It was Atsushi, if he thought about it now, the man was gone since Kunikida took over the dance floor and never returned. He sighed and knocked again.

“Atsushi” The voice behind the door whimpered. “It's me Dazai”

The door was flung open and out tumbled a teary Atsushi embracing Dazai in a crushing hug. They patted his back after a moment of shock.

“You want to tell me why you hid in here?”

“No. Yes but no” Atsushi was slightly shaking but nodded nonetheless. Dazai was the first to pull away and moved the crying man over to the sink, wetting a tissue and cleaning his face off of any leftover tears to calm him down.

“Take all the time you need. I wanted to hide in here anyways. I think this one group of girls is after me, not in a good way” That brought a smile to Atushi's lips, and Dazai bathed in that little victory for now.

“It’s about my crush” Oh that was going to be interesting. Atsushi grabbed another tissue and tore little pieces off, he pondered for a short moment and began “ I don't share a class with him but a friend of his. Through her, I met him, started talking to him, and got to know him. We met often, it was us two or more when his friends or sibling tagged along and I began enjoying his presence more and more. He made me realize a lot about myself, that I never knew how to put into words. He seemed so cold at first but when he opened up to me I knew I was in love” Atsushi stared off, his eyes shone with pure affection and he unconsciously smiled fondly. “He is so caring but tough at the same time, I didn't understand him and thought it was good to keep myself at a distance, but he came back to me every single time. He simply crashed into my world and turned it upside down” Unshead tears lingered in Atsushi’s big eyes, Dazai felt the urge to swipe them away, exactly how he did it with his siblings but was scared that Atsushi would stop opening up to him.

“Sorry this was not how I wanted this night to go down”

“What was your initial plan?”

“I wanted to distract myself because I was scared. I thought he felt the same way but he stopped messaging me, he ignored me whenever I tried to talk to him, said he had urgent places to be” The tears were rolling down his cheeks and Dazai couldn’t stop themself and swiped them softly away. “But when I kissed a guy, right here” He pointed to the toilet he was in where Dazai found him. “It all felt so wrong and fake. I wanted to kiss the man but it felt so untruthful and horribly fake that I started crying and he left. Just like Akutagawa” Dazai gaped, so it was mutual between the two. He never felt that guilty to be happy, but they needed to keep his cool now and comfort his friend. He opened his arms, a silent question for another hug, and Atsushi nodded and embraced them again.

“Have you texted him?”

“Yes but he doesn't answer his phone. I called, texted, and even texted his sibling. I am so pathetic I don't even want to know what you think of me right now. I wanted to ask him out so often but the moment we were alone never felt right and he excused himself and was gone before I had the chance to ask! ” Atsushi drooled on their shoulder and the tears sunk through their dress shirt.

“I think I can help you” Atsushi pushed himself out of the hug and stared at Dazai as if he had grown a second head.

“You would do that for me?”

“I thought we were friends and friends help each other. That’s what friends are for, right?” Dazai remembered Chuuya saying the same to Akutagawa and thought it would have the same effect on Atsushi, it did. The man smiled hopefully for the first time since Dazai entered the bathroom. Atsushi nodded enthusiastically and handed Dazai his phone, they declined and pulled their own out of their pocket. He knew just what to do.

“What do you need, bastard” After two beeps Chuuya picked up and Dazai hoped that his little plan would work out, it needed to or else he would start to cry himself out of embarrassment.

“Can you send me Akutagawa’s number?”

“You can tell him directly whatever you wanted to, he sits right next to me” Dazai thanked every existing god out there and urged Chuuya to hand over his phone to his companion.

“Is something the matter, Dazai?” Oh, Akutagawa was going to lose it! Atsushi stood next to them and squealed when heard Akutagawa's voice.

“I have someone who wants to speak to you” That was the only warning he received from Dazai, whatever response Akutagawa said was lost when he handed his phone to a restless Atsushi. He breathed in before placing the phone in his ear.

“Hey Aku, it is me Atsushi” He exhaled and bit his smile from becoming bigger, what a sight. Was that what love looked like?

“Please don't hang up I really need to tell you something and I am still drunk and I don't think I can do that when I’m sober”

A quiet pause.

Atsushi closed his eyes and braced himself for his confession.

“I love you. I love you Aku since the day at the river, you remember what you told me?” he nodded at the answer he received from his lover. “I was scared to tell you this, you ran away whenever I tried to talk to you and I thought I read your signs wrong. I am so sorry” He bit his nails and listened to what Akutagawa said.

Dazai anticipated Akutagawa confessing too but him bringing Atsushi to tears was not expected, they held out their arms to comfort him again, then he started laughing heartily.

“We are really stupid, aren't we?” They offered Atsushi another tissue he gladly took and swiped his tears away.

“Where are you right now? Can I come to see you? Please?” he hastily nodded and hung up after a few more shared love promises and gave the phone back.

“I assume it went well?” They raised an eyebrow at the grinning man who now blushed and giggled. That was the Atsushi he remembered.

“Shut up” It held no malice only adoration if Dazai wasn't still under the influence of alcohol he would have made fun of him, now they only smiled and lead the love-struck man out of the toilet.

Both jerked when the music was blasting on full volume, too engrossed in their little bubble in the toilet, and unconsciously scooted together, holding each other by the arm, and trudged through the masses of people. The size of the crowd doubled in the time they were in the bathroom and it was harder to fight their way back to the bar. Kunikida sat there, with a woman crying. She was crying? As they neared the duo they overheard the woman sobbing about a breakup, Kunikida’s hand was placed on her back rubbing comforting circles. He turned to them mouthing 'Help me'. If Dazai felt more like themself they would have left him here, but he had mercy with him and sprouted a pretty lie that they had to leave now.

After Kunikida was freed of the woman’s claws the trio stepped outside and breathe in the night air, crispy and refreshing in their lungs after hours in the stiffy club. The two told Kunikida about the plan and started walking.

“Do you even know where Chuuya lives?” Dazai questioned after five minutes of walking Yokohama’s streets. Akutagawa was at Chuuya’s and waited for them there.

“Yes I once had to bring his roommate something for a class” Although this was the truth Atsushi promised, they got lost many times, taking wrong turns or simply walking in the wrong direction. Walking home drunk wasn't a good idea.

“We should have called a cab”

“We’re here” Atsushi cheered and ran towards the man waiting in front of the door, as always Akutagawa was clad in black from head to toe. Atsushi hurled himself at his partner, who spun him around. Kunikida warned them of the possibility of Atsushi puking from the amount of alcohol he drank. The two lovebirds didn't listen, they were too occupied eating each other faces at the moment. Kunikida called it a night and bid Dazai goodbye, he asked him if he was stable enough but Kunikida reassured him of his safety, thanked him earnestly for the night, and left.

Dazai watched the two with adoration, oh to have what they have.

Behind him appeared a well-known presence. Strong and fiery eyes glared at him but they didn't hold any malice. Chuuya smirked at him, leaning against the apartment door, he came nearer to Dazai and followed his gaze to the two still holding each other.

“I assume you got sh*tfaced” Chuuya didn't look at him, still watching the two giggling men.

“What gives it away?” Dazai inquired looking at Chuuya, he for once looked weirdly comfortable, in his sweatpants and creeper shirt. What a cute sight. No wait, Chuuya and cute? Was that even possible? It must be the alcohol messing with his head, yes it definitely was!

“You f*cking stink” Chuuya laughed airly, a beautiful sound to Dazai’s ears, wait no! He only thought it was ‘nice’ because his ears were getting used to loud bass in his ears hours ago and hearing something quiet, adorable, and sweet was just the aftermath of that. Oh no!

“In the end, we didn't have to do much match-making huh” Chuuya whispered and held out his fist. Dazai fist-bumped him and smiled tiredly.

“You should go to sleep. It’s getting late” he patted them on the back and he almost stumbled over the harsh slaps, maybe they weren’t that rough but it still made him nearly fall over his feet.

“I know thanks mom for reminding me. Can I get a good night kiss?” He puckered his lips and leaned down to be at Chuuya’s height. He snickered and flickered Dazai’s nose. What a rude man that Chuuya was! He whined and rubbed his nose in fake hurt.

“Go or I’ll drag you home by your collar” Chuuya walked back into his apartment.

“That would be very attractive of you”

“Oh shut up you stupid mackerel”

“Mackerel?” Dazai questioned

“Yes, now good night! Text me when you get home!”

“Chuuya! I had no idea you were a nice person!”

“It’s my way of saying go to hell, mackerel!” Chuuya waved and closed the door behind him.

--

Hours later when no kids were woken up by their older sibling arriving drunk at home and throwing every possible object on the ground, Dazai texted Chuuya.

'I made it home safe but not sound'

In addition was a picture of Dogra for proof. Obviously.

Chapter 6: Mario Kart type of nights

Chapter Text

Today was the worst day of his life.

Not only did he turn 18 but it was his mother's death anniversary.

He was an adult now and never felt less alone. His brother abandoned them three years ago, leaving behind a gaping hole in the family and Chuuya's heart.

His last words were cruel and cold, like he always was with Chuuya, in hope of building the confidence he wished to have for himself.

“I’m sorry Chuuya. But you’re too much”

His voice echoed in his ears when he heard these words, repeating in his brain like a mantra. He had tried to fight him, his words, his whole being. How could he say something so harmful and hurting to his brother he so protected? How can he be so cruel?

Kouyou had to interfere, or else Paul would have not gone out without being seriously harmed by Chuuya. He lunged after him, punched him in the guts, and felt how Paul tried to escape his grasp but he didn’t relent, he only went further. He screamed after him, calling him awfully bad names and wishing his death upon him. He shouted until his vocal cords hurt and his eyes stung with tears. This was the first time he wished to die.

It was too much, he couldn’t do it, to live on like everything was alright. First, his mother died, and then his brother, the only parental figure he had, left him.

That night he couldn’t sleep. He roamed the streets in the Sheep's territory and punched every single soul that stood in his way in the hope to release all of his anger and frustration, ally or enemy, it didn’t matter to him. He broke one rib and his left hand during this night and went home crying like a little child. Drank himself into oblivion, until everything swayed and turned in his body, he may have thrown up but what he did felt like a fever dream to him afterward. He only remembered picking up the expensive wine his brother cherished, smashing it against the ground, and drank half a bottle or more.

He thought Paul’s absence hurt like hell, but nothing could have prepared him for the pain he felt when his friends were arrested right in front of his eyes, taken away to god knows where.

Everything happened in slow motion.

His friends and he drank, not like usual where they shared a drink or two, no he was drunk, slurring his words, and walking came difficult for them. He was laughing and joking when they came across a group of people, of course, they picked a fight. He fought like he usually did, with Shirase by his side and Yuan for backup. Sirens clanged through the night like gunshots. He froze in motion, his eyes stared in the direction where a car pulled up, his opponent punched him hard in the face, his cheek burned painfully and he already felt the imprints of the bastard's knuckles on his face. Before he could fight back, he was pulled violently by his collar, hitting a trash can with his back, he gasped at the harsh contact and his vision swam with multiple copies of his friends. His friend approached him carefully and heaved him up by his shoulders, the pain was numb, he fell like a deadweight against the wall, and next to him was a car obscuring him from the approaching men.

“Stay quiet. We’ll be right back okay?”
He nodded painfully slow

“Where are you-“ His words slurred and he tasted blood, the nasty iron taste made him nauseous.

“Shh! Wait here”

And she was gone. These were the last words she had spoken to him. He saw from the corner of his vision policemen approaching, without many words traded did they handcuff his two friends, Shirase stared back at him, smiling fondly and winked.

No, they can’t do that.

No, why were they doing that?

They can’t leave him?

Where were they going?

They needed his help.

NO!

He attempted screaming but his voice was too hoarse and ruined, his mouth was in massive pain and he couldn’t even part his lips. He screamed silently his lungs out, without much breath left did he try to help his friends. His heart rushed in his chest and felt like it shattered into millions of pieces, he never felt so betrayed and hurt before.

Nothing made sense to him. Why did the people that mean so much to him have to leave?

He held onto the back of the car, heaving himself in the air but bit down on his hand to keep in the painful cry that wanted to escape his mouth. Chuuya lay there hidden by the car for hours, he didn’t know how Kouyou found him but she did.

“Why did you do that?”

She asked him while cleaning his wounds; his rib was bandaged, a stab wound he didn’t notice was cleaned and stitched, his wound on his cheek was covered with a bandaid and his open gash on his lips was treated with some ointment. His eyes didn’t meet hers, he felt ashamed and shattered, not only because of the fight it was when he was needed the most did he have to disappoint his friends and make them suffer from his doings. They never wanted to go that far with gang actions; it was his fault all along.

He felt like sh*t.

“I couldn’t even say goodbye” It didn’t matter who he talked about, whether it was his mother, his brother or Yuan, and Shirase. All his people, the people who made him feel like himself, human, were gone.

“To who?”

“Everyone” His lips trembled and he started crying again. Kouyou sat next to him, watching him sob into his palms and scream insults at the world and most importantly himself.

How much he hated himself at that moment was impossible to put into words.

He could have saved Yuan and Shirase from the police.

He could have been a better brother for Paul to stay with.

He could have been a better son for his mother if he had just died and not her.

Why did she have to pay for his life with her own?

He didn’t ask to be born, he just wanted to die, disappear into nothingness not existing, and be free of this stupid guilt he felt whenever he opened his eyes in the morning, spend a day with his family that would have been more complete and whole with his mother or when he had momentarily fun with his friends.

“Why did I survive but not her?”

He felt like a child, a little toddler that didn’t understand the world because he simply didn’t know. He felt like an alien in his skin, a stranger to himself. Answers that were impossible to ask his sister, she didn’t know them herself but any answer she could give would break him even more. How could something broken be repaired by a few words?

“Chuuya, she was sick and knew that. But she allowed you to live the life she never had the chance to.”

It made him tremble in antagonizing pain, why was she so sure of herself? So sure that he would take the opportunity instead of throwing it away? It didn’t make sense to him. He was a disappointment.

“It’s too much”

He begged her for any answer she would give him, he needed them more than anything at the moment. He never received an answer, but something more precious than any spoken words. Kouyou slowly pulled his hands away from his face, rubbing slow circles around his wrists. She gazed at him as if he was something worth looking at, her gaze held so much love and comfort that he was scared he might melt under it. She embraced him in her warm arms, he sat motionless on his bed, hands held closely by his chest trying not to disturb the sensitive atmosphere in the air.

“You’re safe Chuuya. You can cry as much as you need to. I’m here with you, that’s what matters right now”

He thought he had no tears left to cry, but in his eyes water built up and flowed down his cheeks softly and burning like fire. He gulped down a sob but embraced his sister tightly, he melted into the hug, feeling her hands trace idly on his back in soothing patterns and he buried his face in the crock of her neck. He never knew his sister could be like this, he appreciated everything and repeated the comforting words she whispered into the dark room like a toddler that learned how to speak. The words never registered in his brain; he dumbly repeated them to calm down.

It took him months, years to move on. Not to forgive or forget, that was impossible for him. His birthday was a mark in the calendar that felt wrong, amiss, and offended him more than any taunt could. Today was his 18th birthday, he was an adult. Kouyou’s present was a new camera, he cherished it heartily and ate the birthday cake his sister made specifically for him. This was the third birthday without Paul, he assumed he would miss him more on this day the three had celebrated together before he left. Surprisingly he couldn’t find it in himself to miss Paul, he was no longer his brother he was simply Paul.

With some spare savings he bought a motorcycle for himself, it was secondhand from a neighbor down the street. It was dark pink and suited him perfectly. The first ride he took led him to the cemetery. Every birthday he had was also a visit to his mother, Kouyou never came along, it was his special day and he wanted to spend some alone time with his mom.

“Some sh*t happened. You will never believe what” He sat down in front of the grave, in the tombstone her name was engraved and he traced them after with his fingertips. He sat there in the late April sun for the whole afternoon, telling her about his life.

The school was still sh*t but he had a little friend group now, consisting of Higuchi, Tachihara, and the Akutagawa’s. All of them were a year under him, he didn’t mind that. They were the only ones who didn’t judge him for who he was. They accepted him like an equal.

He worked part-time in Kouyou’s little boutique downtown and forgot his stupid and complicated life for the hours he spent there. He was mostly used for the photo shootings, he took photos of models and the shop.

He also told her about the ice skater. It was four years ago, he had told her the story many times before but he couldn’t shake off the goosebumps he got whenever he thought about them. A beauty so unbearably cold and achingly fragile. The movements were as sharp as cut with a knife and perfect, it left him speechless. Kouyou claimed he had mumbled something about seeing the prettiest person ever. What was a lie! He had never said anything like that!

Something in that empty and void gaze resembled him, the song was horribly beautiful. It almost brought him to tears, the ice skater portrayed a story and he could only sit back to listen and stare.

“I’m sorry you’ve heard the story so often I think I’m boring you” He apologized and chuckled.

“I’m starting uni soon. My fifteen-year-old self would have never thought about making it past sixteen. I’m a bit proud of myself” He joked and took a sip of wine, her favorite. “I hope you are proud too”

--

“A group project. Why a group project?”

Dazai whined next to Chuuya. The two sat together in class, it was a silent truce between the two that they did it made much sense that they did because they studied together for most assignments and tests, so said Dazai. Chuuya wasn’t sure if it was a good idea, given how noisy the bastard was most of the time, to be seated right next to him. He saw it as a challenge to keep his good grades while having a menace like Dazai next to him.

After a handful of weeks of tutoring and studying together they fell into a routine, they had the lectures, a coffee together studied their asses off for the rest of the day, and went home tired and strung out from it all.

Dazai was pleasant company when they didn’t think it was best to doodle all over his notes or arms. His sister had questioned his newest tattoos and he scoffed at the little dog drawings adorning his hands. When did Dazai have the time to do that? He never noticed when the idiot started growing bored and thought about making Chuuya his canvas.

Another new addition was Akutagawa and his new boyfriend Atsushi. He would lie if he said he didn’t find them adorable together. His friend smiled more often and was more talkative, something he had always struggled with. The two fit weirdly together, Aku with his vampire and Victorian attire and Atsushi with his soft clothes and smiles. The four sat in the library most of the time, the couple on one side at the table and him and Dazai on the other. The latter finished most of their studies while the lovebirds used that time to kiss and look at each other lovingly. On some occasions, a friend of Dazai’s joined them too, Kunikida.

Chuuya's first impression of him was that he had a stick up his ass, with his long perfectly styled hair and strict manners. He had even instructed Chuuya with some of his studies, he drew the line there and threatened him with a punch in the face to which the man shut his mouth and quietly moved on. Dazai had grinned his gleeful smile at the interaction like the bastard he was, he enjoyed seeing Chuuya fuming he had noticed while being at Dazai’s side for some time now.

The words ‘group project’ had not yet registered fully in Chuuya’s brain. The mackerel next to him whined about having the worst day of his life and praying to god about forgiving his sins.

“What’s so wrong with group projects?” Chuuya inquired and took a sip of his expensive coffee, which Dazai had paid for, they switched to pay for food and drinks and relinquished the bitter taste.

“What’s wrong you ask? I have a list full of reasons! Number one: One partner always gets the sh*tty job and has to do everything. Number two: the atmosphere is way too uncomfortable and icky and I’d rather just work alone! Number three: I can do the project on my own better than with some stupid incel here”

Chuuya chuckled at his friend’s complaints, because yes they were friends. A weird friendship blossomed between them, but they got over the weird get-to-know stage and knew each other quite well. Dazai whined at Chuuya for not taking them seriously and huffed in fake anger, a weird show the other pulled off, and crossed his arms.

“You know we are partners right?” He smirked over the cup's edge at Dazai’s baffled face, ah what a sight to behold.

“That’s great! I thought I’d be paired with someone stupid but I have you!” Dazai grinned, infuriated, and chuckled at Chuuya’s irritated huff.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He raised a brow at his companion.

“That you will help me! We’ll make the best project you’ll see!” In his brain this translated to ‘You are going to do the project and I’ll watch' but he didn’t want to assume anything, Dazai was unpredictable. Their emotions were all over the place, mostly masked by a facsimile. He accepted these masks and acted like he didn’t care, some part in him did, stupidly so.

The project was due in three weeks, enough time for both parties to do research and discuss the details more precisely in the upcoming days. Little did he forget about his other assignments.

They sat at their table in the library, it was an unspoken agreement between them that the small table far at the back was theirs. Higuchi came around while they planned their project.

“Chuuya! I need your help” She whined and flopped down next to him in the seat, she slumped all her weight on his shoulder and fake cried. Chuuya ignored the deadweight on his shoulder and only hummed, still focused on the matter at hand.

“It’s Gin” He stopped typing and looked at her, saw tears streaks down her cheeks, and smiled softly.

“What happened this time?” He questioned and Higuchi spilled the story out of her heart. A little fight between the lovers, they sadly did fight quite often. Mostly it was Gin being ‘insensitive’ and making Higuchi question her existence and relationship.

“It's so difficult sometimes because when they’re mad they don’t open up and everything I try just…ends up being for nothing” Higuchi still had her head on Chuuya's shoulder, something his friends did rather often with him, he was the said ‘comfort person’ in the group, although he disagreed.

“What if you give them some space and wait until they approach you? Perhaps Gin is pressured when you try to make up for whatever happened” Her head snapped up from where it laid, in motion knocking against his own, making him groan in pain.

“And you are?” She scrutinized Dazai with her gaze, Chuuya had forgotten he was even there. Dazai’s pondering look changed into a welcoming smile, again utterly fake, and introduced themself.

“You are right, of course, you are. But I’m impatient! Gin and I have been together for over two years. These conflicts between us are normal but it’s tiring” Her nose scrunched in frustration and Dazai chuckled.

“Conflicts are common in relationships but there is a line where it turns into toxic behavior. Distract yourself as long as Gin needs time to rethink their actions”
Chuuya was speechless, he didn’t take Dazai for someone who was able to give advice. His friend took the advice to heart, or what he believed she did, and left them alone again.

“I didn’t know you had it in yourself to be nice” Chuuya started typing again, glancing over the laptop's edge at a pouting Dazai. What a child they were sometimes.

“Rude Chuuya! And here I thought I could show off my stunning ability at comforting people!” They crossed their arms like they always did in such moments, he was huffing and pouting because that was what Dazai was good at apparently, opened his eyes but closed them immediately when they saw Chuuya fuming in anger.

“Shut up or you do it all by yourself” He threatened his childish partner, who now begged him to help them. Working on the project went surprisingly fine, of course, Dazai stopped throughout the process many times to snack from the endless food supply they carried in their bag until the librarian told them kindly to leave early for the day.

“Only because some stupid author presents his book doesn’t mean that we cannot study there!” Dazai whined all the way to the parking lot, it was still early and Chuuya wanted to finish the first part today, given how many missed assignments were piling up on his desk.

“Can’t we get to yours and finish it there?” The suggestion was reasonable, Chuuyas apartment was close to the university and big enough for the two to spread all their work out if it wasn’t for the fact that his roommate came back late because he had a date over.

“No, sadly my apartment is contaminated with nasty body fluids from Tachi’s date and I don’t want to go there now. What about your place?” Dazai scrunched his nose in disgust but agreed to his offer.

The next question was how they would go to Dazais place, it was a bit far away and Dazai didn’t have a car for whatever reason, although Chuuya wouldn’t trust him with a car given how clumsy and irresponsible the idiot was. The only option left was to take him with his bike.

“No, I won’t ride with this death machine of yours. Never!” Dazai hastily claimed when he caught Chuuya looking at his bike deep in thought.

“It’s the only way or do you want to walk the distance on foot?” Dazai whined again, stomping his feet against the ground, and mourned his death as Chuuya gave him the spare helmet he carried with him.

“So I have to look silly with this egg helmet and you?” Dazai stood next to Chuuya who already sat down on the bike, positioning his bag for comfort.

“I don’t need it. Now get on with it!” Dazai frowned at him for a quick moment and sighed in defeat and climbed with his stupidly long legs on the seat behind him still not convinced but Chuuya knew that the bastard was way too lazy to walk the miles.

“I’m not going to hold onto you, just letting you know”

“Have fun then” Chuuya smirked and kicked the stand off the ground.

“What’s that supposed to me- AHHH” He started the engine and drove with normal speed, please mind yourself, normal speed of the parking lot, when slimy hands clutched his waist.

“If you even think about doing tricks I’ll report you to the police!” Dazai screamed against the wind, they had a deathly tight grip around his waist, almost squeezing the air out of him. Chuuya chuckled at them because for such a brat he was funnily scared of motorbikes.

“Do you even have a license for this?” When Chuuya hit the brake and stopped in front of a house, Dazai had navigated him, they hopped off the seat in a flash and shook his hair because it was ‘ruined’ as they deemed and pointed at the bike with an accusing finger.

“No of course not” Chuuya slipped off at a normal speed and pulled the keys out, not facing the idiot yet. When he turned he saw a mortified Dazai. “Of course, I do you stupid mackerel. You need proof?”

He blew out a breath and walked towards the door without a response.

Chuuya didn’t imagine Dazai living with his family, it was a rather big house with multiple floors. As he walked in he was led by a long corridor into the living room, attached to it was an open kitchen and a nearby bathroom.

“Make yourself feel at home. I need to check my room real quick” And they were gone rushing upstairs in a few strides.

“Where is your dog?” He called upstairs, pulled off his shoes at the entrance, and walked into the kitchen, staring at the fridge.

“Probably out with my sister” Dazai shouted from upstairs some rumbling was heard from the upper floor and a loud groan.

What was more interesting now was the not-so-little list of…food,(?) sticking to the fridge. The list filled the whole paper, with the most common food; wheat flour, apples, oranges, bananas, cow milk, yogurt, and many more. All of those essentials were written in red, while other nutrients were written in green; oat or soy milk, vegetables, whole grain noodles/flour, and much more. Atop the lines was Dazai's name, in bold letters.

He was so invested in the list that he didn’t notice the concerned person approaching.

“See something that interests you…” He trailed off when he stood next to Chuuya.

“Are you not allowed to eat this?” He pointed at the red letters and pulled his eyes away from the paper, watching Dazai. They were biting their lips, blinking heavily like he weighed his options.

“I had some struggles with eating when I was younger. To add to that I also have many intolerances and allergies. So we created a list” His eyes didn’t meet Chuuya’s, he understood somehow. It was a sensitive topic to talk about.

“I hate bananas. These things are way too sticky and remind me of the disgusting stuff I had to eat when I was younger” He didn’t catch the way Dazai glimpsed at him, he gaped at the list and pondered for a second, and pulled out his phone and took a picture of the list.

“What are you doing?” Dazai asked, no stupid act was hidden or smile. A simple question.

“I took a photo so I won’t forget your no go's with food, that I won’t poison you if I ever have the chance” He simply answered and opened the fridge, taking out a cold bottle of water and pouring him and Dazai a glass. Dazai still stood unmoving in front of the fridge, glaring at the list.

“Are you coming or do I need to carry you?” He huffed annoyed at the bastard's actions.

“Are you even strong enough to do that? Assuming a middle schooler has the strength to-“

“I AM NOT A MIDDLE SCHOOLER YOU STUPID f*ckER!”

“Really? Ah, my bad I meant primary student!”

“I will rip this stupid grin off of your face and-“

“I’M HOME!”

Both of their heads snapped towards the door that closed with a loud noise. Nails clinking against the floor was the only warning Chuuya got as Dogra approached him and jumped up at him.

“Hello, you beauty! I missed you!” He sat down automatically with the dog and started rubbing her exposed belly while calling her a good girl. His fury disappeared immediately when a tongue lapped at his hands and little teeth tried to bite his fingers. A girl stood in front of him, with blond hair and blue eyes, he assumed she was a high schooler.

“You must be the friend Dazai had told us about! I’m Elise, their sister! Nice to meet you!” She was uncommonly polite and went that far to shake his hand. He was dumbstruck for a moment but caught himself staring and shook her hand back and introduced himself.

“I think Yumeno will get back soon but Dad told us he’ll get back late today” She informed her sibling while climbing up the stairs. Chuuya was merrily scratching the dog behind her ears, earning a panting dog and delighted woofs.
“As usual” Dazai muttered behind him, Chuuya felt Dazai’s gaze on his head and turned towards them.

“You have two siblings?” He got up, Dogra whining at the loss of pets on her head and he started caressing her again.

“Yes, Elise and Yumeno are my siblings, we live in this apartment while on the top floor live my cousins and their dad” They explained while strolling upstairs.

His room was more vibrant than Chuuya had anticipated. He expected a plain room, bare walls, and a little twin-sized bed, however, Dazai's room was filled to the ceiling with photos and paintings, some hand-sized while others were as big as one wall. His bed took in half of the wall and next to it was a desk, with dirty water glasses from paintings or books. A big bookshelf stood against one whole, the books were close to falling out of it, so filled it was. He traced his fingertips against the book collection, varying from classic Japanese literature to modern fantasy novels. It was a colorful combination of it all. In one corner stood a record player with a little pile of records next to it. He had to stop for a second to take it all in. It screamed Dazai.

“You like what you see?” He heard Dazai’s boyish tilt in his voice but at the same time some insecurity in it if he accepted the room. One's room was something personal, mirroring oneself. He nodded hastily and roamed around the little shelves filled with whatever he could find. One wall stood out, it was painted by no one but Dazai. A beautiful scenery, a landscape from a window perspective with mountains high enough to touch the sky and flowers so colorful the rainbow might get jealous of it.

“This piece took me two years to finish” The piece was beautiful, beautiful was an understatement. He felt someone nudging him in his ribs and peeled his eyes off of the piece, Dazai glanced at him, smiling, the smile he enjoyed watching. With the little dimples on the corner of their mouth and the soft gleam in his eyes. A beautiful sight. Dazai motioned with his head towards the desk and it took Chuuya exactly thirty seconds to register where he was again, with who and why.

“Sorry I got lost” He apologized and shook his head to get rid of the beautiful landscapes and even more beautiful dimples

He sat down against the end of the bed with one pillow of Dazai’s pillow to cushion his back against the hardwood, his companion sat comfortably at the desk. They worked diligently and properly for a few hours, prepared many sheets, and discussed the topic in depth until both declared requiring a break.

“My brain is about to explode” Chuuya did not only prepare the project but also worked on his missed assignments, with Dazai’s help of course because the idiot took any chance not to work, with their help he finished most of it. Only the French analysis could wait for another day.

“We are home!” A feminine voice called out, two pairs of footsteps walked upstairs, and a door above Dazai’s room fell close. Chuuya looked questionably at Dazai.

“Yosano and Ranpo, my cousins live upstairs,” Dazai explained, and Chuuya couldn’t believe it! THE Ranpo lived upstairs?! The Ranpo who forced him into a stupid duel in his first year of uni?

“Edogawa Ranpo? The criminal justice major?” Chuuya asked in bewilderment because he couldn’t believe it! Although it did make sense that such a man lived with someone like Dazai, a different person same font type of people, he couldn’t f*cking believe it!

“Eh yeah exactly that one! Why do you ask? You’re interested? Sorry to break it to you but they are taken” Dazai blabbered nonsense to Chuuyas ears.

“Ranpo that brat compelled me into a stupid duel last year! Obviously, he won because they are genius, it was still humiliating!” Chuuya screeched, it was too embarrassing to even remember it!

“Yeah, that sounds like them” Dazai rubbed idly their chin in thought. Suddenly his head snapped up. ”Wanna play Mario Kart?”

“You can bet on it! I’ll be Yoshi” He threw the papers to the side and placed himself right in front of the TV while Dazai cramped around in their drawers for the controllers.

“No, I want to be Yoshi! He’s my favorite!”

There was a weirdly tense silence between the two. Chuuya turned the TV on and snatched a controller from Dazai’s hands and picked Yoshi as fast as he could, he had to fight with blood and tears trying to keep Dazai’s slimy hands off of his controller.

Whining and screeches were momentarily deafening him but he cheered triumphantly while Dazai gloomed at him out of the corner of their eyes while picking Dry Bones.

The first round was won by Dazai, so Chuuya required a rematch. This one was also won by Dazai. How could that be possible!?

“You push me off of the road you dickhe*d get off of me!” His elbow was in Dazai’s face, trying to sabotage him because that f*cker pushed him purposefully from the rainbow road, that was difficult from the very start off!

“Get your sluggish hands off of me!”

“No, get the f*ck out of my way mackerel!” They screamed at each other, pushed each other away or obscured their view from the TV, or kicked each other in the stomachs or back.

After fifteen lost rounds Chuuya gave up, not really because giving up was for losers! He said he’d call it a rematch the next time he was over and could kick Dazai’s ass because now he was sleepy and strung out from school stuff! Dazai nodded and hid this stupid grin he always had when Chuuya claimed something, that was very likely never going to happen, in this case, him winning.

With newfound energy, a coffee, and take-out food from the local restaurant, they tried to finish some more work for the day.

“Dazai, what does that even mean?” His voice was hoarse from almost falling asleep and screaming his lungs out a few hours ago. It was in the middle of the night and he felt his eyelids weighing down. He took Dazai’s absence of an answer, that they fell asleep, their head lay on their desk, squished between their hand and the hard material.

A quick look at his wristwatch told him that it was 4 am and he had no energy left to stay awake any longer and lay down. Just for a short nap, it was relieving to know that tomorrow was Saturday and he had the whole day off. He lay his head down with the pillow he kept behind his back throughout the evening, again, he repeated in his head, only for a quick nap!

Chapter 7: coffee is the new drug

Chapter Text

He didn’t open his eyes when he felt the heavy sunlight shining into their room, nor when birds crossed the sky and made little figures appear behind their closed eyes. He did open his eyes when he tried to sit in a more comfortable position and felt his neck and upper back aching in unbearable pain. He groaned slowly and rose their head from his desk with every inch he rose a bone cracked, making him loosen up some of the tension.

It wasn’t the first time he fell asleep at his desk, therefore he placed a soft cushion to not break his ass while slumbering. He touched his neck and found the muscles as hard as stone, he groaned and his shoulders, the bones cracked and he winced at each sound. Their eyes took a moment to get comfortable with the light illuminating the usually dark room. f*ck he forgot to close the blinds the night before, not only that he was still in his normal outfit.

After their muscles were back to normal and his bones almost broken, he found the glasses he had tossed the night before somewhere on the desk, put them on, and closed his eyes, trying to lessen the incoming headache. He rubbed at his temples already feeling the dull pain creeping, in the hope of ridden the tension building there, but to no avail. He heard a sudden snore and turned in his seat and was amused and surprised at the same time.

During the night, Dogra snuck into his room (he had a theory who the culprit was for this…cough Elise cough) and lay now with her new favorite person on the floor, luckily was his floor covered with a big carpet, a fluffy and soft material that was relatively comfortable to sit on but to sleep? Chuuya lay in a starfish position, with his head against one of Dazai’s throw pillows on the floor, his lips parted with every exhale and if their eyes didn’t disappoint him then he also sighted a line of drool on the corner of his mouth. Dogra had her head on one of Chuuya’s thighs. Some weird part in Dazai’s traitorous brain felt jealous of the dog.

At that moment Dogra licked her lips to show how content she lay on Chuuya’s beautifully muscular and shaped thighs, Dazai scrunched their nose in fake frustration, what a dog! Chuuya sighed comfortably and nuzzled his face deeper into the material of the pillow. Okay, Dazai had to give that to the other, Chuuya was endearing while sleeping. He seemed clingy and so out of it, that he could even sleep on the goddamn floor and be happily asleep!

They didn’t remember how long they watched Chuuya sleeping with Dogra, at some point the Dog got up, stretched, and lay down on Chuuya’s stomach, his hand flew to her head immediately and petted her absentmindedly. Of course, did Dazai take a photo of Chuuya! Only for blackmail material and no other self-indulgent reasons…of course not!

When the sun was fully up and Dazai started growing bored from watching the dog getting more cuddles than he ever would, he stood up and stretched again, because his whole back started to hurt. Damn, he should have just taken the bed! And he patted along the floor. He stood over Chuuya's head, fascinated by such a deep sleeper. The only other deep sleeper he knew of was his little sibling Yumeno, they were able to sleep through the loudest mornings and New Year’s celebrations.

Dogra woke up first after she noticed the heavy gaze on her, she looked at him with her stupidly cute puppy eyes that Chuuya adored so much, Dazai didn’t find the appeal in them. Sure they were somehow adorable but to go that far and say how cute they were, would be a lie on his behalf.

“Morning Sunshine” They grinned when they saw Chuuya slowly opening his eyes. In the morning light his eyes looked more grey than blue, Dazai made a mental note to look into that more closely in the future. Chuuya’s freckles stood out even more in the harsh sunlight, and created a vibrant pattern on his rather pale skin, the little child in Dazai longed to connect each freckle to form some sort of picture. He shook his head at that thought, what did he do last night to think of such things?

“f*ck off” Chuuya mumbled and squished his head into the soft blue material of the pillow beneath his head. The sleeping man said a chain of other unintelligible insults and oh, his raspy morning voice didn't affect Dazai, not one bit! It was harsher than most of the time and SO deep, that it was like a balm to starving ears.

So Chuuya was not a morning person, Dazai observed while he still watched Chuuya whining into the pillow and throwing a tantrum that it was too early for his stupid antics. They didn't even say a word!

“I know what will brighten up your mood” He claimed and clapped his hands together, a sound too loud for Chuuya, who screamed again what a bastard he was, while he was only trying to be a good host!

“What now?” Chuuya grumbled into the pillow, okay wow his voice was uhm…something Dazai was going to think about another time, or else they would never get to finish what they had planned.

“I’ll change real quick and brew you some coffee. How does that sound, sunshine?” He squatted down to be at Chuuya’s eye level, not to see his face more closely! He heard more grumpy mumbles and reached out to place his hand on Chuuya’s head, but retreated before he could touch the wild reddish locks, what was he thinking? It was way too early for him, he needed caffeine. Now. Fast. As. Soon. As. Possible.

As if Chuuya sensed their almost touch he peeped out of his hide-out and stared at Dazai, before nodding and going back to suffer on the pillow. Dazai exhaled, relieved that Chuuya didn't take him up for his sudden action.

They got up, his knees popping with the motion, he heard Chuuya wincing into the pillow and laughed quietly and approached his wardrobe, picking out his favorite pair of sweatpants and sweater, and rushed into the bathroom.

He locked the door behind them and breathed out. After he changed into black comfortable pants and his beloved dark blue sweater, he returned to his room. Chuuya still lay on the floor with Dogra on his chest, he absentmindedly played with her ears and chuckled when she licked his hand.

“I’ll make some coffee now, come into the kitchen whenever you're ready” They informed Chuuya and set off for the kitchen. He heard two voices from the dining room, he could tell that one belonged to Ranpo and the other very likely to his boyfriend. Great that was just what he needed first thing in the morning. He coughed to inform the two lovebirds that he was going to come in and opened the door slowly.

Two heads snapped in his direction, and his assumptions turned out to be correct. Poe sat at the table with Ranpo’s legs on his lap. Karl his pet raccoon nibbled on a piece of bread on the floor right next to the two.

“Good Morning, Prince Charming! Slept well?” Ranpo greeted him with a smirk, he wasn't ready for this. He turned on the coffee machine and took a seat across the two.

“Since when do you care about my sleep?” He joked and yawned, this was going to be a long and dreadful day.

“I saw the motorcycle in the garage. I didn't take you for the guy to sleep with Nakahara but everyone has different tastes” Ranpo smirked over his cup, very likely filled with hot chocolate because the man wasn't able to stomach coffee.

“I didn't take you for the guy who dates men with wild animals, but everyone has different tastes right?” Chuuya suddenly appeared in the doorway, next to him stood Dogra running up to Poe to get her head patted from him.

“Don't talk about him like that” Poe’s hushed voice was quiet but still matter of factly. Dazai enjoyed Ranpo’s soured expression much more than Poe’s whiny complaints about his preferences for pets.

“Just let him be Chuuya” Dazai reassured and motioned Chuuya to have a look at the machine if it was ready to use. He left the two alone and got the milk out of the fridge. He remembered that Chuuya drank his coffee black, without any sweetener. Of course, he would. He started frothing the milk and made Chuuya’s coffee first.

“They don't have a kitchen upstairs?” Chuuya questioned, thanked him for the cup, and took a sip from the still hot drink.

“They do but compared to ours theirs is relatively small. We eat breakfast separately but dinner is mostly served here with all of us present if we are available at these times. Also, most food and drinks are stored here, because again it is bigger and has more space to hold the number of products that seven humans need” Dazai explained and poured the milk foam atop the freshly brewed coffee, during his explanation Chuuya had heaved himself atop on one of the counters and sipped quietly from his drink. A remark about Chuuya’s feet not touching the floor lay on the tip of their tongue, they bit their tongue because he didn’t want to disrupt the peaceful atmosphere.

It was weirdly comforting to have someone next to him, it wasn't something he was so unused to, there was always someone home to keep him company his family in most cases. His friends like Kunikida or Atsushi had never stayed the night, they were never at his home, to begin with.

From the dining area came shrieks but Dazai calmed Chuuya, the ever worried cat, down and reassured him that that was just Ranpo and Poe.

“Disgustingly in love since the day they met each other” Dazai told him and stared off into the distance while he remembered it as clear as day.

Poe, back then in his first year of college, dealt out newspapers as a part-time job and placed the newspaper in their letterbox although a sign on it told people to strictly not do that. Ranpo, the eccentric detective he was, caught him pushing the magazine in and immediately called him out for it. He forgave Poe very easily after the other took him to his favorite cafe because there was no better way than to pay Ranpo the sweets.

“Of course, Mister I-am-the-best-detective-in-town had to be nosy,” Chuuya chuckled after he was told the spectacular love story of the two men now giggling at the table and emptied his cup

“Are you hungry? If my memory is intact at this early hour I think I saw some leftovers from pancakes in the fridge” Dazai mumbled.

“You want some?” Chuuya asked and opened the fridge and grabbed the plate with Yumeno’s pancakes, the kid was in no way going to eat all of them and if they were going to throw a temper tantrum Dazai could always make them anew.

“I’m not a breakfast person” They shook their head and mumbled idly at their coffee. In the end, he dragged Chuuya back into his room because he was not going to watch his cousin and his boyfriend kissing each other and being all lovey-dovey.

“Is it okay with you if I put on some music?” He asked and approached his record player, an old thing he was gifted by Mori on his eighteenth birthday along with his favorite artists' vinyl. Chuuya nodded enthusiastically and munched happily on the pancakes at his desk.

After quick hand movements, the room was filled with Chet Baker music. Chuuya raised an eyebrow at his choice of song but didn’t ask further questions.

That was one thing that he couldn’t shake off since he lived in the US, old American jazz music. Most songs were too loud or hectic for him, jazz soothed his nerves and put him permanently in a good mood.

“Didn’t take you for an old music lover” It wasn't an accusation, just one of Chuuya’s statements he liked to throw in at times.

A rather heartwarming act, always telling them random facts he knew about, like how Dazai was the perfect embodiment of a Gemini sun, whatever that meant, or that one strand of his hair was amiss. He never reached out and corrected it, only pointed it out, at first Dazai thought he was flirting with him but quickly noticed that it was not the case when he did the same to Kunikida. Also how blatantly honest Chuuya was, like when he told Dazai his outfit was boring which was rather disappointing because he tried to go for something different, he mostly appreciated his honest words when it came to Dazai second guessing themself. When he whined about how stupid he felt all the time with Chuuya, he angrily scolded him for not true that was and that he should stop crying. Aggressive encouragement was his sort of love language, he assumed but appreciated it nonetheless.

“What were you expecting?” He glanced from his screen, he tried to break his record at Geometry Dash, he had a very important bet with Yumeno and Elise going on, who was going to reach 100% at Hexagon Force.

“Sad songs, Elliot Smith, or even worse Mitski and Lana del Rey” Chuuya shrugged his shoulders and resumed eating his food happily. Dazai had to laugh at Chuuya, he was not exactly wrong, he had that phase a few years ago and preferred to not think about it more than necessary. The two sat in his room for a while even after Chuuya finished the pancakes and just lazed around, listened to music, and showed each other funny videos, mostly cat videos from Dazai’s side.

“sh*t” Came the insult through clenched teeth after a good hour and Chuuya leaped out of his seat and started searching like a madman around the room.

“What is it?” Dazai asked and glanced from his phone to see Chuuya grabbing his belongings.

“I forgot my meeting”

“What kind of meeting?” Dazai inquired curiously and threw his phone to the side to give his full attention to the cursing man in his room.

“With my sister at her shop. I promised her to be there by 1 pm” He thrust his books and laptop rather harshly into his bag and opened the door, Dazai stood up and followed him out.

“You have a sister?” Chuuya was weirdly reciprocal while he was stressed and Dazai used the momentary hectic to learn more about the hat rack.

“Yeah, she’s a fashion designer based in Tokyo. Ever heard of Golden Demon?” He lured them into the kitchen and waved Edgar and Ranpo goodbye and approached the door.

“I think I did. It’s a very famous brand right?” Dazai had no idea what Golden Demon was, but having Chuuya perhaps a minute longer than allowed, made their gloomy mood fade.

“Yeah it is” Chuuya opened the door and turned around and breathed out, he looked pretty, more than pretty. He was slightly out of breath from dashing around his room and then downstairs, his hair was a wild mess of reddish curls, his normal side part was getting out of place and his ends didn’t have the natural pep in them. Still, he looked more attractive than every painting Dazai laid their eyes on. “You should visit her shop if you’re ever in Tokyo. It’s worth it”

“Will the brother also be there?” He was bold, stepping into new territory in their friendship. He held his breath for a moment but released a shaky breath when he saw Chuuya chuckling at his question.

“We’ll see about that”

Then he did something new, for both parties; he hugged them. It was short and more like a shoulder embrace, to be honest, but Chuuya’s body was so close to Dazai’s, that his brain shut down for a good moment, even when Chuuya said his final goodbye and got on his motorcycle and set off for Tokyo.

He stood at the door for a good minute until he heard his name being shouted from inside.

“Your dad left you a message. I forgot to tell you earlier” Ranpo mumbled through a piece of cake in his mouth, where did they even get these from?!

He approached the very obvious yellow letter on the kitchen counter and read the lines slowly to get them into his thick skull rather than repeat the hug in his head for the thousandth time like it would repeat the moment.

‘Dear Dazai,
I am thankful for everything you do, from taking care of the house when I am unable to, to looking after your siblings. I know it is too much to ask for but I need your help. I have a very spontaneous first-aid class planned for children but can not find the time to prepare for it. Could you do me a favor and prepare it for me? I will pay you a good amount too. I emailed you the details regarding the children's age and other important facts. I owe you something!
See you later!
Mori’

Ugh, great that was exactly what he needed now, preparing a class for stupid and annoying kids who were going to pester him and cling to him like little parasites. His mood soured from the first sentence he read, typical Mori starting a letter with praise and then breaking the bad news like a dam. What a man he was!

But if money was in the game, he might consider looking into it!

He hadn’t planned much for today. He felt the all-well-known tiredness creeping into his bones. It didn’t matter if they regularly visited a therapist, no medication, no matter how strong and high it made them, was going to heal him. It was too much for some funny pills to fix them. He flopped down onto his pillow and whined into it. Why did it have to be them? Depression was a merciless bitch. No matter how good he felt, there was always the thought that it was all temporary, everything they worked hard for was destroyed when he entered another depressive episode. It also didn’t matter how bad the episode was itself.

Something his therapist helped him with was dealing with his self-harm tendencies, no more scalpels or razor blades were used to draw blood or see himself suffer just to make him feel some sort of emotion.

His stomach grumbled and he hid his face into the material more. They could stay here for some time and do nothing.

But his brain didn’t want to shut up. He tried to sleep more to not have to listen to his stupid thoughts telling him how worthless he was, or worse than that reliving moments he so dearly wanted to forget. Images from his mother popped up in his head and he felt a lump forming in his throat, no please not now! On really bad days he saw his trainer, this happened only once and Mori was there for him and gave him some medicine to relax. This happened the first time he slept in his new home and what nightmares he had to suffer through that night were more painful than every cut they sliced through their skin.

Okay no, this can’t go on like that! He wasn’t going to suffer here all day along with his stupid thoughts. He needed a distraction. Now. As fast as possible.

The distraction turned out to be Kunikida asking them to come over to his part-time job and returning some of the notes Dazai snatched off of the other’s folder the last few days. They received a location and got ready. Bandages were replaced by new ones, his hair was softened with a comb and his face splashed with water to get some color back.

He wasn’t in the mood to wear his usual light academia outfit and went for a wide light blue dress shirt and dark slim-fit pants, because the season change was now in its prime he pulled a light brown jacket from his wardrobe and placed it on top of his shoulders. They were content with his reflection in the mirror and quickly walked out of the door, not before writing a quick note for the others that he was out for some time.

Kunikida worked at a primary school, a rowdy and loud place. Dazai wasn’t that sure if that was the best place to stay with the state he found himself in only half an hour ago but the rational part in him convinced him that a distraction was much needed.

He was greeted by Kunikida with a toddler on his shoulders, the man himself was a good five centimeters taller than Dazai and had the body of a young Adonis. The little girl on his shoulders giggled when he turned around himself, yelling about how tall she was and how the world looked from up there.

“Oh hello there! Are you the friend Mister Kunikida told us about?” She twirled one of her black pigtails around her fingers and smiled happily down at Dazai, they had to lean their head back to see her better and tried to reciprocate the smile.

“I didn’t know Kunikida grew a second head! Good for him! He can remember his ideals much more effectively that way” Dazai gleamed at the fuming man, he was going to enjoy this because in no way was Kunikida, the ideal-obsessed man, going to insult him in front of children!

The girl perched on Kunikida’s shoulders was Izumi, she led him around the aftercare as far as she was allowed. They were dragged to the playroom where he met other kids, most of them between the age of five to ten. They were a wild gang, all asked him questions at the same time; who he was, where he was born, and what his hobbies were. He tried to answer them all after the other but noticed what little to no attention span the little devils had and stopped trying after they told them what an art major did and received no answer or reaction. At one point Koi, a wild and fiery boy, started a ruckus but was immediately hushed by Kunikida.

“I didn’t expect you to come” Kunikida said while cleaning the tables with a wet cloth. The two left the playroom some time ago, left behind a coworker of Kunikida, a young but reliable intern named Kenji, and now cleaned the eating area. Many mugs had to be collected from the tables they offered and the water cans had to be cleaned. Kunikida washed them in the sink and handed them to Dazai who dried them off, because he didn’t want to get his bandages.

“Me neither. Is it alright with you if I stay for some time?” They didn’t look at Kunikida directly because that would be too much right now, it was already too much to ask him to be allowed to stay. But the moment he stepped into the playroom with the children something in his heart melted as if a fire burned down an icy coat surrounding it.

“If you’ll help us I don’t see a problem with it” Kunikida simply answered and resumed his washing.

After that had been taken care of, they called out for all the kids to gather in the eating area, now clean and void of food leftovers on the floor or tables, and started an art project.

Kunikida explained to him that most of the kids were here due to their parents' work, some of them could not deal with a toddler around the house while working from home and needed some alone time. Another reason for a stay at the aftercare was that some kids needed the program they provided.

Some grew so restless during the school lessons that teachers agreed that an after-school program would make them use their never-ending power for the greater good rather than interrupting lessons. On some occasions they visited a park where the kids played for hours and returned home tired and sleepy, or a public pool if the weather was nice for them and the children's favorite activity was movie night, they didn’t really go to the cinema but pulled a big projector out and watched popular kids movies.

Today the program consisted of the kids creating self-portraits. Kenji, the intern, handed out little canvases and seated the kids at one of the bigger tables. After the kids calmed down and listened, Kenji started explaining the project. Colorful papers were cut into small pieces and would be glued onto the canvas resembling themself.

Dazai never labeled themself as someone who adored children but seeing the gleam in their eyes and their delighted expressions and huge smiles was in some part heartwarming

“If you need any help you can ask me or the artist themself here” Kenji glanced at Dazai. At that moment, he looked up when he heard their name, completely focused on one kid making a complete mess out of the little paper snippets. He gleamed at Kenji and nodded enthusiastically.

Kenji pointed at a girl and asked Dazai to help her. They approached the very tiny girl, she was much smaller than most kids and sat at the end of the table, a little distance between her and the rest of the children. Her short black hair was adorned with little butterfly hair clips, matching her butterfly shirt. She looked up from her empty canvas, with big eyes.

“Hello there, do you mind me helping you?” She didn’t answer, only stared at him with an open mouth. He sat down next to her and took the yellow paper and cut it into little pieces when a little hand grabbed his palm.

“Not yellow. I want purple, please” She whispered in a hushed voice. She looked down at her lap, avoiding eye contact.

“Of course, it suits you much better” They smiled softly at the girl and asked for purple paper, it was handed to them and he started cutting it into small pieces.

“Is purple your favorite color?” He asked her, she didn’t say a word, only nodded timidly and watched him doing her work. She was not very talkative and something in her made his heart ache, it was as if he saw himself in her.

“My favorite color is blue, all shades of blue it’s beautiful” He started talking about colors and what they resembled, he didn’t know if she listened or not, but that was alright for the moment. They could talk if it makes her more comfortable.

“Another color?” He asked her when he was done with purple. She glanced up from her lap and took a glance at his sweater and pointed at the dark blue paper.

“You don’t need to use blue if you don’t like it, you know?” Dazai reassured her.

“But you like it”

In the end, Dazai sat with her throughout the whole project, either helping her shape her portrait or gluing the pieces together. She started talking, not much but enough for Dazai to know her name, Sora, and her age, she was five.

“Do you like to go to school?” The paintings were set aside when all the kids finished with them and were allowed to play until their parents picked them up. Sora stayed by his side, she had asked him to draw a butterfly and they indulged her. The kid was good company, she was quiet but giggled when Dazai told a (un)funny joke or showed her pictures of Dogra. She asked him to search for the most beautiful butterfly and he did, her eyes sparkled and she smiled. She smiled, such a carefree and simple expression on children's faces but it seemed rare on her face.

So he grabbed a paper and started with the butterfly’s body first. The pencil flew over the paper easily, not his preferred hardness but that was alright for now. Sora leaned into his personal space and oohed and ahhed when the wings came visible.

“I like it more than home” She replied, still staring at the drawing. Dazai had some ideas about why she liked it more than her home but kept quiet.

“My home is very quiet since mom is gone. Here it is much more louder and fun, I like it here” He stopped drawing and looked at her, her mom was gone, either passed away or literally gone, it didn't matter.

“My mom was gone too when I was fifteen,” He told her, she stared at him in the eyes and he saw how dull her dark eyes were. If felt as if he saw little Dazai in them, they weren't scared now, she was too young to be scared of. She needed care and love, nothing else mattered.

“Do you miss her?” Around midday, he almost had a panic attack because of his mother but now thinking and talking about her came easy. Naturally, he felt uncomfortable but not the awful kind of uncomfortable where he would feel the need to hide from the world or himself. Dazai smiled at her tenderly, she kept staring at him with hopeful eyes.

“Sometimes yes, it does get better trust me. It will take time and patience but soon you will find people that will make you happy and feel loved” He reached out to her, and placed softly his hand on her hand. She leaned into the touch and smiled softly.

“Thank you Mister Dazai” She thanked him when he finished the drawing and handed it to her, next to his initials stood a little ‘To my dear Sora, may you find the happiness you deserve. Overall the drawing was one of his bests, they excel at painting but this drawing was simply said to be beautiful. The wings looked fascinatingly huge and vibrant although the picture was colorless, he tried to bring motion into the drawing so that it seemed as if the butterfly could fly away at any possible moment. Sora’s smile was priceless. She was so happy that she hugged them tightly around their waist. He carded their fingers through the girl’s hair and felt happy how amazed she was, that he was the person who brought a smile to the girl's face.

The kids were picked up by their parents around four in the afternoon. Kenji left with most of them and left Kunikida and Dazai in charge of cleaning up and preparing the aftercare for the next days.

“Her mother killed herself a year ago and left behind her overwhelmed husband with a little girl,” Kunikida told Dazai when they brought up the Sora situation earlier that day. Dazai hummed, so he was right. Kunikida told him more about the kids they were looking after and it shocked Dazai every second more how cruel some parents could be.

“They are all angels, even if some seem like hell sent them” Kunikida huffed and cleaned up the makeover desk that the children had used in the playroom. Dazai was speechless, Kunikida was right over all the kids were decently friendly and sweet, yes some cases had Dazai almost lashing out, when a kid tried to peel off his bandages from his wrist or when a kid kept touching them even if they told the child to stop, but in the end, they didn’t know better and he was glad that they were given a safe space like the aftercare.

“Here are the notes” As they both walked out of the door, Dazai opened his bag and handed Kunikida his calculus notes, he thanked them and bid him goodbye.

As they walked back home, he felt relieved, yes it was a hard day, harder than most days he had in the past few weeks. Some part of him was proud that he noticed the incoming episode and tried to distract him because, in the end, it worked fine. No hurtful thoughts or bone-wearing laziness were crashing over him the past few hours. His therapist was going to be proud of them. On their way back home they stopped at a drugstore and bought themself a cookie. He hadn’t eaten anything in the past few hours and his stomach started to hurt.

He took the cookie in his mouth as he opened the door, muffled an “I’m back” tossed his shoes off at the entrance, hung his jacket on the rack, and walked into the kitchen. He wasn’t prepared for the sight he was greeted with; Mori sitting at the table and next to him Chuuya. Both stopped their conversation and turned towards them.

“You’re back!” Mori greeted and stood up, clapped Dazai once on the shoulder, and excused himself out of the kitchen to leave the two alone.

“You’re here” Dazai breathed, his heart felt warm all of the sudden, and his bag slowly slid down from his shoulder without him noticing it until it hit the ground with a dull thud and the cookie was placed securely on the counter. Seeing Chuuya talk casually with his adoptive dad made him a bit lightheaded.

“Yeah” Chuuya smiled slightly at him.

The two looked at each other for a moment. Not uttering a single word, only staring at the other. In any other situation, it would have been embarrassing but it felt so right, familiar in a weird sense. Chuuya looked exhausted, light eye bags made his dark eyes even more prominent and his hair was a mess, probably from driving back here with his motorcycle, and his clothes looked rumpled.

“So…uh what’s the matter?” Dazai was the first who broke out of the momentary trance and shook his head.

“I forgot my hat and my camera here” Chuuya glanced at the supplies next to him laying on the desk. They didn’t even notice them when he walked in. That made sense, of course. He felt embarrassed for a moment, why was that? Was he expecting Chuuya to come over only to see them? What? He wouldn’t do such a thing, right?

“I didn’t notice them here I would have given you them on Monday” Dazai rambled and scratched his neck in embarrassment.

“It’s alright. Your dad let me in, we started talking for way too long actually” Chuuya chuckled tiredly, damn he looked as if he’d fall asleep every possible second.

“He told me about the first aid class”

Oh, he completely forgot about that. His thoughts were occupied by many other things and he shoved the project aside. Now that he thought about it, he could ask Chuuya for help, the other seemed to be good with kids. He was naturally good with people and charming. They might ask him, but he didn’t want to burden Chuuya too much, he was prone to procrastinate most of his studies and leave everything for the last minute.

“If you are overwhelmed with the project, I could help you. I had to prepare many classes like these myself” Chuuya stood up and walked up to him, standing right in front of him. If Dazai had the mental capacity left for it, he’d joke about Chuuya having to crane his neck to look up at him, but the only consistent thought in his brain was the stupid hug from earlier. Chuuya’s body warmth on his cold limbs, Chuuya’s smell filling their senses.

“Dazai? Are you there?” A hand waved in front of his eyes breaking him out from stupid thoughts.

“Could you repeat that? I was gone for a good second” They muttered and smiled apologetically.

“Do you need help with the first aid class?”

“Yeah that would be great” Chuuya smiled at him, one of his small but pretty smiles.

“But only if you demonstrate how CPR works” They nagged and laughed when Chuuya slapped them on the arm, throwing insults at them and their inappropriate behavior.

They walked upstairs to their room, Chuuya, right behind their feet. The two settled right at the end of Dazai’s bed, he pulled out his laptop and started researching the most important topics.

“I would start first with explaining the contents of a first aid kit” Chuuya suggested and Dazai scribbled down the idea in the list he created on a notepad.

“We should also focus on more children-related information. Of course, we can talk about more professional instructions but we have to simplify them for the kids to understand” Chuuya rambled off, playing with one of the fancy rings he liked to wear. “Also we have to show them little movies or just something that attracts their attention or else they will fall asleep halfway through the class”

Dazai wrote down everything Chuuya said, in short, written keywords because Chuuya said too much for his brain to follow at the moment.

“Also we should inform them on what to do and on what not to do at all! Kids need to know taboos too”

Dazai nodded and started creating a file on his laptop.

After the sun was set and the sky turned black they were almost finished, well most slides needed some last touches but overall they had a plan. The later it got the quieter the two got, it wasn’t weird, just new. Although the two shared many of their thoughts with each other but also knew when to shut up, this silence didn’t feel quite right…

Dazai glanced from the screen and saw Chuuya biting his lower lip, eyes focused on nothing in particular as If he was lost in thought.

“Do you want to share what you’re thinking?” Dazai asked and started typing away.

“Something happened earlier at my sister’s job” Chuuya hesitated, he narrowed his eyes, still staring straight ahead, and started to bite his nails. Dazai hummed to let the other know he was listening. “Do you know Paul Verlaine?”

“He is a French author, right?” He pondered, whatever Chuuya was about to tell him had to do something with the man in question, and to tell him their opinion on him no matter what that might be, would ruin the moment so he chose the option to stay neutral on the topic.

“Yeah, exactly that bastard” Chuuya huffed and placed his plans on his eye sockets. Dazai was flabbergasted for a second, what was he supposed to do? Was Chuuya crying? Was he allowed to touch him? To comfort him? He was hectic until Chuuya pulled his hands away and they were greeted with a devastated Chuuya and a downcast smile, he looked even more tired than before. “He's my brother, or better to say was my brother”

The dry and empty laugh made Dazai sick, so sick that he forgot the things Chuuya said. The words registered after a moment, leaving him in utter shock.

“He’s your brother? My bad was your brother?” He corrected himself fast when he saw the deadly gaze Chuuya gave him.

“Yeah after he left us I never saw him as my brother again. And now he dances at every party in France, living his best life with his new fancy boyfriend” Chuya sneered. “The thing that happened today was that I saw him on TV. Nothing new to me or my sister, he is famous and all over the internet with his new book, which is f*cking horrible. Yes, I’ve read it, many times, more than I should. I hate it so much”

“It was a stupid interview he had done many times before. But this one was…different” Chuuya stopped mid-sentence and looked down at his lap. “He was being asked about his family”

Dazai gulped down, already sensing what the answer might have been.

“He said he had none”

Dazai didn’t know what to answer, did Chuuya even want to hear an answer? The silence was loud, too loud, clawing at his brain and urging him to say, say something, anything.

“Well f*ck him and his book. It was horrible the number of metaphors he used only confirmed that he can not come up with normal descriptions”

Chuuya snapped his head and stared open-mouthed at him.

“These were exactly my words. My sister even tried to defend him for whatever reason!” Chuuya said appalled, he smiled slightly at Dazai, a much better look on him. “Thank you Dazai. You didn’t have to answer or anything, I’m still grateful”

“You can rant however much you want, I’ll always listen” They bumped their shoulders against Chuuya’s, he did the same and almost made Dazai topple over. He laughed and it filled Dazai’s ears with a lovely melody.

“Do you stay the night?” They asked when the other calmed down, Chuuya pondered for a second and nodded finally.

“It’s too late and I’m not a fan of driving in the dark”

Dazai smiled and went back to typing the last slide until it was finished. He cleaned up his floor and dusted his pants off.

“Can I bring Dogra in?” Chuuya asked as he stood up from the floor, groaning as he touched his back like a grandpa.

“If you can find her. But don’t bring her near me” Dazai pouted.

“Why do you even have a dog if you don’t like them?” Chuuya chuckled and walked towards the door.

“It’s not my dog, she’s my sibling’s dog!” Dazai whined, if he wasn’t so tired he would have stomped his feet.

“You’re one of a kind,” Chuuya said and opened the door, and searched for the dog outside.

Your kind!” Dazai yelled after him, relinquishing the insult he received.

Chapter 8: domestic mornings

Chapter Text

“I am not overreacting! It hurts!!” Dazai wailed, they sat at the diner table in the kitchen, with Chuuya between their spread legs. Chuuya frowned down at him and slapped his leg, making Dazai whine even more.

“Hold still you idiot! Of course, it hurts! Now stay still and let me tend to your…wound” He drifted off and parted Dazai’s mouth with his thumb, as softly as possible because the idiot was sensitive when it came to his current situation. The idiot blushed and Chuuya was confused about why they did that, he was just trying to see how much damage he had done.

“Why am I the idiot here? You were the one who smashed my teeth out!” They snapped out of his dreamy haze and pinched Chuuya’s waist, slightly revealed due to the shirt which had been ridden up with him moving so much in the past few moments. The sides of his waist were a dangerous zone, he was highly ticklish and attempted to get Dazai’s stupid fingers off of his belly, he squirmed before he schooled his laughs into a dead serious glare.

“Stop that and now hold still!!” Chuuya demanded and grabbed Dazai’s chin, making them face him, their brows were pinched together in the childish frown they liked to show off to piss him off even more than he usually did.

“No, I don’t want to! You are so harsh with me!” Dazai snapped his head away from Chuuya but started whining and bemoaning his beautiful teeth the second Chuuya’s fingers left his face. Sometimes he felt the urge to slap him, hard against his cheek with much power to release the anger Dazai made him feel.

Chuuya stood between his legs, heaved a sigh to keep his nerves under control, grabbed a new pad, dripping some disinfectant on it, and waited until his stupid patient calmed down. He glanced down at Dazai’s feet, Dogra curled up around his ankle, giving them the judgy face that many dogs adorned. He felt even more ridiculous with her being around them right now.

Dazai looked hilarious, with his bleeding nose, the skin in that area turning more blueish and greenish the more time passed, and his half front tooth. It was only the corner of the front tooth that was missing but they kept crying that half of his teeth were gone.

It all happened when they were in bed. Chuya was taken aback when Dazai had suggested sleeping in his bed the night before, yes it was reasonably a smart idea, given how wrecked he felt the last time he awoke in their room. On the floor.

Chuuya was given a change of clothes, a plain T-shirt and some sweatpants, of f*cking course were they too long. Who even had such long legs?! He appreciated Dazai’s legs a lot, they were simply a…nice sight for his eyes. Nothing else.

Moving on! He crawled into the bed but couldn’t sleep, he was used to sleeping four hours maximum a day, so he stirred and tossed on the bed until Dazai grabbed his shoulders and hissed harshly ‘Stop it’ The idiot lay next to him, facing Chuuya with their back, and didn’t even move a single hair strand.

After they argued about how much space each was allowed to sleep in, they decided to watch a movie. For whatever reason Dazai suggested watching Tangled, their excuse was that he had watched it with his sibling some time ago and fell asleep easily during the movie.

So when both of them were finally asleep and happily snoring (more likely Chuuya snoring) he slightly underestimated the size of the bed, in the night he spread out of the bed as if it was his own…and simply made himself comfortable.

In the early morning hours, he kept tossing in the sheets and threw his arm out to his left, hitting something hard and spiky. The next thing he remembered was Dazai’s screams about blood, so so much blood. Also, Dogra dashed around while Dazai loudly complained about Chuuya’s brute manners. They held their hands in front of their nose, but they were covered with blood in seconds, his pillow too and they rushed out of the room, screaming something about having medical supplies in the kitchen.

Chuuya came after him, and Dogra, saw the other holding a pad against his nose, when Dazai turned he noticed the missing corner in his right tooth, he was shocked and laughing at the same time, adding more wrinkles on Dazai’s forehead while he blabbered something about Chuuya ruining his good looks.

After Dazai almost passed out from screaming too much and not breathing enough, he sat them down on a seat, grabbed the supplies, and tried to clean his nose and upper lips, which were fully covered in dark blood, some already dried around his nose.

“The bleeding won’t stop. f*ck” Chuuya mumbled and Dazai gaped at him silently. He snapped the pad out of his hand and rolled it into a little roll and stuffed it into his nostril and stood up rapidly. He almost lost his footing, Chuuya got ahold of him at the right moment and caught him by their shoulders, and sat them down again.

Dazai slapped his hands away and stood up whining about having to do the job himself. He walked out of the kitchen into the entry and then out of the apartment door.

Chuuya stood there rooted with his feet on the ground, only Dogra panting was heard but they were static to the deafening thoughts running through his mind.

Should he have felt guilt or remorse?

He never experienced such a thing, well it was not an everyday situation that you punch out somebody’s teeth. But he wasn’t at fault in this situation, how could he have control over his body in the sleeping state?

Still, something felt off, Dazai seemed…pissed.

He would never outright admit that he was pissed, he’d play the asshole card of being annoyingly passive-aggressive. He noticed that quite a while ago, when Kunikida visibly angered him, Dazai deflected this anger and turned it into jokes and when he slightly showed his anger he masked it with nonchalance. But never out worthy acted upon it.

Ugh, Dazai confused him every day more and more!

”How can you live with someone like that?” He squatted down onto Dogra’s eye level and petted her behind the ear, she leaned into his touch and he smiled a little, as much as he could.

“What is it, Dazai?” Loud and aggressive footsteps came from the entry and he looked up in the moment and caught Dazai pulling a tired and by the looks just awoken Yosano into the apartment in Chuuya’s direction.

“Look what he did to me!” He accused Chuuya and sat down, he pointed a finger at his nose. Yosano sighed and tilted Dazai’s head back to further see his…condition so to say.

“Wow, Nakahara I knew you had some strength but that much? Impressive” She idly mumbled under her breath and entered the kitchen, fetching a pair of medical gloves and returning, he greeted her with the same tired tone and stood next to her in front of Dazai, with an open mouth.

“Yeah Chuuya is amazingly strong and can probably heave me on one of his arms but THAT’S not the point Yosano! Fix that!” Dazai gestured around his nose and mouth area widely.

“From the looks of it, I can already tell you have a fractured nose. Not a bad one, it will heal in a few weeks, give it three or four. Your tooth can be repaired easily with a filling if you want it, but the loss is so little that the dentist would decline any ‘improvements’. From further away it's not even noticeable” Chuuya took a few steps back and agreed with her, the chipping was almost not there, only if you stood very close to Dazai which not many people did.

“So you want to tell me that I have to give a first aid class for little children with a broken nose?” Dazai asked appalled and touched his cheek for a dramatic measure.

“You broke your nose and not damaged your hearing right?” They glared at her and she smiled cunningly.

“You'll never gonna let me forget that, am I right?” He squeezed his eyes shut when she pulled the self-made tampon out of his nose, he made gagging motions, Chuuya had to give that to him; it was indeed a very disgusting sight, and had to look away.

“Be grateful that I didn't wake Ranpo or take pictures of you” She made quick work of stopping the bleeding, and inspected the fracture, while Dazai winced whenever she pressed a bit too harshly onto the bone. It wasn’t visible that there was a fracture and Chuuya felt even worse for that.

“Now that I am finished with you, I expect French toast from you” She flopped into the seat and smiled tiredly at Dazai.

“Do you know how to make French toast?” They turned in Chuuya’s direction. While Chuuya knew how to bake when it came to cooking he was a noob so he shook his head.

“Great, then I’ll teach you how to make it”

Dazai was skilled in the kitchen, his instructions were a bit muffled due to the cotton pads in his nostrils but everything had its order and place in the kitchen and he mastered everything perfectly. The two worked well together, no eggs were falling onto the floor or sugar poured over a shirt.

“You never disappoint” Yosano praised after the first bite. The three ate in comfortable silence, drank their coffee, and simply enjoyed each other's company until Yosano was bored by the two and cleaned up after her and left.

“How can I step in front of kids even worse parents with such a nose!” Dazai’s whines were white noise to Chuuya who overlooked the program for tomorrow, the class would be held at 3 pm in one of the conference rooms in the hospital Dazai’s dad worked at. Mori already approved of the class program, he had sent it over email when they were finished.

He checked his planner and noticed the upcoming party one of his friends was going to have. It was in the evening and there was enough time between the party and the class to prepare himself for that.

“Are you invited to Mark Twain’s party?” Chuuya asked out of pure curiosity, ignoring Dazai and his irritated glare.

“Yes I am but I considered not going” Dazai sat down at his desk and fished out a notebook.

“Why is that?” Chuuya approached him and saw over their shoulder a drawing of a butterfly, it was huge, filled the whole page, and was beautiful. He traced each pencil stroke with his eyes as if they could redraw them.

“I am not a fan of parties. Too loud for me and the drinks are always bad” Dazai took the pencil between their fingers and played with it, letting it curl around his digits. Chuuya was shortly mesmerized by the fluid movements until a sudden cough interrupted him.

“Uhm…How many parties have you attended?” He quirked an eyebrow at Dazai and saw right through the lie, the bastard.

“Fine! I've never been to a party and I might have something called social anxiety that keeps me from going every time I've been invited to one” Dazai turned his head away from him.

“I’ll be there and I am not the biggest party person but it could be fun, trust me”

“I don't know if trusting you has been the best thing” He pointed at his nose to make his point clear.

“Okay, I get it! But this is different, really, you should go it will help you and if you want to go home I’ll take you home alright? Whenever you feel overwhelmed you can tell me and you will be home in no time. How does that sound?” He didn't know why he wanted Dazai to go with him, perhaps it was the fact he seemed lonely and more closed off the more he got to know him, still, it felt like the right thing to give them something amusing, even if it was a party.

In the end, Dazai accepted the fact that he had no way out of this and resumed drawing quietly while Chuuya overlooked the documents for the hundredth time for grammar mistakes or other stupid mistakes the two could have done during the last night.

The next day was a Monday, Chuuya slept at his for the night and got up early. The morning shift at the restaurant was over in no time and he ate lunch before heading for the hospital. It was a modern and big building, he had never been here. He met Dazai at the entrance, smoking

“I thought you don't like smoking” He joked and nudged them into the ribs, lightly.

“Only when I'm stressed. I am stressed right now, a lot” Dazai took a drag with shaky fingers and Chuuya sighed.

“You want one? We have some minutes left before the class starts” Chuuya took Dazai’s straight out of his hands and took a drag and felt his nerves calming. He wasn't nervous, talking in front of crowds was never a problem for him, he enjoyed the attention and being able to enrapture the crowd’s focus on him.

The beige pants and blue dress shirt Dazai wore looked good on them, fortunately, the idiot found a way to cover his nose, with a black face mask, it hung under his chin. The band-aids on his nose were on full display. They were going to wear them often from now on. Chuuya felt all of a sudden underdressed, he wore a red dress shirt with black jeans and his beloved leather jacket along with his signature accessories.

“That was a very good idea” He mumbled and gestured at the mask while stomping on the cigarettes.

“The best I could come up with” They held the big glass doors open for Chuuya, the foyer was huge with white marble floors and many nurses running around with doctors casually checking over documents at the information desk. After walking up many stairs he came face to face with a big wooden door on the second floor, from the inside were kids running around and screaming. All of this could be heard through the door. The two looked at each other reassuringly before they nodded.

“You're good with kids, arent you?” Dazai asked, his hand hovering over the knob and he smiled awkwardly at Chuuya.

“I think I am”

“Okay, that’s enough!” And he opened the door with those words.

Nothing could have prepared Chuuya for the chaos that was hidden behind the door, it felt like he entered the gates of hell when he stepped through the door. Screams thrummed in his ears and kids ran from one corner to the other with parents scolding them or pulling them aside. His patience grew thin, with not a single soul noticing them yet.

“Well, here goes nothing” Dazai mumbled, loud enough for him to hear it, and crossed the room.

“Hello everyone!” Dazai greeted and everyone turned their head in his direction and sat down in the seats, he put on one of those fake smiles, the one that bordered on too genuine to be true, and walked up towards the whiteboard where the equipment was placed. “I am Dazai and this here” he pointed at Chuuya next to him “is my partner Chuuya! Today we will teach you all about first aid and why it is so important!” Chuuya turned the projector on and clicked the files with the program when one of the kids stood up from the seats that were placed in multiple rows.

“Can we watch Cocomelon?” Chuuya had to school his face into something neutral although he didn't feel like that at all, maybe he wasn't as good with kids as he assumed he was...

“No we cannot, have you seen a first aid kit before?” Dazai interfered, good or Chuuya would have lost it.

“Yes, we have them in our classroom!”

“I saw one on the soccer field when a boy fell!”

“They have this burning liquid in them!”

“My mom had to open one to place a bandaid on my knee!”

“Yes, very good!” Dazai confirmed and started with the program.

Dazai was right, most kids were bored within the first minutes but their attention was back when they showed a short film. Throughout the class, the kids behaved well, relatively. Of course, some interrupted them and some parents commented on something but overall it was a good session. The two flipped on two seats when the last parent with their kid left and simply calmed down and relaxed.

“I'll never do that again. I think I'll grow grey only from that event” Dazai complained, he received disrespectful comments and stares from children and parents alike because of his mask. At some point, he laid a hand on Chuuya’s shoulders because he was about to snap at one parent making a joke about Dazai.

“At least you have the money for one month of coffee!” Chuuya tried to joke but it came out wrong. While packing up Dazai asked him, how they could repay him.

“Invite me to the fancy restaurant downtown and we’re quit”

Then they left for the day, they bid each other goodbye at the road where their paths part and headed home. Chuuya flopped face first onto his bed, he didn't know when he fell asleep but he did.

The music was loud, some famous western song he couldn't name, probably because it was a sh*tty remix instead of the original song.

The drink froze his hands, it was cold but still tasted good enough. Chuuya arrived two hours ago at Mark’s party, a house party to be exact. The man lived with his rich family in one of those huge houses, a villa with four bathrooms and many bedrooms. The pool was currently occupied by students, either idly swimming around or fully making out with each other, there was no in-between.

“And that's how we make up!” Higuchi stood next to him at the bar in the kitchen, she held a beer can in her hand the other was around Gin’s waist. In the past few minutes, she retold the story about their improving relationship with Chuuya. He would lie if he said he paid much attention to it, he searched for a bandaged person, who still didn't make an appearance.

“So to sum it all up; you had make-up sex and now everything is alright?” Chuuya took a sip of his drink and chuckled when he heard Higuchi gasp around her bottle.

“No we talked like normal people and THEN we had sex,” Gin told him with their usual nonchalance.

“Because that makes everything better” Higuchi whined and slapped his arm, he smiled at her blush forming on her neck and face “Sorry I’m just joking! But I'm glad that you are happy now” He smiled as the couple traded sweet glances as if they fell in love at that moment.

“Don’t worry darling, his lover hasn't arrived yet and he's grumpy” Gin caressed Higuchi’s cheek.

“What lover are you talking about?” He questioned, did they mean Dazai?

“You know which one! Don’t play stupid now, not with us. Very tall, brunette and has some weird sense in fashion-”

“His bandages are not weird Higuchi!” He snapped, but still wore a tiny smile.

“Also a literature genius and unbelievably smart” Gin finished for their girlfriend. A genius, was Dazai really that intelligent? Of course, he noticed that they were clever, but a genius?

“A genius?” He questioned, his attention peaked.

“Yes, he is. No matter what book Oda questions him about Dazai knows exactly what to answer, and his responses are great. He thinks so differently and is more abstract, many students are jealous of him, but he completely ignores them. I mean with an IQ of 200 I would do the same, let people run their mouths however they want” He almost spit his drink out, Dazai was THAT smart?

“No way, a 200IQ?? What is Dazai even doing at our college then?” Higuchi was also shocked when she heard Gin say that.

“An IQ of 200, wow that guy must be smart” An arm sneaked its way around Chuuya’s shoulders, the touch burned through his bare skin. He wore a black sleeveless turtleneck and felt Dazai’s skin on his, it was burning.

If it weren't for the familiar presence of Dazai he would have punched the stranger, he looked up and saw them gazing down at him with his smile hidden by another black mask. Around his eyes were little crinkles, he was smiling earnestly this time, he observed. “Hello sunshine, have you missed me?”

“Dazai!” Higuchi called out, whether it was for a warning or greeting was unknown to Chuuya. Sunshine, they called Chuuya that more often lately, but mostly when it was only the two, now with people around, especially Higuchi who was known to not have a sense of shutting up, he felt his cheeks run hot.

“We saw each other like three hours ago” He deadpanned and nudged Dazai away from him, it was starting to get too hot for him, with them standing so close to him. “Also for a genius, you are terrible at baking”

“Have you baked together?” Higuchi asked, her eyes gleamed and she smiled while raising both eyebrows at her partner. Chuuya was confused about what she implied but answered her nonetheless.

“No we haven’t, but Dazai’s cousin told me about that one time he tried to bake a lemon cake, and he-“

“That’s enough for now! It was lovely to meet you but I have to take Chuuya now with me!” Dazai held a hand against his mouth before he could tell the whole story, made fun of them, and dragged him by the arm away from the couple, into one of the big hallways, void of people. Biting into one of Dazai’s fingers was his resolution to free himself from the mouth shackle.

“Ouch! Why are you so rude to me?” Dazai whined and blew onto his finger, where teeth imprints marked his skin.

“You didn’t even let me tell the funny part of the story! How you threw chopped lemon pieces into the batter AND forgot to crack the eggs! It was dough and no cake” Chuuya held his belly while laughing, it was hilarious Dazai’s embarrassing look from the morning Yosano told him the story and the whole affair in general.

“As if you are any better!” Dazai nagged, crossing his arms, and pouted.

“Ugh, I need another drink for this evening” Chuuya mumbled and trudged back into the kitchen, instantaneously aware of Dazai’s presence right behind him. “You want some?”

“Only one or else you’d have to carry me back” They grinned and grabbed the plastic cup Chuuya handed them, a mixture between some hard alcohol and lemon soda.

“I can carry you, I don't have a problem with that” He glanced down at his arms, he was proud of his muscles he trained hard for them after all. The years spent in the gym were worth something!

“It’s just I’m on antidepressants. Not sure if you know the side effects, but one cup” He held the cup higher and nodded his head in its direction “Feels like four. Funny thing about these antidepressants” They chuckled and took a careful sip, the mask underneath his chin, he took them to a secluded area where not many people were gathered, Chuuya awaited his reaction.

“What is that?” Dazai scrunched his nose in disgust, but stopped immediately and touched his nose, and placed the cup on the kitchen counter.

“Vodka and lemon soda. Thought I’d bring back memories while I was reminiscing” Chuuya smirked and took a tentative sip of his own.

“Don’t they have something better?” Dazai passed him and opened the shelves, plates and other utensils were stacked tidily in them but no alcohol.

“I think all he has is here on display” Chuuya gestured with his thumb towards the kitchen aisle with the massive amount of bottles, in different sizes and colors.

“What a pity! Here I thought I could snatch some good American whiskey from them” Dazai flopped down onto one of the bar stools and held his chin on his hand, a stupid pout adorning their lips.

“Here take mine” Chuuya gave Dazai his drink and fetched a new one for himself.

“WHO’S PLAYING KINGS CUP?!” Screams came from outside and the people remaining in the room followed the screams and cheers from outside.

“What’s that?” Dazai asked and took a sip from his drink, he seemed to enjoy it.

“A game. I want to play it, do you want to come with me?” Chuuya already made his way towards the living room and the terrace, Dazai nodded, flipped the mask back on, and the two got outside. The music got quieter the closer they stepped out.

The sky was dark, only the many light chains made it possible to see outside, the people from earlier in the pool were covered with towels and sitting on sun chairs. A big round table stood on the wooden planks that created the floor on the terrace, people gathered around the table, some were familiar faces; Higuchi and Gin, Akutagawa and Atsushi, and other faces he knew.

The wind gave him chills and he crossed his arms to bring back some warmth, dammit he should have taken a jacket with him! The outfit was amazing, the pants hugged his legs just right and the shirt presented his toned arms well enough, the shirt was also a tight fit, and gave little left to the imagination. He reveled in the eyes he felt on his body, he knew he looked great.

But only looking good at its disadvantage, such as not bringing a jacket with him.

“Let’s gather around the table, we’ll play multiple rounds so everyone will play at some point during the night!” Mark walked out onto the terrace with his stupid grin, it was stupid. He was not one of Chuuya’s friends, he was an arrogant ass and nothing else.

So a little group gathered around the table: Chuuya and Dazai, who still pretended to be alright even if Chuuya noticed them picking at their hands and skin, he slapped his hands away under the table and curled one of his fingers of his around Dazai’s index to keep him under control.

Next to Chuuya sat Akutagawa with his boyfriend on the other side, the rest of the seats were filled with unknown faces, most of them were friends of Mark and therefore unfamiliar to Chuuya and the rest. Mark of course sat down right opposite Chuuya and smirked the devil's smile he possessed whenever the two locked eyes. He felt Dazai’s finger tightening around him and noticed how he had started to shake and calmed down.

“So is everyone familiar with King's cup?” Mark glanced around the group, everyone nodded so the game began.

Dazai let go of his finger to hold the cards in his hands, and he felt even colder than before.

The cards were spread out to everyone evenly and Mark began placing a card in the middle of the table next to the empty cup. The guy next to him, a white dude with blond hair too fake to be natural, gasped and placed the first King card onto Mark’s.

“I have no idea what I had here!” He joked, he was noticeably drunk and swayed while pouring half of his drink into the cup, a piss yellow liquid. People shrieked and the game resumed.

The next King card was in Dazai’s hands, he stood up and poured a good quarter of his drink into the cup.

“What was that Dazai?” Atsushi screeched when the yellow liquid turned brown.

“co*ke with vodka” Dazai sing-songed and sat down, they leaned close to Chuuya’s ear, his breath hot on his skin, through the mask, it must have been the alcohol making him dizzy and not Dazai’s proximity!!

“I’m betting that you have to drink the final mixture” Chuuya’s mouth hung open, he could only stare, his vision was filled with brown, warm brown eyes and even more soft brown curls. Dazai was beautiful, in that moment he was breathtaking. They tilted their head and awaited Chuuya’s answer.

“Oh Dazai is his name, I was curious who the handsome guy was who has Nakahara wound around his finger”

Chuuya snapped his head in Mark’s direction who smiled at him, the f*cker!

“f*ck off Mark, this is none of your business” Chuuya grumbled. “By the way, I bet it will be you” He didn’t look at Dazai, they were dangerous for his tipsy brain right now, he hoped that they heard him hissing his bet, judging by the giggles next to him, they did.

Chuuya saw it coming, he did from the moment he saw the King in his hands, three were already on the pile of cards. The music zoned out while he contemplated straight-up leave, but he dragged Dazai here in the first place and felt the need to show them what the game had to offer. So he sighed deeply for the dramatic effect and laid his card down. People yelled and cheered him to drink the cup, it was disgusting, it was dark grey by now with who knew what alcohol and other mixtures.

He stood up with the cup high in his hand and breathed out, braced himself for incoming nausea, and swallowed it down in a few gulps. The players roared and urged each other to play another round. Balance was lost for a good second but Dazai caught him at the right moment and guided him down onto his seat.

“I think you owe me something” Dazai joked beside him, they smiled so prettily, behind the mask were very likely his dimples but only the little crinkles around their eyes were visible. Chuuya overcame the fact that there could be other people knowing that fact, Dazai’s true smile, he didn't want that! He was supposed to be on the receiving end of his smiles and no one else wanted to see this smile, only him.

The world around them disappeared, it was only the two, Dazai and Chuuya. They weren’t at a party, no music was currently destroying his drumhead, no drink was messing with his head, and no harsh light blinded him.

He slapped his hands onto Dazai’s cheeks and pushed them together to capture the smile and hide it deep in his memories where no one was able to find it! It was special, it was his smile! He cackled when Dazai tried to wrestle their way out of his grip, to no avail.

“Ouch Chuuya!” Dazai wailed and touched his cheeks where Chuuya had his hands. His vision swam for some seconds but he got a hold of himself.

“Oh f*ck I forgot that. He quickly apologized and made his next statement clear, “I want revenge!” He grumbled, he could have also yelled he wasn’t sure, his ears felt as if they were filled with cotton, but he was sure he wanted revenge! That bastard wasn’t going anywhere before they had drunk a cup themself!

“Okay LET'S GO!” Mark marveled and the second round began, with other people at the table now, only Chuuya and Dazai remained from the round before.

This time it felt like fate was on Chuuya’s side because Dazai was the one who had to drink the cup, everyone in reach cheered for them while he swallowed the drink, facing the crowd with his back.

“That’s awful, what drink did you pour in here?” Dazai questioned and sat down next to Chuuya, with his mask back on.

“Beer from Gin, Tequila from Margret, and Vodka from John,” Mark told them while he stretched his arms above his head.

“0/10 cannot recommend!” Dazai mumbled through a coughing fit.

Another round was played, this time Mark was the one who had to drink it and threw up after he finished the cup. Dazai moved off towards the kitchen again, he swayed with every step just like Chuuya.

“You want some water?” They asked while filling a glass with tap water, he downed it like a shot. It was funny, too funny for Chuuya because he started laughing and seemingly couldn't stop. He accepted the water and drank two full glasses, his liver must be proud of him. He breathed out and sat down on the counter with Dazai by his side, he was dressed nicely, he forgo their academia look and went for a band shirt he couldn't make out what group it was along with some black pants.

“Do you want to dance?” Chuuya asked when he heard a song that was familiar to him, he held his hand out for Dazai to take it.

“Only if you lead the way, sunshine” Sunshine, there it was again. He smiled and hopped off the counter, he didn't walk out of the kitchen, the area was as big as his room, and had enough space for some dancing. Dazai had taken the mask off, it was only them in the kitchen and rather late, most people left already, for other parties or to simply go home.

He moved stupidly fast for his tipsy brain to keep up, he stepped more often on Dazai’s feet than on the ground and almost toppled the pair over, but it was worth it. The smile that grew on Dazai’s face was worth more than the most expensive object in the world. It was dazzling, with his chipped tooth and dimples, Chuuya felt the sudden urge to press his fingers onto them, to feel them.

He didn't remember how long they danced, they made fun of each other, for the stupid moves or how they tried to sing the song, only half knowing the lyrics and slurring their words. It was amazing, lively, and really fun, to be with Dazai. He was also proud of them, how they managed to be here even with the many people.

“I cannot drive us back” The two stumbled out of the house in the early morning hours, breathless and half drunk, due to dancing so much they were slowly sobering up. Chuuya still wasn't a fan to ride his bike under the influence of alcohol.

“My place is not far from here, 15 minutes maximum. You can crash there for the night” Chuuya yawned and walked along the cobblestone path in the front yard.

“Yeah that would be ideal”

They walked side by side, halfway there Chuuya lit up a cigarette, to keep himself somehow warm. Dazai noticed and clung an arm around his shoulders, pulling the other closer. It wasn't uncomfortable, and if Chuuya had less alcohol in his blood he would have freaked out now he enjoyed the warmth spilling from Dazai’s limbs onto his.

At a red light, the two stopped, and the apartment was in sight. A cat appeared on the opposite side of the road, an orange cat. It tapped along the pavement and Chuuya realized it was Baki, his cat!

“Baki!” He yelled, making Dazai jump.

“What is Baki?” He couldn't answer because the light turned green and he dashed across the street towards his cat, he kneeled and picked her up, she obeyed and meowed but purred the moment she sensed his smell.

“This is Baki!” He turned around and shoved Baki in Dazai’s face.

“Ohhh!” He assumed Dazai was generally bad with animals but he was wrong, Dazai loved cats, they made grabby hands at the cat and Chuuya passed her securely to him.

“She's Tachi’s and my cat. Two years old loves to run away” he told him about the day Tachi and he picked her up, from the streets, and how they fed her and cared for her.

“I think ill steal you” Dazai mulled and scratched her behind the ears. “Can we take her with us?” Their eyes gleamed and Chuuya couldn't say no, he wouldn't have said no in the first place but Dazai's huge eyes made him say yes much faster.

He opened the apartment door quietly and stepped in, he hushed Dazai from being too loud and walked into his room, relieved to find it semi-clean, that would do for now. After the two changed into sleepwear, Dazai wore a shirt with a big blue fish on it, because Chuuya refused to let them sleep in their party clothes in his bed.

“Please don't break my other tooth in the morning” Was the last thing he heard from Dazai before he drifted off to sleep.

Chapter 9: feelings are overrated

Chapter Text

“Chuuya” Their bony finger poked his cheek, a surprise to Dazai it was soft and squishy. Heh, he was going to remember that fact.

Chuuya slightly stirred, and he wrapped his arms tighter around a ball of blankets. A lovely sight. Strong and noticeable muscles spammed and relaxed on his arms, a strong contrast to his soft features, almost angelic how reddish strands framed his face in the most beautiful possible way. It warmed something within Dazai, made his fingers ache with the longing desire to touch and twirl his pretty radiant strands between his fingers, letting them burn his fingers however they needed.

What? Why? NO!

Since when did this start? These thoughts? No, they wouldn’t waste time on such a monstrosity as… no he cannot even utter the word in his mind! What a crime he committed! He flung his arms around himself, for shelter. To shelter himself away from the addictive drug that was Chuuya Nakahara!

As if the predator could hear his betraying thoughts, Chuuya woke up and rubbed his eyes.

“What the hell are you doing?” He asked and leaned on his underarms to stabilize himself. He peered right into Dazai’s eyes, and they felt as if those gray eyes could read everything from them, like an open book. What a scary thought that was!

To have someone close to them who would learn what a monster Dazai was, they would leave him in the end how everyone had done it till now. No question asked, he knew that this would happen. But some hopeless part of him longed for someone he can be open with, connect and love.

They didn’t have the time and mental sanity for this right now! This moment called for a distraction! It was very urgent!

“I didn’t know you have a thing for dinosaurs?” Dazais eyes scanned the room for anything to talk about and when his eyes locked themselves on the dinosaur plushie he knew what to do!

“f*ck off, I like it and it was a gift from a friend” Chuuya mumbled into the sheets, his voice was deep and filled with morning raspiness, good Lord what a blessing it was to be a witness to such melodies! Dazai felt his cheeks ache, they were grinning, but why?

“You should smile more often like that”

A single finger touched his cheek.

He turned his head and saw Chuuya, gazing softly at him, as if they were something worth looking at. His grey eyes shone like gems and his smile, the soft turn of the corner of his lips was the most beautiful curve Dazai had ever laid his eyes upon, he told himself to take an imaginary photograph because this was something he never wanted to forget.

“Did I hurt you?” Chuuya withdrew his finger in an instant after Dazai kept his mouth shut, well every possible word couldn't find its way out of their mouth, his mind was too high up in the sky and his heart felt like honey was spilled inside of it. Too much at the same time, but it was comfortable, like a lit-up fireplace on a cold snowy day. He had to turn his head away, keep the image of Chuuya liking his smile out of his mind, and go that far to touch his face. It was weird. Unknown.

“Why should I? I have nothing to smile about” He answered solemnly, still couldn’t face Chuuya.

“But you just did! Are you happy seeing me annoyed by your antics?” Chuuya quirked an eyebrow, he reached out over Dazai’s chest to grab his chin, his hold was again soft but firm.

“Look at me” He demanded in a hushed tone, Dazai visibly gulped down and pressed his eyes closed, he shook his head.

“Please, Dazai I want to see you when I talk to you” If Dazai could he would bawl his eyes out, why was Chuuya doing that to him? Why was he so patient with him? What did he see in them that was worth the effort?

“I am not a happy person, alright? Every time you think I am happy it’s a stupid mask that I’ve been used to for over ten years!” he mustered up the courage and exploded like a bomb, it was true. Whenever he tried to feel any sort of emotion it always feels like an act, a stupid and pretentious act of faking stupid emotions and he was tired of stupid people thinking they are just like him, because they are not, they didn't go through the hardships he had to deal with at the ripe age of twelve, no they didn’t. Dazai didn’t need anyone’s empathy, it felt even more like a joke to him.

They kept staring into Chuuya’s eyes, but no sign of disgust or anger showed up in his gray eyes, nothing was portrayed in them, a talent Dazai adored in a sick way.

“Hmm what is being “happy” for you?” Chuuya inquired, his fingers still on his chin, in a loose hold, that if they wanted to leave Chuuya wouldn’t keep them here.

Now would be the best moment to retrieve, stay behind that high wall that Dazai had built up over the years, to be protected from noisy people and parents. An act that cost him more willpower than any ice performance would ever do, oh right he hadn’t even told Chuuya about that part of him. Did Chuuya not recognize him? Well, they weren’t just famous in the US back then, right?

But what would happen in the worst case? Dazai knew that getting closer to Chuuya was a…radical idea. He would even go that far as to say it was delusional because whatever desperate part in him wanted a relationship, of any sort, knew it wasn’t going to take much to make people leave. And if he was going to trust Chuuya, with such intimate parts of him, was he ready to lose all of it in an instant?

Was he ready to face his problems together with Chuuya? Was he ready to share his inner thoughts and desires, like a normal person should, and act the part? It was always hard for Dazai to keep relationships, no matter how close he got with someone at some point in his mind an alarm went off and all his worst moments came flashing back in front of his eyes as if his brain wanted to warn him what the outcome could look like.

But what about Chuuya?

What would the outcome be like with Chuuya?

Was he ready to give Chuuya a chance, he already started with the tip of the iceberg as he would like to say.

Why did he have to think about such things? Oh yeah right, it was a thing for chronically depressed people, relationships of any sort could be the reason to live or to not live any longer, it was never something in between. It was a difficult choice, a choice he didn’t want to give Chuuya. Not because he didn’t want Chuuya to be their reason to live, but what if the exact opposite happened?

Was the risk worth it? Was it going to be worth it? He was not going to find that out by himself, he knew that.

He chose to think about this at a later point, now he needed to answer Chuuya’s question or the other was going to break his nose completely.

Dazai thought for a moment very hard, what was being happy for him? He didn’t have many memories of his happy moments, and if he had any he stuffed them somewhere far deep within his mind where light didn’t reach.

“I don’t smile much, most of the time I feel…nothing. I am simply said not a happy person. Happy is so overrated in a sense because I only feel happy in so few short moments that I completely forget the next moment what that feeling actually is. Even when I’m “happy” I have the feeling that it’s fake and that I’m just trying to reenact other people’s happiness. It’s as if I never found my kind of happiness. It’s weird and complicated, sorry for being so…negative right now. I hope I don’t annoy you or anything”

Dazai mumbled, his eyes pointed at Chuuya’s mouth, it was set in a straight line, he didn’t smile or look sad. A reassuring act for Dazai because he didn’t want Chuuya to pity them and try to make him feel better about his messy emotions.

“I asked you something and you answered honestly, you don’t need to apologize” Chuuya whispered, Dazai shivered. It was new, new to be treated so patiently and with care. He knew if he looked now into Chuuya’s eyes, he would start to cry, something he did not feel comfortable with at the moment. But the tone in which Chuuya spoke and the soft touch on his chin told him that Chuuya meant it, he didn’t know what it was, but something about it felt right.

“But I think you are on the right path to finding your happiness, to be honest, I was not happy for a very long time. After all the sh*t that happened in my teen years I thought I would never feel again, the only thing I felt was anger or frustration and I let it out on others. I regret it a lot but my sister once told me that it won’t help me dwell in the past and that I should move on. I try it, I do but it’s difficult”

A silence stretched out between the two, both of them were up in their thoughts trying to come up with something to ease the situation they found themselves in. Dazai blamed himself obviously, it was always him who was able to turn a happy and comfortable morning into a therapy session.

It came so naturally to them, maybe it was the obvious loneliness in which Dazai found themselves. Of course, he wasn’t completely lonely for the last few years but since the adoption, he found a hole inside of them, maybe that was the byproduct of his mother’s absence. It definitely was, a mother is supposed to love their child and not leave it during the most vulnerable moment in its life, it caused such damage that Dazai thought at times that no one was ever going to love him ever again.

That loneliness made him so open to sob stories, open to the desire to connect with someone, find that special someone. He didn’t want to be fixed, he wanted to be understood, held, and just cared for, something that he missed during his childhood, was that too much to ask for? But that loneliness also made him prone to be open with people he shouldn’t have been open with, people who took advantage of his loneliness and made him even worse than he thought was possible.

Now with his current family, he was half that they exist because such relationships would break him during his teen years, now he had people who cared for him.

He was a loveless monster, used to being pushed aside and ignored and even worse hurt. Now after years he saw what a horrendous mother he had, the realization was probably the most painful thing he had been through. It left him in Mori’s arms sobbing like a toddler during a stormy night when he was too scared to go to the bathroom. His whole body was shocked by the impact of his emotions as if a dam broke inside of him. Nothing was ever going to be the same, and it truly was.

“But if you’re ready for it, we can try and find out together” Chuuya stared into his eyes and Dazai didn’t move his eyes from him, because this felt like a promise. Perhaps it was the worst decision of his life, to accept someone’s help because helping others meant he had to be open with them, and trust them.

But Chuuya was different, he seemed like the right person to trust. He was an open book but no page was filled, Dazai could read and read more pages but he would never learn more about him. It was strange, just like Chuuya was.

In moments like these, he was such a contrast to his usual short-tempered self. It was a beautiful contrast, it made so much sense to him, but at the same time, it left him with the urge to learn more.

What would Chuuya do in times of sadness? What did happiness look like on his face? Would his little tooth gap show? It was adorable, Dazai had to admit. What would anger look like on his soft features? Dazai was used to Chuuya being shortly irritated and cursing someone out but it never reached that limit, what did that look like?

If his eagerness wanted these questions answered, he would have to accept Chuuya’s offer.

“That would be nice. '' Dazai answered honestly and felt the corner of his lips turn up. It felt foreign but it felt right, true.

Chuuya got closer and took Dazai’s hand in his, he grabbed his pinkie and wound it around his. Then he kissed Dazai’s pinkie and looked him in the eyes. Dazai was speechless, this man surprised him every day more, and he couldn’t wait for what he was going to find out about him in the future.

“You have to kiss it too, you know? That’s a promise”

“Oh, I didn’t know Chuuya was such a romantic!” Dazai beamed all of the sudden

“Ugh shut up and do it!” They giggled but obeyed and softly kissed Chuuya’s pinkie.

“How do you feel?” Chuuya asked after Dazai laid his head on the pillow, they stared into each other's eyes, their hands were still bound together, and Dazai never felt this comfortable.

“Comfy and I’m hungry” He mumbled and patted his stomach. Chuuya smirked and moved to get up.

“You can make those French toasts again, they were heavenly” He yawned.

“Or I could just eat your pinkie”

“You could what? DAZAI NO AHHH” But it was too late because Dazai bit into his finger, this escalated into a match of pulling his hand out of Dazai’s hold which was surprisingly strong for so early in the morning.

(Chuuya won in the end with him pinning down Dazai on the mattress, and no dear reader Dazai didn’t get flustered all of a sudden, obviously not!)

“We need to be productive, Dazai!”

“But look! Wouldn’t that hat look great on me?” Chuuya sighed for the thousandth time, it was understandable though. The two were working on their project and Dazai was rather distracted. After that morning talk with Chuuya, no coherent thought was able to register itself in Dazai’s brain, everything felt like sludge.

Right now Dazai was browsing the internet and came along a cool bucket hat, it was fantastic! Dark green and it had those cool strings as if it was made for Dazai!

“Dazai please just try to focus for half an hour and then we can take a break okay?” Chuuya pleaded, he didn’t work well with someone so unfocused as Dazai at the moment, he struggled with concentrating and his lack of cigarettes made him slightly anxious.

The sun was starting to set, in winter it was normal to live most of the day in the dark. It still held a certain sadness and vibe that Dazai cannot shake off or claim did not let down his mood. Ugh, it was the welcome gift of winter: the seasonal winter depression.

“Okay, I think this calls for a smoke break” Dazai claimed all of the sudden, grabbed Chuuya’s jacket with the cigarette package, and escaped Chuuya’s threats about them being the reason why they might fail.

But that wasn’t even his fault, to begin with! What would you do if the person you like but you are still not sure what kind of liking that is, tells you in the morning hours about you both trying to find something that had been lost or not been found in your past years? As if he was a godsend. Yes, that was Chuuya for Dazai at the moment. He hugged the other’s jacket tighter around his shoulders, it was dark brown leather and it was worn out soft. It was probably his favorite piece of clothing that Chuuya opened with his so-called *pretentious* taste, but that was just Dazai’s opinion.

He took another drag of the cigarette, let its smoke fill their lungs and instantly calm him down. He knew it was bad to slacken, to give Chuuya all the hard work but his mood was not participating well with his plan on studying.

He looked over the apartment buildings and noticed what a nice view Chuuya had from his little balcony. The apartment was small but way more comfortable than any room he had ever been in.

Chuuya’s room felt like a children’s room, so lived in and cared for. His bed stood right beneath the window, giving the room a natural glow in the morning. On the wooden shelves on the opposite side was his camera equipment stacked, Dazai took some of them in his hand and even tested them out before Chuuya noticed and lunged at him for it.

They were still able to take a picture of Chuuya in a beautiful moment. Chuuya had taken his shirt off with his back towards Dazai, and good Lord was that…something. Wherever he got those muscles from, he should keep going because Chuuya’s back was going to be Dazai’s favorite part about him from now on.

Before that it was Chuuya’s eyes, the way they scrunched up when he laughed truly was a blessing. The little crinkles and the way his lips rise and reveal his little tooth gap. Ugh, Dazai could stare at him for hours; still, it wouldn’t be enough.

Well anyways!

He also owned an old desk, dark wood with little drawers on top of it, many art books lay in them, and many sketches lay in them. Humans, animals, and plants were pictured in them, a bright variety and for some reason, it made total sense to Dazai why Chuuya was so excellent at drawing animals. First of all, he loved animals, and second of all animals loved him a lot! His favorite sketch was the one from the little brown dachshund, although Dazai didn’t like dogs he had to give it to Chuuya so that he was able to portray a dog as something cute, in Dazai’s eyes.

And his bed. It was the most comfortable thing Dazai had ever laid on, and he lay in many beds. Not only the mattress was comfortable, but it was also the pillows, washing detergent, or perhaps everything at once. They didn’t remember feeling so calm and relaxed in the morning, perhaps it was also Chuuya’s presence.

Chuuya had that sort of effect on them. He calmed them down when anxiety arose or when thoughts ran around their mind as if Chuuya could press a button and turn it all off. That’s what being with Chuuya felt like, the relief after holding your breath in for too long.

Well, Dazai knew that this was not the last time he was here at Chuuya’s, if they were going to get closer, they would meet up more often, right?

“You know that was my last one” Dazai turned around as he heard the balcony door open and Chuuya walked out, huddled in a big red sweater. The weather was starting to get colder every day, well it was the time of fall slowly turning into winter.

“You want the last drags?” He offered him the cigarette.

He took it and looked at Dazai.

“I thought you only smoke when you’re stressed” He queried with an eyebrow. They knew they couldn’t tell Chuuya their feelings or not feelings for him so he pondered for a second what he should answer.

“Well, I am pretty stressed right now. I don’t know if you could tell” He chuckled.

“No way! THE Dazai-I-am-the-chillest-of-them-all is seriously stressed!” Chuuya gestured wildly with his hands, it was almost too much for Dazai’s eyes to keep up with his rapid movements.

“Ugh shut it you…nerd!” Dazai uttered but felt his mouth forming into a soft smile.

“Oh is that a smile! Did I make you smile?” Chuuya grabbed them by the shoulders and pulled them closer, Dazai shook his head not noticing how close they stood when he opened his eyes, and their heart skipped a beat.

Chuuya, close, now, he still talked. But nothing was getting to his ears as if they were stuffed with cotton.

Chuuya.

He rambled about their project, and what they needed to finish! His lips closed and opened in fast motions, his eyelashes fluttered against his soft cheeks and it created the most powerful shadow that Sazai had ever slid their eyes upon. Their freckles gleamed in the afternoon light.

Chuuya.

It was a static sound, his name, his hands still on their shoulders, the touch burned.

Chuuya.

He was breathtaking.

“Dazai? Hello, are you still there?” Chuuya waved a hand in front of his face.

Oh yeah, Chuuya! He still stood there.

“Of course, I was thinking” Dazai scratched his head because Lord he was caught staring given how Chuuya smirked at him. He knew.

“I have the feeling we won’t get anything finished today” He spoke after a short moment of silence. Dazai hummed. Well if Chuuya wanted to work so badly on their project he would have encouraged the others but he would not have done any work himself, they knew it from the exact minute Chuuya opened his laptop and typed important things or something like that.

“Wanna go somewhere?” Dazai looked at Chuuya expectantly, he grinned how he always did when he had something planned, no idea if it was good or bad.

“I’m curious, go on” Dazai leaned his body against the balcony railing and awaited Chuuya’s answer.

“I know that. Moving on I might have some bottles of beer left and a certain someone smoked all my cigarettes so I think our current situation calls for a little gas station trip”

Oh well, not what Dazai expected but at least it was better than staying here and trying to work while guilt kept gnawing in his insides.

“Okay. Well, what are we waiting for?”

After a short bike ride, and many complaints from Dazai’s side because even though they knew that driving with the bike was faster he still did not enjoy the thrill as much as Chuuya did.

“Give me a short moment to catch my breath” They heaved as they pulled the helmet off and inhaled deeply.

“Oh come on! My driving is not that bad. I have done it for eight years now” Chuuya prod his hands on his hips and tapped with his foot impatiently. The big yellow neon sign of the gas station shone in the darkness because now it was completely dark, the sun had set half an hour ago and only the dim street lanterns and shop signs bring some life into this part of the city.

“Eight years? How old are you? Twenty-four or something?” Dazai caught their breath and stared at Chuuya bewildered, weren’t they the same age? Okay, perhaps Chuuya’s height made them believe that they were the same age or even younger than them.

“Close but not really. Turning twenty-three in April, what about you? I’ve never asked” Chuuya turned around and walked into the store, Dazai hurried after him, clutching his chest where his heart was, still a little shocked from the ride.

“Uh same as you but in June” So he was older than them, interesting not something he had expected.

“Ugh don’t tell me you are a cancer” Chuuya eyed the snack aisle and turned his head as if he ate something rotten, Dazai giggled.

“No I’m a Gemini, I take it you didn’t have good experience with cancers?” Dazai walked behind Chuuya because he didn’t know where the stuff that Chuuya wanted to buy was or to begin with what he wanted to buy.

“Oh, they are a different species. Urge you to open up but then ghost you right afterward and make you question life choices you never thought about” Chuuya’s mood visibly soured. As they walked up to the cashier Dazai’s arms were packed with various snacks Chuuya had snatched off the racks and thrown them Dazai’s way as if he knew that they would catch.

“That makes 2000¥”

“Two packages of those please” Chuuya pointed at cigarette packages and bid goodbye after paying.

“Here before your nerve system breaks down” Chuuya opened the package and stuffed the cigarette into Dazai’s mouth and lit it up, too fast for their brain to follow each step. As soon as it started it ended, in a blink of an eye.

“Thanks” Dazai mumbled and put their food into the little backpack that he had carried with him with the beer bottles and now wine bottles in it.

“And now what?” He asked, he leaned back against the bike and enjoyed the smoke in his lungs. He knew that he had to stop at some point, they never saw the appeal in smoking but for some time he cannot function without them. What a mess they were, relying on nicotine for stress relief.

“I know a place,” Chuuya said and even if Dazai tried to get something out of him he didn’t relent, only made the zipper motion in front of his mouth and left Dazai on edge.

“Fine if you want to play that game!” They end up clinging to Chuuya again during the ride.

It took them only half an hour, they passed through the turbulent city parts of Yokohama, and saw the port from further away, the fresh sea air filled Dazai's lungs and it felt as if cleansed him from the inside out.

Chuuya drove at a fast speed but still had control over the machine, or else it would have been the last ride with him, Dazai thought. He was not scared of the motorbike, in reality, they felt safe with Chuuya but something about being so vulnerable with no metal surrounding you was a risk that Dazai was very aware of.

He didn’t know where that place was that Chuuya mentioned, but he had the feeling that it was worth the ride, the night sky was beautiful out on the freeway, the stars shone brightly and he could find constellations. The mountains came out of nowhere, how far away were they from Yokohama? Not that far right? What was Chuuya’s idea?

Dazai waited patiently behind Chuuya, the other’s focus was purely on the street as he sped the freeway, passing cars or trucks. It also thrilled Dazai how fast Chuuya was able to drive, the freedom of passing cars so easily made him
giggle it felt more relieving than any stupid cigarette ever could.

After another ten minutes, they found themselves on the beach, and they passed a sign on the freeway telling them that they were now in Kanagawa. Chuuya parked his bike at the closest parking lot to the beach. Green parks lay next to them and right in front of them was the beach, in its whole glory. The waves crashed against the shore in a steady rhythm.

“What do you think?” Chuuya jumped off of the bike and held his arms wide out, his grin almost blinding Dazai. They weren’t sure how or what to say. The beach was something he didn’t have the chance to see much as a child but now it felt so real. It felt as if he turned into a child again.

But his parents are not here. No one calls ‘Dazai watch out!’ or ‘Look at the crab, the ones you like so much!’. No, his parents’ voices are not here, perhaps that is also better that way. He looks around and the sun makes him crunch his eyes, nor they wouldn’t allow him to be that far away from them. Did they leave him here? No one notices a little child standing there alone with their little swimsuit on. No one bats an eye. Why was he alone? He feels tears rolling down his chin and his throat hurts, oh he screams! Why does this feel so surreal? He has never been to the beach, whose memories are those?

“Hey, Dazai! Hey, it’s alright! You don’t need to answer now just come here” Something touched him and he flinched with the touch. But he couldn’t see who it was.

“Woah there, is everything alright?” He didn’t know what to say, no it was not everything alright, nothing ever was. Something beneath him disappeared and they felt how his world shifted.

“You’re breathing way too heavily, do you hear me?” The hand was removed and he felt as if he could breathe again, but something was booming in his ears. It was too much all at once.

“Hey, I’d you hear my voice nod please” The voice was steady and deep and he nodded.

“Okay I’ll count to ten, you will breathe in and when I count down from ten you will breathe out. If you heard me nod” He nodded again.

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

He heard the waves again, the way they flooded against the shore, the water’s color he could imagine, how dark blue it was almost black in the night. He could hear people talking, more in hushed tones and actual conversations but he heard them.

Now the voice counted down.

He could smell salt, the way his nostrils filtered the sea air, and felt the way his lungs got tinier with every second that passed while exhaling. He could smell a specific scent, on himself. It was not him, they weren’t able to smell their scent, who belonged to?

Dazai didn’t remember how often he repeated what the voice told him. Not until he could see normal again. He was sitting down on the cold street, and the thing he smelled was the jacket, the green bomber jacket that Chuuya wore. The smell of citrus flooded his senses as he smelled at the neck of the jacket, and calmed him down.

“Do you like my jacket that much?” A voice snapped him out of his trance and when he looked up he saw Chuuya squatting down to be in his eyesight.

“I uhm…this usually doesn't happen, sorry ´bout that” Dazai felt his cheeks heat up.

Chuuya helped him through the panic attack, something Dazai wasn't very keen about. He was so vulnerable and breakable during a panic attack, he couldn't mask his emotions as he usually did. This was not a side he was ready to show to Chuuya, he shouldn't have to see him like that.

“Can I hug you?” Dazai nodded because yes that sounded like a good idea, he didn't remember the last time he was held after a breakdown.

Chuuya stepped closer and flung his arms around Dazai’s neck and snuggled closer so that their chests touched.

“You don’t need to apologize. I am glad that you are okay now. I was scared I might have triggered something bad, you looked horrified” Chuuya whispered against his neck.

“I…I think it did, but I don't remember it. It was as if I relived something that I have never experienced” Dazai whispered into Chuuya’s hair, he slowly placed his arms around Chuuya’s torso not entirely sure where to place them.

“Maybe it was something from a long time ago that you forgot,” Chuuya said and tightened his hold around their neck.

“I. I am still sorry that you had to see me… as that” Dazai uttered, he wasn't sure where to go with his apology, should he apologize for being an emotional wreck or that Chuuya had to go out of his way for him.

“Again you don't need to apologize. To me, helping someone during a panic attack is the bare minimum in a relationship. Also, I am kind of used to it; Tachi has asthma and used to choke badly when I smoked around him and Aku has social anxiety in school he had panic attacks as well, so don't worry, please. I am here for you” Chuuya petted his back in comfortable circles and Dazai felt even rawer than before, Chuuya was too good for them.

But he was there for them and that was the only thing Dazai needed to hear.

Chapter 10: Only he knows

Chapter Text

You can call Chuuya whatever you want, call him selfish or arrogant for not giving a f*ck what anyone says about his appearance; his tattoos, and sort of punk style. Call him a brat for always needing to have the last word during an argument or rude when he raises his voice during what you might have thought was a hostile conversation.

But you cannot call Chuuya a bad friend.

He never had many, to begin with.

During school students avoided him at all costs, and walked in circles around him after rumors of him being a member of the mafia spread through the body of students like wildfire. Even teachers feared the teen, even though he knew better than to pick a fight on school grounds.

Of course, he felt the urge to punch some sense in those stupid brains or better said bastard's faces, but he had some mental sanity left to know it was rather fruitless during school hours.

At the end of school he found himself in a group of friends, people he felt comfortable with and accepted him in any way.

It still left an aching hole in his chest where his heart was supposed to be. He felt lonely even though he was surrounded by people he liked.

Was it his fault that people saw him like that? As if he was garbage or better said something to be scared of? He was young and lonely, the worst combination that existed at this time.

First, he met Yuan and Shirase which was to be said to be a fateful meeting.

In the first months of his first year, he just roamed around the school’s floors in the hope of finding something to keep him occupied during breaks.

The canteen was a danger zone, teachers googled at him as if he had a warning sign printed on his forehead and whispers filled the haul when he passed groups of students, any student to be exact.

Because he tried to befriend different groups, the so-called famous students but those didn’t want to ruin their reputation by spending time with someone such as Chuuya. Or the band kids because Chuuya liked music but those didn’t want him either or thought they were superior to him.

What dickhe*ds they all were.

In the second term of his first year, he met Shirase and Yuan for the first time, two normal teenagers. He noticed them from afar before, or better to say he noticed Yuan from afar with her bright pink colored hair. She stood out but not in the way he did, people didn’t fear her. He took a liking to her, perhaps it was empathy.

Their first interaction was quite interesting;

Chuuya was called to the principal (what a surprise!!) for apparently hurting other students to be exact three boys the year under him. He didn’t know them and neither saw them before.

A common thing; people snitch on him because they knew his reputation, how did he get himself in such a situation again?!

It was to some part his fault, of course, because he didn’t care what anyone said about him (that’s a lie) and ignored and avoided drama at all cost.

But how could he do that if he was the center of most drama happening around there?

So when he tried to explain to the principal for the nth time that it wasn’t him and that those students were lying he was presumably suspended for three weeks.

Three whole weeks.

He was seething.

What f*cking place was that? Where teachers didn’t even try to look into the “complaints” of students and just punished innocent people based on their reputation. It didn’t help that he started to argue with the principal who was a moment closer to calling the police to take him home.

He was a hair strand away to tear the room apart, rip the ugly pictures off the wall with the principal's pretentious smile of his, and shook hands with students as if they were close friends. Or throw the chair away that he sat on during the grilling. It was uncomfortable and an ugly thing, even a blind person had better tastes.

He felt anger build up through his veins like a drug and it was a short moment before it would overtake him, consume him so that this massive anger would be the only thing noteworthy of his appearance.

Nothing else really was interesting enough about Chuuya, or that was what people liked to tell him.

His reddish hair seemed to light up with the amount of sh*t his principal tried to shove down his throat and convince him that he was the culprit. He felt his fingers twitch in irritation and he knew if it would go on for a little longer the principal wouldn’t be left unharmed.

At that exact moment, Yuan and Shirase stepped in, or rather crashed in, neither knocked nor announced their presence.

“Please, he is lying! Believe us! Saki and Akio are lying” both screeched as if their lives depended on it.

What?

That had to be a joke, like a scene from a coming-of-age movie where the manic character got rescued by their friends and all that hassle. To say it directly: it felt unreal and even more unreal to Chuuya, because why would they do that for him?

Chuuya’s brain was momentarily on shutdown mode. His brain didn’t register a single thing after that. He still tried to understand why these strangers, because those were the terms they were on at that time, tried to help a delinquent like him. Why?

His principal listened attentively to the two students. Chuuya was still speechless even when the principal removed the accusations from him.

“I thought you were talkative, ” Yuan asked when the three stepped out.

Chuuya whipped his head in her direction. She smiled timidly but her eyes spoke with a certain friendliness.

“I am. What do you want from me?” He asked and crossed his arms.

“I- Uhm we would like to befriend you…” it was said more as a question and Shirase was usually not like that, at least that was how Chuuya perceived him.

“Why?” Chuuya was annoyed at that point. It had to be a stupid joke. Was today April 1st? Because good god that had to be it, no way were the two keen on being his friend!

But they did. As it turned out both of them were rather unpopular, but not the way Chuuya was, and they also saw no problem with his “bad” reputation.

It felt unreal.

While he walked around them on eggshells, because yes he was scared that at some point it would turn out into a stupid joke, the two treated him as if they were childhood friends.

And after six months the sheep were formed. They gave themselves that name for a reason that Chuuya didn’t even understand but he didn’t want to disagree and get thrown out of their friend group.

While Chuuya only had friends at school, Yuan and Shirase knew people out of it and even from different districts. For some reason, they met up after school. Chuuya was always staying out of it and enjoyed watching things unroll before him. He was more of a listener than one who talked.

During the summer break this year their friend group transformed, and they met up in sketchy parts of Yokohama that made Chuuya’s heart drop. Muddy walls and trashed houses were not a spot where he would take his friends.

But they were his friends and they accepted him so he did the same. Soon things started to get dangerous. Because they were in gang territory. What better idea did these teens have than to form their friend group into a gang? It was all fun and games at first. At first.

Chuuya stayed with the Sheep for so long because they gave him a place to belong, but also because of that sense of duty and loyalty that they provided. Because of his reputation, they rarely dealt with any enemies, as any potential enemies were scared off by Chuuya's power.

He felt good. Better than ever before. He was appreciated and he found friends.

After the sheep were taken in by the police and his world seemed to shift, he met people again. And he knew from then on that he was going to protect them as much as he could, even if it meant that he was going to suffer in that way.

So when he met his new friends he noticed a few things. He personally never had problems dealing with panic attacks, he could count on one hand how many he had experienced so far in his life. He said himself that he was a lucky person in that case. And if he felt the sensation of panic creeping in he knew how to calm himself down.

During High school, his friend Akutagawa was struggling a lot with them. The boy was so anxious around people, and attending a big public high school showed what a bad idea that was. Gin told Chuuya back then that their brother had mental problems but how far they went the younger sibling didn’t know.

Akutagawa sat many times in the nurse's office with a handful of glucose candies and many glasses of water. The boy was sick and his parents couldn’t afford medication or at least therapy sessions. Akutagawa was also the reason the school opened a new job slot; a school counselor.

He had weekly appointments, but still, when he started to panic Chuuya knew exactly what to do.

Just like in the situation with Dazai.

He thought it was a nice idea to go for a walk at the beach, Yokohama didn’t have many beaches most of the coast was connected to the port, and swimming or walking in ship tank water was not what Chuuya was looking for.

Dazai started dissociating the second they stepped off of the motorbike. At first, Chuuya thought he was reminiscing or adoring the way the water looked. Then he started mumbling incoherent things, and when Chuuya answered him he ignored his answers. As if he wasn’t there.

An alarm went off in Chuuya’s head but he stayed calm. Observed him first before taking any steps.

He didn’t want to startle him, but still touching him scared the other. He felt guilty as soon as Dazai cringed. He was trained in dealing with panic attacks, why did he do that? He second-guessed himself for a short moment but stopped immediately as he saw Dazai losing their footing.

It happened so fast that he couldn’t even help Dazai to sit down. He tried to talk to him, calm him down but the other didn’t listen. Only when he stopped mumbling did he try to talk to him, and then he finally listened.

Chuuya’s heart raced, it felt as if he was the young senior again in high school, holding Akutagawa and counting down from 20 to calm the other.

Even when he hugged Dazai he was scared that they might feel how fast his heartbeat thrummed in his chest.

But it helped him in the very end.

The hug still surprised him, Dazai wasn’t a big fan of physical affection. Whenever Chuuya met up with his friends they hugged each other, but Dazai mostly waved from a good distance. So when he nodded to the request to be hugged he was simply surprised.

The other was still shaking in his arms, laid their head on Chuuya’s shoulder, and mumbled unnecessary apologies.

Did he never receive a hug when he felt bad before? Did he have a friend when he didn't feel like himself?

Something in Chuuya’s heart ached at that thought, what did Dazai go through to make them so scared of being vulnerable?

In no way was he trying to fix him, because heck, was that even possible? He wanted to understand them and make them believe that he was worth the so-called “hassle” of being cared for.

Because that is what friends are there for.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He mumbled against Dazai’s hair. He kneeled between their legs while Dazai spread his stupidly long legs next to his and clutched his sweater.

“No, please don’t be like that” Dazai answered and hid their head further.

Chuuya was taken aback by that. What did that even mean? He was aware that some people do not enjoy talking about a panic attack. He wanted answers to Dazai’s response.

“Like what?” He pushed, he was expecting Dazai to let go, get up, and walk away but what he didn’t expect was Dazai shaking shortly as if the question made him uncomfortable.

“As if you care. I…this is not the first time that…this happens, okay? Don’t think you know me better now or think I’m always like this, just don’t think too much about it. It is nothing talk worthy of okay? I just…forget it” He started rambling, stopped mid-sentence, gathered his words again, and rambled again.

It made no sense to Chuuya, why can’t Dazai just appreciate him as a friend? Was it so difficult to accept someone’s help? It was not like Chuuya was going to take advantage of this moment like…

Oh.

“Dazai,” He said softly because that was the only thing he could muster up at that moment.

“No stop right there, don’t move please I can’t!” Dazai clung to him with a steady grip.

“No I’m not going to, please look at me” He pleaded, he felt pathetic. Why couldn’t Dazai just do what he said, cooperate instead of working against him?

He knew Dazai was a difficult character from the beginning.

“Chuuya no, please don’t make me do that” it was worthless, but Chuuya calmed down because he felt frustrated and with this state of mind he would not get any word out of Dazai. So he breathed out and counted himself to ten. Took another breath and braced himself for a talk he had heard once before.

“Dazai, I don’t know what you’ve been through, and in no way do I want you to tell me that unless you are ready for that. But I will not try to take advantage of your vulnerability.” He felt Dazai digging his fingers into his shoulder blades, “You are allowed to be scared, happy, angry, and anything else without someone trying to backstab you. Please, believe me. You are my friend, someone dear to me and I do not hurt people who I see as my friend. I don’t know how I could convince you, could you tell me?”

He felt something in him swell up with pride. Back then Kouyou said the same thing to him after Paul left. Nothing changed between them, he didn’t go to her crying or angry to make her help him. But he had the reassurance from her that he was allowed and had the right to feel that way, that his feelings were justified even if he didn’t think that.

“Why…I-How can you be sure of that?” Dazai whispered, their voice was small and wobbly.

Chuuya wanted to shake him awake, shake some sense in his self-destructive and self-pitying brain. Where was the arrogant idiot from days prior? The one who was bragging about his wits and brains? Where did he go? Dazai didn’t deserve that, he deserved the world and Chuuya would give that to them, even if it meant that he would have to remind him a hundred times.

“I never lie. I never did and never will. We can make a pinky promise, that's what my sister and I used to do” Chuuya pondered aloud. “And even if I would take advantage of you, would I sit here with you through the aftershock? Would I listen to you ramble?”

“She did it too” was the only response he received from Dazai and alarm bells rang in his mind. Who was she? What did she do to Dazai? What impact did this “she” have on Dazai to struggle with trusting other people?

“Who is ‘she’?” He asked bewildered.

“She was someone I thought I could trust when no one else did. I thought she could help me. She didn’t. She made me miserable. I can now say this because that is what I learned over the years. I…she was the only person I had during a tough time” Dazai whispered, the puzzle pieces clicked together and Chuuya could create a bigger picture, not detailed enough but clear enough to get the message through. “She did the same thing you did, hugged me and made me believe I could trust her”

“And what happened to that trust?” That person seemed to use their trust in Dazai against him in the end. What a terrible thing to do, unbelievable in Chuuya’s eyes. He rarely had many people he could have trusted in his teen years, and even now he struggled with it. He noticed how Dazai and he were not that much different.

“She used me for her gains. She made me go through hell for her, but I trusted her. Every time this happened I reminded myself that she is a friend but now I know she wasn’t. She was a monster who didn’t see anything in me and only used me. I don’t want to do this again”

Oh sh*t.

Dazai’s voice started breaking, he sounded wounded like a little child and Chuuya could do nothing but hold him tighter.

“I…I am scared okay? Don’t you understand this? I am a total wreck because she thought I was just some stupid child she could manipulate!” Dazai nearly shouted and Chuuya started stroking his back in soft circles.

“Would it help if you tell me about her? You don’t have to” He reassured Dazai.

“No, I don’t want to. She makes me miserable. I don't want to think about her while I’m with you. She makes me a bad person” Dazai whispered and Chuuya could feel tears rolling down his neck from where Dazai had placed his face.

“You don’t have to trust me unless you are ready. You can feel distrust when you’re with me, but that’s fine. But please remember that I won’t hurt you. I am a friend and I don’t see friendships as something from me to gain something from them. I see you as a person I want to spend time with and share many memories with, with no hidden plan. Are you alright with this?”

“Can we…stop talking about it now?” Dazai asked hesitantly.

“Dazai, I want a clear answer. Are you alright with this or not?”

“That I am allowed to not trust you but believe that this friendship is true?” Dazai asked.

“Yes, now please give me an answer” Chuuya was done for today, his nerves spiked with every second that Dazai kept his mouth shut, even if he couldn’t see them he knew they were pondering.

“Yes, I am alright with this” After a long pause came Dazai’s answer.

“Okay I am going to let go now and then we’ll go to the pier over there” Chuuya warned him, just in case Dazai needed a moment for himself. He felt Dazai nodding against his neck and slowly pulled his arms off of Dazai’s back.

He didn’t know what he expected Dazai to look like, but he looked wrecked. His eyes were filled with unshed tears that he tried to cover with his bangs and his back was hunched as if to shield themselves from Chuuya.

His heart pounded in his chest, they looked just like a little child.

“I’ll go first. Take all the time you need. If you want to go home, I can give you a lift or call a taxi” Chuuya patted his jeans from where they were cramped and stood up.

“No…I want to be with you,” Dazai said, their hands on his arms gripping Chuuya’s jacket a bit too tight to be comfortable. Chuuya sighed but nodded and took off for the pier.

Well, that was…something.

Chuuya would lie if he said that he didn’t see this coming. Dazai had been in the weeks he had known them, rather open, too open to be natural. Some people were born that way, talkative and cheerful all the time. But he saw it in their eyes, the drain it took on them, the amount of willpower it took them to be with people. It wasn’t a big problem for Chuuya, he enjoyed being around people, yes he cherished his alone time but some need it more than others. Dazai seemed to be the type to need time to himself. So it was logical that after a lot of time spent with many people that he would need a moment for himself.

At least he had something around, even if it had to be with Chuuya. But would he feel better, knowing that Dazai had that sort of reaction with someone else? Perhaps with Kunikida or Atsushi, they were close friends, but a stranger? No, Chuuya felt his need to protect his friends at that moment. He wanted to be there for Dazai.

Not him alone, not only him but he felt better knowing that Dazai was around him.

He couldn’t explain it and he stuffed it down. He leaned against the railing at the pier and looked out. He searched for his cigarettes and noticed that he placed them in his jacket’s pocket. The one Dazai wore.

At that moment a single cigarette appeared in front of him. It was Dazai.

He took it with a grateful nod and lit it up.

“I’m sorry” He mumbled into the night.

“What for?” Dazai asked and exhaled the smoke. He leaned with his back against the railing, facing Chuuya.

“I shouldn’t have…forced you to open up about that thing back then” Chuuya didn’t know why he apologized. But he felt the need to do that.

“No, it was alright. Sometimes I need someone to push me. Thank you” Dazai patted his shoulder and it made him a little less worried about him.

“You know before my brother left he did the same thing” Chuuya started opening up. “My mom died and he was the oldest. He felt responsible for all of us. And then I got my diabetes diagnosis and he was simply said unable to cope. He closed himself off from us two. Made me his little project”

He felt Dazai’s eyes on him. The way they round on his face, trying to make eye contact but he kept his eyes on the dark waves. It was good white noise to the story he told them. His brother was never a good topic.

“He tried to compensate for the nonexisting mother figure. But he made it worse. He controlled us like a freak, and when I didn’t behave…well stuff went rough. He was a true dickhe*d. And my sister never stood a chance against him”

Usually when he talked about Paul rage was the only emotion he felt, at that moment he felt calm. It was new and strange but he accepted it and used the moment to show Dazai that he wasn’t alone, and was not the only person with problems.

“I did a lot of stupid stuff back then, dangerous very dangerous stuff. And it took a toll on my mental health as well. And that f*cker couldn’t deal with it. Abused the sh*t out of us and made himself the victim, the saint in that situation. He made me a ticking bomb. And when he left I exploded”

Chuuya closed his eyes for a brief moment trying to collect his thoughts and faced Dazai. He stood there with his underarms propped up on the railing and staring at him with an unexpectedly emphatic gaze.

“I don’t want your pity. I just wanted to show you that whatever you went through you change and adapt. It makes no sense to live in your past years because they are over and you are free. Whatever clutch she had on you is gone, physically I mean. And perhaps when you realize that you’ll let her go completely. You still cling to her probably because she was your source of comfort and affection for the longest time but that is over. You need to refind your true self without her. You are Dazai, only Dazai. Not Dazai and this woman.”

Chuuya flipped the cigarette away and put his hands in his sweater pockets. And turned around to lean on the railing next to Dazai.

“I didn’t know you could be so motivational. You should sign up for a motivational speaker thingy or something like that” Dazai nudged him with his elbow. At least he had some Humor left, Chuuya assumed.

“You f*cking dick. I didn’t tell you that for you to make fun of me” Even though his words were harsh he nudged Dazai back and got even an airy laugh out of them.

“I know I know. Chuuya, you need to know that I like to cover all that up with Humor. Not a good thing but it’s the easiest way” He snuggled closer to Chuuya and lay their head on top of Chuuya’s.

“It doesn’t make it better, you know” Chuuya grumbled but stayed still nonetheless. “I’m just glad that you listen and stayed”

“I’m trying to find my happiness and to trust you, I think that could go hand in hand, right?” Now it was Chuuya’s turn to chuckle. Why did he start to meet up with them again? Oh yes, they were friends.

“You are so-“

“What am I?” Dazai interrupted him the second he started to say that. He could say many things; why was he so unserious, childish, and hard to understand but the question that lingered in his mind was: Why was he, himself, so intrigued by Dazai?

But Dazai couldn’t answer that for him, he had to find the answer himself.

“Why are you so flippant in moments like these? I could talk about something horrible happening but you would still find something to brighten the moment” Chuuya explained.

“Hmm maybe because there is a hopeful part in me that doesn’t focus on the negative things at that moment. I’m the sort of person to pick a moment apart later when I’m alone and then I can be all sad and depressed about it.” Dazai sighed.

“That’s my point too. It’s a coping mechanism to not show emotions when you are around people. Try to observe it the next time you notice it, okay?” Chuuya pointed out, it started to get cold. Even with Dazai close to his side, he was only in a sweater.

“You might be right” Dazai mumbled.

“Yeah, I may be” Chuuya chuckled and stepped from the railing. “Wanna go home? I think the break is over” he held out his hand for Dazai to take.

The other stood still at the railing, looking out the water for the last time, and nodded and grabbed the offered hand. A small step in their relationship.

“Do you want me to drop you off at yours?” Chuuya asked while they walked back to his motorbike.

“No I’d rather cuddle with Baki before going home” Dazai walked next to him and Chuuya felt him gripping his hand a bit tighter.

“You can sleep over if it’s too late. I don’t mind” He suggested or else Dazai would have to walk for over half an hour in the dark or take the bus, both options made him worry, he didn’t want to leave Dazai alone right now.

“Yeah that would be good”

Chapter 11: Time off

Chapter Text

He arrived home late that day, from the trip to the beach, which was supposed to be a peaceful break from studying. But it was the complete opposite.

Dazai arrived home late that night, yes they heard Chuuya’s suggestion of him crashing at Chuuya’s for another night but he couldn't. Not because he wasn't allowed no, he couldn't, mentally.

Everything he had tried to build up fell apart the second he saw this stupid flashback of some sort, the single thought awoke shivers all over his body. It was horrible and scary, but even scarier was facing Chuuya afterward. The semi-awkward silence hung between them, one could have cut it into little pieces.

He changed his clothes and went to bed that night.

His alarm didn't wake him. They turned it off when he had laid down. So now it was exactly the time he would have his first lecture of the day; literature. He emailed Oda in advance, telling him that he was feeling sick that day. It wasn’t directly a lie so he didn’t feel as bad when he sent the email.

He was lying in bed, trying to snooze for much more time when he received an answer with Oda sending him the program of today with every extract and the sheet he would need to be prepared for the next lecture. If he would go then.

He felt tired. Not tired because he didn’t sleep enough because he surely did and even if he would not have slept enough it wouldn’t be a problem he was used to not sleeping much, a bad habit he was very familiar with.

The house was completely silent, Elise was already in school, and Yumeno too, Yosano and Ranpo were god knows where but at least not downstairs. Mori was most likely in the hospital already. That left him alone.

As he was used to.

He didn’t get up though, he pulled the bed sheets over his head and simply stayed there, with no plan for the day and no motivation to get up.

He should contact his therapist, but even that was too much.

He was tired, too tired. The silence made it better but at the same time worse. His thoughts were the death of him. Stormed him to no end and made him feel even more ashamed and childish.

Because what he did is childish. Normal people got over their mental slip up and move on as everyone should but not him. For him, it was as if their whole plan to survive crumpled to pieces. He had never met anyone willing to listen to him and made him feel things. It was usually the “oh just go to this doctor” or “try this medication” or “it’s all in your head, you’re too young to feel that way”.

So even if! Were his feelings invalid when he was younger? Did no one care about his younger self? Because now he felt like sh*t every time he fell into a depressive episode. Last time it helped him to see his friends but for this time…he wasn’t so sure.

Everyone has different coping mechanisms, sure, some work out until their brain was simply said too exhausted to function properly, and some bake food or clean the house in a frenzy, but not Dazai though. He was part of the people who isolated themselves and get “over” it by themselves and move on as if nothing happened. It was easier to ignore your problems than waste your time and mental stability on them.

He had problems he was very aware of, perhaps that was the fact why he despised going to his therapist. They told him things about themselves they already knew of, it was a matter of how they were going to change his “flaws”, for example, his self-isolation during tough times.

He felt like a little child when he sat on that stupid orange couch and the cushion on his lap while he fiddled with his fingers and told his therapist how bad he felt, and only receiving the question back “and what do you think about that?”.

No they didn’t know what to think about his stupid self-destructive habits, he wanted answers and not more questions that keep him up at night.

It was a never-ending cycle.

At some point he fell asleep and was awakened by his phone ringing a god awful amount of times. The name “Chuuya” popped up and made a blood vessel pop in his brain, exactly not what he needed right now. He let his phone ring, the never-ending tone tuned out in his mind and he ignored it, the two times Chuuya called. He fully declined when he called for a third time.

Not today.

He got up and went downstairs and was greeted with a few sniffs to his bare legs from Dogra who wiggled with her tail to say “Good morning”. He looked down at her and walked past her into the kitchen where he poured himself a glass of water and a single piece of toast. That will do for now, he thought.

After his semi-breakfast slash lunch he went back to bed, took his phone, and scrolled through Pinterest while music filled the empty corners of his room and made the silence more bearable. How much he hated days like these, where everything felt like a chore, getting up, brushing your teeth, showering and even turning around in bed felt like too much.

That was how his first day at home passed, with Dazai in their bed with the still-filled u glass of water and nothing more. In the evening Mori came in with Yumeno behind him.

“Were you at uni today?” He asked, he stood in the doorway, leaning his weight against the door, he looked exhausted, his slick back black hair was loose in the front and his tie was loosened up. His eye bags resemble a deep valley.

“No, I’m not feeling well” Dazai mumbled into their pillow. He still wore his pajama; some big sweatpants and a Pokémon shirt.

“You mean like a cold or mentally?” Mori inquired, he squinted at Dazai and he felt as if Mori knew exactly what was going on, well he met him during a horrible time and knew Dazai well, better than others.

It was fate that brought Mori and Dazai together, and Dazai was every day more thankful that he had taken him in.

“Mentally. But don’t worry. Give me a few more days and I’ll be back to normal” He reassured him.

It was his last competition. He had the feeling that this would have been his last competition from the very start. He felt weak, the weakest he had felt. Since days he hadn’t eaten a single thing, he also hadn’t seen his mom in three days and he was about to have a breakdown.

He knew the choreography, of course, he knew it. Their trainer had drilled it into their brain for months ahead.

“Dazai, here take these” she held their arm in a tight grasp and he didn’t even feel how the needle broke their skin, just the cold liquid that spread through his body.

“I don’t want to take these anymore” he had said in a quiet voice. He didn’t meet her eyes, he couldn’t.

“And why is that?” She retreated her hands and positioned them on her hips. “You didn’t complain about them this whole time and now you refuse them? You know you are nothing without them”

Her voice felt like slaps, harsh and bitter and painful. He shrieked into himself even more.

“I-I…” he tried to find words to articulate his distaste for everything, he didn’t want to do this anymore. Everything sucked and he was in the middle of it and couldn’t find a way out. How did he get here in the first place? He wanted to go home with his mother and father and just be a happy family.

“I-I!!” She mimicked and snickered at him, cringing at her words. “If you find the courage you can come and talk to me, until then suck it up”

He felt tears flooding his eyes and looked up and saw his trainer walk away, her frame was unclear due to his tears, and couldn’t take it anymore and cried. In that lonely changing room that belonged to only himself. He didn’t know when he recovered and stepped out and stood next to his trainer but he did.

He felt the stimulants kick in and his brain felt distorted. His body felt more powerful than ever before.

Today's competition was important. He was back in Japan, to be exact in Tokyo. He didn’t even know what exact competition it was, he had been trudging behind his trainer and followed her like a lost puppy the whole time from the American airport to this ice rink in Tokyo.

After half an hour it was his turn. He was the beginner in the competition today. He slid over the ice and prepared himself.

As the music started he felt his muscles burn, the all-familiar burn of not eating enough and taking more stimulants than food. His body was wearing down and he noticed everything.

The music was slow in the beginning and he tried to feel the music, be part of the music. His breath started to shorten and he felt the corner of his lips rising. The crowd was gone and only he and the ice existed. The high of the song was a violin and other strung instruments breaking out and building a beautiful melody together. It felt like freedom. Breaking free from the shackles of being held hostage, being someone else’s plaything.

It was too much and when he turned too much and fast he noticed that he lost his footing and fell hard on the ice.

NOO

Not now, he wanted to disappear but the show must go on. He only had thirty seconds left. He felt again tears forming in his eyes. He disappointed everyone. This was the end of everything.

No

This can’t be true. How was he going to face his trainer and even worse his mother? He could already feel his mother’s hand on his cheek, how hard she was going to hurt him, because he ruined them, their family.

No

He couldn’t face anyone.

How was he going to survive this?

The music stopped and the light went out, he heard the crowd cheering for him but he had to hide. No, he couldn’t do it anymore. He got off the ice and ran towards his changing room.

Where he broke down and cried.

It was all too much.

Nothing was ever going to make this failure better. Nothing could ever change this stupid mistake.

He couldn’t do it anymore.

No

No

No

So. Call him naive or impulsive. But at that moment Dazai only had one thought; To simply die. Disappear from this earth and never be seen again.

He was not going to be missed by anyone, so he didn’t feel bad when he took the cap off of a random bottle of pills he found. He poured the pills out. There were too many to keep count of them, they covered the palm of his hand, and he couldn’t see a thing through his tears.

It was all too much.

Until it wasn’t.

The next thing he remembered was him waking up, a very bright light shone directly on his face and he felt his lips being closed and dried out. He wrinkled his nose and smelled antibiotics in the air. When his eyes adjusted to the bright light he could make out a chair and a little desk on his right.

He looked down at his body and found himself in a hospital bed and an IV on his arm. Oh, he had survived.

Waking up and realizing that he was alive was stressful so he fell asleep again, he heard distant children’s voices, calling out for him.

The next time he awoke it was darker outside and the lights were dimmed.

“Dazai Osamu, can you hear me?” He tried to see who was calling out for him and noticed a young woman standing in front of him. She couldn’t have been older than thirty but her grayish hair made her look much older.

“I am not your current doctor. I oversee this station. You are in the Fujita Medical University Hospital. I am Doctor Oisin Mari. How are you feeling today?” She smiled lightly and stepped closer.

“How long did I sleep?” His mouth was drier than the desert and his throat was hurting with every word he said, he coughed and it felt like he gulped down fire.

“Not long. Only one day. Even though these pills you took weren’t dangerous even with the amount you took, they still affected your body. Your immune system was immensely low and started to eat itself. You are not allowed to eat until you have your doctor’s approval” She informed him and told him about everything that was wrong with him and how they were going to make sure that he was doing better.

“What happened to my trainer?” He had asked and the doctor's smile dropped in an instant.

“I don’t think I am allowed to tell you about that. You’d have to ask a parent of yours” She apologized and slowly stepped back towards the door.

“But I don’t have parents” Dazai simply said, it didn’t hurt to say that, it was a simple truth.

The doctor stared at him for a good second and excused herself and went out.

So he was alone again.

He tried to lift his arm and felt how heavy it was, was he ever going to be healthy again? Probably not with the number of stimulants he had been given and the little amount of food. He was a monster. A selfish and cruel monster.

He didn’t deserve to have survived.

What did this world want from him so bad that he can’t even kill himself?

Was his mother aware? Had she been visiting him? Did she cry? Was she disappointed? WHERE WAS SHE??

At that moment the door was opened by two children, wait what?

“Oh he’s awake!” One said, they had dark hair and on one side lighter hair. They were a few years old, not older than ten, and held a scary doll in their arms. The other was blond with striking blue eyes and a red dress. She giggled and closed the door behind her.

“Don’t worry we only need to hide from Sango” She giggled again and held the door tightly shut.

“Why are you here?” The dark-haired child asked and started climbing onto Dazai’s bed without any invitation.

“I took too many pills” They declared somberly.

“Oh you’re just like mommy!” The little ones cheered and giggled into their doll.

Oh well that was an interesting reaction.

“You made dad worry, you know?” The blond child told him and stepped closer to Dazai’s bed.

“Who’s your dad?” He questioned, not much-made sense to him and he wondered if it was because of him sleeping for almost two days or him snacking on too many pills. Should he pinch his skim? Was he perhaps still asleep? Did the pills have some sort of side effect and made him hallucinate?

“Your doctor! Mori Ougai! I’m Elise, his daughter and this is my sibling Yumeno! Don’t worry, they love to scare people with their dolls!” Elise smiled brightly and held her hands behind her body.

“Do they bite?” He asked the two and pointed at the little gremlin sitting on his bed, they laughed and it brought a little smile to Dazai’s cold exterior.

“No I do not!! Only if you’re mean. But you’re okay. A bit boring but that’s it” The dark-haired child, Yumeno answered and crossed their arms, and huffed.

At that moment the door opened again and in stormed a man, Dazai assumed it was Mori Ougai. He exhaled when he saw the kids with Dazai.

“There you are! Oh, excuse me, Miss! These are my children. Yumeno and Elise, what did I tell you about walking around alone?” He berated them and smiled apologetically at Dazai.

“Dazai is a he, Dad! Look at his short hair and his height. He’s way taller than any girl I’ve ever seen!” Yumeno exclaimed when Mori grabbed them beneath their armpits to heave them off of the bed.

Mori looked at Dazai, he nodded to confirm Yumeno’s comment and Mori’s eyes went wide.

“I am so sorry. Your documents say something different but I’ll remember it. Let me get these two out of here first..” Elise dodged his attempt to place her in his other arm and Mori warned her while Elise’s giggles filled the empty and silent room.

Dazai was mesmerized by the three, nothing could have prepared him for it. If someone had told him that he’d wake up from a suicide attempt and witness the beauty of having a family he would not have believed them. But he now did.

“I don’t mind the two, seriously. They can stay” Dazai interrupted Mori’s and Elise’s short game of catch and Mori nodded and let Yumeno down as well, who crawled right back onto Dazai’s bed next to his legs. They leaned against the metal railing and played with their doll and hummed a song.

“What you did there was quite a show don't you think?” Mori said after he placed a chair next to Dazai’s bed and sat down. From close up he looked exhausted like a typical doctor and part-time father. Littelwrinkles appeared on his forehead and the wrinkles on his mouth seemed to deepen with every move of his lips, his hands looked calloused and veins were visible through his pale skin. “But I’m glad you’re awake”

“What happened to my trainer?” Dazai ignored Mori’s comment and asked straight forward for answers, he needed them as fast as possible.

“She is accused of child abuse, abuse of power, and illegal ownership of drugs” Dazai’s mouth opened and his chin lay on the floor.

What?

“The emergency doctors found everything. Papers about secret and illegal stimulants, papers about your mother giving her the right of custody, and much more. Her chances seem bad, I’ll count 5-10 years of prison time for her, if not even more. I mean I haven’t sent the court the documents about your health.” Mori rubbed his stubble while explaining the situation to Dazai, who couldn’t believe his ears. Something about it made him so immensely happy but so broken at the same time he couldn’t pinpoint what he felt like.

“The fact she was accused of your attempt speaks a thousand words for itself in my opinion but that could also only be me” Elise took the initiative and snuggled close to Mori who placed her on his lap.

“What about my mother?” His voice was raw and broken, he thought he had no tears left to cry but now it felt as if someone turned the sprinkler on.

“Hmm, that's still a tough situation. Given how we cannot contact her and how she didn’t call us either we will have to take it the hard way” Mori sounded unbothered and something about that made Dazai so uneasy and angry that he balled his fists together to keep himself calm.

“What is the hard way?” He asked and felt tears well up in his eyes.

“We would have to start proceedings. What your mother does at the moment is called child neglect”

“I’m not a toddler, I'm fully aware of what my mother does to me” Dazai was furious and squinted at Mori.

“I know that you are aware. But regardless of that. You’ll stay here for a few more weeks and after that, I’d recommend a mental hospital or at least therapy sessions. You’re a child you cannot go through such times alone and by yourself” Mori looked at him, his eyes were void. As if they had seen things that took the light out of them.

“What if…I don’t want to be with my mother anymore?” Dazai asked and stared at Mori.

“You have every right to not go back to your mother, what about your father?” Mori played absentmindedly with Elise’s braid and the big red tie that bound the braid together, something about that made Dazai grind his teeth together.

“He left two years ago, he doesn't have custody of me. My parents never married” Dazai brought out through bared teeth.

“Oh, that makes the situation a bit…complicated. I will have to talk with the local youth welfare office about that. How old are you again?” Mori looked now conflicted, his eyes directed on Dazai.

“I am fourteen years old. I cannot live alone even if I had my mother's approval” Mori pursed his lips, he seemed contradicted as if he weighed his options. It made Dazai hold his breath, he didn't know why he felt hopeful.

“I will see what I can do. You will rest from now on, I will visit you sometime and then we can talk about it further. Don't worry about such things, you are a child we adults handle that '' Mori stood up and patted Dazai on the shoulder.

“Can we come to visit Dazai too?” Yumeno peaked up from where they laid on Dazai’s legs, their eyes shimmered as if this visit was the highlight of their day, it made Dazai’s heartache.

“You need to ask him, it is not my approval that you need to earn” Mori smiled down at Yumeno and took Elise by the hand. Both children turned to Dazai, who was still deep in thought about his future.

“It would be nice to see you again,” he told the two, Elise shook her hand free from Mori’s and ran towards Dazai’s side of the bed, he looked down at her, surprised and she hesitated before she took his arm and hugged it against her body.

“Elise watch out! The IV!” Mori warned but it was static noises to Dazai.

“I hope we will see each other again” She smiled brightly and it momentarily blinded Dazai.

Dazai stayed two months in the hospital, he gained weight and ate whole meals and drank enough and he was able to jog around the station without the aid of a nurse, but most importantly he learned what it meant to befriend people.

He did see Elise and Yumeno again, it was weird at first to befriend the seven-year-old Elise and four-year-old Yumeno as a teenager but it made the time in the hospital a lot more entertaining than anything else.

They sneaked behind Mori’s back in his room and did whatever they wanted to do, whether it was watching a cartoon movie with Dazai or painting their nails a different color, or using Dazai’s hair, which was getting visibly longer with that time, as a model and braiding it. They walked around the hospital grounds and sat in the indoor garden and watched birds hum. It sss the most relaxed Dazai had been in years, he didn’t remember when he felt that way before.

Not only did he befriend the two kids but also their father, Mori warmed up to him after only a handful of weeks as he noticed that Dazai wouldn't be able to go home after weeks and started to talk with him. Of course, it was awkward at first, Mori a doctor who sneaked chocolate mousse behind the nurses' back into the hospital to give it to Dazai or who rolled Dazai out of the hospital with a wheelchair hidden behind a grandma’s attire to trick the nurses so that Elise and Yumeno can go and eat ice cream with him.

Then it was Yumeno’s birthday, they turned five years old and invited Dazai. They went to a spooky cafe in Tokyo and ate loads of pastries and cake, under the watchful eyes of Mori. Yumeno didn't have many friends and was only Elise, Dazai, and Mori who tagged along. Yumeno didn't mind and still had lots of fun, even inviting Dazai home.

He didn’t go through. He was a stranger to them. Even if Yumeno called him “Brother Dazai” or told him stories about their family that he assumed wasn’t intended to leave their home. It was domestic in a sense, to be woken up by the friendly nurses in the morning and to be greeted by Yumeno and Elise when he had breakfast. Most of the time they lazed around his room, which began to be filled with photos of the three on some you could See Mori’s finger on the lens and whenever Dazai felt alone he looked at them and remembered the fun he had that day.

After two months he was moved to the upper floor, where the psychiatric section was. Nothing really changed he met new people and was diagnosed with depression and immediately prescribed medication which he obediently took.

Still the two children sneaked through the heavy doors, only when the staff called them out did they leave, with heads hung low and Mori apologizing for them.

“So how’s the situation?” Dazai asked, the four sat in the hospital cafeteria, Dazai wore a sweater Elise chose for him, it was purple with a big black ribbon in the middle of his chest. He didn’t have clothes with him and Mori was generous enough to lend him money to buy himself some clothes.

“Well, we reached out to your mother” Meoi doled his hands and looked down at them. During the months Dazai noticed what a toll the job took on the man, he learned Mori was in his late forties and that Yumeno and Elise had different mothers, Yumeno’s died and Elise’s simply left.

“Oh” His mother was a sensitive topic because he found people he can trust and the thought to go back to the US and live with his mother made him anxious. He was almost 15 and knew already that he wanted to stay.

“She will come and see you, she…was interesting. She didn’t outwardly say it but I’ll warn you nonetheless. I told her about your wish to stay in Japan but it is impossible for her, she lost her job again” Dazai gulped down, this was not good news and he saw it in front of him; him having to go back, live with his mother what a nightmare that was.

“She wouldn’t be able to earn money for you two,” Mori said matter-of-factly and wiped Yumeno’s mouth clean with a napkin.

“She supports your choice to stay,” Mori said and looked up at Dazai.

“She does?” His voice gave up, he squeaked because she was finally his mother. Someone who supported their child even if times seemed tough. Dazai’s felt his smile and stood up and hugged Mori in a tight hug.

“Woah there!” Mori chuckled and patted his back.

“I can’t believe this!” Dazai cheered and Elise and Yumeno tried to understand the situation but Dazai couldn’t through his giggles.

“Can Dazai live with us?” Yumeno licked their fingers clean from the chocolate ice cream they devoured and looked up at Mori with big eyes. Mori exchanged glances with Dazai.

“That is not my choice again. Dazai is not my child, Yumeno. We would have to talk with the youth welfare office about that” he patted their hair while Yumeno grumbled something about stupid adult things.

“You would have to go to school if you do stay here in Japan. You’d start high school soon either way so it doesn’t matter. Your mother will arrive in one week and we’ll look then” Dazai didn’t mind going to school, he was homeschooled for the last few years. It made his heart ache, he was living the life that he so longed for a few years back. It was as if his prayers were heard.

“I…this…would it be possible to stay with you?” Dazai stuttered.

“It would be if your mother gives me custody over you. In four years you turn eighteen and from then on you can do whatever you want. But if it is your choice we can see what we can do. You are very much welcome at our home” Mori smiled and it was the earnest Dazai who had seen him.

And that was how Dazai started living with his family.

“If you need anything, call me I’ll be downstairs” Mori brought him back from old memories and old days and smiled tiredly, and closed the door behind him, leaving Dazai alone again.

So the first day at home passed.

The second day started similarly, with Chuuya calling and Dazai declining every single one again.

Even texting the other to tell him that they were feeling unwell was too much.

Dazai didn’t shower for three days, he must have reeked and his room was too warm and the air felt too humid and suffocating at the same time.

In the early morning someone knocked and Dazai let them in with a hum.

“Hello” Yumeno waltzed into the room and jumped on his bed, making the mattress creak dangerously.

“Yumenooo, stop!” Yumeno crawled on all fours onto Dazai’s stomach and started tickling him. At first, it was sweet but Dazai grew irritated very fast and pushed their sibling away.

“Chill you stinky rat, I just wanted to bring you your pills. You haven’t taken them yesterday” Yumeno opened his palm and Dazai saw the very familiar antidepressant in their hand and other supplements that Mori said were mandatory to keep him healthy.

“Thanks” Dazai mumbled ashamed and turned to take the glass of water into his hand but noticed that it was empty. No, he would have to move to take them, ugh what a chore.

He pulled the blanket off of his legs and they almost gave out. When was the last time out of bed? He didn’t remember? Probably yesterday to get the glass.

With a little help from Yumeno the two slowly walked downstairs and Dazai searched in a drawer for his hormones that he had also forgotten to take. After that was finished he filled the glass up again and sat down at the dinner table.

“Are you feeling down again?” Yumeno asked, they sat down with their breakfast, two slices of Nutella toast and a glass of orange juice, yuck.

Dazai hummed in response. Yumeno nodded and ate as if nothing had happened. The child was used to him being depressed and never judged him for it. Yumeno was an interesting case from the beginning, such an open-minded and attentive child but egoistic and self-absorbed at the same time. Dazai sometimes liked to think that Yumeno was a child version of him.

“Before I forget it! Yosano left some leftover pasta in the fridge for you” Yumeno spit out between bites of toast.

“She did?” Dazai’s stomach growled at the mention of food.

“Yes! It is with crabs” It made his monotone mood brighten up a bit, she was an actual Angel, when she didn’t try to make fun of him.

He got up and warmed the pasta up while a friend of Yumeno rang the bell.

“I’ll leave now! Dad’s away but he’ll take the morning shift. He'll be back at lunch to go with me to the aquarium. Oh and if you feel good you should go upstairs f*ckuzawa needs your help” Yumeno told him while he put on his jacket and left for school with his friend.

The house was quiet again, only the sizzling of the pan was noticeable on the whole floor. Dazai sighed deeply and went upstairs to get a cigarette. He put his jacket on and opened the terrace which could be opened from the living and dining area. There stood a cushioned bench with space enough to hold three people at once, overheard with a little umbrella, there he sat down and lit his cigarette.

“You should stop smoking. Not only does it destroy your body but you also reek” through the door walked f*ckuzawa with his hands folded into the lengths of his traditional yukata. His stare was cold but his words were spoken with the worrisome tone of a distressed father. Dazai chuckled and took another drag.

“I haven’t showered in days, I don’t think it’s the cigarette’s fault” f*ckuzawa sat down next to them and said nothing, only sat there with his perfect posture and cold and pointed stare.

“So what was the matter you needed my help for?” Dazai didn’t look at the man next to him, he looked at the sun hidden by a mass of dark clouds, which was most common during autumn, and enjoyed the little sun he felt on his face.

“Nothing” the man spoke, his hands still hidden in the folds of the yukata, a rich green colored one with calming yellow stripes on the outlines.

“Mori told me about your current well-being and I thought I might occupy your brain for some time” He crossed his legs and placed his hands on his knees.

“Oh please enlighten me” Dazai joked, it felt pathetic to chuckle when he felt lonely. It was an ugly act.

“Why don’t we start with you telling me your plan for the day?” f*ckuzawa asked and turned his head to look him in the eyes. Direct eye contact with the man felt like being seen through, his perceiving eyes caught everything so it seemed.
Dazai swallowed under the harsh attention.

“My plan? It consists of lazing around, watching people’s lives on social media, and being jealous of them all because I can’t be what they are” Dazai sighed deeply.

“What are the traits they have that you don’t own?” f*ckuzawa inquired, Dazai felt like this turned quickly into a therapy session. At least f*ckuzawa didn’t ask him whether he was feeling suicidal or not and all those other important questions that therapists were required to ask when their client was in a depressive episode.

“I’m not sure. The motivation to do something, to go out all the time, or the ambition to put work into their studies” Dazai listed on his fingers, he placed the finished cigarette into the ashtray and carried on.

“Well, you could start with the basics. Talk with your friends. When was the last time you spoke to your friends?” Dazai looked away in shame, he not only ignored Chuuya but Atsushi and Kunikida as well.

“Okay you've got me there” He stood up and dusted his pants off, expecting f*ckuzawa to do the same, but the other still sat there quietly and relaxed.

“There’s no need to hurry. You said it yourself that you are about to laze around. Please tell me more about those traits” He closed his eyes and folded his hands on his lap. The perfect picture of calmness and inner peace made Dazai antsy and pissed at the same time. They clenched his jaw and bit down harshly.

“Take care of yourself. And no I don’t mean that you should pamper yourself every day. Allow yourself to feel things, and emotions no matter what kind. It is what makes us human. Our emotions lead our way of thinking or actions and if you disregard them you’ll never act upon your desires, and rather false ideas” f*ckuzawa patted the place next to him which Dazai had left a second ago. Dazai’s hold on the terrace door tightened momentarily but knew that it was fruitless to deny f*ckuzawa something.

“A friend of mine told me the same thing. To allow me to feel. But how can I do that?” Dazai sat down and bit the inside of their mouth, a nervous habit. He felt naked during this conversation, as if all layers were slowly but surely stripped away only to leave behind a raw version of himself. It made him shiver but curious as to what that version would be like.

“Surround yourself with people who make you feel good, make you feel like yourself. If you are around people with whom you put on an act you’ll never let your true emotions show, it is a natural habit of us humans, to protect us from the unknown. It is in the end the scariest part of life, the unknown” f*ckuzawa told him. Dazai thought immediately of Chuuya. Was he his true self? Was he his true self with Atsushi? Or anyone else?

The weight of putting on an act was weighing down on him for years now. It was normal for him to do that, but how would it feel to let go?

“I also think a change of environment would do you good” He voiced after a short moment of silence.

“What do you mean exactly?” Dazai arched an eyebrow at the statement. Should they go somewhere? Leave ?

“This is the home you grew up in after you had no one but yourself for years. You are now twenty-two years old and soon twenty-three. What about an apartment?” Dazai’s eyes opened a fraction, he did think about that for some time but he never really said something out loud about that.

“Don’t think I want you gone, not at all. But your room, this house holds memories that are better to be kept in the dark. Something that you own will be a good start, it will be only you and your apartment. See it as a new start” f*ckuzawa stood up and dusted his yukata off, even though there was not a single dust molecule on it.

“You’re right,” Dazai said and got up again to open the terrace door, followed by f*ckuzawa.

He could ask his classmates if they knew a place, perhaps even Chuuya knew somewhere he could live, given how he lived in the apartment complex which was frequented by mostly college students.

The day passed like the other. Dazai was in bed, his phone in one hand, and music filled their room.

“DAZAI” Loud screams woke him up from his daydreams. He sat up quickly in his bed. The sun had been setting a long time ago. The door was thrown open the light from the outside made him squint their eyes and in the doorway stood a pissed Yosano.

“You dirty little piece of sh*t! How are even able to breathe in here? Come on let’s get you into the shower first before you spread your nasty viruses all over me” Yosano gritted her teeth and stormed through his room and opened a window wide open. The cold evening wind flew into his room and made him shiver immediately.

“It’s nice to see you too, dearest cousin” Dazai chuckled and grabbed a handful of his blanket to cuddle even more in the warm material to shield themselves from the cold.

“Oh hell no. You!” She ripped the blanket off of his body onto the floor. “Get. In.the. Shower. RIGHT. NOW!” She pulled him by the ankles out of the bed and dragged him along the floor towards the bathroom while Dazai tried to cling to anything on the wall to keep them as far away from the bathroom as possible.

“You only make it more difficult! Just obey you nasty rat” Yosano hissed and took him by the nape and pulled him into the bathroom, took the key out of the keyhole, and shut the door behind her in such fast actions that Dazai wasn't even able to blink.

“‘I’ll open the door again when you are out of the shower, I'll grab you a new set of clothes”

With every piece of clothing that he put off he felt dirtier and dirtier, his hair was greasy and his skin felt as if every pore was clogged to the surface with dirt. The shower did him well. After the shower, he cleaned his face and knocked on the door to let Yosano know he was done.

The door opened a crack wide and Yosano’s hand peaked in with pants and a comfortable sweater. He put them on and stepped out.

“Now I can talk to you normally” Yosano wrinkled her nose and smiled proudly.

“Thanks” Dazai mumbled and scratched his neck.

“You don’t need to thank me. We’ve been a family for almost 7 years, and this is normal. But for the next time just call me or anyone else and don’t just dig a hole and hide in it” Yosano placed her hands on her hips and looked at him with squinted eyes. He felt even more embarrassed, even though she told him to not be.

“Next thing I want from you is to go downstairs, someone left you a folder with your notes from classes” Yosano tagged along as he went downstairs.

A big yellow folder sat there perfectly placed right in the middle of the dining table, on top of it lay a notebook. A leather-bound notebook the size of Dazai’s hand, with an elastic around it to keep it close.

He cracked the first page open and almost let it fall to the floor. They knew that handwriting, the elegant cursive and rushed writing. This was Chuuya’s handwriting. And there stood:

Dazai,
You’ve been gone for days. Please let me know if you are alright. I am worried. If I harmed you in any way please let me know. If you don’t feel like talking, write in this book and give it to me. We can use it to exchange things without our words if that makes it easier for you. I won’t keep it anytime. This is yours and yours only.
Kind regards
Chuuya

PS: we have the best presentation:)

Dazai felt his heartache and closed the book. Yosano stood beside him the whole time and watched them read.

“The notes are all from Chuuya, he handed them to Atsushi who gave them to me. The notebook was given to me directly by Chuuya. Please call the man, he was worried” Yosano patted his shoulder and Dazai didn’t know what his face told her but she smiled softly at him as if he was the most precious thing in the world. “They are good people. They wouldn’t do anything to hurt you”

“I know” Dazai gulped down and placed the notebook down.

“Do you want to come with me upstairs? Ranpo and I wanted to watch a movie together” Yosano suggested.

“Yes, please. I don’t want to be alone again”

Chapter 12: The other side

Chapter Text

He was completely fine. Absolutely.

The weather got drastically worse in the past few days. Rain terrorized Yokohama and his mood as well.

He felt drained out. Like a wrung out towel, everything was wrinkled up in an ugly way.

Work was hell and so was going to college every day, dragging his body out of eternal slumber and having to plaster on a face that he didn’t feel like at all. His nerves were a hair strand away from completely going off. Even the birds chirping which once made him calm down and focus, made him now irritated.

It made life so much worse.

The turning from autumn to winter usually excited him, the falling leaves, the sun hiding in the early morning hours and only peeking through when luck was on their side and the moon shining brighter than what it seemed like during any other season.

Sadly he wasn’t feeling like that at all.

“Next presentation would be from Chuuya Nakahara and Osamu Dazai” The professor spoke up after two classmates of Chuuya’s scrambled back from the podium to sit back down, they did a horrible job and Chuuya thought if the presentation had gone a second longer, he would have popped a blood vessel.

“Sorry Miss, Dazai isn’t here. Could we do it together another time?” It was the first excuse and the teacher asked him why Dazai wasn’t in class.

He didn’t know.

He tried to call him but that bastard didn’t pick up. If he had slept he would have woken him up, he knew what a light sleeper that bastard was. Even a single hum could wake them up.

The second call was ignored too and the third one was declined. That f*cking bastard.

He didn’t even attempt to text him. He wasn’t stupid.

The second excuse was even worse and less believable than the other.

“Dazai was sick, caught the cold the other day” The teacher raised a brow and Chuuya knew that she didn’t believe a single word he had said. He didn’t care.

He also learned how to sleep with open eyes and was a master at it after the second day Dazai wasn’t there. When the lecture stretched too long and listening to the professor felt like a task he usually talked to Dazai. They were a great distraction, always knowing what to say when Chuuya felt like falling asleep or too bored to listen.

His other fellow students didn’t speak to him much, he got along well with them. It wasn’t like he had no other friends than Dazai, no it was just simply easier to talk to someone who you have spent basically the last weeks with than with people who you would have to retell everything.

He stepped out of the lecture and was attacked by none other than Atsushi.

“Nakahara!” He called him and Chuuya turned around to see who called him by his surname.

“Yeah?” He questioned and looked at the younger man, whose smile was as blinding as the sun.

“Do you perhaps know where Dazai is? We’ve been worried and he doesn’t answer our phones! I don’t know why I am asking you but I thought that you are pretty close, given how you spend time after your lectures and Dazai posts photos of you sometimes and I don’t really know why I am saying all that…Please don’t hurt me!” Atsushi rambled without a single pause and Chuuya felt his breath shorten at the sight of Atsushi running his mouth.

“Hey! It’s okay really” Atsuhi reassured him and Chuuya had to take a breath to calm down his nerves.

“I don’t know where he is. Dazai hasn’t answered my calls either” Chuuya grumbled and moved past him, but Atsushi tapped him on the shoulder so that he couldn't move on and had to look back.

“What is it?” He knew he shouldn’t be so hard on the man, he was worried about his friend, just like himself. Maybe it was the fact that people thought they were close enough that Dazai opened up to him and let him in on his thoughts that made him that grumpy. Ha, what a funny thing to think!

“Some friends and I are planning to visit him, would you like to come with us?” Atsushi looked down on the ground and shuffled his feet in a visibly anxious way.

Should he? Given the fact that Dazai had been ignoring him when he tried to reach out it felt wrong. What if the other didn’t want him there? He tried to put himself in Dazai’s position, was that even possible, He asked himself.

Dazai was carrying around issues and embodied the definition of someone who desperately needed friends at the moment. But was he the right person for him right now?

No, he wasn’t.

The realization made him gulp down a bitter taste in his mouth. It felt horrible. He had always been the friend who people went to when they needed help, he was not a judgmental person either, that was a trait people appreciated about him.

But now it felt wrong, amiss that a person he cared about, because he f*cking did care about the lanky bastard, didn’t reach out. Was he not good enough?

No matter how much they angered him or tried to rile him up, Chuuya cared about Dazai.

Even if he knew that it was going to take time for Dazai to open up, he was impatient. What was he doing at the moment? Was he lonely? Why did he not reach out to his friends? He didn’t answer any calls, neither from Chuuya or Atushi’s.

If they wanted to talk with Chuuya he would’ve called him back or sent him at least a text saying that he was doing fine or else.

So he came to the conclusion that no, he really wasn’t needed right now.

“No I won’t. If you end up going, tell him to call me back” He didn’t say anything else and left.

The rest of the day was pure pressure for him. In the classes that he shared with Dazai every teacher had asked him about their whereabouts, as if he knew that!

He always answered with a simple “I don’t know” and attempted to ignore the curious looks of his fellow students. At some point he glared back and was met with sudden head turns.

“So you are stressed because your friend doesn’t reach out because they are feeling unwell. How are you so sure of that?” He was sitting at the back door of the restaurant he works at. In one hand he held a cigarette and the other was under his chin, supporting his heavy head. He glared at the trash bin as if it had offended him. The world was so unjust.

The moon shone down on him and Kyouka and the windy sea breeze made goosebumps appear around his neck.

The moon has always made him melancholic. It was the time of the day where darkness overlooked cities and the people in it and the quiet that came with it. The time during the day where most people rest and lay in their most vulnerable position.

The moonlight made him feel as if the moon shone only for him. As if he was chosen by the bright light in the sky to be something special, something he had never been. It made his heart ache whenever he sat in front of his window and watched the moon just resting between dark clouds, looking so graceful and lonely at the same time. He wished he could go there and shovel a hole for himself and look down on the earth and watch people move on. Because no one would care if he was gone, right?

It was much easier for him to open up. He didn’t mind talking about his feelings, even though he wasn’t so sure if he was actually feeling them himself. Sometimes it felt as if he was feeling something but he couldn’t put a word to it, nor describe the feeling. It felt wrong to describe him as an emotional person.

Because he can’t be emotional, if he wasn’t feeling anything and just put names on some emotions and called it a day.

“I just know it, Kyouka. It’s not like they are such a mysterious riddle to pick apart. Even if people say that they seem like such a mystery and all that sh*t, I just know that they are holed up at home” Kyouka raised an eyebrow at him, her sharp eyes seemed to recognise more from that statement then it was intended to.

“What?” He noticed her staring and glared at her but she simply looked at him, a big question lay between them, sadly he didn’t know which one.

“You care about your friend”

“Yeah, no sh*t. Who doesn’t??” He asked bewildered. Caring about someone is the bare minimum in a friendship when you know the other person is going through some struggles.

Not even that, even if the person is happy you simply care about that someone. Care was universal to him, no matter what his friends went through he cared about them. In happy moments he appreciated them and cared about them through supporting them in any way possible and in sad moments he was worried about them and always tried to make it clear that he was there for them.

Was that not like the principle of a relationship?

“Maybe try to be less offensive with your support. Some people are not used to people offering help, try to make a small gesture. Something that shows that you are there for them, instead of being in their space” She thought out loud and looked away from him in deep thought.

She was a young woman, probably not even 20 but had the emotional intelligence of a much wiser person. Or maybe Chuuya didn’t have someone to compare her to, not him he was sure of that.

“Tell me More” he inquired and took a drag.

“I remember when my parents died that my aunt was ready to adopt me and raise me and give me everything I wished for. But the only thing I wished for was to get my parents back. Of course she couldn’t do that and I knew that too. She was crowding me in, with every sweet and genuine gesture known to mankind but I couldn’t accept it. Not because I didn’t want to, it was more like I didn’t know how to accept the love she had for me and I was unsure if I was deserving of it”

She told him. She had told him about her parent’s death soon after they started working together and it had surprised him how well and mature she had talked about the tragic event.

She was strong and such an inspiring person that he was jealous of her.

“She soon noticed that openly offering me help didn’t make the loss better but in reality much worse. So she grabbed a white board and started writing little notes on the board and everyday I woke up and saw them. It was nice to know that I can tell her things without being face to face with her, because I knew that I wouldn’t have opened up to her if I talked with her in person” She looked in the distance for a moment as if she saw the white board right in front of her. Her gaze was soft and the corners of her mouth curved up so ever slightly when she talked about her family.

“And no I don’t suggest you buy a white board for them to write on, maybe a little notebook will be enough, that they can keep to be sure of that nothing will ever be seen by someone they don’t want to know about their struggles” She smiled and patted him one the shoulder, stepping through the back door into the restaurant.

He couldn’t even thank her but it was the best advice he had ever heard. It all made sense, Dazai not wanting to see him cry or him closing himself off right now, thinking that Chuuya was going to take advantage of his emotions and the memories of his trainer. He was scared of being vulnerable around him.

The rest of the shift turned out to be much better. The customers were respectful and tipped well.

In his mind he planned on what to do about Dazai and it angered him much more than it should that he was thinking about him.

Why was it that everything was about Dazai?

Not like he was thinking about him the whole time but since the other shut himself off his mind wandered around and replayed their last conversations. How wrecked the other had looked while he packed his stuff and left for his own home instead of staying.

What happened to Dazai that made him so anxious and wary about his feelings?

Chuuya knew that some people couldn’t deal with their emotions. Heck he was actually the best example for that. Whenever he felt emotional it was always anger. As if the only emotion he felt was irritability. It made people scared of him when he was younger. Most people didn’t dare to talk to him nor look at him.

It made him too self aware and insecure about the way he portrayed his feelings till this day.

He docked out of the restaurant and went home. He lit up a cigarette and put in his earphones, a jazzy French song was playing and he cracked his neck to get a glimpse of the dark sky. It wasn’t often that he took the late shift but today he was feeling restless and thought it might occupy his mind.

“I’m home!” He called out when he opened his apartment door, even if the clock showed that it was almost 1am he knew that Tachi wasn’t asleep. He let his keys fall into the little bowl they placed on the little wooden panel beneath the mirror next to the door and slipped out of his shoes. He touched his neck and cracked it in every direction possible, he felt the tension leave with every movement.

“Good evening!” Tachi yelled from the balcony. Chuuya walked past the couch in the living room to get to his own room and let himself stay on his bed for a good second. He breathed in and out and felt the fatigue get a hold of him. He changed into comfortable jogging shorts and a white tank top and walked towards the balcony. On the way there he grabbed a sweatshirt that was way too big on him, it was probably Tachi’s and opened the sliding door.

He was greeted with the distinctive smell of weed. God damn, he wasn’t the only one who had a sh*tty day.

“Mind if I join you?” He asked his roommate. Tachi sat on the little folding chair that they kept with the little camping table, his eyes were reddish and his smile was lazy.

“Of course man, you’re always welcome” His words sounded slurred and he pointed finger guns at him, he was gone.

“Had a tough day?” Chuuya sat opposite of him and gestured to Tachi to pass him the joint. The other didn’t hesitate and gave it to him and sighed deeply.

“I don’t know man. Life has been so stressful recently I just needed something to relax. I would usually call Gin but they’re out with Higuchi. On a date apparently” Tachi made big eyes while he talked about the date, it was well known in the friend group that Tachi had a crush on Gin but never confessed his feelings and now that Gin was dating Higuchi he was heartbroken.

“I am obviously happy for them, don't get me wrong. I am Gin’s #1 supporter but it sucks to see the person you loved so much being in love with someone else. It makes me feel so unlovable. And now that even Akutagawa has someone special it makes everything so much worse. It’s like I can’t move on from that one person while everyone is one step…no five steps ahead of me” he let his head sink and closed his eyes.

“What am I doing wrong, Chuuya?” He lifted his head up and his eyes portrayed pure sadness. Chuuya couldn’t answer though.

“It sucks. I don’t want to have an answer please! It was rhetorical. But it sucks. Why can’t I be in love? Why can’t Someone love me?” He looked up at the sky and the stars shone bright in his eyes.

“You know that I love you, right?” Chuuya put out the joint in the rancid ashtray that they’ve had since they moved in together and put his feet up on the little table.

“But it’s different. I want someone to come home to me and be excited that they see me. That someone is interested in every single thing I do or say and enjoy my presence. I don’t know it’s different” Tachi scratched his chin lazily.

“But I am excited to see you every time I come home. That’s why I let you move in. You are perfect for me, man. Imagine I would’ve ended up with Aku. I would hear a handful about my non existing tea opinions or how full or untidy my room is. I would be ticked off because the man doesn’t talk when someone doesn’t start a conversation. I need you around me. You are the best roommate I could imagine” He laid his hand on Tachi’s shoulder and shook him a little bit.

“Whenever I feel like I need someone I know that I can just walk in your room and have a talk. Because you don’t judge me. You saw me at my worst and would still see me for who I am. No matter how pissed I am and angry you know how to cool me down and I am more than thankful! I love you man in every way possible” Chuuya said and stared into Tachi’s eyes. The man himself was too insecure from time to time and needed pep talks. And Chuuya was more than happy to give them to him.

“Bro stop or I’ll actually cry this time. IT'S NOT FUNNY DON'T LAUGH AT ME!” Tachi slapped Chuuya’s hand away but Chuuya couldn’t keep it to himself and started to laugh. The kind where tears form at the corner of your eyes and your belly hurts.

“It’s just so wholesome to see you in a state like this,” Chuuya laughed.

“And now you make fun of me! Great!” Tachi threw his hands in the air and gestured wildly around. It made Chuuya laugh even more.

“No but seriously! f*ck love! I swear to god, at the moment I appreciate my friendships a lot more than actual romantic relationships and it’s great. I’ve never been so self centered than right now and I enjoy it. I look after myself much more than before and put myself first. It helped me a lot. There were times in which I was so focused on going on dates that I completely forgot about myself and neglected my own needs. I’ll never make that mistake again” Chuuya said and stretched his arms. It was getting late and these kinds of conversations were best held while sober and during the day.

“I know I love my friends. I would walk through fire for them but it gets lonely from time to time, you know that feeling?” Tachi murmured and opened the water bottle that he had placed next to his chair.

“Sure I know this feeling. But I think when you really start to appreciate your friendships you won’t feel this urgent need to be in a romantic relationship. And if! You never know what will happen in the future! Perhaps tomorrow you’ll walk home and meet the love of your life! It’s funny and exciting. Love is exciting and so is life!” Chuuya was in a good mood after the few drags and threw his hands in the air.

“Are you high? What happened with grumpy Chuuya?” Tachi raised an eyebrow and drank a few gulps from the water bottle.

“What? You don’t enjoy my presence? Oh my! What a bad, bad friend I have. Perhaps I should let Aku move in” Tachi laughed out loud.

“As If you would survive that! You would pester me the whole time I just know that” He sat up straight in the chair and started imitating Chuuya’s voice “ Tachi!! Help me! The Emo started brewing tea and buying kilos of figs! I don’t know if I can handle another hour of my chemical romance anymore!”

“I WOULD NEVER SOUND LIKE THAT!” Chuuya slapped his shoulder and the other threw his head back and laughed.

“Don’t act like you wouldn’t miss me too! You would starve to death! Because you don’t earn as much money as I do! And you’d only survive on instant ramen” Chuuya said and crossed his arms proudly.

“Touché!” Tachi said and moved his short hair back.

“Shut up!” Chuuya gritted through his teeth but there was no malice behind it, only a huge smile.

“Anyways now that we are done talking about my state of mind. What about you, mister? What brought you out here? I saw you taking the Night Shift so there must be something that keeps you up at nights” Tachi sighed and put his hands behind his head.

“Ugh, and here I thought I might get away without being noticed” Chuuya grumbled and started picking his nails.

“Nu huh! Not in this household!” Tachi waggled his finger and it made Chuuya giggle.

It was nice. Having someone like Tachi around. They didn’t talk like this often. Mostly when Tachi was smoking weed, then they started to open up about their problems. But when they did they would say anything that comes to their mind. Afterwards they always felt much better as if a weight was lifted from their shoulders. It had been like this since they moved together. A silent pact between them.

“It’s Dazai” And Tachi sighed deeply.

“What? I didn't say a thing?” Chuuya got defensive.

“I don’t know man. They are everywhere since you two are close. Not that I hate him. It’s not that. But he has something about himself that I don’t trust 100 percent” Tachi fumbled in his jeans pocket and got out a pack of cigarettes. He took one in his mouth and offered the other to Chuuya. He lit it up and rubbed his temple.

“Dazai is complicated. But I think that’s why I like him. He’s interesting and he can keep up with me. He doesn’t judge and they are much more comfortable when you are alone with them” Chuuya was deep in thought and noticed that he was staring off into the distance. He heard Tachi hum as a response. He continued.

“He is also very sensitive in terms of his emotions. He closes himself off whenever he shows a “little bit too much” of himself. Just like at the moment. Kyouka gave me an idea earlier that I quite like” He made quotation marks with his fingers and Tachi nodded.

“Enlighten me” He encouraged Chuuya.

“A book. Whenever he feels uncomfortable talking with me about his feelings he will write in this book. So that we can communicate but not face to face, he will notice that he can trust me through baby steps” Chuuya couldn’t repeat it the same way Kyouka did earlier, it sounded much more smarter and mature but Tachi would get the point.

“Y’all sound like an old married couple. I can’t stand you” Tachi grabbed his nose bridge and closed his eyes.

“That is not true don’t do that to me” Chuuya cried out loud and stared at Tachi bewildered.

“I’m not saying that Dazai is not attractive I mean have you seen them-“

“NO I DON'T NEED TO HEAR IT FROM YOU TOO GOSH NO-“

“Excuse me it’s almost 2am could you please shut your goddamn mouths and let us sleep!” A voice from a few apartments up ahead called out.

“Sorry!!” Both boys excused themselves in unison.

“And please for the love of god. Ask him out!!”

“HAH WHAT DID I TELL YOU?” Tachi pointed a finger at him.

“NO PLEASE OH MY GOD!” Chuuya couldn’t believe it and covered his face while his neighbors screamed at them to shut up while Tachi giggled like a love struck schoolgirl.

Chapter 13: Whatever the middle thing between baby steps and giant steps are

Chapter Text

It was raining on the day Dazai and Chuuya talked again. It wasnt the strong kind where one rain drop felt like a bullet shot from a gun but more like the melancholic kind where the clouds were every kind of grey and not a single soul would go outside. The sky would cast dark clouds, as dark as the colour of a raven’s feather, and the trees would gloom over someone as they had grown many feet in a short time.

It had been a week in total. A week of radiosilence between Dazai and his friends. Or better said semi-silence. After the conversation he had with f*ckuzawa, they noticed what to do, and it didnt include hiding.

So he watched the movie with Yosano and Ranpo, who spoiled the ending during the first minutes of the movie, he fell asleep and was painted on as a punishment. The mustache looked manly, said Yosano and was chased in the morning through the whole house. f*ckuzawa had to step in or Ranpo would have thrashed everything with his horrible coordination skills.

Yosano was kind enough to help him afterwards with the message. He sent a message to the groupchat between him, Kunikida and Atsushi, a superficial message that said that he didn't feel well this whole week, he would be back by the next week. The two man had contacted them, asking him if it would be fine if they come by, but Dazai didnt respond to those questions and rather asked how uni was for them or if something had happened that might have interested him.

Yosano proofread the message and reassured him that that was the most mature thing he ever did. It made him proud, knowing that he had people around him who cared and gave him the firm and last push that he needed. Yeah, she did make fun of him for every little thing but she would never let Dazai think, he was alone. Dazai couldn't put into words how grateful they were to have someone like Yosano.

Dear Reader, he was still Dazai though…so he threw his phone across his room. What if they didnt believe him? Or even worse would tell him to stay right at home and never see them again? Many possible reactions came to Dazai’s mind, sadly none with a positive outcome.

Yosano’s advice had helped him for the moment he typed and sent the message but did not ease his anxieties about the aftermath. He also couldn’t go upstairs and crash into her room because it was late into night, when he in fact wrote the message hours ago.

So he waited for a few minutes, their worries grew more and more and he felt his fingers fidgeting around so he searched for the pack of cigarettes in his jacket that was slowly but surely turning into his ‘smoker jacket’. It was an old grey jacket that he found at a second hand shop in town, it had many little pockets where he hid away the lighters and the pockets were embroidered with golden thread.

Dazai stood up from his bed and moved to his desk stool where the jacket was thrown over, he patted down the jacket and felt the well-known box and took it out.
It didnt surprise him that it was empty, little tobacco pieces lay on the floor, basically mocking him and he sighed deeply. Well, now he had to go out, right?

They changed their pants from the colourful sleep pants to baggy jeans and put his very worn out converse on and left silently through the door, while trying to make as little noises as possible.

No one was still awake. It was deep in the night, the dark night sky looked beautiful with its stars and the moon shining so bright tonight, it wasnt even a full moon. He plugged in his earphones and listened to music while he made their way to the next gas station. It wasn't far away so he took the time to relinquish in the cold and breezy night air, it felt freeing in a sense.

The song that filled his ears was one recommended by Chuuya, a slow but beautiful song. It made sense why Chuuya sent it to him. It was packed with emotions that made one feel like they were held tight in a warm blanket while their insides were being ripped open. It was raw and simply breathtaking.

When Dazai sighted the gas station he plugged their earphones out and stuffed them in his pocket. He grabbed his wallet and held it closely in his hands. Eventhough he was an adult, speaking up to strangers was difficult. The thought made him uneasy, the eye contact and pretentious politeness was exhausting for him. But if he wouldnt do that people would think different about him. So no, he didnt have any other chance and plastered on a polite smile and walked towards the cashier.

“One pack of these cigarettes right here” They pointed towards the familiar package and took their credit card out ready to pay. “Anything else, handsome?” The older lady winked at him while she scanned the product and Dazai pondered for a second and took some chewing gums with him. With the cigarettes he sat down on the pavement next to it and opened the package. They knew that they smoked too much, but it was inevitable.

He never saw the appeal in them. People who smoked reeked off of it and had bad breath and teeth.

So what had changed his mind?

He could give many answers but the thought made him ashamed of himself.

It was simply another form of self-harm. It harmed him from the inside out and gnawed at his brain in the most stressful moments. When he did smoke the stress and all of it was gone.

How disgusting. And here he was. He thought he had stopped with it. The self-harm but it just came back at him.

He grimaced and pressed his eyes close for a second.

He took one cigarette out and lit it up. Dazai breathed in the smoke and glanced towards the side. He remembered immediately the time when he met Chuuya at the exact same gas station awhile ago. The way Chuuya fell down with Dogra on top of him, his smile and ruffled hair and most importantly his laughter.

It was devastaingly gorgeous.

Dazai had never heard anything of the sorts.

It was loud and annoying, cheerful and hideous, boisterous and infectious, it sounded like bird was being strangeld or a pig pushed too hard, it was a weird noise. But it was so Chuuya and Dazai would give anything to hear it again.

His heart ached for the sound of his dear friend. He missed Chuuya and the realisation was painful even. Dazai felt tears prickling at his eyes and sniffed, to keep them in. It was all so so much. They wished to be normal like everyone else; to be open about himself like everyone and not having to hide at the very first occurrence of his stupid feelings, to feel free about himself and having to hide himself.

His true self started to unravel with Chuuya by his side, if nothing would have happened between them then he knew for sure that he would have spilled his whole heart out to the man, because Chuuya gave him from the very beginning a sense of security. Dazai himself was a victim of the very being that was Chuuya. He pulled them in with very little and had Dazai in a chokehold. It felt suffocating. Chuuya was the most trustful person he knew.

He sat there for a while, the fact that he was crying didn't disturb him. It felt good and he even whispered to himself the words “I missed you”. Becaus when he would see Chuuya again he was going to tell him, it was the least he could do. He would write it in their book too to make Chuuya see how much Dazai appreciated him. He would tell Chuuya a thousand times that they missed him, if that’s what he needed to hear after Dazai’s sudden disappearance. He would paint it on his wall, tattoo it on his skin or scream it through a megaphone that he dearly missed him.

Dark clouds tormented Yokohama and Dazai stayed in their room the weekend before he would go to uni again. One evening he felt too restless and brew himself a coffee, because the drink didn't keep him awake, in contrast it made him much more sleepy. He could ask Mori what the cause for that might be, if they see Mori in near future.

With the drink in hand and a comfortable sweater and his checkered boxer shorts (his favorite) he said on his bed and stared around him, they sometimes lose focus on their surroundings.

One whole wall was covered in a colurful landscape but they lost their appreciation for it. That evening they started covering it in white. When they woke up on Sunday they started to pick out random colours and brushes and just went for it. Music blasted through his speakers and the coffee mugs pilled on his desk and night stand. But it felt great. The music, he let it run through them and awaken his creativity. Spurts of motivation overcame him and he felt whole. As if that was the missing puzzle piece all along. It was as if the wall was able to speak to him, telling them what it needed to feel whole again and Dazai was listening attentively.

A lot of reds and blues covered his wall without a coherent pattern. They had enough time to think about that.

When he awoke on Monday their room smelled like a studio. The smell of acrylic colour wound around his senses and he put on a decent outfit. He opted for a light brown dress shirt with a black vest and grey baggy pants. They put their old converse on and grabbed an umbrella in case it would start to rain.

Autumn was a rainy season in Yokohama, the sun was still out most of the time. The humidity made Dazai uncomfortable most of the time, so they thought loose clothes would be suit best.

They took the bus on Monday. He had time to himself before the lectures and read a book on the way while listening to music. It calmed him down.

It was a 20 minute ride and not many people take it so early so it was pretty vacant. He helped an old lady out of the bus and took a deep breath. He could see the building from the bus stop and something inside his stomach made an ugly jump at the thought to see all of his friends again after that horrible week of silence.

Although Atsushi and Kunikida had complete empathy for him he felt as if they were hiding something from him. Deep down they might hate him but act as if they were fine with it.

He had some time left before the first lecture started and took out the cigarettes, there was a specific smoking area on the campus and they zipped their jacket close while walking to it.

They turned the corner and saw Oda there, Dazai could only see his back but they knew the man well enough, with his tall build, his brown reddish hair and the familiar beige jacket he had worn since the start of the semester. Next to him stood a tall dark haired man with glasses. Oda fixed his glasses and the man leaned in close and kissed his cheek in return. Oda turned around when he heard footsteps and smiled softly at Dazai and waved him over.

“Good Morning, Dazai. I havent seen you for some time” Oda greeted him and took a drag of his own cigarette. The man beside him scrunched his nose and crossed his arms infront of his chest.

“Oh my! Where are my manners…Well, Ango this is Dazai; a literary genius and Dazai this is Ango my fiance” Oda shook his head in shame and placed his arm behind Ango, who held out his hand towards Dazai.

“So I dont get an extra introduction? You could have said; Ango, the best law prof worldwide?” Ango smirked at Oda who spotted a light blush but nonetheless chuckled at his fiance’s remark.

“I think you know that too well and didn't have to include that, but if it hurt your ego too much I will keep it in mind” Oda chuckled behind his hand.

“Its a pleasure meeting you. I have heard a lot about you, but I'm glad to be able to meet you in person. About my last week’s whereabouts…let's say I've been not doing well” Dazai smiled politely at Ango and shook his hands firmly.

“Ah yes I saw your message. You can talk to me anytime you want really I don't mind.” Oda’s face morphed into one of confusion and he patted Dazai’s shoulder. It warmed their heart to be so openly cared for. Why had he been so blind to it all before? What had changed in the past few weeks?

“I uhm…have mental problems. I just needed a week off. It hopefully won't happen again but I’m here now!” Dazai tried to turn the conversation away from him but given how concerned Oda AND Ango looked at him he had the feeling they had done the exact opposite.

“You dont have to tell us anything, but we appreciate it, truthfully. It takes a lot for someone to open up about such a topic. In many families mentall issues are a forbidden topic, because they don't know better and most parents think that when their kid asks for a therapist that they did something wrong. Most times that's the case but parents are simply scared of them being unjust. They always try to do everything right and when they are confronted with the thought that they did something wrong they hide” Ango said, he placed his fingers beneath his chin as if he was deep in thought. The man was well spoken and Dazai immediately took a liking to him.

“I am utterly sorry if I overstepped here. We haven't seen each other before and five minutes into knowing each other I started rambling, oh gosh” Ango startled as if someone scared him and apologised earnestly. Dazai felt the corners of their lips turn up.

“You didn't overstep at all. If you were wrong I would have said something. But everything you just said was the truth” Dazai reassured the man before he would dug his own grave.

“It’s different with me. I am adopted and my adoptive father is a doctor. He actually sent me to therapy. It goes well so far but I needed the time off” Dazai blurred out. He wasnt scared though. The story of his adoption had always made him proud, to be free of the shackles of his past. The couple had a horrible aura around them. Like a warm embrace, as if he could spill his guts out and the two wouldn’t look away and rather comfort him. Something deep down in him told him to end this now, but Oda and Ango stood there as if they would talk about the weather and not his mentall problems. It baffled him and he felt his mouth form a small but true smile.

“Many more people should go to therapy but it is still seen as a weakness, what a shame” Oda mumbled loud enough for the two listeners to hear him and threw his cigarette away into the ashtray.
“But I am glad to hear that you know better and actually go and see someone. Even if you go there, everyone needs sometimes a break. We are only human.” Ango said and frowned again, you could see the wheels turning in his head. All at once. When Oda spoke up next the man was startled again.

“As I said if you need someone to talk to you can come to me anytime you want, if you have a break or just for the thrill of a debate about a book, trust me you're very welcome” Oda looked straight into his eyes and it felt as if they formed a silent bond.

“You can also come and see me anytime you want. My schedule is a tad more messy than Oda’s, because i am not a literature professor who has more brekas than lecvtrues-”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Asked Oda in fake hurt. Ango slapped him lightly on his shoulder.

“But when I have a break it's usually a long one. My room is down the hallway from Oda’s on the right side” Ango turned his head and smiled at Oda, who smiled even brighter than before and Dazai could only shyly nod. These two were IN love. He had never seen this type of love, it printed itself in his body; a craving. They had seen people dating and they were never like this, perhaps in the beginning what some call the ´honeymoon phase´but these two had been together a handful of years and still seem like they had met yesterday.

“Where’s your partner by the way? I would have thought that you would greet him first” Dazai was baffled…did he mean Chuuya?

“Who are you talking about?” They asked Oda. But he only raised an eyebrow as if he would say `You know exactly who I'm talking about``

“The smaller one, probably one head below us, red hair, drives a motorcycle and scares the newcomers everyday” Ango added, did they all of the sudden shared a brain? Dazai was beyond impressed by the way they could read each others minds, they were made for each other.

“Oh! Now I get it you mean Chuuya” Dazai smiled and the name flowed from their lips like silk.

“Yes, Chuuya was his name! Photography major right?” Oda asked.

“Yup thats what he is apparently best at” Dazai allowed himself a joke, if Chuuya would have been close he would have thrown hands. Oh how he missed them being together. The useless and harmless banter.

“Oh no you are wrong. He is smarter than he looks. He actually signed first for history and then changed to photography. Souseki would have loved him in his lecture” Oda grinned and Ango sighed.

“But Souseki would take anyone. Not many people take history as a major. There has been a drastic decline in history majors. Most take medicin or the rest something artistic because those arent sure what their future looks like. No offence, darling.”

“No offence taken. It is true. If you are passionate about for example literature, art or photography, you have potential and the major shows how big that potential is. If you are still standing after the third semester you do, if you fall before you waste your time. “ Oda sighed deeply and stared at his shoes.

“I saw it myself. He is a genius when it comes to history. We talk about art history at the moment and it all just floods out of his fingers, no matter what question is asked he knows the answer.” Dazai recalled this from the first times he had studied with him.

“What? Dont tell me you are jealous?” Oda pushed his shoulders and Dazai smirked.

“Oh no, you get me wrong. I suck at history. But I'm still years ahead of him when it comes to anything else. I guess you could say I'm simply impressed.” Dazai smirked triumphant.

The conversation went on for some time, comfortable and hilarious banter from Ango and Oda about some professors and their ‘dirty secrets’. It was exactly what Dazai needed before he went to the lecture.

The first one was algebra, where they were greeted by Atsushi who waved like a maniac and Kunikda who spotted a light smile. Dazai felt himself smile and sat down next to the two.

“Hey Dazai! It’s good to see you back! We’ve missed you so much, tell them Kunikida” Atsushi would have almost toppled over the table and crawled towards Dazai to be able to hug them but he resorted to holding his hand like Dazai was a maiden in the mid 19th about to be wed.

“We did miss you. I myself a little less than Atsushi but, it’s true” The stern man pushed his glasses up his nose and drew his lips into a straight line. Dazai was about to explode, why did he ever feel so different when he had these two as friends? Bystanders would think they were insane, but he could care less.

“I am happy to be back too. I missed you guys! I mean I couldn’t do the homework so I definitely needed to get back with you or else I would fail” He giggled behind their hand while watching Kunikida’s ears turn red with anger.

“So we are only objects that you use for uni work. I knew it! He is in fact a devil!” Kunikida said to Atsushi as if Dazai wasn’t there.

“A sexy devil! It’s Halloween soon, hehe” Dazai whispered into the space between the two men. Atsushi giggled and immediately reassured Kunikda that Dazai had enough brain power left to do the work themself! Which was obviously true dear reader! Even if Dazai joked about the fact that he copied Kunikida’s work it was not true, Dazai was able to do the work in his sleep…

“Do you have plans for Halloween?” Dazai asked absentmindedly and chewed on a handful of salted nuts that he brought with him, he offered some to the two and both greedily nodded and took some.

“Not after this weekend!” Atsushi brought out with a few nuts in his mouth(I’m so sorry Atsushi) and threw Kunikida into a coughing fit. Dazai was confused, did something happened?

“I didn’t plan anything and this weekend was a perfect example why I won’t go to any club anymore” Now they were sure that something must have happened and both of the men were present. He couldn’t help but ask about it.

“Oh you don’t know? Chuuya got into a fight and fought someone into the hospital” Atsushi said in the sweetest voice known to mankind as if he was talking about the weather. Dazai’s heart froze and he had to stabilize himself on the table or else he would have run off.

“What happened??” He said and when he saw their confused faces morphing into shock he had a horrible theory why; He wasn’t supposed to know.

“I shouldn’t be the one telling you this but it started like that…”

Atsushi told the story from his point of view and after that Kunikida told his version.

Basically Chuuya and Tachihara, his roommate if Dazai remembered correctly he had never seen him when he visited Chuuya but he heard about him, asked around if people wanted to tag along to go clubbing and Atsushi forced Kunikida to go with him because his boyfriend didn’t fancy clubs(same tbh). They were there shortly before midnight and had a great time. Everyone was drunk and all of the sudden they heard screams from outside. When they rushed to the scene they saw Chuuya with a bloody nose and a blue eye on the floor with a guy sitting on top of him punching him several times. Atsushi tried to convince Dazai that he wanted to help but he didn’t get through the mass of people.

In the end he didn’t need to because Chuuya landed such a hard and deadly punch to the guy's head that he fainted and he stood up.

He fainted shortly after that as well and an ambulance was called.

“Is he here today?” Dazai asked frantically. They needed to see him.

“I guess so” Kunikida answered unsure of himself and glanced at Atsushi for reassurance who only shrugged with his shoulders.

He needed to see him.

Now.

“What lecture would he have now?” It was more a question to himself, he would know it somehow because he was good at remembering things and Chuuya’s schedule wasn’t too complex to memorize.

“We don’t know. Sorry '' Atsushi looked very sorry and Dazai reassured him quickly that it wasn’t his problem and that he shouldn't feel bad for something like that, seriously.

He excused himself quickly and stepped out of the lecture. No one really cared and the professor was not interested in their students’ doings at all so Dazai snuck out and dialed Chuuya’s number quickly. He remembered that on Mondays Chuuya always came late to uni so he only had midday or afternoon classes, that meant that he either stayed at home, slept in or studied in the library. The latter made the most sense because exams were coming up. The man was very likely in the library somewhere surrounded by mountains of books that he was too irritated to fully read. He knew him.

After the second beep, the phones connected and his heart stopped for a good second and then he heard the voice he had longed to hear for a whole week.

“What is it, Dazai?” He sounded hoarse as if he had screamed his lungs out minutes prior. No hello or hi how are you greeted him but that was fair, he would react similarly perhaps even worse. He was glad to hear his voice, so glad that he forgot that he was playing a part too in that phone call and coughed awkwardly and started rambling.

“I, ehm, I don’t need anything. I just want to know where you are right now, Chuuya? That’s it” They felt the words left unsaid on his tongue and they had to bite their tongue to keep their noisy and stupid mouth shut. Or else he would have blabbered about him wanting to see him or saying that he was happy he was safe and sound in the library and not in a hospital bed.

“In the library. What do you want?” Chuuya sounded exhausted and it made Dazai feel horrible that he was in such a sorry state right now.

He didn’t answer him and hung up. He picked up the pace and sprinted towards the library, heads turned in his direction and hushed him the second he stepped in. The shelves full of books stared at him and he searched for the well known redhead. Where was the dog? He couldn’t see him from the entrance and he walked through the isles until he noticed at the desk way in the back, where he and Chuuya had been studying weeks ago together, sat no one but Chuuya. This time alone and surrounded by books.

Dazai felt their fingertips itch and wanted to run away. Now was the best chance to do that. Chuuya was already on edge and he did at least hear Chuuya’s Voice. It could have been the last time.

~Allow yourself to feel things, and emotions no matter what kind. It is what makes us human.~

He thought back to f*ckuzawa’s words in his mind and he took all the courage they had and stepped forward.

“What do you want, Dazai?” They didn’t make a sound, but Chuuya was still able to know it was him. He sounded even worse in person and Dazai gulped down and sat down opposite of him without looking at him.

When he looked up he couldn’t say a single word. A blue eye and a bloody nose was an understatement. Chuuya looked terrible as if he had been hit by a truck more than once and then thrown off of a bridge.

“If you are only gonna stare at me you can piss off and do that at home and stalk my instagram account” He hissed and started packing his stuff and Dazai was overwhelmed. Where should he start? Was it going to suffice? Their mind was clustered and full with thoughts but none came out, it was as if his head had been underwater. Everything felt mushy and not enough and he felt time ticking away. He was drowning. His sick mind was too slow or perhaps it was too fast but it was never going to be right and suit for the moment. It was always a step ahead or behind but never present. Their thoughts felt like they were clawing at his single brain cells and trying to cling to some strings but everything was lose and disordered. It was unfair. Totally unfair.

“f*ck off” He caught Chuuya’s grey eyes, they were staring down at him from where he stood and they made him feel scrutinised. They felt small and vulnerable but not in the good way, as if Chuuya was about to lose it completely. He saw Chuuya swallowing and turning around to leave when he didn’t let out a single sound. The insult was said in the worst way possible, as if he meant it. Really meant it. To never see him again and Dazai couldn’t let that happen.

“Chuuya wait!” He called out but he was already gone and the people around him hushed him again.

He ran after him, for someone a head smaller than him he was fast and Dazai felt his breath shorten while he tried to catch up to the redhead. Was he running away from them? It seemed like it. It felt like hours were passing by, or did time stop when Chuuya looked at him with his hateful gaze? They didn’t want to know. They followed the loud and fast steps that echoed in the corridor and he sighted a glimpse of red hair and knew it was him. Chuuya took the steps downstairs and Dazai followed. After that he turned left and was out of Dazai’s sight. When he caught up to him, he was nowhere to be seen or heard. Dazai felt his nerves slowly but surely going insane.

What was happening??

He didn’t plan this. He wanted to tell Chuuya how much he cared about him, how sorry he was! What was going on? There had to be more to his reaction. He wouldn’t hold a grudge for something like ignoring someone for a week. Dazai was sure of that.

He looked around but the stone hallway was all of the sudden very cold, the walls started to close up around him and he was seven again. Alone at an ice ring with no understanding where he exactly was, with who or why. He was there but his purpose was unknown. His chest hurt. Everything was hurting. A loud thunder interrupted the silence around him and lightning struck the dark gray sky, when did it get so dark outside? Rain started to pour down and it made him gulp down bile.

His vision cleared and he noticed that nearby at the end of the hallway was the toilet and ran towards it.

“Chuuya!” He called out again but he didn’t have to do it again because the man was right in front of him at the sink, crying his heart out.

He clawed at the sink, his hair was loose and covered his face, he was hunched over and he looked down. The sniffs revealed everything to Dazai.

“Get the f*ck away from me” He sniffed and took a paper towel and cleaned his face.

“Chuuya, please-“ Dazai tried but Chuuya didn’t let him.

“No, I don't want to hear it! Get away!” In that moment something clicked in his head. Even though Chuuya told them many times that they can be open about their emotions, who took care of Chuuya when he didn’t feel well? He had always been something like the rock in a wild river, solid and steady.

“Hey it’s alright. Come here” Dazai had no idea what he did but he remembered when Yosano broke up with her ex ex-girlfriend and was sad. He held her in her arm and she cried, sometimes she started talking about how she missed her and sometimes she was deadly silent.

Chuuya hesitated, his eyes were red and his lips quivered. In his stomach roared anger towards the person who made him feel that way, hesitant about accepting someone’s comfort. The two really weren’t that different, he thought.

“Chuuya I am not going to hurt you. What happened?” Dazai tried another method and Chuuya almost started crying again.

“Why do you care? You’ve been gone for a week. No message or anything. Do you even care? Or do you only want to be friendly with me to use me in the end? Like everyone else?” Chuuya was angry and tears started rolling down his cheeks, his voice was hoarse and Dazai noticed now that his lip was busted and reopened.

“I care about you a lot Chuuya” And then the dam broke and he couldn’t stop himself. “I know that you can’t believe it because of my actions. I am terribly sorry and disappointed in myself. You were on my mind most of the time and I wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you. You mean so so much to me, I can’t even put it into words”

He noticed that Chuuya stopped sniffing or trying to remove his tears stains, he stared at him dead on, with no apparent intention.

“Say that again” He whispered.

“I care about you, more than you can imagine,” Dazai repeated.

Chuuya closed his eyes and looked down.

“Say it again”

“I can tell you as often as you want. I care about you Chuuya” Dazai repeated again and smiled or what he hoped looked similar to a smile, it most likely resembled a grimace.

“Why did you ignore me?” Chuuya asked without hesitation and stepped closer.

“I was scared. I had a depressive episode. I am scared every second that I might relapse and I didn’t want anyone to see me in that state” Dazai looked him in his eyes and in the grayish eyes, there he found his safe space. The affection these eyes can hold was something unbelievably precious for him.

A hand was laid on his cheek and the touch made his knees go weak. He stared into Chuuya’s eyes and they only held fondness. What did he do to deserve that?

“I care about you. Dazai Osamu you f*cking idiot, if you every capsule yourself from us again I will personally kill you. Never do that again please” Chuuya let his chin lean on Dazai’s collarbone and let his hand slide down. Dazai was in most cases of physical affection unsure but right now he wrapped his arms around Chuuya’s shoulders and they stayed there in that moment.

“You want to talk about the bruises?” Dazai whispered into Chuuya’s hair. It smelled like cigarettes and Chuuya’s perfume. It smelt heavenly.

“You should see the guy. He looks a lot worse” Chuuya leaned back and grinned proudly. He looked at Dazai’s shirt and saw little dots of blood, then Dazai saw it too. His lip reopened. Chuuya touched his lip and saw the blood on his fingertip.

“f*ck” He muttered under his lip and Dazai let his arms go limp to let the man out of his hold, immediately missing it. Dazai took a paper towel and applied some disinfectant on it.

“Come here, Chu” The other turned towards him and let Dazai tap some of the liquid on his lip. “I hope it doesn’t burn too much”

“If you weren’t so nice to me I would punch you” Chuuya muttered with his half open mouth.

“You hurt me Chuuya, do you know that?” Dazai feigned being insulted by Chuuya but it was the opposite, inside he felt all of his limbs warming up. Being with Chuuya just had that effect on them, he assumed.

“Oh shut the f*ck up you piece of sh*t. You know how much I hate that nickname” Chuuya fought back but smiled nonetheless.

“Be more cautious I am the one close to your mouth” Dazai menaced and at this moment Chuuya opened his mouth further and licked Dazai’s finger.

“Ew disgusting! You are in fact a dog!” But Chuuya only smiled and searched in his bag for a band aid which he applied to his lip.

“That’s how much I hate that nickname. It was meant for further emphasis!” Chuuya explained and Dazai giggled.

“To answer your question honestly. Something did happen this weekend” Chuuya but the other side of his lip where it wasn’t busted and looked away.

Dazai leaned back and listened while crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“We were clubbing. I wanted to distract myself and then a guy started dancing with me. It was all fun and that but all of the sudden he was all over me and I saw red. I freaked out and threw punches” Chuuya scratched his neck and looked away ashamed.

“Did you feel better after the fight?” Dazai asked Chuuya.

“Oh hell yeah. He got what he deserved, that dickhe*d. I would have done more if he hadn’t fainted before I got to it.” Chuuya smiled proudly and Dazai knew at that moment that he was going to be alright.

“I am proud of you. You did well” They said and Chuuya stared at him dumbfounded. “What?”

“I never heard someone encourage my ‘anger issues’. It simply threw me off.” Chuuya confessed.

“Chuuya, I am not scared of you. If you were to hurt me I would know how to deal with it. Trust me. We’ll be fine” Dazai said and it felt like a promise to both of them.

Chapter 14: I can’t help but being my stupidest self around you, sorry for that

Chapter Text

“This essay is due to next month and please prepare the housework in time and the collection of the analyses that we have talked about! Don’t procrastinate, work hard and then laze off. Not the other way around!” That was the last statement Chuuya heard before he rushed out of the lecture. French literature was sometimes a godsent gift but at the same time a torture like the curse of Sisyphus.

He looked into his bag and saw the notebook he had given Dazai. He had given it back with a few pages filled.

He didn’t dare open them. The day he saw him again was horrible and freeing at the same time. Even though they almost fought on that day he noticed that their relationship was much more communicative. Before they kept secrets with the thought of being ‘too much’ or ‘too personal’ but these thoughts were basically forgotten.

Chuuya assumed that Dazai had depression, given how his wrists and neck were wrapped in gauze. He noticed it the second he saw them. It made him wonder what happened to them, at first he thought that they were hurt by someone’s hand. A second after that he thought about another option: self-harm.

He would lie if he said that the urge was unknown to him. During his childhood the thought of being unworthy and unlovable combined with self-hatred was present. But instead of hurting himself he let other people do it.

The fights were nothing else than self-inflicted harm. The abuse that he allowed Paul to punish him with was also a form of self-harm, but even worse it was mental. The scares were invisible. The cuts, broken bones and many other bruises healed pretty well but some were visible.

He kept his hands in gloves most of the time, the amount of broken fingers couldn’t be counted on two hands so he hid them away. Most of the scars were in the stomach and shoulder area, but never deep enough to cause serious damage. Some tissues were ripped open or wounds reopened but they did heal, left visible scars but he didn’t mind them.

The fact that Dazai and he were shared a similar story made him feel less alone. If he had known Dazai in his youth would he be different now? Would he be worse?

Even though he never looked deeper into Dazai’s family dynamics he assumed that he was adopted. Their siblings and father had a different surname than him and distinctvely looked different, such as Elise with her blond hair and Yumeno with their naturallly white hair.

Maybe the self harm stood in connection with his biological parents? He would never outright ask Dazai something like “Quick question why did you hurt yourself? Had it something to do with your parents?” Because that felt way too invasive and he himself would punch anyone who prodded at him that way.

He can wait, he had to wait.

The weather was pretty bad today, the trees started losing leaves and the rain made them all wet and moist and the sky looked dark. Chuuya’s mood was gloom and he would love to go home and lay under his bed sheets and watch his favourite show and do nothing else.

He found the smoking area outside and lit up a cigarette. From further away he noticed Dazai walking towards him. He waved and he received a wave back.

Since their talk on Monday he noticed how often Dazai smiled around him, it was this small and soft smile. It looked good on them. When Dazai smiled he actually looked like a twenty two year old and not the wise old man he loved to show off.

“You’re done for the day, right?” Dazai asked him and Chuuya nodded. Dazai placed a cigarette in his mouth and lit it up. But his lighter didn’t work well, he looked at him but Chuuya only pointed his finger at him to get closer. Dazai leaned in and Chuuya placed his hand on his neck and made their cigarettes touch. It felt much more intimate than he assumed.

The end started burning down and he leaned back, Dazai’s eyes were ablazed.

“Are you cold?” Chuuya felt how cold Dazai’s skin was from the short touch on his neck.

“I…uhm…I’m good. I still have two more lectures to go. I will study in the library between them” Dazai explained but Chuuya was skeptical. “Don’t worry I’m fine!”

“If you say so. I could have brought you a sweater from home, '' Chuuya shrugged. His hand still tingled from where he touched Dazai. Was that normal?

“Do you have plans this weekend? I was thinking of going through our presentation. The prof didnt show up this week so we definitely have to present it next week” Chuuya explained, he shifted his weight from one leg to the other.

“I’m busy this weekend. Mori had planned a family trip weeks ahead and I have to go with them. Trust me I would rather do uni work than go with them” Dazai pouted.

“Why are you so against family activities? Cherish them and do the best out of them” Chuuya never understood Dazai’s reluctance to spend time with his family.

“They are too much. If you would spend more time with them then you would understand it”

It was still family, right? What difference did it make? Chuuya never understood that kind of explanation. He would cherish his family no matter what, except if they were like Paul who he had long ago stopped referring to as family.

As the apartment door closed behind him, did he dial Kouyou’s number and waited painfully long that his sister picked her phone up. He had called her when he got home after the breakdown on Monday. She was his light at the end of the tunnel. The confidence, his understanding of emotions and his social skills came all from Kouyou. She raised him well mannered and taught him to never lie.

Even if he did dangerous things in his youth his sister never approved of them, although she didn’t take them seriously at first after he was sent into the hospital she noticed it and protected him and tried to get her way into the thick skull of his.

After a few beeps she picked her phone up and he appeared on his phone screen.

“Hey Chuuya! How are you?” She smiled, she was lying in her bed just like Chuuya and wore her glasses.

“I’m doing better than last time we called, if you want to know. I was bored and don’t know what to do. All of my friends are busy this weekend and I have no plans” Chuuya rubbed his eyes under his glasses, yes he did wear glasses but most of the time when he was home.

“I wish I was bored like you. I am going to release a new collection soon! I am so excited” Kouyou’s eyes gleamed and Chuuya felt how happy he was for her. It was rare for him to be this carefree and happy.

“You once read one of your poems. I hope I’m not overstepping or claiming any copyrights that I don’t have, yet” Chuuya was confused about what she was referring to but let her talk freely because he saw how proud and confident she looked. ” I was hoping that I could call my newest collection ‘Upon the Tainted Sorrow’. What do you think?”

He was speechless. ‘Upon the Tainted Sorrow’ was one of the first poems he ever wrote, it was during the time Paul had left when he really started writing.

He remembered how he read a few to Kouyou. Back then she accepted them and simply enjoyed them but that she remembered them years later baffled him.

“I think that it is the best idea you’ve ever had” He grinned.

“I knew you would like it. Lately I’ve been lacking inspiration and one of my coworkers has been reading poetry lately and we were discussing it and then I remembered your poems. It would be helpful if you send me a digital copy of it. It would help me a lot, dear” She smiled and Chuuya would give anything to be with her right now.

“How is Dazai doing? Did they give you the book back?” Kouyou asked him and he would have forgotten it.

He sprinted to his bag and took it out. He opened it slowly and couldn’t believe his eyes. The first five pages were full, covered in Dazai’s neat cursive writing and the first few lines made him regret opening it.

‘Dearest ChuChu,
The thought of opening up had always made me scared to death. It had been in the first years of my life forbidden by my parents. Since I live with Mori I can be open but how can I be vulnerable if I have never been able to do it? Can someone learn being vulnerable? I am scared that I might try hard being vulnerable and putting on a facade because I in fact don’t know what I feel, putting words on my emotions is as difficult as trying to make crystals out of bricks. I appreciate your words and the hope you have for me…’

All of the sudden he felt tears well up in his eyes. This man. He can’t put into words how much hatred and anger Dazai awoken in him. Ever since he met them his hatred towards the guardian of Dazai grew more and more. He can’t believe how someone can be cruel to children, especially Dazai.

Dazai was the definition of a child prodigy. His parents very likely only saw that special thing that he excelled had in him but not that he was a child, with dreams and hopes. It broke his heart.

“I opened the book and I don’t think you want to read it” Chuuya looked straight on, he saw from the corner of his eyes Kouyous confused gaze.

“What do you mean?” She prodded.

“It’s too much and very…personal” Chuuya explained, even if the two were very close he crossed the line there. This was not appropriate in any way. Dazai was someone very special to Chuuya, he was one of the only people he could call his real friends. He would never backstab him, even worse break the kind of trust they shared and had freshly reestablished.

“Hey it’s totally fine. I didn’t want to know what he had written, I was just curious if he accepted the idea. Also I haven’t told you this but I I’ll be at home during Christmas!” Kouyou smiled reassuringly and it warmed Chuuya’s heart. Even if they were raised Japanese they celebrated Christmas like in the west.

Kouyou and Paul had fancied the French cuisine a lot during the holidays and went that far too place a Christmas tree in the living room. He was excited to spend Christmas with his sister and perhaps with Tachi if he hadn’t planned anything yet.

“I’m excited to see you! You should give me a list with the things we need beforehand or else everything will be sold out!” Chuuya informed her and she nodded.

They called for a few hours more, talking about anything and nothing at the same time. On Halloween Chuuya was going as a pirate and Kouyou belted out at the idea. When he asked her what she was going as she said a mermaid, and he told her that she should send a few pictures.

A halloween party was going to happen at Mark’s place again. The man had enough space and money to host such a party. Chuuya was going as a group with Tachi, Higuchi, Gin, Akutagawa, Atsushi and Dazai. He was thinking about what costume Dazai might be going.

He would probably never tell him, because it was a secret. Or because they didn’t enjoy costumes. It would seem legit that Dazai would say something like that.

The evening was as always very boring at home and Chuuya did what he always did when he was bored, he played the old guitar that was standing in the corner of his room. It was an old and smelly thing. It very likely had mold in it from the water damage it had or the humidity.

Tachi taught him how to play shortly after he moved in. Chuuya’s hands had hurt like hell in the first months but he got used to it. When he played he put his gloves off, but never looked at his hands. The sight made hatred and pure reddish anger bubble up inside of him. So he looked away. Tachi first said that he was insane for doing that because he could easily miss the strings but he got used to playing without watching his hands. It worked well enough.

After an early dinner he had still felt restless, it was not even eight in the evening. So he headed to the gym and let some steam off.

After that he fell on his mattress and fell asleep quickly.

The next morning he was awoken by a crazy amount of calls. He picked his phone up, he squinted to see better who pestered him at nine in the morning.

It was nine in the morning? What the hell did Dazai want from him at this ungodly hour? It was way too f*cking early!

“Dazai, it is currently 9:34am what do-“

“IT IS NOT DAZAI!!” Screamed a shrill voice through the speaker. Chuuya held the phone further away from his ear and smiled tiredly. It was definitely Yumeno.

“Good morning Yumeno. Is the idiot in reach?” He asked and heard Dazai whining in the background.

“I was given the order to call you and ask you if you want to go to the aquarium with us!” Chuuya could her Yumeno grin through the phone. Did he actually have a choice now? He had never been able to say no to children.

“When should I be there?” He asked and got out of bed, the reflection in his mirror almost scared him to death. Yeah, a shower was mandatory.

“Well we are on our way already. Dazai is looking at train connections. We will send you the location and you can be there as soon as possible. We will be there in 30 minutes! See ya” Yumeno giggled and hung up.

Okay, so he had half an hour to get ready which wasn’t uncommon in this household given how Tachi and he were the laziest people when it came to getting ready in the morning. They woke up half an hour before a lecture, grabbed something to eat on their way and headed off in a sprint.

He jumped into the shower, afterwards styled his hair, grabbed an apple and a bottle of water and threw it in his bag.

Chuuya grabbed some lose black pants, a grey turtleneck and a black leather jacket. He put his black hat on and some black combat boots. It was comfortable and suit for the weather. Then he had ten minutes left and took that time to smoke a cigarette.

Dazai 10:13:
‘We arrived and bought us some drinks. You want one?’

Chuuya 10:13:
‘Yeah a coffe. Black”

Dazai 10:13:
‘If there is a coffee policy I hope they arrest you for drinking that’

Chuuya 10:13:
‘Only because you drink yours with syrups and loads of milk. You have a big sweet tooth that’s not my problem’

Dazai 10:14:
‘Touché’

Chuuya grinned at the interaction.

He took one last glance into the mirror and a sudden wave of insecurity crashed over him. What if they didn’t want him to be around? Did they invite him out of pity? Was he about to arrive at the aquarium and everyone was going to make fun of him?

It was embarrassing, he slapped his hand against his head as if that would get some sense in his stupid and insecure mind. Why was he thinking about all of that right now?

Yumeno and Elise never made him feel bad about himself and Dazai truly appreciated him. What was missing? It was as if some puzzle piece was missing. He was not sure what it meant.

Chuuya took a deep breath and got out of the apartment before the familiar feeling of his bed or the comfortable couch in the living room could lure him back under the sheets.

The ride wasn’t long per say. The traffic was busy as always in the morning hours but nonetheless it was fairly quickly until he reached the well known building on the outskirts of the city where the aquarium was.

He parked his bike and took his helmet off, shook his head to get his curls loose and placed it in the storage. He leaned on it and grabbed his phone with his bag.

He saw a new message.

Dazai 10:25:
[insert image]
Sharks are my favorite!!!
Where are you?
I am Yumeno btw
I AM WAITING
I DON'T WANT TO WAIT ANYMORE
COME HEREEEE

He felt a soft smile on his lips and when he opened the picture he couldn’t keep his composure.

It was Yumeno and Dazai in the aquarium shop with shark hats and sunglasses on. It was adorable. He laughed while he skimmed through the messages which were sent in a hurry.

He took his stuff with him, put his fedora on and went inside. It was too busy for his liking. He heard families discussing their plans for the day. A mother warned their child who grabbed something from the shop. Next to them was a big family of seven, they looked like tourists because they all wore the same shirt with their club’s name on it with a date.

But he couldn’t see Dazai nor their siblings anywhere.

“BOO!” A voice screamed and crashed into him. He almost lost his balance with Yumeno running into him but he regained it quickly and ruffled the child’s hair.

“Stop that! It took me a long time to style it” They pouted and stared at the darkened glass wall next to them to restyle it. Elise waved him a shy hello and began some small talk, ‘How was the ride?’, ‘I hope Yumeno wasn’t too impolite on the phone’, ‘sorry for this very spontaneous invite!’.

“You don’t have to talk so politely Elise. That’s Chuuya who you’re talking to. He’s used to spontaneous things like that” Dazai appears from basically nowhere and leaned his arm on Chuuya's head as if it was the most common gesture in the world.

“Get off me you moron” Chuuya pushed him off and Dazai giggled stupidly behind their hand. Elise smiled softly at them bantering and he thought how that would look from the outside perspective.

While they were discussing some idle chit chat Dazai brought a can of coffee out of the inside pocket of his coat and handed it to Chuuya. He didn’t even notice it and opened it. In a few gulps it was empty and he threw it away, the walk to the trash bin was accompanied by Dazai.

He was used to banter with Dazai, it was simple and easy and the most carefree he had to be. It didn’t matter what the other said because each party knew that it held no real interest in making the other hurt.

“Okay you two lovers you can quarrel inside the aquarium but please let’s get going!” Elise clapped her hands together and the two stopped immediately.

Yumeno rushed towards the entrance, Elise hurried behind him and berated them for not getting lost.

“I’m glad that you came” Dazai’s arm sneaked around his shoulder and pulled him close, as if they were about to hug him.

Well…that was new.

But not unwanted.

Simply new.

Chuuya noticed that he liked it. Dazai’s side was warm and his own was cold. Suddenly he felt a lot warmer, was the heating on in here?

Chuuya practically melted into Dazai’s side. He wore his usual tan coat and a simple sweater with dark pants.

He looked pretty. It suited his rather pale skin and unruly hair.

Chuuya felt something in his heart burst and held his hand on his chest.

“Is everything alright? Are you going into cardiac arrest?” Dazai joked but his eyes searched Chuuya’s face for an immediate answer. Was he worried?

“No you dumbass, I'm fine. And really I have to thank you for inviting me. Yesterday was way too boring. I thought I might rot away at home” Chuuya got a hold of himself and wrestled his arm out of the space between Dazai and him and wrapped it around their back, holding him in place while they tagged along the two children. It was comfortable as if they were made to stay in that position forever.

They got through the entrance where they showed their tickets and Dazai went on about how boring the lectures were the day before.

“It’s simply boring when you are not there” Chuuya was watching the first tank with small fishes in it and looked up to see Dazai staring at him. He felt his heart racing.

“Are you sure about that? You could simply annoy anyone else” Chuuya played his very warm cheeks off while staring at the same small fishes as before.

“Not quite. No one really gets my Humor. Kind of sad when I think about it. I think I have a great sense of humor but no one shares the same opinion. They also make me a bit anxious. I know it’s silly and all that…” Dazai trailed off.

“It’s not silly. I also know only you in art, I would also feel anxious if you weren’t there. You annoy me to hell and back. But it’s also comforting…in a way” Chuuya concluded. He felt Dazai tightening their grip on his shoulder.

“Thank you” They answered in the softest voice he heard from Dazai. It caught him off guard and stood still. Dazai stopped when he noticed Chuuya’s sudden halt.

“Come on or we’ll lose the kids” Dazai smiled softly and lent him a hand.

Chuuya was about to burst. But it felt good. Right so.

He gave in and placed his hand in Dazai’s.

“Sorry I was…I don’t know what I was thinking about…I just-“ Chuuya started rambling without a single coherent thought.

“DAZAI!! Look, there are otters!” Yumeno screeched and Dazai picked up the pace immediately. Chuuya didn’t have a chance to respond because he was pulled by the other with the strength of five horses.

“Look! Look!” Yumeno pointed at them and jumped at the same time to show everyone where the otters were.

Chuuya stood next to them, his hand still in Dazai’s and he liked it. His hand was much bigger than Dazai’s but they still fit together like a key and lock. He would tease Dazai later for the fact that he had smaller hands than him.

“Which one is your favorite?” Dazai asked and pointed at the tank with the otters. Chuuya pointed at the one sleeping on a rock. It looked peaceful and gentle.

“That one. It reminds me of someone” He pointed at the sleepy otter and Dazai’s face lit up.

“Really? Who is it?” Yumeno asked curiously.

“He’s tall, has a big mouth and could sleep anywhere he wants” He leaned down to be on Yumeno’s height and pointed at Dazai. The child started to chuckle and as curious as they were, they sprinted off to the next tank.

“I knew it,” Dazai said and pouted.

“What?” Chuuya pried and pinched Dazai’s side.

“It was me. By the way, the otter is also my favorite. It was pretty cute if you ask me” Dazai grinned and stumbled purposely into Chuuya.

“I didn’t try to hide that it reminded me of you. Even though it is kind of sweet I also think that you sleep a lot, are lazy and would rather swim for the rest of your life instead of doing anything else” Chuuya joked and pinched Dazai again who tried to sidestep the attack.

“I wouldn’t swim for the rest of my life” Dazai walked on and held Chuuya’s hand in a tight grip.

“What else would you do?” Chuuya asked, Dazai would probably say read or write. He was fond of it. He always bragged about how many books he had read in his teen years and how difficult they were.

“Ice Skate” Dazai’s answer surprised him. He didn’t take them for someone who liked ice skating and even less enjoying it.

“I’ve done it for a few years,” Dazai continued, his eyes set on the corridor up ahead.

“Why did you quit?” Chuuya asked and put his other hand in his pocket, holding on his lighter to do something with his hand while his other one was in Dazai’s.

“My trainer. Remember a few weeks ago when I had a panic attack?” Dazai talked casually, it was as if they were discussing the weather. Chuuya nodded attentively, he looked up and saw Dazai biting the inside of his lip. They were insecure but he squeezed his hand and he opened his mouth again. “She treated me like a piece of sh*t and I stopped. But deep down I think I miss it. Sometimes when I look into the mirror I see my old self and wish I could go back, which is f*cking stupid because the years I’ve been under her watch were the worst years of my short life. It’s stupid isn’t it?”

Only when he asked the question did he look at him and Chuuya saw it. The sparkle, the love and passion Dazai had for it.

“Why don’t you start again? You don’t need a trainer. You can go whenever you want” Chuuya suggested and stopped walking. He tugged Dazai to the side so that they didn’t hold back the masses of visitors. “It’s not stupid at all. When you are passionate about something no one can keep you away from it. You loved it, didn’t you?”

“I truly did. I was the best of the best you could say.” Dazai smiled and his eyes were focused on Chuuya but their gaze was foggy as if they were somewhere else with their thoughts. It warmed his heart to see Dazai so nostalgic and proud of himself. He hadn’t seen this on them before. They were burning for it.

“So, why don’t you start again?” Chuuya asked again and Dazai’s eyes fully focused on him this time.

“I don’t want to be alone again. If I do it, would you come with me?”

“That is the stupidest question you’ve ever asked. When have I ever said no to you? No matter how stupid your idea is I will always be by your side” Chuuya truly wanted to be with him, wherever Dazai would go, he would follow. No matter how stupid or dangerous the things might sound.

“Thank you for being by my side” Dazai said and tackled him into a bone crushing embrace.

The visit was a change of mood for Chuuya and the rest. Yumeno ran all over the place and was over half an hour earlier finished than the rest. At some point did Chuuya and Dazai stumbled upon Elise who watched the sharks in the tank tunnel. She glanced at their hands and smiled at them knowingly. But neither were embarrassed or ashamed.

After the aquarium they went to a restaurant and ate a delicious lunch.

Yumeno was babbling about their lazy and stupid classmates and Chuuya had to bite back laughter the whole time.

“I can see the resemblance between you two. You are simply a younger version of Dazai” Chuuya pointed with his Chopsticks between Dazai and Yumeno. The older sibling chuckled heartily.

“Even though we are not blood related many people say that” Yumeno mumbled through a full mouth and Chuuya noticed that this was the first time that someone talked with him about Dazai not being blood related to the family.

“You are not?” He glanced at Dazai who sat in front of him. They almost choked on a corn of rice and had to take a few gulps of water before speaking.

“Yeah I am adopted. I’ve been with them since I was fourteen” Dazai told him and continued eating.

“Why don’t you have the same surname as the two?” At that moment Elise excused herself to the toilet and dragged Yumeno by the shoulder with her. They protested but still let themself be carried away by their sister.

“It’s a bit complicated. But to say it shortly my parents broke up and my mother neglected me after that pretty much. I was under the care of my trainer and…” They trailed off and didn’t continue. Dazai stared into the void, gazing far away.

“Hey! Don’t continue if it’s too much. It’s alright-“ Chuuya reassured him.

“No, I want to tell you about it. I just need a second” They put the utensils down and folded their arms and lay their chin on their hands. “As I said my trainer was basically my guardian for the last two years before I was adopted and I fell into a very hard and massive depressive episode. She didn’t take care of it at all, didn’t try to send me help, made me isolate myself from my peers and made me rot away. It got to the point where my life was in danger. I got sent to the hospital, where Mori treated me and one thing happened after another and here I am!”

Chuuya felt powerless. He expected anything but not this.

The strings that held the puzzle that was Dazai together were amiss.

And he noticed that Dazai wasn’t a puzzle.

He wasn’t something that he could pick apart, with every new information he obtained he could find the bigger picture. No. He was sick and tired of doing that. He should see Dazai as the person they were and not the things that happened or not happened to them.

“f*ck her and, sorry for my language, but f*ck your mother too. How could you do something like that to a child?” He felt as if a fire was lit inside of him and boiled something. The heat reached his brain and out of it came insults towards all the people who could hurt Dazai.

If Chuuya had known him earlier he would have put Dazai in a bag and carried him with him everywhere he went, everywhere but not where his mother and that f*cking stupid trainer of his were at any point.

He would curse them to hell and back. Make their day worse, wish them a long and painful death. He wasn’t embarrassed to confess that to Dazai. Chuuya swore in that moment that if anyone even laid a finger on-

“Chuuya” His raging thoughts were interrupted by Dazai’s hand on his. He must have clutched the table a tad too tight because when he looked around people were staring. His breath was heavy and he felt sweaty.

“Did I say anything?” He asked Dazai who shook his head.

“Thank you” Dazai played with Chuuya’s fingers , as if they were the most interesting object in the world, and his face got hotter, but not because of anger.

The children got back after a few more minutes and they went to the family’s place. Dazai had already offered Chuuya to crash at his place for the night.

“I have good news! I got an apartment” Dazai said while they placed their shoes at the door. Yumeno was already in their room and Elise made tea in the kitchen due to the cold weather.

“Really? Where is it?”

“Don’t get angry” Dazai warned him and Chuuya expected the worst.

“It’s your complex. A guy from my literature class has a spare room” Dazai scratched his neck awkwardly.

“At least I won’t have to ride 20 minute ride to see your stupid face anymore” Chuuya almost said ‘pretty face’ and he had to bite his tongue or else the word would have spilled out of him like a fountain.

“Here I was tasked to give you one” Dazai opened his fist and in it lay an otter keychain. It was winking and had rosey paws. It was adorable. “Yumeno bought four and was too shy to give you yours”

It was wholesome and Chuuya searched in his pants for his key and snatched it on it. “Cute, isn’t it?” He asked.

“Yeah very much,” Dazai softly answered.

They took their jackets off and went into the kitchen to grab a mug of tea for each of them and went upstairs.

Chuuya couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw the new painting on the wall. It looked like a burning phoenix. The orange feathers were beautiful. They were hyperrealistic and he couldn’t peel his eyes away from it.

“I have the feeling that you sometimes forget how talented you are,” He couldn’t keep his eyes off the painting. Beneath the phoenix was a large body of water. The dark blue vanished into a grayish puddle.

“Do you like it?” Came Dazai’s voice. Timid, almost shy did it echo through the room.

“It’s gorgeous” Chuuya confessed and accompanied Dazai on his bed. “Can I see more of your paintings?”

Dazai’s eyes seemed to fall out and they abruptly stood up and hurried through the room. Some canvas’ were stored in his wardrobe while some loose paper drawings were under his bed.

When he collected them all, he sat down again next to Chuuya and gave him permission.

Chuuya loved to see the work of an artist and being allowed to see Dazai’s was even better. He always felt as if he stepped too close to them through their art. Even his photographs were something holy to him, not everyone was allowed to see them. His precious photographs were his and only his(and Dazai’s if they asked nicely).

Most of Dazai’s work was abstract and clunky but it had its own charm. Sometimes he painted people and sometimes a landscape in vibrant colors or something completely different.

The last one he saw was on a square canvas, black, dark blue and red splattered the canvas and in the middle were little dots that reminded him of pills. On each corner was one hand seemingly reaching for the dots. The painting seemed to move. It was hectic and dramatic.

“Was that from the time with the trainer?” Chuuya asked.

“Yes. It was after I woke up. I…you need to know I was in a bad place. I tried to kill myself” Dazai’s voice was quiet. Only a lamp on his desk was on. Dazai’s eyes looked like galaxies, dark and shiny and Chuuya wanted to drown in them.

“I’m glad that you woke up” He turned around and placed his hand on Dazai’s cheek. He felt how Dazai’s breathing got quicker. He wanted the other to know how much he loved him. Because he does.

He brought Dazai’s face closer to his and their foreheads touched. He felt more than heard Dazai sniffing away the tears that built up and let them be.

“You are safe. I am with you now.” He whispered into the darkness.

“I don’t know what I would do without you” Dazai confessed and snuggled closer until he embraced Chuuya fully and let his head fall onto his shoulder.

Chuuya breathed in and out and tried to memorize Dazai’s perfume, tried to memorize how it felt to have them in his arms, how soft their hair was even if it may look like a bird's nest, how warm he was and how he could never live without it.

When they went to bed that night, Dazai moved closer and Chuuya did too. If they had ended up close together, then no one said a word the next day. If they did kiss each other on the cheek in the softest way possible, then no one said a word the next day. If they did love each other no one said a thing. Because in the end words are perhaps not enough to show someone how much you love them.

Chapter 15: Apophis

Chapter Text

Atsushi stood on the sidewalk. A big bag was thrown over his shoulder and it weighed about as much as himself. The sky was already turning dark. It was only four in the afternoon. A plane was flying above their heads, leaving behind a trail of smoke.

“How many stops do we have to go?” Akutagawa’s voice interrupted his daydreams of him being on that very plane. He also had a bag with him but not nearly as full and heavy as Atsushi’s.

“I think twelve but I’m not sure. '' He furrowed his brow while trying to remember the amount of stops. A look back at the map at the bus sign was all it took to make Akutagawa frown in disdain. He knew how much his partner despised public transportation.

“Here it will make the ride go faster” He grabbed his earphones out of his jacket pocket and plugged one in Akutagawa’s ear and one in his.

When the bus arrived the men stepped in and found two seats.

Atsushi sat next to the window and looked out while holding his boyfriend’s hand. It was easy to love him. He thought back to the distress and anger he felt when he was unsure of his feelings and Akutagawa’s affection. But in the end it all made sense.

The sun was down by the time they arrived at Dazai’s threshold. This was the very first time he was at Dazai’s place. If they had met outside of school they did so in cafes near the university, in the library or when the two ate at a new restaurant. Dazai had told him once that he was not fond of friends coming over to their place because of his family. Not because he was ashamed but it was too hectic. Atsushi never blamed him for that or liked them less.

The steps to the door were decorated with flowers in many shades. They rang once, he was about to go for a second time when the door was opened and in front of them stood Dazai in sweats. Messy mid length hair was messily pulled in a little ponytail at his neck and behind a pair of glasses he could see Dazai squint as if he adjusted to the light.

“It took you way too long. Never make me wait that long” Dazai yawned and stepped aside to let the two in.

“You didn't wait a single second, you were sleeping, you liar!” Atsushi smiled.

From Akutagawa came a quiet chuckle and a timid “Hello” and they were inside with their boots and coats off.

“Well you caught me!” Dazai smiled cheekily and got into the kitchen without a word. The two followed him like little chickens.

“You didn't even try to hide it” Akutagawa deadpanned and declined a cup of freshly brewed coffee. “I'd rather drink a cup of tea”

Dazai opened a cabinet, masses of tea boxes were stuffed in it, practically falling out.

“Go for it” They filled a fresh kettle with water and talked carelessly about uni work.

“Don't take this one if you're not a fan of artificial fruit flavors. Chuuya had made the same mistake and went on a rant about how disrespectful it is to call this tea ‘authentic’” Dazai blurred out when Akutagawa reached for the apple tea bag.

“I wasn't going to drink it but…uhm thanks” Was it inappropriate to say that? Akutagawa’s response may have sounded normal, the man was rather stiff and blunt with his words. Was it weird to bring up the fact that Chuuya had drank that one tea?

The tea just reminded him about the morning with Chuuya. That was the first time he had seen his tattoos. A rose with thorns clung to his upper right arm, the moon phases were imprinted on his neck but his hair covered it most of the time. On his other arm he had a sheep or rather a lamb, Dazai couldn't remember it very clearly. Also the fact Chuuya had more but purposefully hidden them from Dazai made warmth spread through his veins from frustration and something he couldn't name.

Akutagawa chose fig tea. Dazai wasn’t experienced in tea flavors but he knew for sure that Chuuya would disapprove of it. He only liked strong flavored teas such as green, black and white tea. In most mornings he drank tea instead of coffee because apparently caffeine didn’t have the same effect on him.

“Should we go upstairs?” Atsushi asked and caught him mid thought of Chuuya drinking his tea with bed hair and humming sweetly.

“Uh sure” Dazai could feel his red cheeks and rushed upstairs.

To say that his room was a mess was an understatement. He had been procrastinating cleaning his room since Chuuya had left. Mugs and plates littered his desk, clothes laid strewn all over his stool and his bed was undone.

Dazai placed the clothes in the closet, caught sight of one of Chuuya’s sweaters. It was a simple black sweater with the neck cut out. The dishes were rushed downstairs in the sink and when he returned the two had already settled on sitting on his bed while unpacking their bags.

“So you’ve got everything?” Dazai asked, he clapped his hands together and put some upbeat vinyl on to get into the mood.

“Yes, everything and much more. This is my costume and make up and in Aku’s bag is even more make up. Most of it is Kyouka’s, so please be careful with it or she will behead me” Atsushi begged and pulled his onesie out of the bag along with other bags that made clicking sounds with the amount of makeup.

Dazai had chosen to be a vampire. It had all the sex appeal and glory he felt like today. Also it was in his budget for this month so he didn’t complain at the idea(it was Elise’s idea btw)

He shuffled around the boxes in his room, because he started sorting things out for when he was going to move out so that he wouldn't take too many things with him.

Dazai opened his closet and got the costume out. It was a black cape, with black tight pants that hugged his waist perfectly well and a white dress shirt that they were planning to unbutton a bit to show some cleavage.

“So where will you move?” Atsushi asked and unfolded the tiger onesie. It was a white body with black stripes. It was Atsushi’s favorite animal and it suited him.

“Into the student apartment complex close to the college. Uh where Chuuya lives and Fyodor. He is going to be my roommate” Dazai laid their costume on his stool. He wasn’t content with the thought of moving in with Fyodor but as long as he had his own apartment and lived much closer to the college he would have taken anything.

“I didn’t know you’re friends with Fyodor. He creeps me out.” Akutagawa’s remark caught Dazai’s attention and he chuckled. He wasn't wrong with that

“I get it, don't worry. If you get to know him you notice how aloof he is most of the time. And if he does something borderline insane his boyfriend keeps him in check. They are a well played duo” Dazai told them about Nikolai and Fyodor. The two were one of a kind. Always within five meters radius from each other as if a bigger distance would break them apart.

“Nikolai? The one with the bleached braid?” Atsushi asked and put the onesie over his clothes while Akutagawa put his onesie on. He was a black tiger.

“Exactly that one” Dazai said and excused himself into the bathroom.

Dazai freshened up a bit and put his binder on. The outfit looked too good in his opinion. They had to take a double look at his ass because it was illegal to look this good.

He clapped the cape around his neck and went back in.

“Oh Dazai, you look so handsome!” Atsushi complimented him and Dazai chuckled.

“I don’t wanna look handsome! I need to look hot” He muffled while gluing the fake fangs on his teeth.

“Why is that?” Atsushi prodded and helped him apply a good amount of fake blood around his mouth. “Do you have a special someone who you want to impress?”

Yes

He did have someone in mind to impress. Chuuya always looked as good as an ancient god could. Dazai himself was looking more like a spilled trash can during a thunderstorm.

He had to look good today. It was now or never!

“You don’t even need to answer the question. We know that it’s Chuuya” Akutagawa answered behind Atsushi.

“How-What? Guys!!” Dazai wailed. His hands covered his face and he ignored Atsushi’s pleas to not f*ck up the make up. Whenever he thought about Chuuya his body seemed to have a chemical reaction and heat up.

“Don’t worry. That’s what love does to someone” Atsushi patted him on the shoulder and Dazai wanted to take his arm and throw him out the window.

He wasn’t in love with Chuuya.

How could he?

They were friends.

Friends who cuddle at night, kiss each other on the cheek and hold hands.

….

Simply friends!

“I don’t love him! At least not in that way. I think” Dazai wasn’t so sure himself. He never had a real relationship. The guy from his teen years didn’t count at all and the hook ups even less.

“Dazai, denial is not a good look on you” Atsushi arched an eyebrow, he was ruling him up and Dazai wanted to shrink into a rock and never have to turn back.

“What is that supposed to me-“ He was caught up by Atsushi hushing him by a flat hand in front of his face.

“Why is Chuuya’s sweater in your closet then? Why do you have matching keychains? And yes I did notice it. Don’t even try to hide it” Atsushi reprimanded him with a knowing smile and Dazai’s retort died on his tongue. “Look maybe you are friends but it seems that there could be more between you. Aren’t you curious?”

He was in fact curious about it. What would it be like being together with Chuuya? Lazy mornings spent in bed, being held in Chuuya’s strong arms in a tight grip because he always held him like that. As if he could vanish every possible second. Soft caresses when he was about to fall asleep.

That curiosity also brought with itself a new hidden fear. A gnawing sensation around his being crawled into his brain.

“I don’t wanna think about it” Dazai gave himself a mental slap on the cheek and finished his makeup and outfit.

“There is also the rumor that you and Chuuya are dating. When people will find out that you will theoretically live together the rumors will spread like wildfire-“ Atsushi tried but Dazai held his hand up and he immediately stopped.

“That’s insanely stupid!” He laughed but it was strained. It struck Dazai like lightning. Him and Chuuya…dating!? What a funny thing, almost ridiculous, absurd some would say, hilarious, silly and whimsical idea to say-

“Dazai, are you okay?”

“Yeah I’m totally fine. Just thinking about it..” He whispered to no one in particular.

“I mean you are always seen together. You come to school together and have practically a corner in the library reserved as yours” Atsushi was prodding because his curiosity got him bad. Obviously he was happy for his friend. Don’t get him wrong.

Dazai blurred the two out. The thought that people were getting the idea that Chuuya and he were dating didn’t bother him in the slightest.

But why did his heart ache at the thought of them dating? Why did his heart jump at the thought of Chuuya holding him in the night or kissing him good morning. That traitorous heart of his!

“When did you know that you caught feelings for each other?” Dazai’s focus lay on the phoenix painting on their wall. At the moment he could only see red.

“I couldn’t think about him with anyone else. Even if I tried to be happy for him my heart couldn’t handle it” Akutagawa confessed and grabbed Atsushi’s hand.

Dazai never claimed themself to be possessive but the clear image of Chuuya walking around town with someone else was bugging him. A sudden rage overcame him and left as soon as it came.

“When he didn’t reach out and we weren’t talking I felt as if something was missing. At first I thought it was all platonic but the moment I saw him again I just wanted to kiss him senseless and-“

It was enough. Why did the couple’s experience sound exactly how he felt in the past months when he didn’t reach out to Chuuya? Why? He had to put a stop to it.

“I don’t wanna think or talk about it. I have to deal with it. I appreciate your concern and support. If I need it I’ll come back to you” He smiled softly to show his sincerity but on the inside he felt like a wreck.

Atsushi nodded and the three made it out of the house in time.

They still had to take the bus. The ten minute ride gave Dazai enough time to rewind and think through the relationship dynamic between him and Chuuya.

Dazai knew that he loved Chuuya, but was it romantic? He didn’t have many romantic experiences to compare it with. They had hooked up with a handful of people and then there was that boy in his teen years but that wasn’t love.

A sudden fear clung to their very soul. He didn’t want to destroy their relationship because of some fussy feelings.
It wasn’t worth it.

When he had isolated himself they had missed Chuuya, longed to be around him again to see his smile when he really laughed and not that half smile he put on to be respectful. His strong arms that could hoist him easily up as if he weighed nothing. His voice rang in his ears like a lullaby. And most importantly the last night they spent together. They saw it in front of their eyes as if they rewatched their favorite show.

He remembered the way Chuuya slung his arms around his waist and held him tight. His warmth spilling onto Dazai’s cold skin as if they burned. Dazai was able to hear his steady heartbeat. It was unfair how calm Chuuya had been while his heart was about to burst into a million pieces.

Dazai remembered the way Chuuya cradled his cheek as if it was precious and kissed it with the softest and sweetest smile he had ever seen.

He wanted him to do it all over again and again and if he had stopped then he would have died.

His mind was filled with images of Chuuya. His reddish hair, his freckled face, his grayish eyes that can cut through him like a knife, his neat handwriting and his joyous laugh that filled the air like a freshly baked pie. Chuuya himself was like a warm hug on a cold winter's day.

Dazai’s heart was hurting, it ached for Chuuya as if he hadn’t seen him two days ago. He clutched his chest where his heart lay under.

They had to see him.

After the longest ten minutes he had to endure the three stepped out of the bus and walked towards the party.

From afar you could hear the telltale party songs, screams and cheers.

Dazai was for some reason looking forward to the party. Since he started going to college his social life had expanded and his social outings as well. His therapist would be more than happy to hear about that.

The huge doors were open and along the porch stood people chatting and drinking or making out with each other.

Dazai didn’t recognise any of them, all of their faces blended together.

Atsushi and Akutagawa excused themself to some of their friends, leaving Dazai in the kitchen alone to fetch themself a drink.

The noisy music, the loud chatter, the bass volume being turned to the max and the lack of comfort and familiarity made him uneasy.

Fresh air. That’s what he needed. He stepped into the backyard and was startled by someone loudly whistling.

“Hey idiot, you look good” It was Chuuya.

His hair was partially covered by a hat that resembled one of a pirate, around his very naked neck was a wooden necklace bound and his upper body was not a bit hidden by a loose white blouse. Four whole buttons were open, his strong and muscular build was on display as if he was a dish. Dazai felt drool slipping past his lips.

“My eyes are up here” He must have been staring because lord have mercy it was a crime to look this good.

Maybe in another universe Chuuya must have been a vessel for a god because he was a picturesque godlike man.

“You’re so tiny I would still have to look down to look at you” Dazai tried to save himself with a stupid remark because otherwise he would jump the man in front of him.

“I noticed you staring at my tit*. I work out for that reason” Chuuya smirked and blew cigarette smoke in his face. They stood way too close together. One part of his brain was screaming at him to grab Chuuya and run away with him far away from the eyes of other people and to kiss him senseless. The other part told him to retreat as fast as he could to keep himself safe and sound.

Good that he never trusted himself from the very start.

“Ugh shut it” Dazai grinned and punched Chuuya lightly on the shoulder.

“Come on we’ll get you something to drink” Only then did Dazai notice that his cup was empty. When did he drink it? He couldn’t remember.

From that moment on everything went downhill. To put it mildly.

The later it got the more he drank.

The porch or the backyard was his comfort place for the night while he chatted with Chuuya about God and the world.

It started with small talk about uni and went on with the kind of music they enjoyed at the moment to Chuuya’s job and all of the sudden they stopped at the symbolism of cannibalism.

It was way past midnight when Chuuya was dragged inside by Tachihara. He excused himself and Dazai missed him the second he left.

The weather app was boring after opening it multiple times and seeing that it was going to be cloudy in the upcoming days. The stupid game they always played when they were bored had lost its appeal as well. He grew irritated with every passing second.

He didn’t know if he actually slapped his cheek or if he did that mentally. The cheek definitely hurt either way. The glass door opened again and a group of people came out. They were the main characters of Super Mario.

“Yo we would smoke here if that’s fine with you, bro” Mario asked him and Luigi pulled out a joint.

“Nah it’s totally fine” Dazai reassured them.

“You got a lighter for us?” Mario asked again and Dazai stepped towards the group, he had never seen Princess Peach that high before. The girl's eyes were redder than Mario’s hat and Luigi had also seen better days. He handed Mario the lighter and was about to retreat into his dark corner when Luigi called out for him.

“Hey Dracula, you wanna join?”

He had never smoked weed before. But he could try it, Chuuya had been gone for over ten minutes and he was starting to get antsy. Maybe it could help him calm down? He was grinding his teeth until his jaw hurt. That was the final sign and he gave in.

“You look so hot in that outfit” Peach had introduced herself about twenty minutes ago but Dazai had already forgotten her name.

He smiled slightly as in thanking her. He couldn’t talk. She was talking to him, gesturing with her hands wildly and tucking her hair behind her ear. Every possible answer or question was lost in his tongue as if he forgot what it meant to hold a conversation with someone. Was that normal? His mouth felt dry. He needed to drink something.

The group was chatting and smoking another joint, they didn’t pay him attention so Dazai weaseled his way back into the house. Princess Peach also lost interest in him after he didn’t answer her questions.

His senses were fully dulled, a single step felt like fifteen, his mind was doing backflips. The music wasn’t as loud as it had been when he got here and the heat didn’t make him feel like he was dying. It warmed him up.

“There you are!” Atsushi and Akutagawa greeted him when he entered the kitchen.

“You are high” Atsushi declared as he looked at Dazai.

“What gave you that impression?” He grinned wickedly and filled a glass with tap water.

“Your eyes are red. Almost the color of Chuuya’s hair” Akutagawa added.

“Oh, speaking of the devil, where is he?” Dazai purposefully ignored the accusations and looked around the open kitchen area that blended in with the living room where most people were dancing or sitting around.

“He’s not with you? I didn’t see him since you two were talking in the backyard” Atsushi wondered.

A man came crashing into the counter and asked for a refill of a shot glass. Dazai was kind enough and refilled the glass with a good amount of vodka. The man left as fast as he came crashing in.

“No obviously he is not with me or else I would not have asked you” Dazai was getting slightly mad. Where was the gnome?

Atsushi promised to search for him, Akutagawa tagged along. If they would find him they would text him.

Dazai was alone in the kitchen and clutched onto the counter with his whole might.

Maybe Chuuya was gone with someone.

Making out in the bathroom or even worse getting home with someone.

It made bile rise in their throat and for a second he felt a sour taste in his mouth.

He took a shot glass and filled it with Vodka, chugged it down and repeated it again. And again. And again. And again.

He felt dirty. As if he did something filthy.
He knew he could not give Chuuya what he deserved, because Chuuya deserved the world, no, the universe and not even that would be enough. Why would Chuuya like someone like Dazai?

It made absolutely no sense.
He flung his arms around their waist and pressed until his ribs were hurting.

He felt like he was bleeding out.

“Seven minutes in heaven starts now” Someone was screaming it from the living room and people stumbled in or out the living room.

Chuuya would participate in such a stupid teenage game. Dazai knew him.

Dazai tumbled forwards and leaned onto the wall to not fall down because he lost control over his legs after the second shot.

It was even more difficult to keep his eyelids open. He had to search for Chuuya! They repeated it like a prayer.

From the corner he saw it. A speckle of red. They followed with their tired eyes the redhead and saw him sitting on one couch.

People cheered for him and Chuuya’s name was chanted like the newest pop song throughout the room. Next to him sat some other people. He didn’t remember their name and was less interested in asking them.

Then it hit him. Why could someone who was so well known and liked by such a mass of people be in love with someone like Dazai?

He was nothing more than an antisocial and depressed man. Nothing more. What could Chuuya like about him? It was a painful truth. Maybe it wasn’t the truth and he tried to run away from the possibility that Chuuya liked him because he was not good enough for Chuuya.

He would make him worse, worried all the time and depressed as well. Tears welled up in his eyes and they swallowed the lump that started to form itself in his throat. He didn’t know if it was bile, maybe he was so disgusted with himself that he was getting sick.

Chuuya spread his arms on the pillow and opened his legs wide to let Tachihara sit between them on the carpeted floor. Dazai’s eyes followed the movement like in slow motion. Oh, how he wished it was him.

Dazai never understood that game. Not only was it childish it was also annoyingly overrated. Why should two people be forced to be in a closet for seven minutes? Was that the appropriate time to get to know someone? Hell no.

Dazai had imagined himself being one of the chosen ones who had to go in the closet with someone and always pictured themself talking the other person’s ear off. He would never randomly make out with someone he barely knew…he left that in the past.

“Why don’t you play with them?” Behind him appears all of the sudden a dark figure. Long black hair was hung loose around a thin body clad in a white gown.

“I am the girl from the movie ‘the ring’” the person pointed at their face and now it clicked inside Dazai’s brain that this was Akutagawa’s sibling. The same stoic and cold face and attitude.

“Don’t feel like it” Their words hurt his throat from not talking for a long time.

“Hm I get it” Gin nodded and moved towards the kitchen isle to get themself a glass of soda.

“Here take this” They handed Dazai the glass.

“What about you?” He questioned, his mind, his genius mind, backstabbed him. Nothing made sense anymore.

“I am driving Higuchi home along with Tachi and your loverboy” Gin nodded towards the living room where the first couple was picked. Two strangers. Dazai didn’t recall ever hearing their names.

“Good. That’s good” The words were slurred and he only wanted to go home and hide under his bed.

“Someone passed out earlier. Chuuya was called inside to do CPR” Gin said after a long moment of silence between the two. Both had moved into the kitchen instead of staying in the threshold.

They arched an eyebrow.

“I saw you staring daggers into Chuuya’s form. He’s known to be like the superman of our friend group. If something happens we always come to him first. So before we called an ambulance he tried his luck. The girl is fast asleep upstairs. Higuchi is with her” Gin explained the situation and it did make sense.

“Didn’t he text you?” Gin asked and munched on a cookie.

Dazai looked away in shame. Of course he had checked his messages, almost insanely often. He had never received a single one.

“You don’t have reception in the house. You need to go outside to actually get a good connection” Gin informed him.

He excused himself and went to the door. All of the sudden his phone was tormented by messages.

Chuuya 01:34:
‘Im upstairs and some girl passed out. She’s stable and asleep. Come inside it’s f*cking could out there you’ll get sick’
Chuuya 01:35:
‘I’ll wait for you upstairs’
Chuuya 01:47:
‘Where are you? I am searching for you everywhere??’
Chuuya 01:58:
‘Dazai!!! Pls text me or call me if you read this. I’m worried’
Chuuya 02:23:
‘Are you home already? You could’ve texted me.’
Chuuya 02:56:
‘Did I do something wrong?’

The bile came up again and he quickly sprinted towards a bush and hunched over. He heaved bile and shame out of his mouth. Wet streaks rolled down his cheeks and he couldn’t tell if he was gaping or screaming. A known pressure formed in his head and if he had the chance he would have disappeared in that exact moment.

After what felt like eternity and many other attempts to fully empty his stomach, he turned around and saw Gin standing in the doorway with a glass of water in their hand. They smiled softly with a hint of pity.

“Here drink something” He grimaced at the thought of drinking something and just waved them off and hurried back inside because it was freezing out there.

“Dazai you are wasted. I can drive you home if you want” Gin looked at him with a strong stare similar to one of an authority figure, he shivered.

“No I’m staying” They insisted on it and searched in the kitchen for something edible that would not make him throw up.

The air in his lungs seemed to get thinner with every passing second. He felt his heart racing in his chest, the binder contradicting even breaths and Dazai felt himself hyperventilating.

“Gin you need to help me get this thing off” Hopefully they heard him well enough through his labored breaths and took him with them to the bathroom.

It all felt like a fever dream. Gin unbuttoned his dress shirt, asking him if he got a spare bra with him, he did luckily pack a loose bralette which would make his chest look flat enough but was much softer to his skin and lung efficiency.

Gin left them there for a second and looked for Dazai’s bag in the living room. He didn’t dare to look in the mirror. The makeup must have been worn off and the mascara he had applied smeared under his eyes made him seem like he hadn’t slept in months.

Dazai just wanted to go home and sleep it all off.

Gin hurried inside again and locked the door. Their eyes were bulging out of their sockets.

“You don’t want to go outside right now” They handed him the bralette and he quickly put it on.

“Why?” His voice was much more raspy than anticipated and he coughed and asked again. “Why shouldn’t I go outside?” He had a feeling he knew it.

“Just be kind to yourself for once and don’t go outside” But his hands were in the handle and Gin was not strong enough to stop him.

He sprinted towards the living room and caught a glimpse of red hair going into the closet. Cheers and applause were all around him but it all felt like hammers breaking his skull. Or his heart.

Dazai was done for the night and went to the backyard again.

The stoners were still there and didn’t pay him attention when he grabbed the pack of cigarettes.

He was fine.

He lit the first cigarette.

Chuuya was just his friend. His best friend. The closest he had ever been with someone. They had no right to be jealous. Chuuya was just his friend and nothing else. Friends didn’t get jealous when their friend was chosen to spend seven minutes with god knows who in a closet that could possibly end up in a steamy and horny make out session.

No he wasn’t jealous.

He lit his second cigarette.

He didn’t have the right to feel that way. Chuuya would never love someone like him. He wouldn’t date himself either. He was not in the right state of mind most of the time and couldn’t treat his significant other the way they deserved it. They often didn't look after themself so how did he imagine him being able to look after someone? It was impossible. He was simply a chronically depressed, anxious and lonely boy who didn’t get enough love in his youth and took it all for himself the second he got a grain of attention.

He should feel ashamed.

He lit his third cigarette.

Why was he even here? The parties were known to be sh*tty and most people got so sh*tfaced that they had to call the ambulance most of the time. The people only came here to drink and take someone home when the stars align. It was a sh*t show of show offs. This wasn’t the world he wanted for himself. But here he was. Waiting in the back like a little child for the man he loves to come see him and tell him that he didn’t make out with the person he was with in the closet and that they could go back to how things were when they just met.

He did love him.

Dazai loves Chuuya.

More than he could imagine.

He crushed his third cigarette in his hands and burned his palm.

When he was about to go back inside the door opened and there he stood. The man of his dreams. The pest he was thinking about 24/7 without a pause and the reason his heart kept on beating.

Chuuya stood there all in his glory and form.

He outstretched his hand like an invitation with a smile as soft as feathers.

And because Dazai was only a man did he accept and let Chuuya guide the way towards the front door.

Chapter 16: Newest date idea for you and your homies: you are at MCDonalds and tell each other how much you mean to each other while holding intense eye contact (no hom*o tho y’all are wearing socks)

Chapter Text

“Im hungry!!”

“I’m cold”

“I think I pissed my pants”

“No someone spilled their drink earlier”

“Smell it”

“No ew”

“I think I’m gonna throw up”

“Please put your head out the window”

“No, take a trash bag. Gin has some on the side somewhere”

“Can we please stop at Mc Donald’s or something. I want chicken nuggets”

“I want an ice cream”

“I want fries”

“They have vegan nuggets you can try some”

“No get the real ones they taste much better trust me”

“No I don’t eat meat you f*cking imbecile”

“Could you guys shut up I’m driving” Gin punched the wheel and the chatter stopped immediately. To say the car was full was an understatement. Higuchi sat in the front next to Gin, in the back sat Tachihara, Atsushi and Akutagawa and in the luggage space were Dazai and Chuuya squished from knee to shoulder next to each other. Neither had said a word till now but their hands were warming up in each other's palms.

It had been a horrible night.

But it had started so well, so what went wrong?

He and Dazai were chatting carelessly and the booze made him feel lighter than usual. The music was also not as bad as it had been at the party before so it had been a good start.

Chuuya thought back to the moment Tachi came out, calling him to rush inside. And there she lay.

With her clothes all around herself and with barely clothing on her to cover herself up.

He didn’t remember her name but a guy was standing next to her also heavily drunk and out of his mind, panicking and crying. Through heavy sobs he could make out that they were about to f*ck but she passed out and didn’t respond to the guy anymore.

Chuuya did the thing he was best at and she woke up. Startled but she was able to drink water and passed out a half an hour later with Higuchi at her side, a bucket, aspirin and a bottle of cold water.

He wanted to pick up the conversation with Dazai where he had left it but couldn’t find him anywhere. It seemed that all of the sudden he had been the Center of attention because hoards of people approached him and chatted with him. He only remembered half of their names. Some were apparently acquaintances of his sister and some knew him from kindergarten(?) He was more than confused and his lungs ached to be outside with Dazai.

But when he got there the other was gone. In the kitchen he was also nowhere to be seen.

He texted Dazai multiple times but never received an answer or a call.

His friends also didn’t see him.

Why would he leave all of the sudden?

“You’ve seen Dazai?” He screamed over the music and Atsushi pointed outside. Chuuya felt like tugging at his hair until he was bald. The idiot wasn’t there!

So he opted for the front porch. He went to the front to smoke a few cigarettes until his lungs hurt . Maybe he should quit. It was much more comfortable than in the back given how a strong metal door kept all the noises inside instead of a glass door.

When he got in after what felt like hours he accepted the fact that Dazai had left. He ground his teeth together because why in the hell would Dazai leave all of the sudden? It didn’t make sense!

He was more than pissed at the other but the worry that gnawed at his brain overloaded his brain with too many emotions.

He didn’t even step through the door when he got pulled by Tachi by his collar to play a game. No energy was left in him to counteract so he allowed his friend to pull him with the tide

And then there was the stupid party game he got himself stuck in. Seven minutes in heaven or more like seven minutes in hell.

It wasn’t hell though. He got picked with a girl he didn’t know and when they were in the closet together he immediately told her that he was gay and that was it.

“You got a girlfriend?” He had repeated in utmost shock.

“Do I look straight to you?” Chuuya looked her up and down and noticed the rainbow bracelet on.

“No but you could also never know! My gaydar is horrible” He had joked and sipped on his beer.

“My gaydar is amazing. The second you stepped through that door I knew you were one of us” He chocked on his beer, no one had ever said that about him. He didn’t hate the fact you could ‘tell’ that he was gay it was rather amusing.

“How so?” He questioned and sat down and crossed his legs, she did the same.

“The way you present yourself, the way you dress it is much more confident than a straight cis man, the way you light your cig and I could definitely tell from the way you look at Dracula” She had smirked knowingly over her pink concoction and winked at him.

“Ah Dracula. Yeah he’s a good friend of mine. One of my best friends would even say” Chuuya thought back to the conversation he had earlier with Dazai. How their eyes sparkled and the shy but reserved smile they had given them. It was precious.

“You like them. Don’t you?” she had nudged him in the shoulder and he felt himself smiling even if there was no reason for it. He felt drained, his mind was telling him to go home and his body was aching. He just wanted to see Dazai or at least know if the other was home or wherever they were.

“I do. It was hard not to like him. We spent so much time together and whenever I’m with him I feel like he sees me” Chuuya really looked at her and he saw love in her eyes.

They had talked the whole seven minutes about other things, why the world was about to end soon and why some artists shouldn’t have a platform and much more.

They exchanged numbers before the timer was going off and they exited the closet.

Eyes bored into him like needles. Tachi raised his eyebrows as if trying to telepathically communicate with him. Chuuya shook his head and that was that.

After that he didn’t really listen to them anymore. The chatter and the giggles when another pair was picked. Tachi brought him his sixth…or ninth drink of the night? He didn’t even remember how much he drank.

“Chuuya, we’re about to go!” It was Gin in their scary girl outfit that came up running towards him and dragging towards the back. ”Look who I found. Take him with us. He’s wasted”

He followed their finger, stood in the threshold of the back door and saw Dazai there. Standing around like a child who had lost their parents in a crowd. A sh*tty lamp lit up the balcony and Dazai was standing right in the middle. Their hair seemed to glow and his collarbones looked more prominent. His face was shadowed by standing with his back towards the light and Chuuya couldn’t make out his eyes.

He hesitated to call out for him.

If he had his camera with him he would have definitely taken a picture. A picture to keep this memory for him, only him. Taking a photo with his phone would never compare to a photograph taken by a camera because Dazai looked like a fallen angel.

He had focused their eyes on the ground, their shoulders hunched close and when he fully focused his eyes, Chuuya could make out how Dazai bit his lip.

As if the other could hear his thoughts he glanced at him. As if both their eyes were connected by a magnetic connection and only each other could grasp their attention. It sent a shiver down Chuuya’s back.

Only then did he notice how cold it was.

He held out a hand and the other stepped forward.

Dazai’s eyes were red. Did he cry? No, then his lips would have been more plump and they had applied makeup and it would have been smeared under his eyes.

“We are taking you with us. Come on” Chuuya said and clasped their hands together. Dazai’s fingers were freezing.

So there they were now. In the back of Gin’s car with a good amount of people inside on their way to a fast food restaurant to satisfy their midnight drunk cravings.

Neither had said a word since they stepped in the car. From the speakers was a slow song playing a lullaby-like tune and it weirdly calmed Chuuya’s nerves.

He wanted to reach out and see Dazai, to know why the other looked like a wreck, why the other was so quiet for some reason. He had the biggest mouth most of the time so what happened that made him go silent?

A noise, a movement, a scream would have been enough for Chuuya but this silence was killing him.

He wanted to take the other face and make him speak because he wasn’t able to function straight when the other was quite like right now.

Anger and frustration crippled at his fingertips and the more seconds he held the other hand it had gotten worse. It thrummed through him like liquor.

Was he drunk or simply in need to talk to the other?

He didn’t have time to ponder much more as Gin parked in the parking lot of a fast food chain.

“I’ll get a happy meal!” Tachi screamed and ran off towards the entrance.

The two in the back crawled out and Chuuya’s hand felt lonely and cold. It also gave him space to breath in peace.

As if Dazai didn’t want him to calm down, the other languidly walked up to him and took his hand again in his.

The touch was unbearable. Too hot, too much, too little and made his nerves alight.

After the group got each something to eat they sat down and Chuuya used that moment to sneak with Dazai outside for a quick smoke.

“You’re gonna sulk all night? Or are you gonna tell me what’s bugging you?” Chuuya mumbled around his cigarette and gave his lighter to Dazai. The other hesitated, bit their lip as if that could be seen as an answer and Chuuya could see the inner conflict inside Dazai as the other additionally furrowed their brows.

Dazai had never been easy to read but Chuuya would go that far and say that he was pretty good at it. Like the way Dazai’s eyes sparkled whenever he talked about something that interested him or how his lips formed an icy smile whenever he disliked someone and talked to them.

Right now he looked at the cigarette as if it could tell them what the problem was.

“First off I'm very drunk and very high” Dazai hiccuped and held a hand against his mouth.

That wasn’t so hard to tell from the glaze in his eyes or the slow reactions.

“And if one of us is allowed to be pissed it should be me” Dazai looked away and Chuuya sighed deeply.

“What are you try-“ Chuuya attempted to get out but was cut off.

“You left me alone outside and I didn’t see you and then all of the sudden you’re inside the closet probably getting your dick sucked or whatever and I was standing right next to it and saw it!” Dazai was wailing and throwing a tantrum like a little child. “I don’t even know why I’m so angry and frustrated. It's just I thought we would have a cool party together, sing and dance with each other, laugh at drunk people and things like that but no! You had to leave and be the superman of the night!! At least lie to me and tell me that you made out with the girl” Dazai was borderline crying at the moment. His hands covered his face and Chuuya felt embarrassed to say that it made him giggle inside because Dazai was simply wasted and blabbered nonsense.

“Hey Dazai” He whispered next to his ear and he saw Dazai’s eye peeking out, oh he was doing that on purpose the bastard. Playing the pissed child card like they had mastered it years ago.

“She is into girls and has a girlfriend” Chuuya smiled slightly as Dazai slowly but surely let go of his hands, they rested on his knees.

“She is?” Dazai’s eyes were hopeful, relief was written over his face.

“Yes, who do you take me for?” Chuuya giggled when he saw Dazai looking away in shame. What a brat the man can be sometimes! “Getting my dick sucked by some random girl i have not known for more than mere hours is insane even for me”

“So you would be fine if it had been a man you've met hours ago?” Dazai prodded and Chuuya snickered at the bold question.

“Why're you asking?” He smirked and had to hold back a laugh when he saw Dazai’s flustered face. “You're interested?”

“I am just asking for a curious friend, nothing else” Dazai glanced at him with a dangerous glint in their eyes, it made fire blaze through Chuuya’s veins. Even though Dazai was visibly more drunk they never backed down, stubborn idiot.

“Does that curious friend have brown hair and very red eyes?” Chuuya prodded more and pushed his shoulder. Dazai, the dead weight he was, almost fell to the side because of the sudden push.

“They're not that red right?” He covered his eyes and Chuuya stifled a laugh. He grabbed his phone and pried Dazai’s hands away. “Here”

He snapped a picture and showed it to Dazai, the other gasped when they saw their eyes and Chuuya didn't remember when he had laughed that much.

“Why didn’t you sit with Tachi, Atsushi or Aku earlier? All of them were worried about you too, you know?” After the other had calmed down Chuuya asked the question that had bugged him sincere lost Dazai in the crowd.

“I wanted to be with you” Dazai’s eyes gave nothing away and Chuuya was stunned.

“I don't feel so well being alone with strangers, unlike you. You're like some social butterfly. Everyone adores you, it's insane” Dazai found a twig nearby and drew random patterns onto the ground.

I Wanted to be with you.

It echoed in his brain like a prayer.

Dazai Osamu, the one who always acted like he was untouchable for others, who saw himself as someone superior to others, the one who would rather be alone for the rest of his life than having to interact with people, wanted to be with him, not anyone but him.

Chuuya was dreaming, he had to be dreaming, right?

He saw Dazai still talking but everything was static noise to him. He only heard Dazai telling him that he wanted to be with him. He was insane for that, borderline sick, a psychopath, because who even wanted that?

Chhuya thought about the years he spent alone in his room, thinking about having friends who saw him and wanted to be with him not for his abilities but for being himself.

And here the two sat. One talking about something that went straight through Chuuya’s brain and the other having an existential crisis because he still couldn't believe how much he was needed.

Maybe that was what he had been searching for all this time. Someone who needed him just as much as he needed them. Let's be fair, he did in fact needed Dazai, whether he was alone in a lecture without the other or at home lazing around without having Dazai’s voice near him filling a void he had thought had been closed off years ago.

“Chuuya, are you crying?” He saw splotches of brown and black in front of him where Dazai had been sitting a second ago in clear vision and when he tried to rebut Dazai’s question he was unable to talk, his lips trembling horrendously.

Chuuya didn't know if words or just noises came out of his mouth and lunged forward and flung his arms around Dazai and crushed him in a deathly hug.

Dazai had stilled for a second but he quickly recovered and hugged him back with the same tight embrace.

“I love you so much” the words stumbled out of his mouth faster than he could think and before he could regret them they came back.

“I love you more, Sunshine” His heart couldn't take much more. He let go and saw Dazai giving him one of his signature smiles, the one he only gave in secret and would never talk about later.

Dazai was beautiful.

“Come on I’m hungry”

–

Chuuya woke up the next day with a horrible hangover. A bugging headache plagued his body and his limbs felt ten times heavier. He opened his eyes to Tachi next to him, snoring and drooling all over the pillow. Chuuya took some fresh clothes with him and showered quickly before making breakfast. In the living room Atsushi and Aku were on the couch soundly cuddling, he assumed Higuchi and Gin were in Tachi’s bed.

He placed plates on the table but no one had woken up so he ate alone on the balcony. The weather wasn't really made to sit in thin clothes and wet hair outside but Chuuya still enjoyed the fresh breeze.

The evening crashed back like a meteor in his mind. Dazai and him chatting, then the girl, the closet and the talk he had with Dazai at the restaurant. Was the other going to remember it? He hoped so. It meant so much to him to hear those words.

Sometimes Dazai just knew exactly what to say to ease his mind, as if he saw the questions and worries in Chuuya’s mind and smashed them with a few simple words.

Maybe he was an idiot for trusting Dazai so much, but how could he not when the other bared their heart to him on a platter?

“Why are you awake at this time? It's Saturday!” His sister's voice sounded amused and given how she smiled he knew she was happy to see him. The screen showed his sister in her work attire in front of a blank white wall.

“Hello, to you too” He grumbled and took a spoonful of food.“You didn't send me a picture of your costume, you liar”

“Firstly eat then speak, even if you're not sitting at a table” He rolled his eyes at his sister going of on manners and all that “Secondly I was called in late to the boutique I didn't go to any party”

He saw her smile fading away and her face was taken over by a melancholic smile as if she was reminiscing about older days where her work wasn't her priority. He wondered quite often if she ever regretted taking over such a huge business instead of living her life like all her school friends. They were out and frequent the bar downtown without her. Kouyou sat professionally in her moderate office working her ass off almost through the whole week.

“But you do seem like you had fun last night” He wanted to scream internally and told her everything that had happened.

“That was a lot, oh my” The sleeve of the kimono covered the back of her hand when she held it against her mouth.

“You sound like a fifty year old when you react like that” Chuuya grumbled and sipped at a glass of water.

“Maybe I am fifty years old!” He hid his smile behind the cup. “But I am glad that you and Dazai were able to talk about it, your friendship is too precious to break off for such a reason”

“Are you gonna come over for Christmas?” Kouyou went on about her work when the thought came into Chuuya’s mind. He knew the answer before his sister even uttered a word. The known smile, full of pity as if it was an unspoken tradition between them.

“It's difficult, Chuuya. I'm so sorry” He knew there was no reason to be angry about it, it was not like Kouyou didn't want to see him, he knew how big the income was for her on Christmas. “What about Tachi or Dazai?”

“Tachi goes home for the week to visit his uncle. Aku and Gin go home just like Atsushi. I don't know about Dazai and I don't want to intrude, what if they celebrate with their whole family. I would feel amiss” Chuuya scratched his stumbles on his cheeks, he should shave later.

“Don't say that. It is always funnier with you around. You've always been mature for your age. Always the one who was quiet but knew when to say the appropriate things” Kouyou tried to encourage him.

“Yeah and why is that? Because Paul punched me blue and red when I raised my voice at the wrong time” He ground his teeth together and felt shame painting his heart when he saw the guilty look Kouyou gave him. The second those words left his mouth he wanted to punch himself. “Don't feel guilty, the man is a lunatic, no one would have been able to stop him”

“Then don’t impose that it had been my fault. We have all suffered with him. One of us more than the other but he still left a mark. Chuuya if you want to let some anger off then go to the gym but don't let me be the boxing sack” She didn’t smile or even seemed to cover up, Kouyou used the customer voice, he had heard it before. An ice cold voice that was dripping venom. His screen switched to his Home Screen and he sighed.

What a dick he could be sometimes.

Chuuya didn't remember how many rounds he had done but he stopped when he felt his knuckles bleeding. He did go to the gym and went straight to the boxing area. Through the fabric covering his knuckles he saw red blotches staining it. He was in a momentary trance as he watched the red dots connect to a single red line from his pinky to his pointer finger.

It all came crashing back with every punch.

He stood there for a second, sweat dripping from his forehead and he grimaced at the uncomfortable stretch in his left shoulder.

Breathing was difficult for some reason. He really should consider his smoking tendencies.

He felt the pain surge through him like electricity and he relinquished it as if it was a drug and he the addict. He deserved every single one of the punches to his gut. Why did he have to bring him up? He wasn't the angry and spiteful teenager like he used to. He was much better than this, so why did those words slip out of his mouth earlier?

He gulped down and saw that the blood was so intense that it had started staining the boxing sack, that was the stop sign he needed, his heartbeat was rapid and when he turned away his eyes met familiar brown eyes.

“Hey sunshine, are you doing okay? The boxing sack wont hurt you, you know that?” Dazai smirked at him but followed him nonetheless into the changing room and leaned against the locker while Chuuya searched for a first aid kit.

“Come here” He sat down next to Chuuya on a bench and unbound the bandages around Chuuya’s knuckles. Chuuya held his head low. He didn't have much energy to fend off the other from seeing his hands, his dirty bloody hands.

He felt numb in a weird sense. Usually he would not have allowed anyone to see his hands, alarm bells would have rang loud in his mind but right now he felt open, ripped open and raw. As if Dazai was able to see his insides and he had the ability to quash, move or rip them out. Was that what being vulnerable felt like?

“Why did you keep going? You saw the blood stains, didn’t you?” Dazai held both his hands in theirs. Their thumb brushed over a nasty scar on his left hand. Chuuya didn’t meet his eyes.

“Guess. I think you know well enough why I repeated it” He made the statement clearer by staring at the bandages around Dazai’s arms and neck. The other scoffed. “Why are you even here in the first place?”

“Subscribed to the gym here. I’ll move in a handful of weeks, if I’m lucky I will be next to your door in one week” The cheeky bastard smiled and bound new gauze around the cleaned knuckles.

“Where are your gloves?” Dazai was careful while holding his hands, but it wasn’t patronizing. He didn’t hold him like he was made out of glass, he knew what Chuuya was able to do and handled him like an equal and not like a pitiful and hurt animal.

“In my bag” He unlocked the locker but Dazai was faster and grabbed the black gloves before slipping them over his hands. It was a weird interaction but Chuuya didn’t mind it at all. It was weird in a sense but so familiar and to be honest the two had done much weirder things.

“Aren’t you gonna question about the scars?” Chuuya nudged him mentally not physically.

“Do you want me to? I don’t think that scars are an invitation to ask someone about them” Dazai narrowed his eyes as if he sensed that something was going on, as if he could look into Chuuya’s brain and he was scared to find that he didn’t mind the other actually prying into his brain.

“But you touched them. Isn’t that the same?” Chuuya bit back. Mentally he wanted to slap himself, why was he like that? He acted like a wounded dog and he knew that it was unfair to act out on it and even worse in Dazai’s presence.

“I am sorry to inform you but I could not have renewed the bandages around your hands if I hadn’t touched your hands and it just so happened that I touched a scar on that way” Dazai’s answer was too pure, too honest. Why didn’t he bite back just the same as Chuuya? Why was it Dazai, who was able to calm down Chuuya with rational thoughts? If it were anyone else he probably would have lashed out by now.

“Why did you do it in the first place?” He spat back and on the inside he wanted to scream, tell Dazai that he didn’t mean it like that, apologies for being such a dickhe*d, but instead he was mad at himself and made Dazai the victim of it.

“You are not aware what state you are in right now, am I right?” Chuuya was a hair strand away from rolling his eyes. What the hell was the idiot talking about? What state was he in? He was f*cking livid that was what he felt!

As if Dazai could sense him being blatantly confused they gave him the answer he was looking for.

“You have an anxiety attack” Dazai said the words and the answer mushed together in his brain like an echo.

He could hear Paul berating him. How weak he was. How useless. That he only brought shame into the family. What scum he was. He was able to breath his sh*tty perfume and the room started spinning, it all was like a fever dream and as fast as the room started spinning so did his consciousness.

“I think I’m gonna faint” He mumbled, he could make out Dazai in front of him smiling gently and shaking his head.

“What color is my hair?”

Why the hell was he asking that? It was obviously brown?

“Brown”

“What color is my shirt?”

“Beige” His heart rate was slowing down.

“What eye color do I have?”

“Brown”

Dazai talked him through and afterwards the two exited the gym as if nothing happened.

“Do you have something planned for the next hour or so?” Chuuya voiced when he got to his motorbike, he hadn’t thanked Dazai or hugged him tight. He still felt weirdly numb but he knew he was doing better than a few hours ago.

“No, I'm free. Have you planned something?” Dazai smiled cheekily and it made part of the anger ebb away.

He hadn't visited his mother in a long time.

“I’ll visit my mother” Dazai nodded as if he understood what that meant. Did they though?

Chuuya was impressed how fast Dazai’s brain worked at times like these. No matter how out of it he was, they always had a clear head and made rational choices.

“It will take about twenty minutes. I won’t stay long, I know it’s impulsive and it’s just usually Tachi goes with me or one of my friends so don’t feel pressured or-“

“I’ll go with you, don’t worry” Dazai smiled and climbed onto his motorbike.

Chuuya was momentarily stunned. What did he do in his past life to deserve someone like Dazai. He was like a pillar in the middle of a storm, like a puddle of fresh water in a desert or a warm hut on a snowy night.

How was he able to live without Dazai?

He sat in front of Dazai and they immediately hugged him from behind.

“Do you think I’m too much?” Chuuya stared at the handlebar as if it was the most interesting thing in the world.

“Yeah you are sometimes. But so am I” Chuuya’s cheeks warmed up when he heard Dazai’s voice so close to his ear.

“It’s what I like about you quite a lot” Chuuya now made his hands turn the helmet around in his hands to focus on anything else than the huffs of warmth when Dazai talked next to his ear. “My life is dull and you are passionate and sometimes so much that it feels like you repaint it with the brightest colors I’ve ever seen. Not everyone has to like you, to some you might be too much. You need to find the people who accept and love you, even if you are too much”

Dazai’s arms tightened for a fraction as if they told him: ‘hey I’m one of them!’

Chuuya breathed deeply in and placed the helmet on his head, turned the motor on and drove off.

The words spiraled in his mind. Maybe that endless cycle of anger was never going to stop, but that didn’t mean that he should let it take over so easily. He was better than that, he knew that.

He wasn’t alone anymore, he was allowed to feel and let people see him for who he was instead of building walls high enough for people having to climb them to be able to see his true self.

As if Dazai wanted to remind Chuuya that he wasn’t alone, the other squeezed his waist a bit and Chuuya felt the corner of his lips move up.

Soon he was going to be able to see the world in its colors without guilt and shame gnawing at his skin.

“I hope you are proud of me” He whispered under his breath, Dazai didn’t hear him.

He truly hoped that his mother was proud of him.

Chapter 17: If we make it through December, everything is gonna be alright

Chapter Text

Dazai had never visited a graveyard. There had been no grandparent that had passed in his teen years or a far relative. He had been sheltered from the horrified being that was death.

Even though he escaped death by a hair strand he never had to experience going to a grave or a funeral.

Dazai was aware that Chuuya’s mother had died some time ago. He had told them about him visiting her quite often, mostly on weekends or holidays.

On their way to the graveyard they had picked up a bouquet of flowers and when they arrived Dazai thought that he could feel the air thinning out. As if the atmosphere was void of humanity.

He saw some people strolling around, alone, in pairs or with children by their side, most likely visiting loved ones.

Chuuya had been unusually quiet. He had never been such a talkative person like Dazai but he never was this quiet. His eyes were cast down and the bouquet hung in his hands like a weapon.

The walk to the grave was somber. The clouds covered the sky and the grayish ceiling above them didn’t help the fact how sorrowful the mood had been from the beginning.

The amount of tombstones irritated Dazai to some extent. It was as if they screamed at him to look at them. The sheer amount made him pick his skin. He saw couples laying next to each other, whole families or children who never had the chance to experience life to the fullest before being taken away. How cruel life could be.

Chuuya stopped in his tracks and Dazai knew that they had arrived at his mother’s tombstone.

It was well cared for with no moss or dirt covering the stone. Her name was engraved in cursive with a little sun in the corner.

What made him almost implode was the date of death.

It was Chuuya’s date of birth.

Dazai peeled his eyes off the digits and sneaked a glance at Chuuya.

The man stood there motionless and for the first time he was small.

Dazai joked about his height like it was his favorite pastime activity, him being almost two heads tinier than him. But now the other had his broad shoulders hunched together and his posture was falling in itself. He looked unbelievably tiny.

No one uttered a word.

Dazai didn’t because they couldn’t find the right ones. So he waited for Chuuya to go first and he did after a handful of minutes.

“She died shortly after I was born. Therefore I grew up under Paul’s and Kouyou’s watchful eyes” Chuuya stared at the tombstone and leaned down to sit down at the foot of the grave.

“I never met her but my siblings did. They told me what she was like. I was surprised to find out that I am apparently very similar to her” He smiled slightly and Dazai took that moment to take the bouquet out of his hands and lay it next to the stone, after he had retreated he allowed themself to sit next to Chuuya who scooted over a few inches to make space for Dazai.

“What about your dad?” Dazai asked. Chuuya clenched his jaw but didn’t look at Dazai.

“Left her when she told him she was pregnant. He was some French guy she had met when she went to France. He never reached out after she died so I don’t see him as anything other than a total asshole” Chuuya pondered out loud.

It must have been hard, growing up without a mother and being targeted by your psycho brother.

Maybe Dazai would not have ended up as f*cked up if their mother had died. It was a sick thought, it made bile rise in his throat. But the thought was planted in his brain like a needy seed in lush green fields.

“I felt ashamed for the longest time, holding onto her like my life depended on it while I have never met her” Chuuya laughed, it sounded hollow and so dejected. Dazai wanted to punch him to stop it because this wasn’t the Chuuya he had got to know.

“She’s still your mother. You don’t need an excuse”

“I know I know. When everyone hates you you start to hate yourself just the same and thoughts like that will form. There is no help for that” Chuuya was too far away for Dazai at the moment. As if he was five steps ahead of him.

“You know I got treated pretty sh*tty when I was younger. I wasn’t outright bullied or anything but people were scared of me. I was like a bomb, one more push and I might have exploded” Dazai listened quietly, a storm was brewing inside of him.

“I had no friends and when I did I lost them as quickly. We formed a gang. ‘The Sheep’ Ha! That was fun, I am not going to lie that it has been probably the best and most dangerous time of my life. Everyone around here knew about us. Almost everyday after school we would meet up and I would punch every stupid person out of the way. Kind of hilarious given that I was like a head tinier than now”

Dazai wasn’t surprised in the slightest. Chuuya had the potential to be a professional boxer. With his flexibility, stamina, muscle strength and the ability to fight.

“I felt ashamed because which mother would be proud of their son being in a f*cking gang in his teen years? Kouyou fully ignored it. Only when Shirase and Yuna were arrested, that night she stitched me up but on other nights I got additional black eyes or bruises from my brother” Chuuya’s brows were furrowed.

“It was what ticked me off earlier. The topic Paul is like when you pour oil into fire. I can’t handle it because now I’m old enough to stand up to him and he is gone. As if he knew that I wouldn’t let his antics just wash over me. What a pain in the ass that man is” Chuuya sighed deeply and Dazai saw him closing his eyes.

“Was he always like that?” Dazai dared to question but Chuuya didn’t mind, he only opened his right eye looking with it at Dazai. They were surprisingly calm.

“No, when I got my diabetes diagnosis he went off the rails. That f*cker couldn’t deal with hospital bills and the burden of having a sibling with an illness” Chuuya’s laugh was dry and empty.

“He was nicer to Kouyou, like he used his authority to punish me. I think he saw me as the reason my mother had died. Even though Kouyou had told me many times that my mother had been sick and she was aware. It was risky but she took that risk” Chuuya had his hands in his lap and Dazai tentatively reached out and grabbed one of Chuuya’s hands in his. He squeezed the gloved hand as if to thank him. Chuuya understood it because he looked at him with a small relieved smile.

“What about your family?” Chuuya never asked about his family before but Dazai wasn’t afraid to talk about it.

“My parents were never married so they broke up when I was around twelve I think. We moved a lot. I have lived in the US for quite a long time. Ice skating was very important to me so we moved wherever the next competition was located. At some point my mother got depressed as well. She was desperate. I think she was not made to have children. So she handed me over to my trainer” The words left his mouth faster than he could think.

Dazai didn’t remember ever telling someone so freely about his past, he didn’t leave anything out, the self harm, the treatment he had received from the trainer, all of it.

And Chuuya told him everything as well. It felt like they saw each other from a different aspect. Habits made sense now it’s Chuuya. The short temper or the need to make everyone feel comfortable around him.

Dazai didn’t expect himself to be so normal about it. They had expected to be bawling his eyes out or having struggles with breathing. But with Chuuya it felt like they were discussing the weather at the moment. It was normal, they saw eye to eye without prejudice or any kind of false impression.

“I almost forgot something” They had sat there for over an hour, the wind had picked up and the cold was sneaking its way into Dazai’s bones. Chuuya stood up and placed his jacket on their shoulders. The warmth that radiated from Chuuya immediately spilled on his limbs. It was beautiful, reassuring.

“What is it?” Dazai asked when he was standing next to Chuuya.

“Ehm, it’s kind of embarrassing but when I was around fourteen or so I had a big crush on an ice skater, a pretty popular one I think. It’s like a tradition that I tell my mom about it” Chuuya scratched his neck and Dazai saw that as his cue to excuse himself to wait at Chuuya’s motorbike to give him a moment alone.

Chuuya and he really had no luck in their childhood but that also made it even clear that even the happiest people could have had horrible experiences during their childhood.

But the person he was back then was someone else. That person hadn’t seen what the world had to offer, the cities, landscapes, languages and the people.

People like his family or someone like Chuuya or Atsushi and Kunikida. Those people were worth living for.

Dazai shouldn’t try to compare himself to his old self. That person back then didn’t want to live but right now he wanted to give life a chance. There were obviously going to be ups and downs but now he had people he can rely on. He wasn’t alone.

He truly looked forward to what life had prepared for him.

—

Winter had always been merciless for Dazai. The cold had always crept in through gaps and wound its claws around him in an iron grip.

His bed was most of the time a comfort place and he laid there for more hours than humanly possible. He slept more than being awake and the burden to wake up and get ready for the day had always been a hassle for him.

But not this Winter.

It was a lie to say that he didn’t enjoy winter. The warm mornings spent in bed or a hot tea in the afternoon to calm his nerves.

Not only cold days and dark afternoons met him, but also midterms.

It was messy but he mastered them professionally. Their whole friend group made a truce to not go out for the time being and spent their time at home or the library studying their asses off. Coffee was his lifesaver and toast was his go to meal.

When the day of the exam came round they were sure of themself to be top of his class in every subject.

Chuuya and he presented their project , much too late but their professor approved of it when Dazai had informed her about the circ*mstances, and it turned out that they were the best.

Therefore they went out to drink. They brought all their friends with them and in a low lit bar they took shots until none could form a word.

When they received their grades all of them had passed. Tachihara gifted them both a bottle of expensive wine and they drank in their apartment. The night was spent laughing and enjoying their free time. They played stupid card games and Dazai had lost way too many times for his high ego.

The walk home was not long anymore. He only needed to take a flight of stairs and he was home. Because not even a week after midterms Dazai was Chuuya’s neighbor.

“Are you sure you don’t need the additional bookshelf?” Mori and f*ckuzawa stood in his new room. In the corner stood his bed, at the end stood his desk and behind it the closet and next to it a shelf. It was cramped but Dazai felt giddy. He was able to organize everything by himself and all the posters and pictures he had on their wall can be newly placed.

“Nah it’s good. I’ll just throw a few away or give them to Elise or Yumeno” Dazai looked at the books in the box and saw quite a few children's books. Yeah those weren’t going to stay here.

Fyodor was gone for the weekend with his boyfriend. He said that Dazai should move in that exact weekend, he was not going to be in the way and he could settle in. It was a smart idea.

Yumeno and Elise were laying on the couch in the apartment. A big red L shaped couch with a huge flat screen in the form of them. An episode of Criminal Minds was playing their new show they had binged watched since Chuuya talked with them about it.

Chuuya had come over quite often before the move and chatted with his siblings often. He was almost part of the family at that point. The three exchanged numbers so it was normal that Chuuya was up to date about Elise’s life and Yumeno’s.

It was days like these that Dazai enjoyed so much. Post midterms-stress and all the hassle of moving was gone. Chuuya lazed around on the couch, Fyodor was out with Nikolai and Dazai enjoyed the company while it was snowing outside. Their apartment didn't have a balcony like Chuuya’s. Fyodor said that he didn't need one because he was allergic to the sun and he had asthma, so he forbade Dazai to smoke out the window.

“She really likes that guy from her class” Chuuya had mentioned once they met up.

“Who?” Dazai questioned. He was in the kitchen, cooking a quick lunch for the two while Chuuya was settled neatly on the huge red couch in Dazai’s apartment.

After their project had finished the two still met up. For some reason the thought of them being apart weirded Dazai out. They were so used to Chuuya being around him. It was unimaginable to be without the redhead.

“I don’t know his name, she never told me. But they text frequently” Chuuya scrolled through the episodes they had watched and clicked on the episode they had been watching. After Chuuya mentioned the show Dazai and his siblings started watching it and it turned into a habit that when Chuuya was over that they watched the crime mystery series. The had reached season 3 in two weeks.

“Why is MY sister telling you all of that but not me?” Dazai wasn’t jealous…simply confused you could say.

“Would you go to her to talk about your crush?” Dazai flustered and was happy that Chuuya couldn’t see him. They didn’t think that they had to tell Elise about his crush, she knew even before he did that he had a massive crush on Chuuya.

It was weird how normal it felt to be with Chuuya, even if Dazai wanted to reach out and basically scream at him how much he was adored, he kept quiet, shut their loud mouth and moved on.

For the sake of their friendship he kept their feelings down and the little voices inside his brain that told him to kiss Chuuya breathless were put on mute.

“I…I don’t know. Maybe I would go to her but-“ Dazai hesitated shortly. “Would you tell Kouyou?”

“She has never been interested in love. At first I thought she was into girls the way she rejected any men who flirted with her, but she also rejected any women. Maybe she has a hidden partner somewhere in her office” Chuuya mumbled out loud as he laid his head against the back of the couch. He looked comfortable with Dazai’s sweater on and a high ponytail.

It wasn’t his best look but still one Dazai cherished just the same.

“I doubt that a very popular fashion designer holds her partner hostage in her office. Ever considered that she might be on the aromantic spectrum?” Dazai placed the food on plates and carried them towards the couch. Chuuya grabbed a plate and ogled at the food as if it was made of gold.

“No, that thought has actually never crossed my mind” Chuuya wondered and took a spoonful of food. “She also wouldn’t be the person to come talk to me about stuff like that. She always says that love annoys her or stuff like that. It’s difficult”

What was most difficult at the moment was not laughing because Chuuya had his mouth full with food and he looked like a hamster.

“Is she coming over Christmas break? I would like to meet her” Dazai eyed Chuuya, the second the question left his mouth, Chuuya's content face scrunched up.

“No, she has to work. If you do meet her don't ask her about work, please. She needs some well deserved time off” Chuuya mumbled and sat with crossed legs next to Dazai, his body facing the other. Dazai noticed how Chuuya avoided his eyes like he was about to tell them something but stopped himself from it.

“So what are your plans for Christmas? Are you going with Tachi?” Chuuya shook his head no. Dazai furrowed his brows in confusion, the other couldn't stay alone!

“I thought of cooking a nice dinner or checking out that new restaurant around the corner, the google reviews are pretty good.” He wasn’t irritated per say, but there was a disappointing look in his eyes that scratched at Dazai’s brain. A week ago at the start of December Mori had jumped at the idea of bringing Chuuya over for Christmas. Since Mori had interacted with Chuuya he couldn't keep his mouth shut. Dazai had to interfere at some point and ask his father if he had adopted the redhead overnight.

“Celebrate with us. We actually celebrate it like in the west with the tree, it is made out of plastic, and the mistletoe and all that stuff. The US left no mark on me but on my family” He joked and nudged Chuuya to loosen up.

“Have they ever been to the US?” Chuuya shot back and giggled.

“If I can believe f*ckuzawa’s drunk babbling then he went to America about thirty years ago and me so we have two full fleshed Americans!” Dazai grinned. “And before you pull the oh-but-I-don’t-want-to-be-a-burden-card may I tell you about Mori bugging me for a week or so to ask you to come over. Watch out, maybe he will adopt you. I mean he has a spare room to fill” Chuuya laughed at them imitating Mori annoying him and Dazai was glad to see Chuuya laughing so carefree.

“I don't want to intrude in any way. It is a holiday mostly spent with family..i would feel like I am-” Dazai had enough of that and covered Chuuya’s mouth, a giggle was stopped and Dazai was screaming internally why he did that.

“You won't be. You are very welcome at our home” He sat very close to Chuuya, their thighs almost touching. Bolts of electricity ran through him and alerted his brain. Dazai felt like a man in the middle ages seeing a bare calf for the first time. “Poe will also be there if it makes you less worried, he's been there for over five years I think.”

Since he had lived with the family he had spent Christmas with the pale man. Dazai felt a childish glee in him to be able to prank him again. Even if Halloween was over! The man was so easy to startle, it wasn’t his fault!!

“I will keep it in mind,” Chuuya said and smiled at him.

“You definitely will come, because I am going to personally drag you from your apartment to the house-“ Dazai saw them all together in the spacey living room, lounging and being tipsy from a few too many glasses of wine and singing funny songs.

“Isn’t that like 5km?” Chuuya interrupted his thoughts.

“It doesn’t matter! You get the point. It was a metaphor, do you know what that is?” Dazai felt co*cky but was shocked when the other flung his leg around Dazai’s waist to hoist him up in his lap to punch him in the shoulder. That was…oh my god if he had a dick he knew it would have exploded. Why on earth did god have to make Chuuya so Chuuya-like?

“Hate is a weapon that can harm both the one wielding it and the target. Was that metaphor enough for you?” How the hell did Dazai end up in a headlock? They didn’t remember but instead of complaining he let the other do as he pleased because he was able to feel Chuuya’s arm muscles spasm around his neck and if that was the last thing he saw before dying then let him peacefully go. “You’re quiet? What happened to that sharp tongue of yours?”

“How can it be possible that you’re always thinking of my tongue? You wanna taste it?” Dazai joked while being choked but he had fun.

“You would love that wouldn’t you?” Chuuya prodded and let go of Dazai’s neck and sat down at the couch before he had jumped Dazai. They did miss the warmth.

“As I said you are very much welcome at our Christmas party”

The remaining weeks before the 24th were spent reviewing notes and attending classes while getting used to the apartment.

Dazai had never felt so self-centered and relaxed in a while. There were no distractions from a wailing sibling down the stairs or an untrained dog pissing on his floor like a wild animal. No parent who came in at the worst times possible to tell them to clean the dishes.

There was silence.

If Fyodor was around the apartment he only came to fetch a new pair of clothes and left as quickly, telling Dazai that he had the apartment to themself for the week. He didn’t have any worries about living with the Russian but it turned out he shouldn’t have any.

He was able to cook the food he liked and if he felt generous he sent a text saying that some food was left in the fridge for Fyodor who most of the time replied that he was allergic to a specific food or spice. They were similar in that sense.

The walls were also thick enough to keep noises inside one room. How did Dazai find that out, you might think?

It was deep in the night when he heard the apartment door open and in stumbled a pair of clumsy feet who stumbled around and threw a book down on their way to Fyodor’s room. Hushed voices were heard before the door crashed closed. In the morning he sat at the dinner table eating breakfast while watching a show when Fyodor and a half naked Nikolai patted out of the room, Fyodor’s neck was covered in hickies and Nikolai’s neck didn’t look any less harmed.

One glare from Fyodor stopped the remark to leave his mouth.

It also only took about thirty seconds to be in Chuuya’s apartment. It was a floor beneath them and on the opposite side of the building.

When he didn’t feel like being alone he just stepped down a few stairs and was in their apartment because for some reason Tachi and Chuuya never locked their door.

“Good Morning!” He had greeted Tachihara once when he lazed around in their couch, Chuuya was most likely up and going off in the gym given how his room was empty.

“What time is it?” Instead of asking important questions like how he got into the apartment, Tachi stumbled towards the fridge and checked the contents.

“You don’t have any milk left,” Dazai said, flipping a page in a magazine he found on the couch table. “And it’s currently 2pm”

Tachihara hummed and made himself a coffee. The noise and smell filled the room.

“You want one?” He asked over his shoulder.

“You got oat milk here?”

“Yeah surprisingly we do have oat milk here” Tachihara sounded stunned. “Why do we have that? No one drinks that”

“Then yeah please prepare one for me. Give me the milk I’ll pour it in myself” Dazai moved his legs from the couch. The cup was placed in front of him with the milk carton. He unscrewed the cap and poured the milk in.

Instead of the silky taste of coffee he tasted sour poison. He spit the remaining coffee from his mouth back into the cup.

“What the hell man?” Tachi asked bewildered. He sat down next to him on the couch.

“This is not-Ew what is that?” Dazai inspected the carton. Was it expired?

“Isn’t it supposed to taste somehow sour?” Tachihara started talking about his dislike for plant based milk when Dazai noticed the sticky note stuck to the bottom.

‘That’s for breaking into our apartment and making yourself coffee<3’

It was Chuuya’s writing, very clearly. The cursive and the weird things he did over the ‘I’.

“Ohh he’s gonna regret this” At that moment a silent war started between apartment A04 and B06.

When they saw each other passing in the hallways in uni or the building they lived in neither exchanged a word about the pranks. They started humanely by changing salt with sugar or normal chili powder with extra spicy chili powder. It was human…at first!

“You put disinfection in his mouth wash?” Oda had invited him to dinner with him and Ango before winter break started.
The three sat at their homely lit dinner table, eating a homemade curry. An old recipe Oda got from his mother.

Ango hid his laugh behind a napkin and took his wine glass in his hand to push the laughter away.

“I only did that because he put mayonnaise in my shampoo! My hair was ruined for the day” Dazai protested weakly. The pranks were funny though they were borderline insane.

“You probably ruined his sense of taste for the next few weeks” Ango added like that made it any better. Dazai bit his lip to stop giggling like a love struck teen.

“But I’m glad that you get along better now” Oda folded his hands beneath his chin and smiled proudly. “A few months ago you wanted nothing to do with him”

“He makes me a better person. I do have to confess that. He gets me in a way, no one had ever spent their time and patience on me” Dazai could hear his soft voice, the one he used when it was only him and Chuuya.

“Love does that to people, you know” He watched Ango raising his eyebrow in a silent question as he took another sip.

“Yeah it really does” Dazai didn’t want to lie to them and deny that he had changed. “I have always questioned how you two met”

“Tell them I can sense that you are on your tiptoes to spill him the story” Ofa chuckled and grabbed Ango’s hand in his. Such a small gesture but Ango seemed to melt under it. Did Dazai’s touch have the same effect on Chuuya? He was curious.

“You practically tested me. So I was looking for a present for a friend’s birthday in a bookstore and I didn’t know many books. I don’t read much and then I asked an employee and that exact employee is sitting next to me. He asked me all kinds of questions, very fast and I tried to answer them. I’m not the best with new people. I'd even go that far and say I’m shy so when he asked for my number I gave it him” Ango smiled softly at Oda and Dazai’s heart seemed to do cartwheels.

“We started dating shortly afterwards and yeah now we are here” Oda finished and poured himself another glass of wine.

It was cozy at their place. It was outside of the city. With big windows letting the landscapes act like a giant screen. The couch was soft to the touch and after the dinner the three sat down with their glasses in their hand talking about their lives.

The two fit so well together. Dazai wondered what would have happened if they hadn’t met each other but they stopped going on that train of thought when the two love birds sat right in front of him telling him about the time they were skiing in the Alps and Oda fell down.

“Dazai have you found a place for the upcoming internship?” Ice prickled on his skin. That was the last thing he got on his mind at the moment. They had procrastinated it for months already and it was starting at the end of January.

“Not really. With moving out and midterms I have totally forgotten about it” He smiled apologetically and Oda smiled reassuringly.

“No worries. I have a friend who works at a pretty famous publishing company in London. I can pull some strings if you’d like” The offer sounded heavenly. Four months in London sounded like a dream to him.

“You don’t have to decide now, but think about it. Hard and fast! The position can be taken by anyone else. I’ll send you the details if you’d like” Oda proposed and drank his last sip of wine for the evening.

On the 24th Dazai knocked on Chuuya’s door and told him to get ready. Until he got out he lazed around in the kitchen. Munching on dry bread and drinking a normal coffee, not mixed with vinegar or any other substance.

He called it a truce when Chuuya had knotted all his jeans together and bought a good bottle of red wine and placed it in front of the door with a red ribbon and a little drawing of a dog.

Three slices of bread later and a dry mouth and Chuuya stepped out of his room with a black turtleneck and a pair of loose pants he threw a Flannel over the top and Dazai was able to get a glimpse of abs when he raised his arms. Nice.

Outside the apartment building, a very impatient Yosano waited for them. She had to buy some last minute groceries for the dinner and suggested taking them with her as their place was on the way to the supermarket.

“Come on, I am not allowed to park here!” She shooed them inside and Dazai sat next to her while Chuuya was in the back.

“Midterms went well?” Dazai asked while she waited for the traffic light to turn green.

“Thought I might jump out the window but yeah it went fine. I passed with good grades. I can't complain” She nodded towards him.

“Got the best grade in all of them” He grinned devilishly at her and she rolled her eyes.

“What about you Chuuya? I forgot that another normal human being was in here” She looked through the mirror at him and was visibly startled by her addressing him.

“What is that supposed to mean? I am also a very-“ Dazai put salt in the wound and annoyed them purposely.

“We all know what a genius you are, shut up” Chuuya glared at him and it did its job because it made him go silent.

“How do you do that? Whenever I’ve told him to shut up he only kept going. It’s like there are way too many thoughts in that thing that he likes to call his brain” Yosano stared at Chuuya in wonder.

“Black magic” Yosano rolled her eyes at the comment “Mine went well. I also can’t complain. I passed so I’m good”

The ride went on like that, simple chatter while Yosano told them about their plan for the day. It was fairly early for dinner so they first placed the groceries inside before diving head first into the garage to place the tree in the living room. A shelf and one of the couches had to be moved so Dazai made Chuuya do the work. He sat next to him and smiled whenever his shirt riled up just a bit too much. Ugh, he felt like a pervert staring so blatantly at Chuuya’s abs like that.

As they finished placing and securing the tree they poured themselves their first glass of wine of the day. It was four pm but neither saw a mistake in that. Dazai shooed Chuuya to tell the two gremlins to come downstairs and help decorating the tree.

In the meanwhile he strolled into the kitchen and saw f*ckuzawa and the twins chopping up vegetables and preparing the meal for later.

“Do you need any help with that?” They had questioned and jumped onto the counter but Ranpo pushed him off. What an ass!

“First of all you don’t help at all when you sit on the counter but you could go upstairs and search for rosemary. We don’t have any here” they nodded and sprinted the stairs upwards. The alcohol made everything kind of funnier, so he almost laughed his ass off when he missed a step.

He did find the rosemary and tiptoed securely downstairs.

“And don’t drink the whole wine empty. We need some to cook” Dazai nodded and went back to the living room.

Someone put Christmas music on and everything moved in slow motion. He saw Chuuya heaving Yumeno up towards the top of the tree to place a bright yellow star while Elise placed the light chain around. It looked so comfortable and honey, as if Chuuya had known them his whole life and did everything out of muscle memory.

He was indeed amazing.

Behind him he could hear f*ckuzawa instructing the two on how to prepare a goose and bowls and whisks clattered and created a steady but metallic rhythm.

It turned out the three needed help in the kitchen and they specifically asked Chuuya for their help so they were left alone with their two siblings in the living room.

“Is Chuuya your boyfriend?” Dazai choked on his own spit. Yumeno really had no filter when it came to other people.

“No he isn’t my boyfriend” He responded and placed a stool next to Yumeno so that the kid could reach the tree branches easier. Dazai was fit but not fit enough to carry Yumeno as if they weighed as much as a feather.

“Would you like him to be your boyfriend?” Where was that coming from all of the sudden?

“Why are you asking?” Dazai sighed and arched an eyebrow at his sibling who crossed their arms behind their back and looked so innocently.

“You look at him like that” Yumeno answered and fished another ornament out of the box to place it on a branch.

“Like what?” Dazai scrunched his eyes at the kid.

“Like Ranpo looks at Poe or Yosano at Mimiko” Dazai knew that he had a crush but was he really that much in love with Chuuya? Mimiko and Yosano were together for over five years!! They were inseparable, but as much as they loved each other Mimiko cheated on Yosano in the end. It was heartbreaking to see her in that state afterwards. Dazai had thought that if the two broke up he would never believe in real love.

Yumeno seemed to not be interested in the topic so they dropped it and went on singing the lyrics to the current Christmas song playing from their speaker.

The air smelled like good food and home. Even if Dazai had created their own home at his new apartment, nothing was ever going to make him feel so welcomed and content as his home.

The people around here, the worn out couches and chairs at the table or the old coffee machine that you had to slap to get working. It was all so cozy and serene here.

He never regretted taking Mori up in the offer to live with him.

Talking about the devil. The man just opened the door and was greeted by Yumeno and Elise rushing towards him and crushing him in a hug. He looked tired, he must have worked till now.

“Ah Chuuya! I’m glad you’re here” He greeted Chuuya and took his shoes and coat off to walk into the house.

“It’s my pleasure to be here with all of you” Dazai couldn’t believe his eyes. He had never seen Chuuya being shy but the smile he was giving Mori looked outright shy. Was he drunk? Already??

The food took a few hours and they spent that time being outside on the balcony chatting, drinking the wine bottle and smoking a few cigarettes.

“Hey you!” A head poked out of the window door and the two were startled. They were talking about Fyodor when Yosano asked for them. “You got some wine left?”

“Yeah come here” Dazai showed her the almost empty bottle.

She tiptoed on the cold floor and snuggled her cardigan closer to her body.

“Thanks you’re the best” There was no warning before she downed the whole glass of wine from Dazai’s hand. As if that wasn’t enough she snapped his cigarette away and took a deep drag.

“Since when are you smoking?” They questioned and took it back.

“I don’t. But I’m drunk” She smiled and her cheeks turned rosy, whether it was from the cold or the alcohol it was hilarious.

Fifteen minutes later f*ckuzawa came out to inform them that the food was ready to be served.

The room smelled delicious and Dazai felt himself drooling.

f*ckuzawa sat at the head of the table. Next to him sat Yosano and Ranpo on each side. Next to Ranpo sat Poe, was he here the whole time? Dazai didn’t remember. They sat next to Yosano and to his left was Chuuya. Mori sat next to Chuuya right at the edge of the table and in front of him sat the two gremlins.

“Before we start eating I would like to thank all of you for being here. It is always a pleasure to be able to celebrate Christmas with my family and loved ones” f*ckuzawa stood up and held his glass up, he glanced at Poe and Chuuya, the two nodded shyly. “I would also like to thank our newcomer Chuuya for assisting with the goose! I would have never been able to do that on my own”

“But we were helping you though?” Ranpo scrunched his nose, something he did whenever he corrected someone. Sometimes Dazai wanted to snap it off his face.

“You were trying to help! And Yosano…” He turned his head and looked at her for a moment. She was giggling and smiling bashfully. Oh, she was drunk.

“Anyways! Let’s dig in and enjoy the evening” They toasted and dug in.

It was all perfectly done. The potatoes weren’t too over or undercooked, they were perfect. The meat was rich in taste and the texture was superb. While eating Dazai’s siblings thought it was fun to spill some old stories like the one when he got lost in the city and had to walk back home in pouring rain because no one was able to pick them up. Or Ranpo breaking his arm when he ran too fast the stairs down or when Yosano faked being Ranpo to do his biology test.

“But you don’t even look alike?” Chuuya had tears in his eyes from laughing and Dazai’s belly hurt as if he had too many push ups at the last minute.

“That’s what I said! But Ranpo was so confident and he dressed me up as himself and I did it. He would have passed anyway but he didn’t feel like taking the test” Yosano huffed as she took a sip of wine.

“Don’t forget when we lost Yumeno in the amusem*nt park because they had to pee so and but didn’t want anyone to see them” Elise also couldn’t talk straight, through laughter she was able to get the words out and Mori told the whole story while Yumeno grinned as if they should be proud of that.

“Don’t you care about your family?” Ranpo smirked and Yumeno thought for a second.

“Not really. When I have to pee I’ll just do it!” Maybe it was the alcohol or the atmosphere but everyone erupted in laughter.

“Fair enough,” Dazai commented and took a sip of water. He glanced at Chuuya who was listening to a story Poe told him. Dazai didn’t hear the content, their eyes were locked on Chuuya. He was unbelievably beautiful in the candle light. They wanted to reach out and touch his plump wine stained lips. Wanted to know what it would feel like to have them on his own. Was he that drunk or just completely in love?

Most likely both.

Chuuya seemed ecstatic to be here. Dazai was glad that he took him up on that offer. They didn’t lie when they told him about Mori pestering him about inviting Chuuya over Christmas. The house was full with or without Chuuya so that wasn’t a problem at all.

It made butterflies spread through Dazai. Mori had never asked any of his friends to come over. Did he know that Chuuya was someone special to Dazai? Most likely. Dazai smiled unconsciously.

“What got you smiling like that?” Chuuya bumped his shoulder in his and Dazai was startled by the warmth radiating through the fabric, Chuuya didn’t move and Dazai can feel every single nerve being alight where Chuuya’s shoulder touched his.

“You” It was cheesy and Chuuya scrunched his nose and pinched his nose.

“Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Chuuya is breaking my nose! Again!” Dazai wailed and Chuuya laughed out loud. He saw them a few months ago sitting here in the morning hours with gauze covering his nose and the area hurting like hell.

“Again?” Poe questioned timidly.

“Yeah Nakahara broke his nose a few months ago. I should have given you money for that” Yosano smirked when she heard the whining from Dazai.

“It’s not funny!! It hurt like sh*t!” Dazai protested and stomped on the floor like a little child.

“Dazai no cursing at the table” Mori warned him.

“Why the f*ck not?” All eyes were on Yumeno who looked as innocent as ever.

“I think it’s time for presents” Yosano was the first one to get her sense of talking back and the rest approved and cleaned up. Dazai washed the last plate when he felt arms wrap around him from the back.

“Hey you” he looked down and saw Elise with her head against his back.

“Hey” She mumbled to his back.

“Is something wrong?” They dried the plate off and placed it on the side. He turned around and also pulled her into his front.

“No. I’m just happy to have you back, even if it’s just for this evening” She looked up at him and placed a sweet kiss on his cheek. “It’s pretty quiet without you”

“You still have Yumeno who can be as loud, hell who am I lying to, who can be even louder than me” Elise laughed as he felt it in his body.

“I know. One day I’m gonna bury them in the garden when dad is off to work” She groaned and let go of Dazai. They placed their hand on her shoulder and gripped it reassuringly.

“Place one of their favorite action figures on it. They’d love that” She grinned and he motioned his head towards the living room.

On one couch sat Ranpo in Poe’s lap, next to them was Yosano and a full bottle of wine with Chuuya at the corner. The rest either sat on the other couch or on the carpenter floor.

Dazai sneaked around the couch to stand behind Chuuya, he placed their arm on Chuuya’s shoulder. The other turned his head and smiled at him. It was such a bright smile Dazai thought he might need sunglasses.

The first present was Chuuya’s for the whole family. It was a game for a gaming console. Poe gifted them a copy of a Sherlock Holmes book with gold edges. Yumeno received many toys while Elise got a few pieces of clothing and jewelry. Dazai got a new set of glasses for the new apartment and a special edition of his favorite book. Ranpo ended up with way too many books for him to carry and Yosano held a bunch of money bills in her hand, she wanted to get her own apartment and saved money for it.

All in all everyone was more than happy with their presents. Dazai was so invested in the intricate design on the book cover that he didn’t notice Chuuya peering over his shoulder until he blew air in his ear. They jumped out of their skin and punched the other lightheartedly in the shoulder.

Chuuya took his hand and pulled him towards the back door. Midway they were stopped by Ranpo telling them to stay inside because they were about to watch a movie together and do karaoke afterwards.

The movie was a classic Christmas movie. f*ckuzawa fell asleep during the first twenty minutes and Poe nodded off as well. Chuuya’s eyes closed at some points but he was awake. He made himself comfortable with Dazai on the floor and placed his head in the crook of Dazai’s neck and shoulder. They sneaked an arm around their shoulders and they immediately felt eyes on them. When they peeked to the side he saw Yumeno staring at him.
He never said that he didn’t want Chuuya to be his boyfriend…

After excruciating one and a half hours the movie was over and karaoke began.

Ranpo and Yosano chose ‘Last Christmas’ and Dazai cringed internally when Yosano sang the line ‘last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away’ a bit too passionate. Otherwise they sang fairly well.

Elise chose a song for herself and Chuuya and the two sang ‘Rockin around the Christmas tree’. He didn’t take Chuuya for the kind to have a good singing voice but what was the man not able to master? The raspiness and deep tone was like a balm to Dazai’s ears and heart. He wished Chuuya would sing for him, preferably when they laid in their bed.

“Is someone in love?” He knew it was Ranpo the second a shrill voice whispered into his ear.

“Yeah and so are you so shut it” Dazai hissed at him and Ranpo giggled like the idiot he was.

It was nearing midnight and the dads and kids were getting tired so they excused themself from the mass and wished everyone a Merry Christmas.

Yosano did not last longer than ten minutes before she passed out on the couch. Ranpo and Poe went upstairs as well.

Dazai took the last wine bottle out of Yosano’s hand who had a weirdly strong grip on it for someone who was sleeping.

They got upstairs and it was unexpected to see his room so bare. Only one shelf was standing there and the drawings in his walls. They sat under the window and looked straight at the phoenix drawing.

“I have to confess something” Dazai breached the silence between them.

Chuya looked at him with curious eyes.

“I didn’t get you a present. I was too busy but what do you think of it” He nodded his head towards the drawing.

“I’ve told you before. Aren’t you a genius? You probably have a photographic memory or some sh*t like that” Chuuya giggled, oh he was drunk but so was Dazai.

“I know you did. Repeat it” Dazai closed his eyes and let Chuuya choose for himself if he wanted to repeat it or not.

“It doesn’t suit you for some reason. I like it a lot. It’s fiery and melancholic at the same time, but it’s not your style, is it?” He felt Chuuya staring at him. He didn’t open his eyes yet.

“No it really isn’t” They slowly but surely opened his eyes. “I’ve made it for you”

The widening eyes and the agape mouth was instantly written over Chuuya’s face.

“No you didn’t. You did this like one or two months ago” He denied it.

“Yeah I did. Look at the colors. Do you think they look familiar?” They had to make Chuuya see the vision.

“Yeah I do. Red tones and blue and…gray” He saw them before he could feel them under his fingertips; tears.

“I am speechless. Dazai-you-“ He breathed in quickly and Dazai was patient and as careful as possible as he swiped away the tears rolling down Chuuya’s cheeks. Even if he was crying, he was beautiful. “You always surprise me. Thank you so much”

“It is nothing. I know it is impractical because it is on my wall and you can’t take it anywhere with you but you visit this house more often than I do so you are always welcome here” Their hand wandered from being on Chuuya’s cheek to the back of his head. His fingers split the waves of red with every digit and he almost gasped at how soft Chuuya’s hair was. He moved Chuuya’s head forward and placed a soft kiss on his forehead.

“Uhm. Here before I forget it. It’s nothing in comparison to the painting” Chuuya searched in the inside of his jacket for a second and came back with a little box.

Dazai had no idea what Chuuya could have gifted him. Something small and light. A single cigarette perhaps?

He unbound the bow and couldn’t keep the gasp hidden when he saw a single key.

“What is it for?” Dazai asked before he jumped to conclusions.

“My apartment. Before you stomp in like a robber. It has a deeper meaning though. If you don’t feel well you can always come to me and Tachi. We want you around as long as you want us or me around, that is” Chuuya gave him the key to his heart.

Dazai took the key between his fingers and kissed it. “I love you so much”

“I love you more”

“On your birthday you’ll get a real painting on a canvas instead of it being on a wall” Dazai broke off the momentary silence. His cheeks hurt from smiling.

“My birthday is at the end of April. You still have enough time” end of April?

“Oh uhm then you’ll get it either way at the end of January or five months” Dazai stared at him with tight lips and Chuuya seemed to understand what he meant.

“You’re going overseas?” Dazai nodded and told him about the internship offer in London and that he had applied and was accepted.

“I can wait. I have all the time in the world” Chuuya closed his eyes and opened them again, they were casted in the painting. “It really is beautiful”

Dazai turned his head and looked at the other.

“Yeah it really is”

Chapter 18: New Year New me

Chapter Text

Christmas has never been better than this year. It was a good idea to celebrate with Dazai’s family. The atmosphere was homely and Chuuya fell right into it and held onto it like a blanket.

No one made him feel out of place that evening. He talked with Yosano a lot and found that they have a lot in common such as their obsession with wine.

Poe was a rather shy character, he had exchanged some pleasantries with him but it never went further than that. While Ranpo was the complete opposite, he was outgoing and a total nerd who bragged about his intellect.

It was as if he found a piece fitting his heart that he didn’t know was gone before.

A new photo was added to his favorites. It was the phoenix painting. Before Dazai called a taxi to take them back home, he snapped a quick picture and put it in his favorites It was breathtakingly beautiful. It made warmth spread through him at the thought that Dazai had been inspired by him to paint such a gorgeous painting. Was that how the other saw him?

Chuuya had to confess that their friendship started to borderline a committed relationship at the moment.

He never had any romantic experience before. People had never been interesting enough for him to get to know them better. But Dazai was different. As they sat in his room the urge to kiss him overcame him and he found himself smiling at the idea even now. Being close to people scared him to some extent but the closeness with Dazai didn’t scare him away in fact it pulled him in like a moth to a lamp.

The apartment was quiet. A day before Christmas Tachi had left and the silence wasn’t filled by Dazai either because they were still sleeping. It was way too early for Chuuya to be up. So he opted for the best person to talk to about the situation he found himself in.

“Chuuya it’s eight in the morning. I hope you got your brain f*cked out last night or else I will hang up” His call woke him up and Tachi lay in bed with tousled hair and a grimy face, the screen was full with red hair.

“Good morning to you too you f*ckhead” Chuuya rolled his eyes but smiled tiredly nonetheless. “No I didn’t get my brain f*cked out even though I think it would h help me”

Tachi nodded as if he was on the same side here and talked about the Christmas evening spent with his uncle’s family. He got the new laptop he had wanted for years and he drank way too much sake.

“My head is about to explode” Tachi groaned in his pillow and Chuuya found that way too funny.

“I’ve got a question” Tachi’s head popped out of the pillow where he had tried to hide it. “How did you realize you have feelings for Gin?”

“Bro I already got a headache, you want me to have a migraine?” Tachi wailed and Chuuya felt unsure if it was too insensitive but the two usually talked about anything even if it was seen as a taboo topic.

“I just need a short answer after that you can go back to sleep” Chuuya promised him.

“I don’t think I will be able to go back to sleep after I’ve talked about Gin” Tachi looked puzzled after what felt like five minutes he sighed and took a breath. “I wanted to be with them. I had this fuzzy feeling in my body wherever they touched me and I took everything they said deeply to my heart. I felt how vulnerable I was with them. It was the same with you but it was different because I was afraid that they’ll use it against me. You trust your friends with everything but with your crush you have borderline trust issues. Their opinion mattered to me a lot more than others. That’s why I got my septum pierced”

It was crooked and he had to remove it not even a week after the appointment.

“It wasn’t much different from a friendship but the love I have for my friends was different. I didn’t want to touch them all the time or need their reassurance for the most idle things possible. It’s hard to explain but I liked to be around them. More than I enjoyed my time spent with friends”

He noticed similarities between his and Tachi’s situation although he trusted Dazai quite a lot more than others. He was afraid at first to open up to the other but after months that crippling anxiety had vanished.

“I think I am in love with Dazai,” Chuuya mumbled.

“I thought y’all were dating for months? You weren’t?” Tachi almost fell out of the bed.

“No, we are friends but there has always been something about him. Recently, I started to notice that I’ve probably had feelings for him from the beginning. I guess” Chuuya wondered out loud.

“You guess? Chuuya you can’t do that to yourself. Get over yourself and figure out what you feel for them. Dazai doesn’t seem like the type to be an ass if he was rejected so focus on yourself and let things happen. Who knows maybe you’ll notice soon what those feelings are” Tachi had a good point. It was stupid to overthink his feelings when he was still unsure he was most likely going to spend the next weeks with Dazai so he had enough time to figure it out.

As if Dazai heard them talking about him he came through the door. In his hand he held the key like a proud parent.

“Good Morning Tachi, did he wake you up?” Dazai skipped towards the couch where Chuuya lay and waved at Tachi through the screen.

“Yeah, the asshole doesn’t know what a healthy sleep schedule is” Tachi scoffed and Dazai smiled at that. Chuuya ended the phone call after a few more minutes and promised Tachi to take a shot for him at the New Years party.

Their college prepared a New Years Party and because Chuuya didn't have any other plans he thought he’d go there.

He was stretched out on his belly on the couch when he felt a dead weight flopping onto him. On top of him lay Dazai like the lanky bastard he was. His breath shortened and he wanted to scratch the body parts where their bodies touched. The sensation alone made fire engulf him. Oh, well that was a sign of attraction, wasn't it?

Dazai pulled his phone out and started to play a game, a similar one like tetris. As if Chuuya was the most comfortable bed they made himself comfortable on top of him.

“You got any plans for New Year’s Eve?” Dazai mumbled against Chuuya’s ear, the vibrations made his heart race and he hoped that Dazai couldn't feel that.

“In college there was a party, was thinking of going there but my sister wanted to come over. I can't do that” Chuuya felt the headache form at the front of his head, what a mess. Kouyou would despise him and ignore him for the upcoming weeks if he took her to a college party. He felt her eyes digging holes in his head.

“Oda and Ango throw a little party. Some from literature are there and I would take you and Kouyou with me if you'd like that. We would eat together, drink, chat and fire fireworks at midnight. The classics” Dazai’s idea sounded much better and more like Kouyou would approve of it.

“And it would be alright if you take us two with you?” Chuuya ascertained and Dazai nodded.

Later in the day after they finished season 4 of Criminal Minds Dazai got up from Chuuya, he missed the weight on him, and proposed the idea of going to the local Christmas market. Chuuya didn't know that they even had one here in town.

“It’s a new thing, they are pretty popular in Europe. Mulled wine and roasted sugar almonds are like a tradition to buy there. It sounded kind of fun” They packed each other in thick clothing and stepped outside into the cold.

“Its f*cking cold. Why did I agree to do this?” Chuuya complained not even five minutes after being outside. His nose was running and he felt his cheeks redding from the biting cold. Light snow covered the streets and harsh winds blew frost in his eyes. He wanted to go home and snuggle up with Dazai until the cold was gone.

“Stop complaining! We can drink hot orange juice or mulled wine just trust me you’ll be fine” Dazai pulled him close by the shoulder and Chuuya wanted to giggle like a middle school girl with a crush. He did feel fuzzy inside whenever he was around Dazai.

“Hot orange juice? That sounds nasty” Chuuya scrunched his cold nose.

“Try it at least before saying that. Maybe it will be your favorite drink”

They reached the market in under fifteen minutes and ate almost everything from every stall. Chuuya won a Prize at one stall and chose an alien plushie for Dazai.

“It suits you” Chuuya chuckled and grabbed Dazai’s ears to make them as pointy as the plushie’s.

“He’s my son” Dazai said matter of factly and Chuuya slapped his arm for that.

“Is he as rude as you or does he know manners?” He smirked and felt the familiar arm around his shoulder. The stalls were made of dark wood planks that made them look straight out of the Alps, the roofs were decorated with light chains that spread a comfortable and yellow glow around the market.

“Nah he has good manners I trained him well enough” Dazai grinned at Chuuya.

“Trained? That’s your f*cking son and not your pet! You don’t train kids, they aren’t dogs. Gosh Dazai I really hope that you’ll never get kids” Chuuya broke off in a laugh when he saw the pout on Dazai’s face.

“But you get what I meant with ‘training’! And no, I don’t want kids” Dazai said and pulled him towards a stall that sold drinks. Two mulled red wine cups were ordered.

“Why is that?” Chuuya questioned and took his cup and sat down at an unoccupied bench.

“I want to live my life to the fullest and I feel like I would have to throw a part away if I had kids. They are also really f*cking expensive and they annoy me” Dazai explained and Chuuya understood him well enough.

Some time ago he heard a girl from his old high school class having a kid. He almost fell down from his chair. What a responsibility that would be. He wasn’t even able to function alone so how would he be able to function with one or more kids in the house.

“I want three cats. But no kid” Chuuya confessed and Dazai had to stifle a laugh.

“It suits you” He smiled and Chuuya felt his cheeks turning red at the intense attention that Dazai had on him.

One cup of mulled wine turned into three and Dazai and Chuuya ate way too many sweets. His cheeks hurt from the sugar even though he only ate a bite from everything they bought. Dazai ate the rest.

Candied nuts were tasty but Chuuya didn’t like the hazelnuts and gave them to Dazai who happily munched on them.

“You wanna play a game?” Dazai’s words were slurred and Chuuya giggled.

“I’m in” Chuuya didn’t even consider the possibility that Dazai wanted to play a game, which was from the start a horrible idea but his brain was fuzzy and his heart was warm so why should he be grumpy and tell the other no when he looked at him like he was his whole world?

“You see that carousel?” Dazai pointed at the carousel a good distance away from them. It was apparently also tradition in Europe that kids go there. The kids laughed happily and their parents were able to drink mulled wine and didn’t have to look after their children for the funniest five minutes of their life. Chuuya nodded.

“The person who gets caught first has to buy another round of wine” And then he sprinted off. For someone who drank almost half a liter of wine Dazai was fast. Chuuya caught up to him and saw the stall that sold tickets for the carousel but Dazai sneaked around it and hopped on it.

Chuuya was in distress because it was first of all a children’s carousel wouldn’t it be way too obvious if two grown ups were behind one of the carriages or a horse?
Also the fact that people bought the tickets and they would just jump on it?

“Sunshine, come on!”

Okay it was wrong of them to do it.

It was horribly wrong.

But he had done much worse things like almost killing a guy with his bare hands.

f*ck it.

He ran towards the now moving carousel and held onto a handle and heaved himself onto the moving carousel.

“Hey, you two! Get off or I’ll contact the police!” The man from the stall called out for them but when Chuuya reached Dazai at one of those horse things he saw the other laughing and kept the man’s voice away.

Lights flashed in front of him, the music kept playing and children’s laughter filled the air. Dazai held tightly onto a handle and the other hand held his belly from laughter. His eyes were scrunched close and he smiled brightly, flashing his teeth and those goddamn dimples that Chuuya wanted to bite off.

He truly was gorgeous like that. Laughing like they were the only people left in the world and it gave Chuuya the feeling that everything was going to be alright.

They didn’t last a whole round when three policemen came running towards the carousel.

Chuuya pulled Dazai away and from the platform and took them under their arms and held them close to his chest and jumped off the carousel. He landed firmly on the ground and for a short moment the world was turning around them.

Before the policemen caught up to them they were gone. Stumbling up a shady street and trying to breath normally.

“Why did I trust you? That was a horrible idea!” Chuuya managed to say between trying to get his breathing back.

“But did you have fun?” Dazai smiled brightly.

“Of course I did you dumbf*ck” Chuuya grumbled and walked off.

“I guess we can’t go back for another round of wine” Dazai whined.

“We can get some on our way home”

They somehow managed to find the way back home.

“I don’t want to cook!” It wasn’t late, it was barely five pm but the sky was already pitch black and the stars danced above them in a sweet play.

“Let’s get instant ramen or something like that. Look there is a seven eleven around the corner up front” Dazai pointed at the upcoming corner and the two stumbled into the warm space. Chuuya saw his reflection in the glass doors and almost squeaked in shock. He was more than tipsy! How much percent was in that mulled wine? Europeans were insane!!

“Do you know how much percent is in mulled wine?” Chuuya asked absentmindedly while strolling around the isles. A tired man sat behind the cashier and had the newest edition of sudoku on his lap.

“Here it says around 12%” Dazai read off his phone and Chuuya grimaced.

He listed things off that he would not only need for their early dinner but also for the next few days. He had a basket on his arm and it was full when he placed it in front of the cashier.

“How did I end up buying groceries worth 7500 yen? I only bought like” He squinted at the receipt and his eyes were about to fall out. “Why did you do that to me? I bought the stupid drinks you whispered to me! I am drunk, why do you do that to me! You know how easy I am to influence when I’m drunk”

“Just felt like it”

Dazai held onto Chuuya’s shoulder and now he understood why Dazai did it. He was also very drunk and held onto him for support. Chuuya sneaked an arm around Dazai’s waist and pulled the other closer to him.

Dazai followed him into his apartment and they started the newest episode of Criminal Minds while preparing the ramen. Not even ten minutes into the episode Chuuya heard snoring from next to him and saw Dazai passed out. Chuuya tried to keep his chuckles as quiet as possible and moved towards the other and placed their glasses slowly but surely off his face.

They looked much younger without the pair. The crest where the glasses laid a few moments ago was softened by one of Chuuya’s fingers. Dazai hummed at the touch and Chuuya was about to burst. His fingers moved carefully over his face and he saw Dazai’s lashes flutter for a second.

They were beautifully long and delicate. His fingers stopped above his hair, how much he would touch it, braid it even, it was quite long now. It almost covered Dazai’s whole nape and the waves were much more prominent. His fingertips pushed the loose hair strands behind his ears and if he had done it more than necessary then it was not important to mention.

He really did have feelings for Dazai. The realization didn’t hit him like a shockwave nor like a hammer. It was a good feeling to be able to place a word to the warmth he had felt since months now.

The man had found his way through the maze that Chuuya liked to call his life and managed to win the prize in the middle; his heart.

He gave up trying to stay away and did the Dazai move and let himself get comfortable on top of Dazai. His eyes fluttered shut and he tried not to think about the internship. How he was about to be alone while the other was gone for four months. His birthday was going to be spent without Dazai and he was going to visit his mother without the person that made him feel secure and safe in his own skin.

He was going to be fine, he pushed the unease down. It wasn’t worth it to worry now about the distance between them.

Chuuya was happy for the other to find a place to live his dream job but did it have to be so far away from him?

—

“Don’t forget the things I texted you and you don’t need to buy any groceries. We have everything you need here and if we are short on something else, we have Dazai and his full fridge” Chuya had his phone between his ear and shoulder while shuffling through the fridge and tidying up his place.

“I’ll take the next train. I would be there at 5pm. You don’t need to pick me up” Kouyou reassured him and Chuuya was relieved because driving his motorcycle in the cold was a nightmare, even worse if two people sat on it.

His apartment had never looked THIS clean before. The shoes were lined up perfectly and no jacket hung on any chair or on the sofa. Every dish in the sink was placed in the dishwasher and the couch was cleaned from any kind of food leftovers. The bathroom was shining and fresh towels hung behind the door.

Kouyou was going to sleep in Tachi’s room. That’s how they have always managed her staying over. Either Tachi was gone for the time being or he slept on the couch voluntarily!

It was the last day of the year and Chuuya’s nerves were going off. Every change of the year was a nostalgic memory that he kept close to his heart. He had always spent that day with his sister, either at a restaurant with a handful of friends or at home cozying up with a homemade dinner. On the next days he would go to a local shrine, pay his respects and wish for a healthy and happy year and visit his mother.

He avoided social media because he was afraid of seeing Paul’s face anywhere. Even though he was popular in France there was always a possibility to catch his face somewhere, in an interview or a stupid post made about him.

He shook himself up from the thoughts of Paul and kept cleaning to keep himself occupied.

Dazai was over at their family. They celebrated New Years traditionally and were going to the shrine tomorrow. They told him about the family having a big meal together before he would go to professor Oda’s house. They would meet up there.

It gave Chuuya some space and time to breathe. The two had spent the days leading up to New Years nearly all together. Either laying around one of their apartments and watching a show or going out if the weather allowed them the chance to leave the house without freezing their asses off.

He still had some time to kill and he was antsy so he collected his things and went to the gym.

The session was long and exhausting but he was able to think about other things than his brother or Dazai’s absence for the next months. The loss already gnawed at his consciousness and he felt stupid for being so in love that he was already missing the bastard.

Around six in the evening his door bell rang and he sprinted downstairs to be met with his beloved sister.

“Slow down Chuuya you are about to crush me” He squeezed her in a tight hug. He couldn’t keep the giddiness hidden when he saw her.

“When have we seen each other the last time? Six months ago?” Chuuya grabbed her luggage and walked back inside.

“It was three months ago. You visited me in the boutique. You should do that more often. It was such a pleasure to have you there. My coworkers also loved you being there. One has his eyes on you, watch out” Kouyou giggled and closed the apartment door behind her. She took her shoes and coat off and stepped into the living room.

“You cleaned” She noticed and sat down on the couch.

“Would you like a coffee?” Chuuya turned the machine on and grabbed one mug.

“I’d take tea. Green, please” He knew her well and also grabbed her mug. It was a plain white mug with a delicate handle with gold carvings and a dark rim.

“Tell me everything” She sipped on her tea and Chuuya was almost bursting from not telling her everything that had happened. Even if he kept her updated while they called it was still different to tell her all of it in person.

She wasn’t interested in hearing about college or work in the slightest and he had the hunch that she wanted to know more about Dazai. Nonetheless he told her about his midterms which she was glad went so good.

While retelling the last months he forgot quite a lot of things and when he remembered them he felt skittish. Almost nervous he would claim as he told her about Dazai.

Why he was so nervous about her opinion didn’t confuse him. Kouyou had always been the most important person in his life. She taught him everything and his whole heart lay in her hands. She was the dagger that lay above his heart.

“So nothing new happened” Her nails were inspected and Chuuya gaped at her.

“I just told you that I’m in love with my best friend” Chuuya moved his hands for emphasis.

“How did you want me to react? Jump up and down or tear your pillows apart?” Chuuya was uncertain what he had expected.

“Obviously not! But I would like to hear your thoughts on this” She smirked and took another sip.

“Well, as your much wiser and older sister I am telling you to go for it. Dazai seems to do you well. He is not a bad influence and has a good character” Kouyou answered and the choking sensation around his heart vanished. “As the person who knew you since you were born I say, keep calm, don’t do things you do not like and most importantly tell him about your feelings. What is holding you back?”

Yeah, what was holding back?

“I like the way things are at the moment. We are friends and we do more than that. But at the same time I feel restrained” Chuuya told her and she nodded. “I treasure our friendship a lot more than my feelings”

Her finger flicked him on the forehead. A sharp and quick pain flared on the skin.

“Ow! What was that for?” He held a hand against the spot.

“Your friendship won’t be lost if you enter a committed relationship, do you know that? Do you think couples are together only for romance and that they aren’t friends?”

If she said it like that, it did sound kind of silly of him to think that way.

“You don’t need to tell him today. Take your own sweet time but don’t forget about yourself” Kouyou emptied the cup of tea and stood up to place it in the sink.

“You really did clean well. I’m proud of you” He could hear her praising him although his brain didn’t function properly.
Taking time and seeing where things were going was the best thing to do.

“It’s new for me. I never felt this way for someone. I am pretty scared” To admit it felt freeing. If he would have told Tachi he would have laughed at him. Not because he was a bad friend but loving someone came easy to him. Chuuya was sort of jealous of him for that.

“Hey Chuuya” He glanced up, he didn’t notice how hard he had stared at the cup until he looked up at Kouyou. She stood in front of him, with her hands on her hips and she smiled at him with her comforting and reassuring smile. Her arched eyebrows were relaxed and her little dimple was visible. “Everything is going to be alright. No matter how things are going to end you are going to be fine”

They would have talked for hours if Chuuya didn’t look at the time to see that they were going to be fashionably late. He led Kouyou into his room to get ready.

He had asked her to bring some pieces from the boutique with her.

Firstly she pulled out a pair of black boots with heels. He would be about seven centimeters taller. If he was able to walk in them was very unimportant.

Secondly she pulled out a good amount of silver jewelry. Her newest collection.

He grabbed a cropped turtleneck out of his closet and baggy black jeans.

As he put the outfit on with his heels he was almost as tall as Kouyou. She looked proudly at him as she closed the necklaces around his neck.

“You look angelic” She wound a lock of his hair around her finger while he inspected himself in the mirror. He looked good but angelic was an overstatement. He opted for a half bun half down hairstyle to keep the layers intact and to show off his long hair.

“I’m still gonna take my sneakers with me. I won’t be able to walk with these shoes the whole evening” Kouyou glared at him.

“At least try to keep them on till midnight” He nodded and she reached into the bag and pulled out a makeup bag.

“The usual right?” She asked and unplugged a black eyeliner.

“Do as you please” That was the only thing she needed to hear and started drawing a line above the roots of his upper lashes. For the waterline he had to draw it himself or else she would have poked him in the eye.

Chuuya had been quite often the victim of Kouyou’s make up attempts. He enjoyed it quite often what she could do with a few products.

The ‘usual’ consisted of thick eyeliner on his eyes with a touch of mascara to really bring out his eyes and a hint of rosy cheeks and brushing his eyebrows into shape.

After she was done he was able to agree with Kouyou that he looked angelic. His eyes stood out, the gray had much more depth and through the thick eyebrows he had much more edges.

They called a taxi to take them to the house and chatted a little on the way there. Kouyou still had to answer a few work calls and answer emails. He was proud of her. She managed every single thing to perfection and with such ease it was simply admirable.

The house of Oda and Ango was a good distance away from the city center. After a warm welcome from the hosts they entered and were led into the living room where many people had gathered already.

He spotted Ranpo and Poe along with Yosano and Fyodor with his boyfriend by his side.

Dazai was nowhere to be seen.

There was a buffet in the middle of the room and Chuuya immediately attacked it.

“Hey bestie” Yosano sneaked a hand across his shoulders and Chuuya immediately stopped chewing.

“Hey, how're you doing? Slept well on Christmas?” She scoffed and sipped on a glass of red wine. Oh, she did that on purpose and by her devilish smile she knew that she was spotted.

“Slept like a baby and Ango is basically begging everyone to drink the wine. It’s my third refill, he really is desperate. It’s a special edition from France” Chuya didn’t have to hear anymore, he needed a glass himself.

“Oh by the way this is my sister. Kouyou, this is Yosano, Dazai’s…” He wasn’t sure if he should say sister or cousin or another term after all. She seemed to notice his distress and helped him out.

“I’m his relative, nice to meet you. And if I may say you look beautiful” Kouyou smiled politely. She looked gorgeous. She wore an elegant kimono. It was white with cherry blossoms across the fabric. Her hair was laid down with her bangs framing her delicate and soft face, while a strong lipstick created a focus on her lips.

“Thank you very much. It’s a pleasure meeting you. I have heard a lot about you” Yosano arched an eyebrow at Chuuya who shrugged because if he had told Kouyou anything then he didn’t remember it clearly. “Only good things, do not worry, dear”

Chuuya left the conversation, he trusted Kouyou enough to be able to hold a conversation. If she needed him she would text or call him.

“Chuuya, I have heard that you are a red wine lover. Would you like a glass?” Ango walked towards him with a full wine bottle and Chuuya nodded enthusiastically.

“I do thank you!” His glass was full and the wine tasted like silk on his tongue “How are you? Have you enjoyed the break so far?”

“Oh yes, definitely. We went to Kyoto a few days ago. Oda's parents live there and we spent a few days there. It was so lovely there!” Ango pulled out his phone and showed Chuuya pictures of Oda alone or the two, temples and landscapes. “We had Dazai over for Dinner, you should tag along next time!”

“Oh I don’t want to intrude!” Ango shook his head and Chuuya smiled shyly.

“You would never do that. I love to have people over, the house is big enough!” Chuuya thanked him and Ango excused himself.

“Hey there. Did your rock band leave you here or is it Halloween already?” Such a stupid remark could only come from one person. He turned around and Dazai smiled at him, hands in his pockets.

He cleaned up well. With his hair tucked behind his ear and a simple beige dress shirt and a pair of dark pants. It made him look older.

“Don’t say that like you wouldn’t be our biggest groupie” Chuuya chuckled and leaned against a nearby wall. The shoes were kind of uncomfortable.

“Oh you caught me there” Dazai held his hands up as if they were tied together. “But how can I not be if the lead singer looks like that”

Dazai eyes him up from head to toe and when they landed on his shoes they rushed upwards. Their reaction was hilarious.

“You are taller” Chuuya rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, I am. I am wearing heels” He explained.

“Can you reach the shelf now?” Dazai was teasing him but Chuuya didn’t let any of it get to his head.

“I can reach the shelf even when I’m not wearing heels,” Chuuya answered and Dazai arched an eyebrow.

“Oh shut it you idiot!” Dazai laughed at him and it sounded like a melody.

“Chuuya I have told you many times before that you shouldn’t insult people” Kouyou approached the two. Dazai turned around and as if they needed a moment to connect the dots he noticed her.

“Kouyou” She introduced herself and went that far to shake his hand, Chuuya wanted to jump from the balcony. “You must be Dazai! I have waited ages for this moment to happen”

“Yes, that’s me! It is a pleasure to meet you. And oh, the genetics for godlike looks must have been passed down to you as well” Dazai smiled and he looked unbelievably handsome.

“Oh stop it, you charmer! How are you?” Kouyou asked him and smiled, like actually smiled and not the polite smile that she gave her customers to make them buy more.

“Much better since you arrived. Would you like a glass of wine?” Dazai winked at Chuuya and was able to catch Ango’s attention who still ran around the room with the wine bottle, it was a wonder that it wasn’t empty by now.

Kouyou had her own glass and the three toasted. In the background jazz music filled the silence and the room warmed up instantly. Chuuya’s senses were dulled, he felt like someone sang him a lullaby and enjoyed the upcoming hours.

3

2

1

“HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

People screamed loudly and hugged or kissed each other. Chuuya stood at the side of the balcony with his empty wine glass.

Kouyou and Dazai had been gone for a while after they all had hugged each other and wished a New Year.

He didn’t know what they were doing but he trusted that whatever stupid idea Dazai would have would be rightend by Kouyou.

“Hey” Oda approached him by the side and clinked their glasses together. He had whisky in his. “Where’s your other half?”

“Gone with my sister to who knows where” Chuuya wasn’t worried. It was rather amusing to see Kouyou get along so well with Dazai. They made many remakes or comments and whenever Kouyou was mad about them she would clap him on the back of his head like a disappointed mother.

“She is a fashion designer, correct me if I’m wrong. I am good at a few things, not many to be frank, but fashion the least” Oda smiled apologetically and Chuuya would even go that far and say that it was endearing.

“You are right, do not worry. Her boutique is in Tokyo” Something about Oda made it easy to talk. His character radiates a comfortable warmth that you can’t resist.

“So why did you choose Yokohama?” Oda questioned. And he was an attentive listener.

“Oh no, I grew up here. She moved to Tokyo but she visits me from time to time if her workload and all that allows it her” Oda smiled as if he can relate to that.

“I get that. This break was much needed. Ango and I visited my parents last week. Can you keep secrets? Be honest!” Oda pointed a finger at him and Chuuya nodded. “I am going to propose to Ango very soon. We will have our anniversary soon and I can’t wait any longer”

Chuuya felt his mouth hanging loose. When he asked if Chuuya can keep secrets he expected him to tell him that he was drunk but not…THAT!

“Eh…uhm congrats!! I’m sorry I don’t really know what to say” Chuuya apologised immediately and felt himself cringe.

“Don’t worry. We barely know each other. I only know the things Dazai tells me. He talks quite a lot about you” Chuuya’s heart raced, no he thought it was about to stop. “He really adores you”

“Oda! There you are! Ango has been searching for you!” A hand grabbed Oda’s shoulder and pulled him towards the house.

“Oh almost didn’t see you there” Obviously it was Dazai, they held a whisky glass in his hand and a plate with cake in the other.

Only a handful of people were left on the balcony.

“Are you enjoying yourself, shortie?” Dazai truly was never going to let him be. Chuuya tore a piece of cake of and it tasted pretty goo, too sweet for his tastes but still enjoyable.

“I do. How was the quality time spent with my sister?” Chuuya asked and stepped on Dazai’s foot with the heel.

The other wailed pathetically before regaining himself.

“Told me everything about you! The stories about fifteen year old Chuuya are insane! I think if he would have known each other back then I wouldn’t have liked you” Dazai confessed and laid his hands on the railing.

“Why would you say that?” Chuuya furrowed his brows and turned around so that both looked out at the darkened landscape.

“I had a stick up my ass and you were way too cool for me” Chuuya almost spit his wine out to keep his laughter down.

“I’m glad that I would be called cool by your fifteen year old self” Chuuya joked and took a normal sip of his wine.

The music filtered through the glass doors outside and the two stood there, enjoying the cold breeze.

“You know what?” Chuuya whispered into the darkness.

“What?” Dazai scooted closer until their sides were flush against each other.

“Oda is going to propose to Ango” Chuuya said and leaned his head on Dazai’s shoulder. With the heels it was much easier to reach, the f*cker did have a point earlier, but Chuuya would never tell them that.

“I am unbelievably happy for them. They were made for each other” Dazai sighed softly and Chuuya’s heart melted at the sound. Everything Dazai did, made his heart go into a frenzy.

“They also invited me over for dinner with you” Chuuya told him and Dazai chuckled.

“Oda’s curry was delicious, you would have loved it” Dazai told him and Chuuya hummed. A wave of tiredness overcame him, he only wanted to go to sleep and wake up with hopefully Dazai in his arms.
“We will find a date before I’ll have to leave”

“Don’t talk about it. I don’t wanna think about it” Chuuya’s eyes were closed and he smelled Dazai’s perfume. Flowery and sweet. He breathed in deeply and tried to memorize it, to keep it forever that even if he was gone he was able to smell flowers and think of the man that made his days brighter.

“Aw! Are you going to miss me?” Dazai teased.

“Yes, I am” Chuuya confessed and his hand was pried of the railing and delicate hands moved them up and soft lips kissed the inside of his palm.

“I am going to miss you even more. Please do not forget me” Dazai’s voice was quiet, it was raw and so sweet. If Chuuya was asked what sweetness sounded like he would say Dazai’s voice.

“I would never do that” Chuuya snuggled closer into his neck and let himself relax and enjoy the warmth between them.

He loved Dazai.

And he knew that they loved him back.

Chapter 19: Dazai vs British food and the demons (gay thoughts)

Chapter Text

The flight was booked. By the end of January Dazai was going to London. An one room apartment was rented for his four month stay and the date in his calendar was circled with a red marker.

It wasn't a big company where he was going to work at and their boss was delighted to have them there. A sympathetic and professional woman had interviewed him via a video call a week into the new year. He was going to work a normal 9 to 5 in the office and had enough breaks in between to go sightseeing.

He had in total two weeks left before he was going to leave Yokohama. The thought alone scared him to a near heart attack. For four months he wasn't able to wake up in his bed, go downstairs and annoy Chuuya or meet up with his friends, discuss a specific book with Oda or see his siblings. When was the last time he was gone from home for such a long time and distance? It was almost a decade ago.

Therefore Dazai tried to spend as much time with his loved ones as possible.

Game nights with his siblings and Chuuya as they tried to play the game Chuuya had gifted them for Christmas.

Long night talks with Yosano and card games with Ranpo to see who was going to carve in first and give up. Neither did in the end because their ego was too high and Ranpo was a sour loser.

He had dinner with Oda and Ango and brought Chuuya with him. The night was as beautiful as he had imagined it would be and the four were a weirdly well fitting group.
Ango and Chuuya were blabbering about a specific wine while Dazai and Oda talked about some books. Oda informed him about some places he should definitely visit in London while Ango told him all about the cuisine.

In the last week Chuuya and he went on many night drives while listening to songs they both liked. A French song came on and Dazai tried to sing along while Chuuya corrected him the whole time.

“You are horrible at this! Stop it or else my ears are gonna start bleeding” They didn't stop singing and Chuuya’s ears didn't bleed out.

The moon had looked beautiful that night although Dazai couldn't keep his eyes off Chuuya the whole time he knew for a fact that the moon was up and full.

The other had his internship at Kouyou’s boutique in Tokyo as it was the best last minute option and had him photograph models, exactly what Chuuya excelled at.

Whenever Dazai thought of Kouyou, he remembered their talk on New Years. They weren’t able to retell everything that they had talked about because Kouyou was tipsy from one glass of wine and Dazai had three glasses of whiskey in his bloodstream.

He did remember telling her how worried Chuuya was about her overworking herself and not enjoying life. Then she had told him that she was aroace. It didn’t surprise him. The way Chuuya had spoken about her and the way she treated the topic of relationships was a clear sign for him. He was able to sympathize with her given how he was sure that he was on the asexual spectrum.

She had been holding his hand throughout the conversation as if it was an anchor for her. She warmed up to him fairly quickly given how Yosano had tried to hit on her many times throughout the evening and Kouyou politely but directly rejected her every single time.

“Chuuya had never understood it, he was made to be loved and to love. But I’m glad that you can relate to me, in some way” She smiled softly and Dazai’s heart welled up. They exchanged numbers and he had to promise her to make sure that Chuuya was safe.

On his last day they had dinner at his family’s place and he invited Atsushi, Kunikida and Chuuya over.

It was hilarious and everyone was talking wildly and Dazai was able to sit by the side and listen. Oh, how he was going to miss this, to be able to sit with his loved ones and watch them talk about a funny rumor and laugh along with them.

At eleven in the evening the men left the house and bid Dazai farewell.

“Dazai, please text me at least once a week. Send me photos, stupid texts, just anything! Oh my god I am going to miss you so so much!” Atsushi crushed him in a hug and Dazai felt tears in their eyes welling up as well, Kunikida joined the two and the three hugged like they were never going to see each other again.

“I’ll be back in four months! Don’t act like I’ll be gone forever” Dazai’s voice was wobbly and the hug stopped too early. He didn’t want to leave them behind.

“I know you’ll be busy but please text us” Kunikida told him and Dazai saw a tear rolling down his cheek.

“If you don’t stop crying I am going to stay in London for the next semester as well. Stop it, guys” Dazai tried to laugh but every breath he took hurt his heart.

“We worry about you, idiot. Just say yes you’ll try and let them be” Chuuya slapped the back of his head and Dazai almost fell forwards. He rubbed the spot in fake hurt and hugged his two friends for the last time and promised them that he was going to send them many texts and photos.

Chuuya and he took the bus back home.

But instead of getting off at their usual station Chuuya stayed seated and didn’t let Dazai stand up who sat at the window seat.

“Are you kidnapping me?” Dazai questioned and Chuuya choked on air.

“Hell no. Who would even want you? I wouldn’t even have to kidnap you if you would follow me voluntarily. Now stay put and wait” Chuuya explained and Dazai bit his lip in anticipation. He could have taken them anywhere and Dazai would have been fine.

What he didn’t expect was an ice rink.

After walking down a few steps they met a cashier and Chuuya paid for his and Dazai’s tickets. They were fairly cheap and the ice skates even more.

“Show me your moves. I’m curious” Chuuya stood at the entrance and the ice rink looked weirdly familiar. He must have been here before but he didn’t remember when.

The moves came back to him like they were places in his blood and everything felt exhilarating. His mind kept spinning in the way it felt when he was drunk and he thought he was able to take off as if they weighed nothing.

The pirouettes, the jumps, it all was easy and nothing that made him exhausted anymore. Through muscle memory he was able to land an extremely hard jump and he was startled to hear applause. No one was on the ice but him.

He saw a sparkle of red and slid over to stand right in front of Chuuya. His eyes were big and mouth agape. Dazai smiled.

“You really didn’t lie when you told me how good you were. Dazai you are insanely good!” Chuuya shook him by the shoulders to empathize with every word.

“Stop or I’m gonna throw up!” Chuuya stopped immediately and grinned at him. “You wanna learn some steps?”

“That is the stupidest question you have ever asked” Chuuya crossed his arms with a grimy expression and Dazai smiled when the other grinned happily at him. “Of course I want to!”

Dazai had never thought of himself as someone who can teach well. Chuuya had fallen in those two hours more times on his ass than doing the actual jump.

It was hilarious to see what came to them so easily was so complicated for others.

Chuuya knew how to ice skate, he managed to skate curves and was able to turn around and stop. The basics he would say.

“Do you remember a choreography you’ve done?” Chuuya questioned him, he was out of breath and holding onto the railing with all his might. He managed to land the jump perfectly after half an hour, it was a fairly easy jump but Dazai told him that it was a difficult one. Chuuya’s smile was worth it and who was going to tell him the truth?

“I do, you wanna see it?” And Chuuya nodded and gave him two thumbs up as he scrambled off from the ice. Dazai didn’t remember a whole choreography, he had lied again to Chuuya. But the other didn’t know and wasn’t going to notice it either.

He skated into the middle and started with his arms, moving them around first above his head like a Spanish flamenco dancer.

A specific song was playing in his mind and he did what felt right at the moment. A jump or a quick pirouette or an arabesque while gliding over the ice with his grace.

Dazai had anticipated that the feeling would be nostalgic but for some reason it felt new, as if they were reborn and stood on a different ground even though all ice rinks were the same.

Maybe it was the fact that they did what they wanted and not what was expected of them. The freestyle was freeing something in him that he didn’t know felt caged in before.

All of the sudden he felt like a child again and now he was able to move the way he wanted to instead of following his trainer’s screams. He heard her voice but it was blurred as the song in his head kept playing. It was faster and his arms hurt all of the sudden.

Something was piercing out of them.

Dazai didn’t notice when he had closed his eyes but when he opened them he thought he saw wings growing out of his arms.

His moves turned more hectic and his heartbeat was rushing in his ears, his thighs burned in a delicious way and his wings took off.

“Dazai, that was amazing!” Chuuya complimented him, totally unaware of the inner conflict that had happened a few meters away from him. Dazai breathed out and nodded as thanking him.

It was almost midnight when they left the ice rink and went home.

They went into Chuuya’s apartment and laid on his bed. The light was turned off, it was late and Dazai had to wake up in a handful of hours to catch his flight. The moon was up and Dazai fell asleep a few minutes into watching their show.

He only remembered closing his eyes, seeing nothing and then he saw her.

“You’ve grown up” Her smile unnerved him.

“The doctors were surprised by my height given how the stuff you gave you made teens stop their growth” Dazai answered for some reason. They saw himself and his trainer standing in front of each other in a dark place. No light was casted on them but he still saw them from his perspective clearly.

The words the Dazai said in front of him were his exact thoughts. He felt his throat tightening up.

“Hush, don’t say it like you didn’t enjoy it” She smiled and her teeth were covered in mud. It was disgusting.

“No, I didn’t enjoy it. Perhaps you’ve taken too much in your youth and it hurts your brain too much” Dazai was nearly crying out of fear. How he had the courage to talk to her like that scared the living sh*t out of him.

“Oh dear, don’t be so mean. I’ve never hurt you” She was mocking him, but two can play the game.

“How is prison treating you?” Her smile dropped immediately.

“Better than your career” He scoffed.

“You still think that it was my dream job to become an ice skater?” He couldn’t believe this woman. “It was a hobby and it still is. I’ve never wanted to become a professional ice skater, you and my stupid parents wanted that! But what I wanted was unimportant!”

Her brows scrunched up and she stepped a little forward. He knew what was about to happen and grabbed her hand as she tried to slap him, her shocked face made him feel lightheaded. It was like she had given him another drug to test his abilities with.

“Don’t even think about it” He whispered and she whimpered.

“DAZAI” A hand shook his shoulder and when he turned around he saw Chuuya.

It was a dream.

The very realistic dream made his hair stand up.

“Hey, it's just a dream. You’re at my apartment. You’re safe” Chuuya’s eyes were his safe place because when he looked into them he felt the panic ebb away.

“I saw my trainer” Dazai told him as much as he can remember and Chuya took his hand in his. “Did I wake you up?”

“No, you didn’t” Chuuya looked away to the side, he bit his lip. He was ashamed. “I couldn’t sleep”

“Why?” Dazai asked and reached out so that Chuuya was looking at him. Their hand cradled Chuuya’s face and they wanted to slap themself for going away tomorrow.

Chuuya leaned into the touch and closed his eyes as if looking at him pained him. Dazai felt his heart aching because he knew why Chuuya couldn’t sleep.

“It wasn’t your fault” Chuuya tried to hide his face in Dazai’s palm.

“I shouldn’t have taken you to the ice rink, but you were so excited when you told me about it. I-I can’t help but feel guilty” A single tear fell down Dazai’s cheek because everything was too much.

The four month break, the ice skating, the dream and now Chuuya blaming himself.

“Sunshine” Chuuya looked at him and sighed when he saw the tears. “It wasn’t your fault. She is a horrible person and made the sport I loved so dearly a nightmare for me. I will have to separate my love for ice skating from my trainer. It is something I have to deal with”

“Don’t say that. I want to help you. I don’t want you to go through that on your own” Chuuya turned his head and kissed the inside of Dazai’s palm oh so softly. He turned their hand around and kissed every single knuckle until Dazai thought he was about to explode from the love he received from Chuuya.

“How am I gonna be able to sleep in London when I don’t have you with me?” Dazai joked while his tears dried.

“You have the plushie I’ve won for you” Chuuya chuckled softly and Dazai felt the melancholy so sweetly in his heart it was a beautiful feeling but at the same time he thought it was going to be the death of him.

“It’s not the same,” He whispered.

“I know” Chuuya held his hand and Dazai pulled the other into a hug. Chuuya’s hold on him was so tight, Dazai thought he was going to break one of his ribs.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep anymore. Do you wanna stay awake with me?” He had to wake up at five in the morning. He was able to stay awake until that time.

“Sure, Mackerel. Anything for you”

“Call me when you arrive in Heathrow” Mori glared at him and Dazai smiled tiredly at him. The gate had been open for more than five minutes and people had gathered at the entrance. He was in a hurry.

“I will!” They said their goodbyes and Dazai was on the plane. His siblings were at home. It was five in the morning and Mori declared that he wanted to bring Dazai to the airport.

He was glad that he had brought his noise canceling headphones. It was loud and the flight was going to take over 15 hours and then he had to take the tube from Heathrow to his apartment.

It was Sunday so he had the day to himself, the plane was going to land at two pm and if they were jet lagged he was able to sleep it off.

He put his headphones on and the last thing he remembered was a nice lady asking him if he was thirsty.

The tube system was messy. Japan’s trains were over punctual so it was uncommon for Dazai to wait a few minutes for the train to arrive.

His English skills were pretty good, borderline mother tongue a teacher had told him years ago and he read enough English books to keep his vocabulary on top.

The apartment or better said flat, was a one room flat with a big window, a desk and little closet near Waterloo station. He would have to take the tube everyday to get to the company. It was decent enough for the next four months.

He sent a few pictures to Chuuya and Atsushi who immediately responded.

Chuuya 2:56pm:
‘London is kind of ugly’

Dazai 2:56pm:
‘Some parts are not so nice to look at but overall it’s great. You’d love it’

Dazai 2:56pm:
‘I miss you already’

Chuuya 2:56pm:
‘I miss you too. Who’s gonna keep me updated on the newest drama happening at the Kardashian’s house?’

Dazai 2:57pm:
‘I think Kylie just announced her pregnancy’

Chuuya 2:57pm:
‘Is Kylie the model or the makeup artist?’

Dazai 2:57pm:
‘The make up artist’

He smiled at the messages and switched the chat to Atsushi.

Atsushi 2:56pm:
‘It looks so pretty! Hope you landed safely’

Dazai 2:58pm:
‘Don’t lie to yourself. This neighborhood doesn't look pretty…’

Dazai 2:59pm:
‘I landed very well. The tube system is pretty bad imo’

Atsushi 2:59pm:
‘You cannot expect every public transport system to be as punctual as Japan’s’

Dazai 3:00pm:
‘I didn’t expect it but I was hoping for it to be similar’

He texted with his friends for quite a while as he felt sleep tugging at his eyelids. His phone fell out of his grip and he woke up to a wet pillow under his face, one pant leg being pushed upwards at his knee and his mind mushed.

He remembered where he was and checked the time. It was pretty late, he should have dinner soon.

One of Oda’s recommendations turned out to be top tier. It was a dumpling place in Chinatown. The meat was juicy and the vegetables were steamed well enough to keep his stomach and mind happy.

He sent Chuuya and Atsushi and this time also Oda a picture of his meal, the whole table was full with plates and his camera didn’t even catch all of them on his screen.

His hunger was satiated and they went back to his flat to fall first into their bed.
They needed some well deserved sleep to function tomorrow.

What was it going to be like to be working at the company? He was curious to find it out. He had a little TV in his room and he turned it on and was surprised to see an episode of Criminal Minds. He took a picture and sent it to Chuuya, the other was most likely asleep.

Chuuya 11:23pm:
‘You’re watching without me?’

Dazai 11:23pm:
‘I turned the TV on and it was the first thing that I saw’
Dazai 11:23pm:
‘Blame the TV but not me!’

Chuuya 11:24pm:
‘I would never…’

Dazai 11:25pm:
‘But you just did?’
Dazai 11:25pm:
‘Why are you even awake?’

Chuuya 11:25pm:
‘I’m heading off to work. It’s 7 in the morning here. Go to sleep you have a packed schedule planned for tomorrow’

Dazai 11:25pm:
‘Text me when you arrive. Tell Kouyou I said hello’

Chuuya 11:26pm:
‘As if you don’t text with her every second of the day. You are literally best friends’

Dazai 11:26pm:
‘Just say you’re jealous, it’s not that deep;)’

Chuuya 11:26pm:
‘Ha, you wish’

And Dazai fell asleep just like that.

To say that he wasn’t a fan of British food was nicely put. In Dazai’s opinion it tasted like garbage. Where were the spices? He'd rather eat a napkin than the food they grabbed on their way to the company. An English muffin and a coffee to go. It tasted like ground beans mixed with stale water.

He was greeted by a big and modern building and when he walked in they were greeted by the receptionist, guiding him to the fourth floor.

He met his boss, a tall and strict man and was immediately sent into a meeting. His coworkers introduced themselves to him.

The working atmosphere was calm and friendly. A few of the people who sat at the long white table had their own offices while some worked in an open office area.

Dazai was assigned to a woman a few years older than him. Her name was Arya Bakshi. She was Indian and almost his height. A classic white shirt and tie spotted her outfit with a black skirt and combat boots, while the rest of the crew fully looked the part with either a suit or formal wear.

“Arya is just fine” A few golden pieces of jewelry accentuated her outfit even more and she had a golden nose ring. “And I go by she/her”

“I go by he/they and Dazai is also just fine” She smiled and sat behind her desk. Her office was not as big as the meeting room but it had enough space for a huge wooden desk, two chairs and a little refrigerator.

“Great, another one” She looked through his application papers.

“What do you mean by that?” Dazai arched an eyebrow.

“Oh nothing serious. A friend and I have a bet that mostly queer people apply for a position here or study literature in general. What's it like in Japan? I mean with being queer?” Dazai never thought of it much. He passed well enough for people to not get nosy.

“Japanese people don’t hate it but they don’t like to see queer people being very public about it. It is different for foreigners and Native people. Also the fact that same sex marriage is still banned…” Dazai mused their chin while talking, Arya’s dark brown eyes scanned him.

“Well, that sucks. Here you can be as openly queer as you want. There are still f*ckers who talk sh*t and do stuff but there are definitely some queer safe places” She flipped another page. “Damn, you’re smart, like really smart wow. I will have fun with you”

The day passed in a hurry. He mostly had to proofread texts by small authors and had to write a comment on each story or paper they read.

“A few of my friends and I were talking about going to a bar later, you wanna join us?” Arya packed her bag as the sun was setting. Dazai was pretty tired but still agreed. She told him that she was going to text him the place and time.

The bar was relatively hidden in a dark alley and Dazai thought that they were definitely going to get robbed in that street but from far away his name was called out and he saw Arya with a few people in front of the pub. As he got closer they could make out a rainbow flag hanging on the outside.

“Welcome to the Retro Bar! So guys this is Dazai, the new internship I told you about” Four people stood behind her and most of them were feminine presenting. They all had typical English names and hugged him tightly as if they had known each other forever.

“So how is London so far?” Their name was Michael if he remembered correctly.

“Good but why did no one tell me about how bad British food is?” Dazai was one beer in and started to loosen up, a David Bowie song was playing and Arya and a friend ran towards the dance floor and sang and danced as if their life depended on it.

“Oh dear, you ate the supermarket food right? Don’t do that! That’s like the first rule when you come here” Michael shook her head and Dazai smiled.

The night was cozy and rushed. They drank a lot and Dazai noticed that he was a beer fan.

When he got back it wasn’t even that late and he called Chuuya. They had texted quite often throughout the day and Dazai was so tipsy that he told Michael about Chuuya. When he had a sip of alcohol in his blood his mouth seemed to run by itself and Chuuya was its favorite topic.

Chuuya’s first day was great. He arranged a model photoshoot in a few days and he told Dazai about everything.

“Isn’t it like four in the morning?” Dazai was tired and almost fell asleep as he noticed that it was also rather late in London.

“Yes but I wanted to talk to you” Chuuya said and Dazai could hear that he was settled in his bed. Oh, how much he wanted to see the other.

“Did you stay awake for me?” Dazai giggled and he could hear Chuuya sighing on the other end.

“Yes I did. Don’t let it go to your head. Your ego is already too big” Chuuya asked him about his day and he told him all about Arya and the bar. The other was laughing as Dazai told him about Arya forcing him to dance with her.

“She sounds like a gem” Chuuya said and those were the last words Dazai heard as he fell asleep a few moments after that, hearing Chuuya’s voice was like a lullaby to his ears.

When he woke up, Chuuya had hung up a long time ago and sent him a message about Dazai snoring on the phone.

Dazai 8:21am:
‘Liar, I don’t snore’

Chuuya 8:23am:
‘Sure if you can sleep better at night then tell yourself that’

Dazai remembered the way to Arya’s office and knocked before entering. She sat behind her desk, her hair was up in a bun and instead of a skirt she wore pants today and a baggy sweater with the collar of a dress shirt peeking out.

“Good Morning Dazai” She greeted him and placed the papers she had been reading to the side and folded her hands beneath her chin, a smirk plastered on her face.

“You know my friends really liked the evening with you” Dazai nodded, not so sure where the conversation was about to go. “But I do wonder, who is Chuuya?”

As if a hammer knocked the air out of him, they felt nervous. As if his mother caught him watching a movie above the age restriction.

“Ehm he is a good friend of mine” That was the most appropriate thing to say to your supervisor, right?

“Michael told me other things. Chuuya has really nice hair, beautiful eyes and a very good looking body” She tried to imitate Dazai’s voice and he had to hold back from laughing. “Don’t feel pressured I’m just very curious and if we are going to work together we need to get to know each other better”

“Okay fine” Dazai stopped with the act and confessed everything to her. Even though she was his supervisor she seemed and acted more like a friend. He appreciated it a lot and a good amount of pressure on him had vanished since he had been assigned under her wing.

“Ugh. Young love. How romantic. Now show me a picture of the guy that caught your heart or else I’m gonna give you a bad rep” Arya giggled and organized and signed off a paper.

“Are you even allowed to do that?” Dazai arched an eyebrow. Sure she was his supervisor, but he still got his side of the story.

“Honey, I could do whatever I want and the people would believe me” She laughed and Dazai didn’t know whether he should feel threatened or not.

They didn’t have to search for long to find a picture he had taken of Chuuya at Christmas.

“Oh, I get it. He’s a sight for sore eyes” Arya had to put her glasses on to see the picture clearly. “And his hair oh my god. No wonder you’re head over heels for him”

“He’s amazing” Dazai looked at the picture and smiled. It was only his second day away from home and he missed Chuuya.

“Tell him” As if she could see right through Dazai and saw the feelings they harbored for Chuuya. Was he that obviously in love? She pushed off the table and stood up to get a water bottle from the refrigerator, she handed Dazai another one.

“I will” It was a promise and no matter what would happen he was going to talk to the other when he got back. “The distance is a hassle for that but I’m planning to tell him when I get back”

“Do that. When you get married I wanna be invited” She said and Dazai choked on water.

“Who said something about marriage?” Arya laughed at that and handed him another heap of papers that he had to look over.

Time was flying and three days turned into a month. Dazai was lying if he said that he didn’t enjoy London. Almost everyday they did the things he enjoyed most; reading. Arya was sometimes in a very good mood and allowed him to go early or come later in.

The evenings were spent with Arya and her friends, either at a bar or restaurant or at someone’s flat. They chatted a lot and Dazai felt welcome wherever they went.

Michael was the person he got along with the best in Arya’s friend group. A tall blond masc presenting non binary person who was a raging lesbian who had the exact same taste in fashion and music as Dazai.

They were hilarious and sometimes she picked him up from work to go shopping.

Dazai had bought a new pair of boots and a floor length trench coat at a local flea market thanks to Michael’s influence.

Atsushi was a big fan of the boots, they were light brown combat boots that reached his ankle.

“They look so good!” He had screamed over the phone as they called via video call. “What is London like?”

“It rains a lot” Dazai looked outside his window and saw rain falling against the glass. It had rained for over six days now, non stop. “I had to buy an umbrella because I forgot mine at home”

“But that’s typical for England, right?” Atsushi prepared food while Dazai typed something on his laptop.

“Yes it is but it doesn’t make the situation much better”

After two months of working for the company Dazai noticed what he preferred and what he did not prefer in reading stories. The useless word building or the overly explained words made his head hurt and Arya almost popped a blood vessel reading one of the stories Dazai had reviewed.

“Our team planned a pottery class for tomorrow” Arya checked her calendar while pushing her glasses up her nose, it reminded him of Kunikida and he made a mental note to call the other later. “For strengthening teamwork and all that. You don’t have to tag along but I highly recommend it!”

“Was it your idea to go to a pottery class?” Dazai chuckled and licked his fingers to get a better grip while flipping pages.

“Yes, how do you know that?” Arya giggled.

“I was just guessing” Dazai answered and texted Chuuya under the table about the horrific story he had just read about a tragic child who gained superpowers after losing both his parents.

Dazai 12:56pm:
‘Why do all children with superpowers have dead parents?’

Chuuya 12:59 pm:
‘Tragic backstory, makes the character more likable and creates empathy for the reader. Aren’t you like a literature student? You should know this’

Dazai smiled at the jab.

Dazai 1:03pm:
‘Yeah yeah. I know’

“Who got you smiling like that?” Arya peeked her head over the desk to look at Dazai’s phone who turned it off immediately. He felt his cheeks redden and when they saw her smile he knew they had been caught red handed.

“It’s not what it looks like. I swear I-“

“Was that Chuuya? Oh please tell him I said hello” Arya clapped her hands together and Dazai wanted to shriek at himself. She resembled Yosano quite often. The two were both oddly similar.
They excelled at the things they did but could be the most insufferable person to be around. Maybe he should try and get the two to meet…

Dazai 1:05pm:
‘Arya says hi’

Chuuya 1:05pm:
‘Haha well thanks! Tell her that I love her outfits. She looks so fashionable,
Kouyou is also a big fan!’

“He says hi back and his Sister Kouyou and he are big fans of your fashion taste” Arya smiled and when she heard the name Kouyou her eyes seemed to bulge out of her head.

“Kouyou? The Kouyou Osamu based in Tokyo, CEO of Golden Demon?” Arya pushed off her chair and slammed her hands on the desk.

“Yeah, she’s his sister and a good friend of mine” Arya almost launched over the desk towards him.

“You are friends with her and never thought of mentioning that fact? Do you even know how famous that woman is?” Arya was about to combust, Dazai scratched at his cheek, unsure of what to answer or say to make the situation a tad calmer.

“From where should I have known that you like her so much?” They never thought about Kouyou’s status in the fashion industry. Sure, she had her own boutique in Tokyo and designed clothes for A-List celebrities but it still never crossed Dazai’s mind how famous she was. To him she was the woman Chuuya looked up to and a good friend.

“Ugh, I forgot you’re a man. You don’t get it! What is she like, privately” Work was forgotten and the two strolled to a nearby cafe and chatted about Kouyou, recent fashion trends and Dazai was reminded that he had known Arya for about two months.

She seemed like a solid person in his life, a part of him that he was going to leave behind. At least for now he can treasure the memories they were going to have with each other. It still surprised him how easily he opened up to her, maybe it was the way she presented herself or the friendly aura she carried with her all the time.

Maybe it was Chuuya’s influence on him, that man really broke him apart and placed the pieces back into place. And Dazai noticed that he was happier than ever before. They didn’t remember when he had felt this good about things. Going out of the house, meeting new people and living a normal life. It all came so easily to him now what seemed far away and distant from him a few months ago.

He was making progress and they noticed that their fear of getting better had been a false sense of security. He had felt nothing all those years and when Chuuya came crashing into his life he was fairly scared. But now he was proud to have taken the step towards healing.

Dazai knew that he was never going to be fully healed but he had people around him and they knew that they could lean on their shoulders and didn’t have to carry his burdens alone.

The realization brought a smile to his face, a sincere and true smile, he felt his cheeks hurting from it. The melancholy would tag with him wherever he would go but now it seemed to be in a fist fight with true happiness. The feeling might pass soon, but as long as he felt happy they were going to relinquish it, bath in it like the sun rays that shone through the windows at the cafe.

“You look happy” Arya mentioned as she sipped on her matcha.

“I am” Only saying the words made Dazai the happiest person on earth, nothing could ever change that.

Later on he posted a picture Arya had taken of him in the cafe.

“You look so happy. I’m glad you’re doing well” Oda called him that evening. It was way too late for the man to be up at this time. Dazai told him about the bookshops he had visited so far and the books they had read in their free time. Oda was getting after one hour but still stayed up to tell Dazai very good news.

“I have to tell you something” Oda’s voice sounded sad and Dazai saw it coming. Ango and he broke up, Oda’s parents died or even worse one of his children. They prepared for the bad news.

“I don’t have a boyfriend anymore” His heart stopped and tears welled up. How was he able to tell him that and even worse waited till the last minute? “Because he’s my fiancé now”

“WHAT!!!” Dazai screamed into his pillow, he couldn’t keep quiet, not when Oda told him such good news. “Never do that again, my f*cking god! I thought I was gonna have a heart attack”

“It was Chuuya’s idea” Oda chuckled at the other end and Dazai laughed at that because only Chuuya would do something like that to him.

“Who else would hurt me like that?” Dazai scoffed and calmed down from his emotional outburst and sighed. “Congratulations Oda. I am so happy for you”

“Thank you Dazai, it means a lot. I haven’t told many people but I think it was important for you to be one of the first to know” Dazai’s heart couldn’t take anymore and he did what he was the best at.

“And you told Chuuya before me? He isn’t even taking one of your courses!” He complained!

“Weird thing happened, he said the same thing to me when I told him. You two spent too much time together and your brains started to synchronize” Oda chuckled and Dazai sent a middle finger to Chuuya. Oda hung up before wishing him a good night.

It was the day of the pottery class. The shop was painted in white walls and everyone wore an apron over their clothes. They had the day off and it was much more comfortable to see his coworkers in their all day wear and not their usual formal clothing.

They sat on long benches and were instructed to paint already made objects such as vases, plates, mugs or cups.

Dazai chose a mug. It was a normal sized one and fit snugly in his palm.

He wasn’t the best with presents so a thought had struck him the evening before the class to paint a mug for Chuuya’s birthday.

As they sat all next to each other he saw Arya painting a vase with delicate flowers and bees.

Half an hour and a few Pinterest researches later he found the inspiration they needed and started scribbling first.

It didn’t take a long time for the mug to be completed and Dazai inspected their masterpiece from every angle possible. The owner of the shop told them that it was going to take a week for all the paintings to be fully dried. The whole team went to a bar for drinks, if he had ended up completely wasted and Arya carried him back home piggy style it was not noteworthy, and that was how month two of his internship ended.

With the change of season the rain was less harmful and the sun peeked through a wall of clouds. The umbrella lay unused in the corner of Dazai’s room and they were out more often these days.

Spring was beautiful. Around this time the cherry blossoms started to bloom and Dazai loved it. The smell filled his nose with the smell of home and how much he wanted to be home with his friends.

They weren’t homesick, not one bit and that made him miss his home even more. Just the thought alone made needles prickle at his skin in nervousness and the giddiness spread through his core like a fire.

He sat quite often on a bench in a local park and read or wrote silly little poems or whatever they came up with. Sometimes he would write many pages full of letters or poems, to imaginative people or the people he dearly missed.

It was sappy and he loved it. The book was the one Chuuya had gifted him all those months ago and on some days he read through the few entries they had written.

Chuuya’s photoshoot went perfectly just like Dazai believed he would. The man had a great eye for a camera and he knew that if they ever needed someone to make professional photos of him he would go to Chuuya.

Their last call was one week ago. The other talked about his internship and the models he had met, the annoying ones that thought themselves to be better than anyone were definitely something that Chuuya had openly complained about.

In one week it was Chuuya’s birthday and Dazai spent a few of these seven days writing a handful of poems.

Writing a story came much easier to him than interlacing words that made no sense to create a beautiful language that only few people who really wanted to understand it could do.

He was never a big fan of poetry, having to read between the lines made his head hurt and they were all so romantic that he had always wanted to throw up while reading.

At a little bookshop he had bought a poetry book, they had thought of Chuuya who was a big sucker for poetry and everything that had to do with aesthetic writings.

But to be able to give him something on his birthday they planned to tell him one of the poems he had written.

The days up to Chuuya’s birthday weren’t eventful. Arya whined about a date she could have had but she swiped left and the love of her life as she called her, was gone. Michael caught a cold and the rest of the group had to work quite a lot so Dazai stayed at his place and cooked dinner for himself and Arya if she tagged along.

It was 4 pm when Dazai rang Chuuya’s phone. At first he thought that the other was sleeping, it was in fact midnight in Tokyo but Dazai didn’t want to wait any longer.

“Dazai, I swear to God if you ever-“ Chuuya had been sleeping, his voice was raspy and deep and Dazai had to keep his giggling low.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY SUNSHINE!” He screamed into the speaker and what he would do to see Chuuya’s face right now.

“Oh I totally forgot that. Thank you” He chuckled and Dazai could hear him yawning. Dazai asked him about the last week and Chuuya slowly but surely woke up to his energetic self.

Not much had happened. He tagged along at a rather quiet fashion show and Kouyou was begging him to accept a model job that a man presented him after the show.

Dazai would have done the same thing if he were a photographer, he would make as many photos of Chuuya as possible and hang them up his walls. The man was gorgeous, shaped by the hands of ancient gods and created to wreak havoc when someone would look into his eyes. He probably didn’t even know the effect he had on people.

“Have you ever been to a Grand Prix Contest?” Chuuya asked out of the blue.

“You need to be more specific” Dazai chuckled but it was left of the usual smile. Where was Chuuya going with the question?

“Ice skating Grand Prix Tokyo. About 8 years ago” It couldn’t be…it was the day he f*cked up and woke up hours later in the hospital. He gulped down.

“I was a finalist and lost” Dazai questioned Chuuya’s train of thoughts but then he heard a choking sound and every air molecule left his lungs.

“Chuuya!” Dazai stood up as if that would make a difference.

“No, I just-“ Chuuya sounded visibly teary and coughed for a short moment. “Do you remember what you wore that day?”

“A silver body with black accents” It short right out of the pistol. Of course he remembered what he had worn on the day his trainer had lost him forever. “Chuuya please tell me what you want”

He felt choked up, as if the anticipation would kill him every second. Another shaky breath intake from the other side was heard.

“So it was you,” Chuuya answered and it was so hopeful and sweet that Dazai wanted to hug him. It still confused him to some extent why the other kept weeping.

“What do you-“ Then it hit him.

What did Chuuya tell his mother on his birthday whenever he visited her? When was the first time he had seemed visibly shy in front of Dazai?

The ice skater from the competition!

“You saw me? All those years ago?” Dazai felt more than heard how his voice broke.

“I did, do you know that you inspired me to pick up photography? It was you stupid idiot” Only Chuuya would curse while basically confessing an eight year crush. Dazai was overcome by the crushing weight of the world.

Chuuya had known him so much longer than he had thought and he had loved him even back then. He met them and still loved them the same. It was such a devastating feeling that he could not keep it together and broke down.

“Back then I was so obsessed with you, did you know that? Gosh if only I would have known what you would be like when fully grown up” Chuuya chuckled and it tore at Dazai’s heart.

This was a love confession and Dazai didn’t know that love can hurt so much. It was so typical for Chuuya, he broke them apart and placed the pieces back in a beautiful order.

He was destructive and delicate at the same time.

“Chuuya, I love you” Dazai didn’t trust his voice to utter more than the words that were engraved in his heart.

“Tell me when we see each other again,” Chuuya said and it felt like a promise. “Thank you for being the best birthday present I could have ever wished for. I can’t wait to have you back”

Chapter 20: It feels good to be known so well

Chapter Text

‘I can’t wait to have you back’ Chuuya didn’t know that he was a greedy man.

He was used to giving, giving his feelings to others, giving strength when it wasn’t even needed and giving everyone what they wanted instead of thinking of taking anything in return. Being selfless came so unbelievably easy to him, as if it was his in nature.

He gave people a place to feel safe, protected his loved ones until he was close to breaking, he gave them reassurance and all his love to the point that he felt void of it. He had given everything all his life and he had never known when to not do it.
With Dazai it had changed.

But now he was greedy. He needed Dazai. The love they had for him whether it be a few written words, a simple touch or just seeing him smiling. The longing for them was unbearable; it felt like he was underwater, his lungs aching with the need to breathe and the surface was a hand’s length away from him but he was moving in slow motion.

His love for the other felt suffocating, the distance between them was wearing him down but it seemed that his feelings grew increasingly to the point that they seemed to break out of the cracks of his heart.

He was a radiating star, close to burst and taking everything with him along the way as if he was a destroying monster that didn’t know when to stop, as if he was unable to stop.

The only salvation would be Dazai.

He desired to be with Dazai. It was as if his feelings made his mind unable to function and his body.

Before Dazai had left his feelings were kept inside but now as he had left and had been absent for three months those feelings started to affect him physically.

He slept much worse. Nightmares plagued him and when he woke up drenched in sweat and with his clothes sticking to his body he only longed for Dazai to be by his side and nurse him back to sleep.

When he drove to Kouyou’s boutique he was not in the right state of mind and drove carelessly; he was a safe driver but not when his heart wasn’t in the right place. It wound claws all inside his body and pressed his lungs together with a force unknown to mankind. It clawed at his throat and made him unable to speak.

It was suffocating him from the inside out like a parasite.

One month was left from the internship and soon he was going to be back in the arms of the person he yearned for so much.

These past few days he had been spending time with Dazai’s family. He visited Elise and Yumeno and took the two with him to the cinema or shopping to keep his mind occupied.

His friends were busy, whether they were interning or working on projects or studying for exams.

The last movie they had watched was a horror movie, to Chuuya’s surprise he was the only one of the three who was scared and jumped at every jumpscare.

Yumeno, who wasn’t even in middle school yet, sat proudly in their seat in the cinema and even giggled as a woman was cut in two pieces. Where did Mori pick these two up?

He took them back home and was invited to have dinner with them.

Mori tried his best to be home more often these past few weeks but he was still busy, answering calls mid dinner or having to answer emails in the evening. The workload didn’t allow him to catch a break.

Chuuya was out in the back, it was late and the food warmed his stomach. A cigarette lay between his lips while he texted Dazai about the movie they had watched earlier.

Dazai 11:46pm:
‘Why do you take my siblings on a date but not me?’

Perhaps it was the warm May evening or the love he felt for the other that warmed his cheeks a slight red.

After their call on his birthday he was sure that Dazai felt the same. Even if they didn’t share the same kind of love for each other, Chuuya knew that they were able to figure things out.

Their friendship still lasted and he knew that their bond was not going to be broken by any of his emotions. They still laughed together, teased each other and Dazai still annoyed him to death but now it was less the painful kind of annoying where he wanted to strangle them ambit more like kiss him until the other shut up.

“Chuuya, do you have a moment?” The door to the back creaked open and Mori peeked his head out. His long black hair that framed his face like a hood was unkempt and his eyebags looked much worse in the dark.

“Sure” Chuuya breathed the smoke out and stubbed the cigarette butt in the ashtray. It was his first cigarette of the day. It felt good.

“This might come off as weird but you two are much closer and I-“ Mori rambled and Chuuya’s patience was wearing thin. Even though he respected the man for his work and his family that didn’t mean that he had to like him. His absence was written over the children’s faces and Chuuya knew what that felt like, being left behind by the person that was the only family they had.

“What is it?” His voice was harsh and Mori let the act drop.

“How is Dazai?” Chuuya guessed that Dazai hadn’t reached out in these last few months. They texted on a daily basis, it was part of his routine.

“Good. Went out for drinks the other night with people they met. London is treating him well” Chuuya kept it short, if Dazai wanted to tell Mori about his life he would have already told him, the man was a talking mess most of the time. He still chose who to spend his energy on and who was unworthy of it. Mori seems to fall into the category of the latter.

“He didn’t text or call me since I drove him to the airport and I know that he keeps in touch with Yumeno and Elise” Was it guilt that painted his face? Chuuya couldn’t tell, the man was a mystery and he didn’t want to get to know him more than necessary. So not at all.

“Did you text him during those months?” Chuuya put his hands in his pockets when a harsh gust of wind struck him from behind.

“No” Chuuya felt like laughing but not only would it be provocative but also unbelievably impolite.

“Text him if you feel guilty” Mori looked down at the floor, his face hidden by his hair.

“I never had a chance, he had always been very protective of himself after what happened to his mother, she basically left him and-“ Chuuya held his hand up and that seemed to silence Mori.

“I don’t want to know it. Dazai is protective for a good reason. He can’t know that he can trust you if you never gave him a chance. In all those years he had lived under your roof, have you never reached out first?” Chuuya felt ridiculous for giving a man of three children advice for how to treat his kids.

“I did but it was always shallow” Looking at Mori made Chuuya want to punch a wall or the man in front of him.

“Well you have enough time and space to think” Chuuya walked towards the door, he was done with the conversation but Mori held him by his wrist before he could enter. The contact was icy cold, it was warm outside. Chuuya glared at him in a silent warning.

“Thank you Chuuya for being there for him” Mori’s eyes were cold just like his hands and Chuuya felt unnerved by it.

“Don’t thank me like this is a job” He left the house shortly after going to the kids again and saying goodbye.

“Come over soon!” Yumeno hugged him and Elise smiled at him and nodded in agreement with her sibling.

“I will. I have a photoshoot in the next few days, I can take you with me” The children squeaked and it was set in stone that evening that the two were going with him to Tokyo.

Kouyou agreed to the idea of the two kids coming over. Even though she was rather unimpressed by the idea of love she was a big fan of kids. Her eyes seemed to sparkle whenever her eyes landed on a little child as if she knew it for an eternity.

“They always remind me of you. It makes me feel like a mother with a grown up child” She chuckled behind the sleeve of her kimono. They sat in her office and drank the coffee and tea that Chuuya had taken with him on his way to the shop.

“You were raising me so I guess you could say that you were my mother” Chuuya snickered as he took a sip of his drink. Black coffee with a teaspoon of sugar.

Since when he sweetened his drinks he didn’t remember. It must have happened some time ago.

“Dazai is really thriving in London, don’t you think?” Kouyou inquired. The sun was shining through her big windows and created a halo around her head.

“He really is. I’m kind of jealous” Chuuya joked and stopped immediately when he saw Kouyou’s serious face.

“I could have organized you a position abroad as well, you know that right? You saw how the people at the fashion show threw themselves at you. Watch out soon you’ll be ahead of me” Kouyou glared jokingly at him and Chuuya belted out.

“You really think that?” Chuuya wondered. “But I love it here I didn’t want to leave if I had the chance to be with you”

“Oh you are so sweet sometimes” Kouyou giggled as Chuuya’s cheeks reddened. “Soon it won’t be ‘Kouyou Ozaki and her brother’ but ‘Chuuya Nakahara and his sister’. Wait a few years you’ll see what I mean”

There had been an article about him after the show and he couldn’t believe his eyes. He immediately sent it to Dazai who was convinced it was fake first.

“Ugh stop it. You know how hard I flush” Chuuya covered his pink cheeks with his hands.

“You have potential. You sometimes underestimate how talented you are. Take some credit” Whenever Kouyou complimented him it buzzed inside him because the sister in her didn’t praise him but the brand owner of Golden Demon.

He felt his flush spreading down his neck and her persistent eye contact with her firm eyes made it not easier for him.

“Kouyou stop it!” He wailed and he felt like a child again in their home, he could feel the comfort of the place and the smell of a newly brewed kettle of green tea.

“I know I know but you look so cute when you blush! I wanted to see it before it will be used up by a special someone” She wiggled her eyebrows and Chuuya choked on a sip of coffee.

“I think I heard my name!” He stood up and ran for the door.

“He really likes you” His hand halted on the handle. The warm feeling was back.

“Do me and you a favor and tell him when he gets back” He could hear the softness in Kouyou’s voice.

“I don’t think I need to tell him” He left the office and went on with his day as usual.

The ride back was refreshing since spring started. The wind didn’t hurt his face as it used to and a thin leather jacket was enough to shield him from the cold.

When he got home that evening he changed into one of Dazai’s sweaters. It was a tad too big. The arms were too long and he had to turn the sleeves around to make them fit his size. The collar had the faintest hint of Dazai’s perfume and the smell alone made his head feel lightheaded.

While he held himself close with the big gray sweater he was reminded of the day Dazai gave it to him. The idiot was freezing but Dazai was everything but especially stubborn and forced him to put it on. After that he laughed at how big the sweater looked on Chuuya and he threatened him with another broken nose.

How much he missed them was indescribable. A scorning heat rushed through his veins at the thought of seeing him again. The weekly calls weren’t enough he needed to see him in person.

Tachi came back shortly before Chuuya prepared dinner.

“What’s up pretty princess?” His roommate joked and took his shoes off at the entrance.

“Who are you calling princess?” Chuuya screamed at him with his mouth full of rice.

“The sweater is like three sizes too big for you. It looks like a dress” Chuuya rolled his eyes and flipped him off.

“You’re just jealous that I have a sweater and you don't,” Tachi walked into the couch.

“Ouch that hurt” He rubbed his knee but Chuuya had the feeling he meant it in different ways, he smiled.

“When will the sweater owner allow us his presence again?” After a quick shower Tachi came back and hopped onto the counter next to Chuuya who ate a bowl of curry. He tried the curry recipe that Oda had sent him a few days ago.

“In about three weeks. The asshole doesn’t want to tell me the exact date” Tachi stole a bean from Chuuya’s bowl and his hand was slapped away. “Get your own. I made enough for both of us”

“You think he planned something?” Tachi asked and grabbed a bowl with curry. Chuuya hummed in thought.

“I don’t even want to imagine it” He did want to imagine it but he was too stubborn to agree.

He got a necklace with a little sheep charm from his friends for his birthday. It was real silver and handmade, it was beautiful and the necklace was made out of high quality leather. It hung snugly around his neck and the charm was placed right in the center of his décolleté.

They had spent the day at his apartment and played a few card games, drank sake, to the point that Chuuya didn’t know if he was hanging from the ceiling or sitting on the floor, and ordered from their favorite ramen place.

It was cozy and exactly the way Chuuya wanted his twenty third birthday to be, sans Dazai. Their absence was painstakingly evident but he tried to not show it too obviously. His friends as he knew them were all aware but they didn’t ignore it. They chatted about Dazai as if the idiot was right next to them. It was heartwarming and he texted Dazai about it.

In retrospect he did feel guilty about the call. He had skipped through the photos in his SD card from his old camera and found the pictures he had taken at the ice skating contest and he noticed a weird similarity between Dazai and the ice skater. Call it intuition or an unhealthy obsession but he googled Dazai and found articles about him.

He was called an ice skating prodigy.

Their moves did look majestic on the ice as if they weighed nothing and their moves were fluid like water, the usually long limbs that hung from his body made sense all of the sudden. His clumsiness was gone and only a being too perfect to be human was gliding over the ice with ease that not everyone was able to grasp.

Chuuya was starstruck and knew at that moment that it had to be him. Questions bombed his brain and it malfunctioned, unable to utter a single word. In that moment only Dazai existed, as if he was the answer all those years ago. Then his curiosity came back in waves as he sat in his bed and his questions were answered.

That shocked him. He thought his brain was about to explode from the realization.

Did Dazai know all this time that Chuuya had meant him, when he told him about the pictures while they were visiting his mother? He sure did, they were too smart to not have a clue.

In one week Dazai was going to come back.

Chuuya sat backstage in a high seat, his feet touching the ground and his view was obscured by a makeup artist, talking with the director about his makeup.

He accepted the offer to model for a new coming fashion designer.

“Is that your natural hair color?” The lady brushed it with little care and Chuuya scrunched his face as knots were painfully ripped out. He could make out Kouyou chuckling from somewhere behind him.

“It is” If the whole ordeal was going to be people pestering him and making his scalp hurt from pulling at his hair he was going to blow the whole thing off.

“Hey Kaito, come here for a second” The designer, a man in his mid forties with graying hair strands and a little goat beard at his chin came over. “What do you think?”

She held up a few strands of his hair at the back of his head and Kaito nodded and clapped his hands together in pure delight.

“How much do you treasure your hair?” Chuuya arched an eyebrow at the question. He had grown it out since his teen years, he had always adored Kouyou’s hair but he noticed very quickly that he had more waves than her. Most of the time it looked rather unkempt and unruly than shiny and soft like Kouyou’s.

“As long as you don’t give me a buzz cut, I'm fine with everything” He enjoyed going through his hair with his fingers and feeling the length it had grown.

Some people say hair resembled memories, he had grown out of them.

The lady took a pair of metal scissors in her hand and started cutting his hair. He could only hear the noises the scissors made and every cut made him a little more nervous. Hopefully he wasn’t going to regret his decision.

After what felt like an eternity she stepped to the side and revealed his new hairstyle.

The long parts in the back were shortened to be on level with his ears, a long section in the middle of the back flowed down his neck and Chuuya was surprised to say that he liked it. A lot.

“It suits you” Kouyou placed a hand on his shoulder and smiled at him through the mirror.

“I have to get used to it” He touched the long strand and it was gliding through his fingers like silk. The ends were all soft and he grinned at the touch.

“You really needed a haircut, honey. Your hair was screaming at me to do something with it” The lady moved on and covered his eyes with some gel that made his eyes look wet and a tinted gloss for his lips, while his eyebrows were brushed straight upwards. It was freaky and new and Chuuya didn’t recognize the person he saw in the mirror. That was him, right?

Later on when he sent Dazai a picture the other mentioned that his haircut was similar to what some might call a ‘jellyfish haircut’. It sounded pretty silly and Chuuya enjoyed it even more.

The designer told him that he had a clear vision for the photoshoot in his mind since he met him for the first time.

His first outfit was a black blazer and black dress pants. Nothing else.

Chuuya didn’t mind wearing no shirt but with the people standing around the corner where he was positioned like a package he felt timid and had the urge to cover him up.

“Don’t focus on the people just do what feels natural” A light flashed and Chuuya was blind for a good moment but moved on as if nothing had happened.

Somehow he managed to do exactly what the designer wanted as he screamed at him to give him more or do that one pose again!

His second outfit consisted of a cropped dress shirt with straight cut shorts that reached his knees.

“Something is missing” Kaito stared at him as if he was a piece of clothing he had to figure out how to put on correctly.

“Get me a tie” He placed the tie around the collar unbound and let the ends hang loose around Chuuya’s neck.

This time Chuuya felt much more comfortable and relaxed obviously. Kouyou clapped her hands together or screamed at him like a wild fangirl. He had to hold back his laughter.

“Don’t hide it! Laugh if you have to” And he did. The people around cheered for him and that was how babies must feel when they made their first step. He felt ridiculous but in a good way.

He had in total five outfits of various sizes and aesthetics. At some point he wore a skirt or a huge hat.

“You were doing great!” Kouyou told him as they stepped into their cab. Chuuya breathed out and all the stress and nervousness was gone in an instant.

“I never want to do that ever again” Kouyou giggled and slapped Chuuya’s shoulder. “I prefer being the person behind the camera and not in front. It was a good experience but please never let me do that again”

“I will keep it in mind” She smiled and they set off to go to the shop. His phone buzzed and he reached into his pocket to fish it out.

Elise 7:42pm:
‘You’re good at photography, right?’

Chuuya 7:42pm:
‘I am. You’re interested in it?’

Elise 7:43pm:
‘Not me but my school hosts a special event and our photography team can’t make it for some reason (don’t ask me pls) and I thought of you. Dazai told me that you were above average

Why was that idiot able to tell his sister that but not Chuuya? He smiled fondly at the screen.

Chuuya 7:45pm:
‘How considerate of him! Sure I’ll do it. Text me the time and place and I’ll be there. I can pick you up and drop you off later when you want’

Elise 7:45pm:
‘You’re the best. Thank you!’

“Will you even be paid?” Kouyou asked him after he told her about Elise’s request.

“Don’t think so. I don’t mind though” He rubbed his chin and texted Dazai about it.

Dazai 7:50pm:
‘Man, she had bugged me for months now to go with her. I totally forgot about it. Please send me many photos (of you as well)

Chuuya 7:50pm:
‘Are you jealous?’

Dazai 7:52pm:
‘Give me one good reason to be jealous of you attending a school event full with raging teenagers who prob don’t even know what deodorant is’

Chuuya 7:52pm:
‘I’ll be wearing a suit’

Dazai 7:53pm:
‘Fair enough’

He giggled at Dazai’s antics. He knew how much Dazai had stared at his body the last time he had worn something slightly revealing. It was hilarious how their eyes seemed to bulge out of his eye sockets.

The bastard still didn’t want to tell Chuuya when he was back home.

The event was on Friday and he had enough time to prepare himself for it. He placed a new card into his camera and picked Elise off. He opted for a comfortable red dress shirt, tucked into black pants and his combat boots.

He parked his motorcycle in the school’s parking lot and people stared. Mostly students and stuck up parents.

“Looks like we have fans” Elise joked and placed the helmet off her head. She wore a red dress with white dots and had a red ribbon in her blond hair. She looked pretty.

“That’s what you get for coming with me” Chuuya smirked and took Elise’s helmet in his hand.

“I don’t mind” Elise smiled at him and bound her arm around one of his. It was a sweet gesture, familiar. He remembered doing that with Kouyou when he went somewhere new. “Your haircut suits you. It brings out your cheekbones”

He subconsciously touched his cheek and Elise giggled. The new haircut really made his face stand out more, the sharpness of his cheekbones and his pointy chin.

“Thank you”

Two days ago Elise and Yumeno were at Kouyou’s shop in Tokyo. They had taken the train, as Chuuya couldn’t take Tachi’s car that day and on his motorcycle there wasn't enough space for three people.

The two had been flabbergasted when they entered the shop. It was a big deal to be honest and they were welcomed by Kouyou personally, which was not usual, and led through the store.

Elise squirmed as she saw a collection with dresses that she usually wore and asked Kouyou if she had one in her size. Obviously she did.

Mori had given them enough money to pay the shop’s rent for one month and Elise was so excited and bought the dress. It suited her and the smile on her face was priceless. When was the last time she was out for longer than a few hours? Her walking dogra or going to school didn't count.

Yumeno seemed overwhelmed by the people there and the amount of colors and sneaked into Kouyou’s office. How they got there, Chuuya couldn’t explain it.

He sat on her big leather chair when the three found them there. The chair hovering behind them like a shadow and Kouyou tried to seem strict and berated the kid that they weren't allowed to sneak into her office without permission.

What Yumeno did not know was the tell tale sparkle in her eyes or the little wrinkle on her forehead that she got whenever she was about to laugh. Kouyou could be scary and Yumeno took that seriously and cried. Big sniffs and a runny nose were cared for by the utmost care by Kouyou and as compensation she treated all of them to a famous and fairly expensive sushi restaurant.

“Am I that harsh?” Kouyou had asked him later on the phone.

“No Yumeno was hungry and that kid is a menace when it comes to getting things their way” Chuuya chuckled at Kouyou’s guilty tone. “They would go that far and cry to get a good meal”

“Kids these days” Kouyou sighed as if she was a grandma looking after her grandchildren.

Chuuya reminisced about the day fondly while walking into Elise’s school gym. The walls were covered with posters and she told him about the meaning and about her classmates who had crafted them. She had a pep in her steps that he hadn't seen before. Her hands were behind her back, fiddling as if she was nervous.

A good amount of parents and students filtered out and into the gym doors. Light music was playing and laughter and screams could be heard from the inside. Elise had told him that her whole school would be attending the event, that was kind of a lot to be honest for Chuuya to take photos of.

As Elise started playing with her pigtails, her eyes roamed the hallway in a sudden fear.

“Wait a second” Chuuya stopped in his tracks and stepped to the side to let more people walk into the gym. He wanted to give Elise a moment to catch herself and covered it up by inspecting his bag as if he was making sure he had everything with him. The blonde jumped as if startled from thinking too hard.

“Are you fine with me being here?” Chuuya questioned her and she waved her hands.

“Of course I am. I invited you, don't you remember?” It didn't have the expected effect as she chuckled airly and scratched her neck. Chuuya only had to arch a single eyebrow to make her drop the act.

“I'm nervous. Can you tell?” She grimaced as she confirmed his suspicions.
“Yes, I can” He answered and her tense shoulders dropped and she slid down the wall next to the gym doors, fully ignoring curious onlookers, who passed by them.

“There is this boy in my class-” She started and alarm bells rang in Chuuya’s brain.

“Did he hurt you?”

“No!” She squealed immediately and her cheeks turned red, oh…it was most likely the complete opposite. “I like him. A lot”

“Then go and tell him” It came to his head in an instant and she looked at him taunting.

“Then go and call Dazai right now” He felt his heart skip a beat.

“Let’s not play dirty here little Miss” He tried to play it cool but he felt his cheeks heating up and he didn't want to end up looking like his shirt so he breathed out and held his hand up for Elise to hoist herself up. “Just be yourself and if he doesnt fall in love with you immediately then he is an asshole and pretty stupid”

“What a great help you are” She groaned and hid her face behind her hands.

“What do you want me to do? Make him fall for you? I can make him trip over his own shoes if you mean that-”

“No Chuuya!” She screamed and shut him off with a hand on his mouth.

“Elise, it is the sad but honest truth. If someone is not interested in you, you shouldn't push them to because then those feelings are not real. Make him see it himself, be yourself and accept someone who adores you and loves you for who you are” He rubbed soothingly over her upper arms and he felt her relax in his hold.

“You might have a good point” She rolled her eyes and looked to the side, she bit her lip and Chuuya patiently waited for her to continue talking. “It's just…ugh that's embarrassing but seeing you and Dazai made me jealous”

He chuckled because if only she knew what the two had to deal with to get that far. He and Dazai weren't even together and she talked about them like they had been together for ages. Was that what their relationship looked like? Did they harmonize so well that people get jealous? It made Chuuya kind of proud.

“Hey, it's totally fine. Look at me; I never had a relationship before and I have caught feelings for someone for the first time in my life. You have your whole life in front of you, don't pressure yourself and be patient. The right guy will come along, believe me” he led her into the gym by a hand on her shoulder and when they crossed the threshold the volume had doubled. The cheers were loud and the music was in fact louder than he had perceived them before.

“Wait, you and Dazai aren't together?” She had turned rapidly towards him and he acted like someone had called her name and pushed her away from him. “Hey! We are gonna have to talk about it later!”

“What? I can't hear you!” He lied and scurried into a corner.

That gut wrenching longing was back and he wanted to punch his stomach for it. Why couldn't Dazai be here with him, right next to him? They would talk sh*t about every student and try to participate in every single game stall that was propped up like a little market. Chuuya would have thrown the ball at the tins organized in a triangle and Dazai would have won a quiz about a specific subject to show off their smarts like a middle schooler.

Gosh, he really missed Dazai. That idiot really didn't leave his mind. He had taken over Chuuya’s thoughts and as punishment made him unable to focus on anything else.

To have his favorite pair of brown eyes back felt like a dream, but a dream that would come true in a few days.

His camera hadn't left his hands and he took a lot of different pictures, of the families talking, the students mingling around the stalls or groups of people cheering for one student at a stall. It was lively and the atmosphere was so young and fresh, it made Chuuya breath in deeply and he saw himself back in high school but this time not alone.

He had Tachi by his side and Dazai on the other. In front of them were Atsushi, Kunikida and Aku and behind them Higuchi and Gin. They would have roamed the hallways, Tachi with his boisterous and affective laugh, Dazai with his intellect and mysterious charm, Kunikida with his stern but strict demeanor would have been the school’s president and Atsushi his manager. Aku and Gin would have been the quiet but most rational ones and Higuchi would have been the peacemaker.

What would he be?
In the end it didn't matter, as long as he was happy and with his friends.
A band came on stage and caught his attention immediately, he hadn't noticed the stage before and stepped to the side to get some pictures of them. It must have been the school’s band. Three girls and two boys prepared themselves and suddenly an arm sneaked around his bicep to drag him down to be on Elise’s height.

“The drummer is the guy I like” Elise told him and pointed at him, he was hunched over to fix something so Chuuya couldn't see him.

“Should I take some extra photos?” He smirked at her and she flushed red, just like her dress.

“Don't do that!” She pointed an imposing finger at him and he nodded.

“We hope you were enjoying yourselves at the stalls!” They introduced themselves and started playing. They were good, not the best but Chuuya had to give it to Elise that the drummer was damn good. Nearing the end of the band’s performance the singer walked towards the drummer and held the microphone up to his face.

“The next song will be our last” People screamed at them to keep playing. “This one goes out to a very special person. This is ‘A letter to Elise’” Chuuya couldn't believe it.

“Chuuya, I think I'm gonna faint”

The event was over and Elise gave her number to the drummer who was even redder in his face than Elise’s dress if that was even possible. Chuuya leaned against his motorbike and texted Dazai about the whole day, along with some pictures.

“He thought you were my boyfriend” Elise leaned her head on his shoulder and she chuckled. Chuuya’s phone almost fell out of his hands.

“He is not an asshole but kind of stupid” Chuuya laughed and flung his arm around her shoulders and hugged her from the side. She radiated pure happiness and it radiated onto him as well.

“He is kind of stupid, but cute” She giggled and told him about the date they had planned. “Don't worry your boyfriend will be back tomorrow” She patted his shoulder and he almost jumped

“Tomorrow? Are you sure?” His heart bloomed as if it was filled with pure sunlight.
She nodded and he smiled so brightly his cheeks hurt. Dazai was going to be with him tomorrow.

–

He woke up the next day to someone ringing the bell, probably a deliveryman who was too impatient to wait.

“Heck! I am coming, stop the-” The door almost crashed into the wall behind it. No one was on the threshold and the curse words had died on his tongue the second his eyes caught sight of a mug sitting sweetly on the ground in front of him. “Ringing”

Kneeling down he picked the mug up and inspected the design on it. It was a dark soft blue and an orange cat with gray eyes and a black hat was on it. What almost stole his breath was Dazai’s signature at the bottom. As if he wasn't already on the edge of a heart attack the idiot stepped from god knows where right in front of him and Chuuya almost lost touch with reality and let the mug fall.

“Good morning sunshine, slept well?” There he was, with tousled hair and glasses a beige trench coat that made him look godly and that breathtaking smile that Chuuya had prayed to in the past few months. The dimples he had wanted to poke for longer than he can imagine and the lashes he wanted to feel in places where the sun didn't shine.

He was here and Chuuya couldn't keep his love inside him.

A step closer to him still felt like an eternity away.

Chuuya didn't know that he was a greedy man.

Being one foot away from Dazai still felt like an eight hour difference.

He was used to giving, giving his feelings to others.

Not feeling Dazai felt like being ignored for one week.

He had given everything all his life.

Not having his lips on Dazai’s felt like being breathless.
But now he was greedy.

The first sensation he had felt was his fingers in Dazai’s hair, if he wasn’t in such a rush he would have felt how soft it was, then Dazai’s hands on his waist, if he wasn’t in such a rush he would have felt how hot they were against his bare skin as Dazai lifted his shirt off in those places.

“I missed you” Dazai and he were millimeters away from each other, he could feel his hot breath puff against his lips and his eyes were peeled on Dazai’s flush and pink lips, he was mesmerized by the way he wet his lips.

“Shut up and show me” Dazai didn’t wait any longer and neither did Chuuya and both surged forward.

And everything made sense.